Weiss the Hobo
by Cathari Sarad
Summary: Remnant is a world gone mad. After her precious pancakes are stolen by Weiss the Hobo, Nora seeks vengeance. With Ruby's help, Weiss must gather allies to defend against Nora's growing army of villains, who are all bent on making her life miserable. Warning: This fic contains smoking, crack, Kung-Fu, Shrek, mlg, plot, dank memes, pancakes, spaghetti, and lemons!
1. This Chapter is about Pancakes

**A/N: Hai peoples! This fic has crack, ooc, and minor crossover elements, so be aware of that. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own anything, especially not RWBY! If I had to list everything that this story is referencing, we'd be here all day.**

* * *

Vale. The city of golden opportunity.

When my family came here from Vacuo's desolate lands, I had gazed upon this city's vast harbors like it was something out of a dream. Fish was the first thing I smelled, enough to feed a thousand families.

A city on a hill. That's how most people would describe the city of Vale. Here is our sanctuary, our guiding light against the hostile wilderness beyond. One need only look at Beacon to understand what I'm getting at.

When my family moved here, I thought all of our problems would melt away.

What, I was like nine, maybe ten back then?

But as you all know, this doesn't end like your ordinary fairy tale.

This cruel, forsaken world is too much of a scum-filled hellhole to make room for any of that "Happily Ever After" bullshit. There is no god in this world. Only a big man with a big ego going by the name of Sir Topham Hatt.

Something had happened. I can't remember what that was, but one day the skies over Vale became covered in a thick smog-like cloud, going on for what seemed to be no end. Crime shot through the roof that day, and soon the city was filled with more over-equipped, chain-smoking anti-heroes wearing pink ballerina dresses than anyone knew what to do with. My family was killed when a gunfight broke out between a team of fresh hunters and a gang of costumed vigilantes trying to smuggle in an illegal Blu-ray copy of Fate/stay night. It was that grim, dark, dismal day that I learned the basic laws of cause and effect no longer had any meaning in this world. Never again would the sun shine in this golden city.

Now, where does that bring us? How do you get from point A to point B when nothing in this world makes any fucking sense anymore? Everywhere I look, I see nothing but gang-banging scum, crack dealers, hookers, maggoty corpses, hipsters, prostitutes, homeless men, armed thugs, blackjack, and Charles Darwin. This city is filled to the brim with trash piled on trash piled on cigarette ash piled on dog shit piled on my mother's sweet baked apple pie. Oh, how I miss those days when we still had our innocence. And our dignity.

Who am I you ask? I'm nothing more than your average, run-of-the-mill private detective. I had a fedora once, but I lost it while out on a job. I don't even want to know what filthy hands has violated its once majestic sheen. You see this trench coat? It goes all the way low to the ground. Only cool people like myself get to wear this kind of finery, otherwise you're just a wannabe poser. You see this? This is a lollipop, not a cigarette. We gotta keep this shit safe for 4Kids. I don't smoke, because smoking is bad for your health. My old man died of lung cancer when I was fifteen. It's a sad story, but in this mad world there is no such thing as a long-lived, happy life.

My partner and I share the same office, but most of the time we take on separate cases. We don't get a lot of business these days. Not many people have the money for this kind of shit, and if they did, they'd be spending it on crack or hookers.

People say that a picture says a thousand words. Well if that's so, then I've seen a million fucking stories in this wretched hive of a city. In all my time here, I have seen every variety of scum and villainy there is to see: from petty thieves to serial killers, child photographers, loiterers, crime bosses, and sixteen-year-old intellectual rapists. Vale isn't exactly your happy-happy-sunshine-fun-land.

I have seen everything this city has to offer, and that's why I'm more than qualified to share this one story in particular. When you've seen what I've seen, you can no longer stand to give a shit about anything anymore.

Our story begins with a certain Schnee heiress. She used to be a girl who had it all, but one day, her parents found out she had an addiction to a certain substance that's all the rave these days.

Pure, undiluted, crack cocaine.

When her parents found out, they completely disowned her of all her inheritance. Soon after, Beacon revoked her hunting license, and she was forced to live out on the streets ever since.

It must be a tough life for her, to fall from what was once so high and mighty a position to being forced to eat leftover shrimp and stealing grease-laden quesadillas from sleazy Mexican burrito stands. They don't even serve real authentic Mexican food at those kinds of joints, only the kind of shit you can easily find at your local grocery store. A big shame, really.

I saw Weiss down on the streets, riding on her shiny gray moped. I heard she stole it from some kid in middle school who had just learned about the greatness that was Shrek while attending church service. I'd feel sorry for the poor kid, if I didn't find the whole thing absolutely fucking hilarious. A man's gotta find some humor in his miserable existence, otherwise insanity would get the best of him. This city does that to you.

How did I know this girl was going to be riding down the streets on that fine summer morning? A private detective's gotta know these kinds of things. It comes with the job description. You don't even want to know what I had to do to get that kind of information.

So there I was, watching the former heiress riding through town with an overfilled garbage bag on her back and her ancestral family sword strapped to her side. It was raining that day. It's always fucking raining in this fucking city. That's why I bought this umbrella five years ago. It's black, just like the rest of this shit-hole of a city.

I saw her get off at the local Bucktooth Cafe, stepping over a few dead bodies rotting on the street. Some of their ears looked like they had been shorn off by the blunted end of a razor. Now, the rats were having leftovers for dinner.

Our young heiress stepped on in. She took the cigarette out of her mouth and threw it on the welcome mat before crushing it with her foot. Who knew whether that thing would catch on fire at some later point in the future present. I didn't, and to this day I still don't know whether that poor mat, much like the one my grandma used to have, has become entranced in the everlasting dance of life's eternal flame. It is one of life's greater mysteries.

Weiss had a hard, hard look at the menu hanging over Jerry, the owner of the joint. Jerry was a good friend of mine. He had a wife and two kids. He would pick up his kids every Saturday morning and drive them off to school. Jerry was a good man.

The entire room was filled with a deathly silence so thick it could make a fully grown Goliath come running home back to its mommy. Six customers had fallen comatose from overdosing on cough syrup, with reddish drool dripping onto the clean tile. Maybe they were dead too. Who knows?

That left only two people, Nora Valkyrie and her favorite boy-toy. They were facing out to the empty city streets, munching on a stack of some delicious chocolate-chip pancakes with whipped cream and strawberries on top. I could smell those goddamn pancakes even standing outside in the cold icy rain through the rotting corpses and the pot-smoked air and the outdated sausages that plagued this street in particular. They brought tears to my eyes, tears like no man has ever shed before. It brought a smile to my face to remember just what it was like to smell some fresh fucking pancakes straight out of the microwave back from when I was still a child. Oh, those were the days.

Weiss had been looking at the menu board for five solid minutes. Most people would think that the heiress was nothing but an idiot stoned off her mind, but the sad truth was that withdrawal from her favorite white snow had started to eat away at her reaction time. That's what drugs do to you, kids, so stay away from them unless you like watching ninja turtles molest your furniture every Sunday afternoon.

Even though the heiress had desperately wanted some hard cooked meal, she couldn't order anything, because that would mean she would have to spend some hard-earned cash, which she didn't have. She spent it all on crack the night before. So instead, she followed the sweet scent hanging over the air, and came face-to-face with a certain Nora Valkyrie and her personal sex slave.

Their eyes watched each other for what seemed like an eternity, until Nora broke the silence. "Don't ya know smoking is bad for your health? I mean, I know smoking is not bad like crack is bad, but it's still bad bad because you can get lung cancer and it's a gateway to other drugs and not to mention when you…"

It only took one word too many until the heiress had had enough of Nora's fucking bullshit. "SHUT UP!"

Right at that moment, Jerry's head exploded like a water balloon had just reached its bursting point. Soon the entire cafe was filled with the splattered mess of his blood and guts and gray matter, with his fractured skull landing squarely on one of the tables in the center. Luckily, Jerry had remembered to wear his red shirt today, otherwise the blood would have stained his clothes. Rest in peace, old friend.

Once the heiress's mind had finished trying to understand the events that had unfolded before her, she returned to her conversation with the Valkyrie girl. "You dolt."

Nora gave Weiss one hard look, and clutched on tight to her glass of orange juice. "So, Weiss, watcha doing here?"

The heiress stood up straight, slowly drawing out her signature blade. "Say Nora, could I have a some of your pancakes, please?"

Nora turned her back to the starving heiress. She knew she could do some good in this bad, bad world if she simply handed her pancakes to her vagabond friend. But, sadly, the world doesn't quite work like that. To her, pancakes were a goddamn, motherfucking godsend; there was no way she was going be sharing any of her goddamn pancakes that she paid for herself with a hobo from the streets. I wouldn't either if I had the money to pay for those delicious pancakes. So she called the heiress on her motherfucking bullshit, "No way! These are _my_ pancakes!"

The heiress twitched at the Nora's rejection. "Are you sure? Those pancakes look really, really good and I'm really, really hungry."

"Sorry, Weiss, but pancakes are pancakes!"

Right then, Weiss snapped. She took one of the plates off the nearby tables and threw it at Nora, who simply dodged a direct hit. "GODDAMMIT YOU DOLT! I WANT THOSE FUCKING PANCAKES RIGHT NOW!" Her desperate cry could be heard all over Remnant.

Weiss rushed forward. She thrust Myrtenaster at Nora, hoping to strike at her vital regions, but all she hit was her now vacant chair.

Nora flicked the heiress's forehead and went "Boop!" before dancing a few feet away with her boyfriend. "You really shouldn't be so pushy, Weiss. But… if you really want my pancakes that badly, then you're going to have to go through my Secret Asian Bodyguard first!"

It was at that very moment that I could see that boy clearly for the first time. Nora couldn't have chosen a better bodyguard if she had all the money in the world. Lie Ren was his name. As the son of Yoda and Han Solo, he had known over a hundred different Kung-Fu moves, and he had also mastered the ancient art of Chai Tea.

Weiss couldn't have asked for a more formidable opponent. It was like a match between David and Goliath all over again, except in this case Goliath refers to one of those big-ass fucking elephant things instead of the hero of Biblical legend.

"You'll never stand a chance!" said Nora as she swung her arm at our beloved vagabond. "I am the queen of this castle!" She let out a laugh so filled with calamitous intent that it would make most super-villains cream their pants. I creamed my pants as well, even though I am nothing more than your average private-eye detective. There's not a single murderous bone in my body.

Ren stepped two steps forward and drew out his twin StormFlower machine guns. They were green, but they were also black. Everything in this world is black or gray or a darker shade of gray.

The heiress did a couple of cartwheels and barrel rolls to keep herself away from the oncoming machine gun fire, completely forgetting about her semblance. Whenever Ren had to reload, she would dash and turn over one of the tables to use as cover. It wasn't much, but you've gotta make do with what you can get.

Weiss got in close, and then lunged her blade at Nora's bodyguard, screaming "PANCAKES!" over and over again like there was no tomorrow. With each word, Weiss made another thrust at Ren, but his Bruce Lee moves were too much for her to handle. Soon, after minutes of panting, sweating and moaning, she was out of breath, too exhausted to thrust her blade into Ren's firm, sweaty ass.

It was at this moment that Nora stepped back into the fight, planting her arm on her sex puppet's shoulder. "Is that all you've got, Weiss? Surely you can do better than that, I mean, these are my pancakes we are talking about here, so surely you would be willing to try harder than that because my pancakes are the best pancakes. But wouldn't that mean that once you win my pancakes they will no longer be the best? Oh well! Ren, FINISH HER!" Once Nora was finished with her monologue, Ren put his guns to the side and took off his top hat. Weiss didn't do anything during this because, for all her self-acclaimed intelligence, she's kind of a fucking idiot. That, and she was still suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

Ren held his top hat to the side, and then flung it like a professional Frisbee player. The hat arced toward Weiss while sprouting out a dozen razor blades mid-air. Weiss tumbled away, but after Ren's hat had passed by, it spun back around like a homing boomerang. Every second was spent trying to dodge the incoming projectile, even after Ren continued laying down some heavy machine gun fire. It's a shame Weiss doesn't have my insane ninja-like reflexes, otherwise this fight would've been over in a pinch.

Like all stories go, Nora believed that she had this fight in the bag. "You have no chance of beating my boyfriend's elite-pro-Starcraft 2 skills!"

Weiss grunted under her breath, reaching for one of her Cuban cigars while trying to dodge the oncoming bullets. "You think you're better than me, dolt?"

"Yeah! Well watcha gonna do about it, Weiss?"

I could see the glint of inspiration in the heiress's eyes even while standing outside in the rain. "It's quite simple actually. It's about time you got served your… just desserts!"

At that very moment, Weiss reached up in the air, and then pulled out a Calico M950 sub-machine gun out of fucking nowhere.

For the very first time in my life, I had borne witness to a fucking miracle.

"DEUS EX MACHINA, BITCH!"

Soon, Ren's whole body was riddled with bullets. Not even his pro skills with Master Yi or the ancient martial arts he had learned from watching _Kung-Fu Jesus: Return of the Shrek_ could save him from the millions upon millions of bullets that now penetrated his soft body.

While the boy was out for the count, Weiss dashed in and shred his body to a million pieces with her sacred ancestral sword. The sword had been passed through the Schnee family line for generations, and now its fine edge had claimed its millionth victim.

 _How could this be possible?_ Those were likely the words that passed through Nora's mind at that very instant in time. But before she could utter her thoughts, Weiss had dashed in and struck Myrtenaster through her neck, before ripping it open to the side.

Once Nora's dead body had fallen to the floor, Weiss backed up, and took the scene in all its bloody glory. She was the only survivor in this ghost town of a restaurant, and she would take this opportunity to relish what seemed to be the first victory in her miserable existence. She had taken Nora's seat, and began eating away at Nora's still-fresh marshmallow pancakes. Even though she was now nothing more than a roving vagabond, Weiss still cut through those pancakes like a proper lady, much like how she had been trained when she was still a child.

"Hmm… These are... surprisingly good." They were the most delicious fucking pancakes she had every fucking tasted. Even I would cut her up just to get a nibble at their delicious doughy goodness. Of course, I wouldn't do that to a potential customer, that's just bad business.

Once finished, Weiss stepped out of the dank halls of the Bucktooth Cafe, and mounted her moped once more, now satisfied. It seemed that now that she had a full stomach, all her problems would go away on their own.

But like I said before, this story doesn't have a happy ending. Things are never that simple.

Shortly after the heiress had left the cafe, the wounds on Nora's body had begun to close back up, and any broken limbs she once had were now repaired in their entirety.

Only minutes later, the girl regained consciousness. "I shall have my revenge..."

How is this possible you ask? Well, the thing is, even though she had been thorough in making sure that the young Valkyrie was dead, Weiss had neglected one thing.

Nora was a vampire.


	2. Weiss Goes to Junior's Club

**A/N: Hello everyone! I thank everyone who followed this fic, and those who enjoyed it as well!** **Cheers!**

* * *

I returned to the office later that night, only to find my partner doing the thing with Shrek's wife. Blake Belladonna was her name. A true do-no-gooder trying to take away my fellow man. The whole room smelled like a dusty old ash can, mixed with sweat, tears and regret.

My partner didn't notice when I had stepped in, and it wasn't until I told him to get rid of that fat kitty-cat that he turned to face me. It only took her a minute to get all her stuff and get the hell out of dodge, but it was one minute too many.

As he was struggling to find his own underwear, my partner looked me straight in the eye and said, "Well, you seem to be back early. As you can see, you… kinda interrupted at a bad time."

I tackled him straight on and slammed his back right up against the wall.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Lets take it easy here! There's no need to get rough! Besides, I break easily, and neither of us would want that, now would we?" I could hear him pleading, but I wouldn't have any of it, especially not after seeing him play patty-cake-patty-cake with the local alley cat.

As I pressed my hand into his warm, silken chest, I asked him just what in the name of grandma Shrek he was doing with that god-forsaken cat.

"What? I was just having a little fun. It wasn't personal or anything like that. A man has his needs you know."

I bitch-slapped that motherfucking fool so hard that he'd be redder than sunshine in the morning. If he was going to take his job as a private-eye detective seriously, then he shouldn't be hammering the nail into every goddamn coffin he sees. He's not supposed to be Batman; I'm Batman!

"Ow! JESUS! What the fuck was that for? I'm going to be sore for fucking weeks!" More pleading, more begging, more screaming. All music to my ears. I just love it when he squeals like a poor little piggy crying all the way home. Is that blood on his cheek? Oh how I would love to lick it all up and sink my pearly white teeth into his veins underneath. Now that I think about it, I'd make a great vampire. It's too bad one hasn't stopped by to chat, cause I'd be all up for being Count Chocolate Dracula to his white-ass Vladimir.

Disregarding that thought, I told my man that I thought we had something special between us. Apparently our bonds as private detectives isn't enough for him, seeing how he has to go out of his way to satisfy his own carnal desires by doing the didly-doo with Shrek's wife.

"What? No, it was nothing like that! It was only a one time fling. Look, I'm sorry. Now, could you please tell me how I can make this up to you so you can get me down from here? Eh?" I had to think it over for a minute or two, but from the very start I knew just how to get my fellow private-eye to pay for his felony misdemeanor. I couldn't help but lick my lips in anticipation.

So I leaned in real close, so close that I could feel his damp breath brush against my neck. I know there's a certain wrongness inherent in all of this, but I felt myself harden up down below.

So I whispered into his ears. I wanted him to smell my greasy, hairy, shit-laden butt-cheeks.

I could see his eyes widen in shock. "Oh god no! That's… You're fucking insane!"

Of course, I knew he wouldn't necessarily listen, but as a private-eye detective I can be quite the charismatic negotiator...

"No! I don't want your smelly ass-cheeks in my face! Oh god! Somebody help me!"

* * *

After a long hard night, I was back out in the streets. I had left my eyes off that heiress for too long, and I knew trouble would find her sooner or later. Call it a detective's intuition.

I found her standing in line to the local strip club right next to the Johnny Rocket's on Chester Avenue. The Salty Spittoon it was called, owned by a rusty old crook named Hei Xiong. It was the biggest, meanest, baddest joint in town, filled with so many so-called "tough guys" with too much time on their hands. Most people on the streets think that they gather there to beat each other to a bloody pulp or watch fresh, nubile strippers do their mighty hand jive, but those were just lies. All they ever did in there was play _Winnie the Pooh_ _'s Home Run Derby_ from dusk till dawn until one of them could bring down Christopher Robin, that damn sonofabitch. But they were all fools.

No man could ever hope to bring down a god.

I stepped into the line about twenty people behind Weiss, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. Soon enough, it was her turn to pass the bouncer's test.

"This is the Salty Spittoon. How tough…"

"Get out of my fucking way, you dolt!" Her fist slammed right into that poor motherfucker's chin before he knew what hit him, sending hims spiraling a hundred feet away.

Well, it looks like we've got a badass on our hands.

Right after the heiress stormed in, everyone took this chance to follow after her before the bouncer could round them back up. I had managed to sneak in as well, but not before seeing Weiss head straight for the bar where Junior was sitting with his two favorite hookers, Melanie and Miltiades. In most other countries, they would be considered over the drinking limit because they were alligators, but that was before Ironwood took over and instituted martial law. General James Ironwood was the biggest pimp-daddy of them all, and when he took over he made sure that every street in Vale was filled to the brim with blackjack and hookers, and he made the tenets of BDSM the official state religion. He also legalized slavery, instituted a ban on gay marriage, and shot Abraham Lincoln in the face when he was twelve.

"Fucking shit!" Through the high pitched jing-a-ling ringing throughout the dance floor I could hear someone throw his laptop onto the hard metal floor after coming one ball short against Tigger and his bag of magical tricks.

"I can't even get past fucking Eeyore!" Poor soul. I almost feel bad for him, but I've seen too much of this world and what it can do to you.

I sat down four seats away from our titular hobo, watching as she began conversing with Junior and his pair of hoes. The bartender stopped by to ask if I wanted a drink. I told him I wanted a glass of lemonade. Apparently, he didn't hear me, because he just walked away like a fucking jackass. I learned that the police later found his dead body on the back of a dumpster, with all his fingernails ripped out, his body covered in bruises, and his good old pork sausage chopped right at the base. Serves him right.

Where was I? Oh, right, it was at this moment Weiss started up her conversation with Junior, her legs spread out like those of a professional gymnast. "Junior, this might be a strange thing to ask, but can I be one of your sexy ladies?"

At that moment, Junior took his lips off his precious hookah pipe and let out a breath of fresh air. "Now why would a girl like you want to be one of my sweet baby-dolls? Huh?"

"Because I really need the muniez really bad so I can buy some crack and food for myself." The heiress stood up, leaned in close, and gave him her puppy-dog eyes. "Pretty please?"

"Look, I don't really see you as the type." I then saw the big head master chief get up from his seat and walk away.

"Yeah, buzz off!" said one of the twins. I couldn't tell which one because they were wearing the same goddamn outfit. When people only recognize you for the type of clothes you wear, the least you could do is have some semblance of consistency. It makes my job all the more difficult.

Of course, that wouldn't stop our heiress. She circled around Hei Xiong and went down on her knees. "Wait, I'm an expert at the jazz hands!"

"Don't even bother." Junior continued in his pimp-like stride. Even with his slick Kamina shades, he wasn't a real pimp-daddy, cause he wasn't anywhere near cool enough.

"Is it because of my flat chest?"

"Don't get me wrong. I do like me some flat-chested women, but your case is a bit different."

"Come on Junior!" She leapt right in front of him, and began rubbing her filthy hands on Junior's firm, sweaty, nut sack. "You know you…"

"No!" Junior slapped Weiss's hands out of the way. It didn't leave any marks though, because the man was weak as hell. He couldn't even make a goddamn Triforce of Wisdom. Pathetic. "Bad Weiss! Bad!"

Things were starting to heat up. I could hear the heiress's voice begin to tense up, a sign that the crack would kick in and send her into an unstoppable rage. "Ugh, seriously, why won't you just let me be one of your hookers?"

Junior stepped into a smooth, smooth pose, and then slipped off his Kamina shades. "It's because you're a hobo."

Oh, was he in for something.

"THAT'S FUCKING RACIST!" Weiss ripped out her sword and lunged toward the owner of the Salty Spittoon. When the heiress had swept Myrtenaster to the side, the tip of the blade had ripped open Junior's bag of nuts resting on the counter, causing them to spill all over the floor. What a waste of precious peanuts.

Her ancestral sword then swept right into Junior's side, knocking him onto the ground. "Please, stop! I beg of you!" While resting my back against the bar counter, I could see a trickle of blood creep down through his nostrils, like what happens in those shitty Japanese cartoons whenever someone gets a metaphorical erection. He had a boner too, just barely poking out through his shining, sparkling, silver pants.

Weiss planted her leg onto Junior's hairy chest. "Then teach me how to be one of your sexy ladies so I can get my crack, dumbass!"

"I-I can't." Junior could only plead at this point.

"Why not?"

"I-I…" At that very moment, Junior's Charlie-Chaplin-induced boner had become so intense that his head exploded, just like my poor friend Jerry.

It wasn't until now that Melanie and Miltiades realized what had happened to their dear beloved master. Back on the dance floor, someone had come face-to-face with the grandmaster of pitching himself, Christopher Robin. Nearly everyone on the playing field had gathered around to watch this man try and take on the champ. He had pumped a few healthy doses of raw testosterone into his arteries with an infected needle, but even so, it was all for naught.

One of them, Miltiades, stepped forward and said, "Hey, you killed our employer!"

"Who the fuck is supposed to pay us now?" said the other twin.

"First of all, it wasn't me!"

"Lies!" From the looks of things, it wasn't too difficult for our heiress to figure out that these two weren't the types that listened to rhyme and reason.

"Well, you know what they say, EN GARDE, BITCH!"

Using my superior ninja-like reflexes, I stepped over to the side, waiting for the turmoil to quiet down. Junior's two prize hookers rushed towards our crack-addicted hobo. Even though they didn't have weapons to their name, they had still managed to keep the pressure on their white-haired opponent, who had forgotten to bring her underwear to work today. I don't blame Junior for trying to get away from Weiss's aggressive advances, just trying to imagine what sorts of foul diseases lurked down in those dark depths.

Soon enough, Weiss was backed into a corner. That wasn't to say she didn't put up a fight; she peppered them with sub-machine gun fire, used her glyphs to mover herself around and froze the twins in place whenever she could. But it still wasn't enough. Despite all her strength and combat experience, Weiss the Hobo couldn't take on two or more opponents at once. She may be one cool, cool cat, but cats don't dance. Neither do I, but I don't need to dance. I'm fucking Batman.

It was right at that very moment in time that a certain little red riding hood came crashing through the windows with a heavy boom-box trailing close behind.

Weiss looked up at her former partner in crime. "Ruby?"

Sometime during mid-flight, Ruby Rose had swapped positions with her speaker set and landed on the dance floor like a goddamn puma-warthog hybrid mutant, ignoring the hundreds of keyboards and laptops flying overhead.

Ruby shook off her headphones and turned to face her former comrade. "Weiss! I've come to rescue you!"

"Well, it's a good time for anything," Weiss remarked, taking a break to smoke on one of her cigars.

"Yeah! Crescent Rose powers activate!"

It was at that moment that Ruby pulled out her six-foot-long, two-ton war scythe of doom, Big Dick. It was said that Big Dick and Qrow's scythe, Sex Butt, had both been forged from the same fiery hate of the ancient Indian war chief, Montezuma.

Right at the beat, Ruby swung her Big Dick back and used its testosterone packed recoil to launch herself right at Miltiades, before swinging it right into that hooker's backside, sending her crashing straight into the wall.

"Miltia!" Melanie rushed over to stand by her twin's side, but our heiress took this moment to pull out her Calico while Melanie wasn't looking and shot her in the hip. "Shit!"

"Weiss, don't kill her!" Ruby pleaded to her partner as she gave Melanie a roundhouse kick to the face, knocking her to the ground.

"Why the fuck not? She's after my crack money!"

"Hookers are people too, you know."

"So?"

"Don't you know that people die when they are killed? And besides, they're our clones! We might need their help later!"

"Ugh. Fine, whatever." When Weiss struck Myrtenaster into the wall behind her, an icy crystal lattice formed and enveloped one of the twins in its icy embrace.

It was that moment when the whole bar had been filled with the sounds of one of Smash Mouth's greatest hits. Everyone seemed to stop what they were doing, turning to face the now vacant DJ stand. There, a young boy by the name of Russel Thrush stepped onto the stand, singing along. Some guy in a bear costume had been lying on the ground right next to him, unconscious.

When I heard that green-mohawk punk talk, I knew things were going to go to hell. Never before had I heard such a whiny-ass voice in my entire life. "Heya all! I would like to dedicate this next song to Shrek!"

"This music sucks!"  
"Way to go asshole! I just had Rabbit in the bag!"

"Shut up! You have no taste in music!"

"Get this guy off the stage!"

"What is wrong with you people, you sinners and unbelievers! Shrek is the greatest!"

"Shrek sucks!"  
"Wreck-It Ralph is better!"

"No! No! No! You are all fools, all of you! Shrek does not suck! I have dedicated my whole life to worshiping the greatness of our great and mighty savior, Shrek!"

"Get a life!"  
"I wanna watch Spongebob!"  
"Shrek is dreck!"

"Sh-ShutUp!ShutUp!ShutUp!ShutUp! You… You know nothing! You're all a bunch of fucking losers! Shrek is real! He is the love and life that fills our hearts with warmth! You think that now, but one day you'll see! You all will see what a great man Shrek is! Some day, you will all bask in his onion-flavored goodness! I'll show you! I'll show you all!"

And with that, the boy dropped the mike and started laughing like one batshit insane motherfucker straight out of the fiery depths of Hinamizawa. Russel left the scene as a sea of broken computers and homo-erotic slurs washed over him like a tidal wave straight out of the Caspian Sea.

But, anyway, back to our heiress. Weiss had been looking on the seen with awe, dumbstruck by what had just happened. "What in the name of Dust just happened?"

"Beats me," said little Red.

"Anyway, I've got a few questions to ask these henchmen. Make sure that one doesn't get back up, okay?"

"Sure thing, Weiss," said Ruby as she planted her foot on Melanie's firm chest.

I started making my way over to the other end of the club to get a better look of what those two were doing. I was starting to get sick of the high-pitched jingle coming from the dance floor after hearing it a million times already. Hell, I was starting to think Russel putting on Smash Mouth was a bit of a relief.

Right when I got to the scene, Weiss was clutching Miltia's chin with her dirty, filthy, dried-up hands. "Alright, spill the scoop! Why was Junior trying to stop me from becoming a prostitute?"

Still stuck in the thick ice, Ruby's clone shook her head to the side and said, "Maybe it was because you were harassing him so much?"

"Shut up! I know I've got the looks! What kind of man would think I'm unattractive?"

"Well, you are a hobo…"

Weiss slapped the poor girl in the face so much it bruised her side burns. "Shut up you dunce! I need my crack money and I need it right now! Now, what was the real reason that idiot wouldn't give my my proper education? Tell me!"

"Wait!" the other twin shouted while struggling under Ruby's spiked heel. "Just listen to what I have to say."

"Oh? And what would a peasant like you know?" Weiss was sure one to talk, considering she was the one who had to scavenge for food and steal other people's pancakes for breakfast.

"Well, earlier today I saw this other girl around your age, carrying this big hammer and going on non-stop about sloths or something. She went up to our master and shoved this big ugly worm-like thing up his ear."

"A flesh bud," remarked Ruby.

"Anyway, she told him to keep you from becoming a prostitute or else bad things would happen."

"Who was this girl?" Weiss asked. Her withdrawal seemed to be preventing her from making any mental connections.

"It's Nora!" said Red.

"Nora? But how could she still be alive?"

"It's because she's a vampire, Weiss. I was going to tell this to you before, but I got really distracted. The point is she's building up this really big and evil army of super-villains to make everyone's life hell and we need to join up stop her!"

"Wait, slow down Ruby! Why is Nora doing this?"

"It's because she's an evil, sexy vampire!" The little girl was waving her hands in the air like she was having a seizure.

"I dunno, it might have something to do with the fact you ate her pancakes," said Miltia. For a pair of hookers, these two seemed to be the only ones in the whole Salty Spittoon who had an inkling of common sense.

"That's utter bullcrap!" shouted the heiress. "You there, on floor!"

"It's Melanie."

"Right, did you see anyone else with her?"

"Yeah, there were three others. Some blond guy, some other blonde bimbo in one of those big-ass black ball-gowns, and one of those costumed weirdos in a butterfly suit. He was going on about being a professional super-villain or something like that. Wouldn't shut up about it."

"Good." Weiss bowed. "Thank you for your cooperation."

"You know, maybe if you just went up to this 'Nora' person and apologized for stealing her pancakes, you'd save yourself a lot of trouble."

"Shut up! Those pancakes were fucking delicious! There's no way in hell I'm apologizing to that crackhead dunce-head!" She turned to face her former teammate. "So, what should we do about this?"

"Well, first we need find Blake and Yang and get the old team back together. If we're going to fight Nora and her army of super-villains, we're going to need their help. Also, I need to teach you the art of the Crescent Rose!"

"Isn't that the name of your scythe?"

"Nope! You see, the Crescent Rose is an ancient martial art developed by the great pimp-daddy Genghis Khan to fight off the evil vampires. It was developed as an offshoot of belly dancing, but it instead uses the power of the sun, progressive rock, and hippies to give it that extra punch against the forces of evil."

"Well, it looks like I've got no choice. It's good to see you again, Ruby." The heiress stepped up and hugged little Red. The sight of it made me want to gag.

The girl stuck in the cocoon of ice had finally regained consciousness. "Say, who's that person in the trench coat?"

Oh shit, my cover is blown! Gotta scram! Nobody look at me! I'm just your average private-eye detective! There's nothing to see here!

"Hey, you over there!" That little shit in red had the nerve to wave at me. I'm going to slit her fucking throat as soon as I get the chance. Either way, they all started walking toward my general direction. "You want to join us? We can use all the help we can get."

I can't really say, girl. As much as I'd like to go on this little adventure of yours, I'd rather not stand in the way of Nora Valkyrie and her pancake vendetta if I could help it.

"So," began the heiress, "you got any goods?"

You got the wrong trench coat wearing badass, kiddo. I don't sell drugs, because drugs are bad. I only sell licorice flavored lollipops to little children on the street. On the other hand, I might happen to know where you can find Junior's personal stash, if you're willing to do a couple of favors for me.

So I pointed to the door behind the bar counter, labeled "Employees Only."

"I'll take that as a yes. A pleasure doing business with you." And with that, the young heiress was off to satisfy her never-ending crack addiction.

"Wait up Weiss!" shouted Ruby as she chased after her partner. "I wanna try some crack too!" But once the door was open, she turned back to me. "So, are you going to help us fight the evil vampires or what?"

Well, how could I resist such a nice and innocent face such as hers? I may be some nobody on the streets, but its about time some of us banded together to get rid of the scum and villainy stinking up this city. Because this…

…was an offer I couldn't refuse.


	3. Weiss and the Magical Genie

**A/N: Hai peoples! I'd like to thank everyone again who liked/enjoyed this fic. I'd like to dedicate this next chapter to Shrek, whose endless inspiration has kept me going through this. This chapter might not be as swagalicious as the other ones, and it might be a bit long, and there might be some peoples who aren't from RWBY, but I hope y'all will like it anyway.**

* * *

The next morning, while Weiss and little Red were out searching for their teammates, I returned to the office to check how my partner was holding up after a good night's worth of rumbling and tumbling. Turns out the kitty-cat was dead. The police found Blake's body floating up in the river. All her skin had been cut clean off with my uncle's rusty shaving knife.

Fat poopy-cat got what she deserved.

When I opened the door, I found that my fellow private detective had gone missing. Normally I'd take this as a sign that he's gone out prowling in the streets looking for some stray pussy-cat to hook up with, but I knew something was up.

There was a note resting on top of the desk, right next to our antique dial phone. A drop of blood had stained the lower left corner. In fact, the whole room smelled like there had been a murder here last night. Aside from the stains left over from a few blood-soaked footprints, I couldn't get a whiff of my partner's scent in the air. The whole place had the pungent stench of Febreze in the air. Maybe I shouldn't have sprayed and cleaned the place when I walked in.

When I picked up the note, I smelled a faint tinge of onions. It was my partner's handwriting alright. It said that my partner was going to be out of town for a few days, and that he needed to take a vacation from this business, but I knew that was far from the truth.

Nora had kidnapped her. Nothing else could explain why my fellow private-eye detective would run from his duty-bound mission to save this city from the endless recesses of scum and villainy that plagued its streets.

I didn't care what that vampire did with her spare time or what lengths she would go to to keep our heiress from enjoying herself. But this?

This was personal.

* * *

"So, Rubes, who's the new person?"

"Beats me."

"You don't even know her name?"

"Yeah… no. She doesn't really talk that much. She seemed to be willing to help us out though."

"Well, I say anyone who's nice enough to give me my well-deserved crack money is good in my books."

While those three hens were going about their gossip, I was busy surveying the surrounding area. Blondie's bike wasn't big enough to hold us all, so we were going to have to travel by foot. That means any one of Nora's goons could be hiding in any of the alleyways ahead, just waiting to pounce us and subject us to watching _SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2_ until we became Krusty Krab pizza delivery men. Improvised explosives, mafia hitmen, whoopie cushions, banana peels, eight-year-old Caucasian street rappers from Timbuktu, they could be coming at us with anything. Better to be safe than having your sorry ass shit liquidated crud all over the pavement once you've got Type-A diabeetus shot up your veins.

"I still can't believe Blake's dead," said little Red.

"Figures. She shouldn't have gone messing with the White Fang's business. I should have warned her earlier, but… Ugh." The heiress made a long hard suck on one of her tiny white cigarettes, before throwing it off to the side. I've never seen the girl care about anyone but herself before, but I suppose that even the worst of times can get the best of us. I would've said something, but what was there to say? It's my job as a private detective to keep an objective perspective on things.

"You know guys, wouldn't it be better to start looking for Blake's killer instead of… whatever it is we're supposed to be doing?" Blondie had a point. Maybe if we all grouped together to solve this mystery of Blake's death, it could bring us closer to finding Nora and getting my partner back.

Of course, that trail would do nothing but lead us into a dead end. Why do I know this, you ask? I can't quite say. I guess you could call this another one of my hunches. You see enough of these things and you start to get a feeling for this sort of nasty business.

"Isn't that what we're dong, Yang?" said little Red.

"But sis, how is this…"

"It's obvious that Nora did it! It's all part of her evil plan to split us apart so we can't stop her while she takes over the world with her army of supervillains!" Ruby looked like she was having a seizure, flailing her arms up and down and up and down like some girl from _Lucky Star_ hopped up on PCP while trying to sing the theme song from _Ghostbusters 3: The Specter of Donkey and Shrek_.

"But why would Nora…"

"It's because she's an evil, sexy vampire! Look, Weiss, Yang, trenchcoat person, I know we should be mourning over Blake's death but this is serious business! Nora is going to fire off her top secret doom laser and we're going to need to go on an epic quest across the untamed wilds to find the ancient Kung Fu masters and the wise, magical Indian chiefs so we can stop her just seconds before it finally goes off!"

Our heiress interrupted Ruby's train of thought. "That sounds utterly ridiculous." She took a huff of the powdered crack that she kept hidden in one of her handkerchiefs.

"Look, we don't have time to go over the details! Okay! First we gotta find the great Jedi Master Obi-Wan-Kenobi so he can teach us all the latest Kung Fu tricks. Then we gotta find Daenerys Targaryen and kidnap her so we can steal her baby dragons and sell them for crack money."

"What…"

"And then we gotta find Master Yi so we can all become pro basketball players and then we gotta find Master Happosai who is an expert at the art of the tap dancing."

"Ruby, you dunce! That's an absolutely terrible idea!" shouted the heiress as she swung her ancestral sword out.

"Come on, Weiss, I'm sure my little sis here knows what she's doing." Blondie ruffled up Red's hair.

"Gee, thanks Yang. I always knew I could count on you."

Great, kid's stuff. I think I'm going to gag.

"Kuhuhuhuhuhuhu… Isn't that just adorable?"

"Who the fuck was that? Show yourself, peasant!" Weiss pulled out her Calico submachine gun and pointed it everywhere without any adherence to basic gun safety laws.

It was at that very moment that I saw Glynda Motherfucking Goodwitch standing in the middle of the street a block away from us. This was not going to end well, especially for a private detective like me who doesn't always play by the rules. Suffice to say, we were pretty much fucked at that point.

It's a good thing I remembered to bring my umbrella that day.

Seeing the presence of her hot teacher, Ruby whipped out her Big Dick and worked her hands up its long, hard shaft. "Glynda Goodwitch? What are you doing here?"

"Why, dear Ruby, I wish for nothing more than to watch the sweet, sweet dance of your sisterly love! Why…"

"Yes!" A white-bearded vizier riding a magic carpet descended from the high-rise rooftops. "Indeed, it is written that only the brotherly love between Sam and Dean Winchester can transcend the limits of time and space!"

"Gwonam! Just what on earth are you doing here? Can't you see I'm busy trying to antagonize these foolish simpletons?"

"Who the hell do you think you are, you dolt? This is our business!" The heiress aimed her machine gun up high and started shooting at the magical genie.

"Goodness gracious! Please, I do not mean any harm! You see, I have come bringing a message from The King. His majesty asks that you come to his castle so that you may aid Link in his quest to defeat Ganon and his minions."

"Wait, hold on…" began Yang.

"Servants! Get these insignificant, worthless pieces out of my sight!" With a swift flick of her wrist, Glynda's riding crop magically transformed into a long, narrow cigarette holder, glowing like a goddamn Oompa Loompa after it had eaten too many candy canes.

A second later, Glynda's clown car came rolling up from down the street after appearing out of fucking nowhere. It was being pulled by a horse with a plasma screen TV tied onto the back of its neck and a pair of heavy bass speakers riding on its rumpus as it strode down the road with its great, majestic swagger.

Once the car came to a complete stop, its doors opened and out came seven prostitutes in red suits, three Playboy bunny girls, and Archer, who was actually Shirou Emiya disguised as a cross-dressing stripper. The seven redcoat prostitutes were all named after the seven deadly sins, and none of them were wearing any pajama pants today. They were also magical cyborgs that could shoot laser beams out of their eyes and could turn their arms into energy swords.

"Hot damn, that is one fine piece of ass right there!" remarked Ruby's older sis. With his fine, sculpted figure, Archer could have easily been one of the greatest pimp-daddies alive, but he was too cool for that kind of shit.

"Yang, now is not the time for your perverted shenanigans!" the heiress shouted.

"Guys, Professor Goodwitch is doing something!" said little Red. "Battle stations, everyone!"

"Fools! Do you think you have what it takes to defeat the magic of an endless witch such as I? My nigh-omnipotent magical powers have no weaknesses! By the powers invested in me, I command you, Seven Stakes of Purgatory, Winchester Sisters, Archer…"

"This is blasphemy!" shouted the magical genie floating above the streets. "By the Ten Commandments of Moses, there can be no other brothers or sisters to Sam and Dean Winchester! To do so violates the will of our lord and savior, Shrek, who has declared that the brotherly bond of love between the Winchesters is sacred and righteous! Seek amends for your ignoble behavior or you…"

"Do not interfere in matters that do not concern you, mortal! Now…"

"Now! Attack while they're still distracted!" shouted Ruby.

"You got it." Right at the beat, Weiss used her semblance to conjure up a haste glyph right in front of Ruby, who then blasted her way forward as soon as her Big Dick spat out its explosive gunk.

Not to be outdone by little Red, I performed a triple back-flip in the air, landed right on the heiress's glyph, and used my momentum to cartwheel towards Glynda Goodwitch's fat face. The three Playboy bunny girls, one of which was Velvet Scarlatina, jumped back from the main battlefield just a few yards behind their substitute teacher, who was secretly a magical dominatrix.

But before Red's attack could connect with Goodwitch, Archer placed himself in front of his master and stopped Ruby's Big Dick with his two legendary blades, which were forged by the legendary blacksmith, William Butler Yeats.

Of course, I had seen this coming, so I stopped in place and somersaulted right into the air, soaring straight over the other two like an Olympic ice skater. Remember, don't try this at home, kids.

"How the fuck did she do that?" shouted one of the cyborg prostitutes as if she had never seen _Shrek 2: The Shrekoning_ before.

"It's like she's fucking Superman and Batman and Spiderman and Dr. Octagonopolous-man and Fluttershy all rolled into one!" whispered Lucifer, who was also a British prostitute.

Yeah, you kids stay out of this if you know what's best for you.

So I spun around as if to land a roundhouse kick on Professor Goodwitch, but as I did so, I began to draw out my secret weapon...

My sacred ancestral sword, which I kept hidden in a secret compartment in my umbrella.

What, you think I'm just your average private detective?

Bitch, I fucking kill people.

So it was right then, without the interference of any of Goodwitch's pesky underlings, that I was about to land my killing blow.

But right when my blade was about to slit her throat, she transformed into a bunch of cheesy-ass glowing magical butterflies that glowed yellow like piss. A few seconds later, all those goddamn butterflies formed back up about three-hundred feet in the air, and she just stood there like one of those filthy, cheating bastards who insta-locks Teemo in pub matches, shoehorns Shrek references at every opportunity, and plays Backstreet Boys music at full volume while driving on the interstate.

"Oh? Was that really all you got? Did you really think that such a stupid little trick would bring about the end of the Endless Witch? Foolish child! You have activated my trap card!"

Right ahead of me, I saw the two unnamed bunny-girls holding bows in their hands, drawn all the way back.

"Fine-tuning targeting parameters!" said the one with pink hair. Honestly, I had no idea what her name was, so I'm just going to call her Numbah 45 or something like that. There's gotta be at least six-hundred-eighty-nine of those wascally wabbits out there in the wild.

"Fire in…"

"Not so fast!" shouted Gwonam from above. "You kiddos think you're all so rough and tough with your fancy computer screens and video games? You do not know what it means to be a true samurai warrior!"

The purple-robed vizier drew out his scimitar from its scabbard and then raised it up high.

"SQUADALAH MOTHERFUCKERS! AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA…!"

As soon as Gwonam came swooping down on his magic carpet with righteous vengeance, the two unnamed rabbit girls prematurely fired their glowing piss-colored homing arrows, which were aimed straight at me.

Not that they had any chance of hitting me. Because of my insane reflexes, I was able to get the hell out of dodge, even though those two girls were using homing-seeker missiles. All it took was one well-timed back-flip. They went straight into Archer's backside, leaving him open for Ruby to shove her Big Dick into his hairy belly button.

"What?" exclaimed Glynda. She looked like Glynda at least, but I don't remember Glynda being able to turn into a bunch of shitty butterflies or summon clown cars out of nowhere. Usually she used telekinesis or did other sorts of magical tricks like making spears from hobo trash. "How on earth did you dodge that?"

"How the hell did that not hit you?" said the blue-haired Playboy rabbit-hedgehog. Behind her, Velvet was trying to make her way away from the battlefield.

"Uh, 410…" said the other rabbit.

"What is it, nee-sama?"

"AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA…!"

"Oh shi…" Before they could escape their sense of shock, Gwonam sliced their heads clean off in one fell swoop.

"Please don't kill me, Mr. Genie!" pleaded Velvet as she did a backwards crab-walk, using the power of her own smelly rabbit farts to propel herself forward. "I was taken here against my own will! All I want to do is take Weiss-sempai as my waifu and pray to Raptor Jesus all night long so I can summon the fairy king to kidnap her and throw her in my sex dungeon so I can tickle her while she sleeps! Please, have mercy!"

"What?" said Weiss, scratching her long, white, hobo beard. Yang was still too busy checking out Archer's fine ass to be useful at this point in time. The same could be said about Professor Goodwitch's train of hookers.

"You, muthafuckah!" Gwonam pointed at Velvet with the point of his fine blade, which had been broiled in Kebab grease for eight-thousand years and had been kissed by the great and legendary Aladdin, who went on an epic quest to Disney World to steal the legendary golden fleece from the evil sorcerer, Winston Churchill. "You must denounce your false religion and accept the great Shrek as your lord and savior! Do you take it upon yourself to accept the eternal binding oath that Shrek is both love and life?"

"Yes! Yes I do, magical genie!" shouted the velveteen rabbit.

"Good! Then may all your sins be forgiven! Amen and Hallelujah, motherfucker!" Gwonam then drew his scimitar back in its scabbard, decorated to the brim with all the stickers from _Star Wars Episode 1: The Farquaad Menace_.

"Ruby," said our heiress, "what in the name of Dust just happened?"

"Beats me," said little Red. "Anyway, our enemies seem to be distracted."

"Grrr… What are you seven idiots doing standing around there? You are a disgrace to your status as furniture! I command you to eliminate these fools!"

"Hot damn, Glynda's getting serious," remarked Blondie. Glynda's seven dwarven prostitutes started floating in the air, and transformed into plastic kitchen knives with _Dora the Explorer_ stickers on them, which meant they could only do 1d4 points of damage. You see, not only were they magical cyborg prostitutes, but they could also transform, which meant they were robots in disguise.

Weiss turned to her comrade in arms. "You're not helping, dolt! You've done nothing this whole fight! Even the new girl's done more than you!"

"But dat ass, yo! Who wouldn't want a piece of that?"

"Mindless, big-chested idiot…"

Right as all this was going on, I tried to make another swipe at Archer before he realized what I was doing, but he teleported away before I could connect with my umbrella's blade. Cheap bastard. Why is it that all the villains get all the super-cool teleportation powers instead of me? I'm fucking Batman! I'm supposed to be the one who gets all the cool tricks!

Where did that midget-fucking asshole go anyway?

Right as the seven transforming steaks started darting through the air like Jay Jay the motherfucking jet plane, little Red swung her Big Dick back and gave the word. "Weiss, Detective-sama, Gwonam, Yang, get ready!"

"Don't worry you stupid dunce, I've got your back!" With a single wave of Myrtenaster, the heiress conjured up a series of white glyphs allowing Ruby to close in on Glynda Goodwitch. I tailed in close behind.

The stakes split into three teams, two zipping toward the genie on his magic carpet, two moving toward the heiress, and three making their way toward Blondie.

"Wha? Oh, shit!"

 _ **-BOOM!-BOOM!-**_

Two of the cyborg prostitutes, Asmodeus and Leviathan, got hit with the full force of Yang's Celica blasts, forcing them back into their stripper clothes. Goldilocks here deflected the other one with one swift motion of her shining bling-bling swag-money gauntlets made of pure fucking G-Money GOLD!

"Eat that, bitches!" shouted Blondie, quickly turning to kick Satan's ass with a roundhouse kick before she ran away and clucked like a chicken.

Two of Glynda's hoes were doing some sort of mighty hand jive around the old man Gwonam, but he deflected each of their attacks with his samurai sword. "You think you're a match for me, motherfuckers? Insignificant curs! You cannot kill me, muthafuckah! Your skills are inferior! I have mastered the ancient arts of the Wuju style from the great Sun Wukong! In the name of the great lord Shrek, I command you to DIE!" Before long, both Belphegor and Beelzebub were out for the count as the old man drove his scimitar through their skulls.

Meanwhile, our titular heiress was having some trouble trying to maintain her own constipation so she could keep her glyphs in the air. But while trying to fend off the remaining Kung Fu hookers, she pooped diarrhea all over the streets, because Weiss was a stinky hobo. "Shit, they're too fucking fast!" She already had a few cuts on her shoulder, and one of the pants-less hookers had cut her beard in half.

But then they stopped and turned back into prostitutes for no goddamn reason. "Luci-nee, look!"

"What is it, Mammon?"

"That crazy old man killed two of our sisters! What do…"

While those two raw, juicy, ribeye steaks were distracted, Weiss took this moment to pull out her trusty machine gun and shot Lucifer in the face. Not even her aura could save her from the bullets from the heiress's prized Calico, because she didn't have an aura.

"Luci-nee-chan!" The brown-haired girl quickly turned back into a shoddy Halloween pumpkin-carving knife and zipped back to the end of the street, but not before taking Velvet with her.

Weiss took the Cuban cigar out of her mouth, and then puffed out a ring of smoke. "Looks like I've… still got a few tricks up my sleeve."

"Hey," shouted Yang. "Making cheesy one-liners is my job! Don't steal it!"

"Hmph, like you'd know anything, dolt."

While everyone down below was busy finishing off the last of Glynda's goons, Ruby and I were still ascending on Weiss's stepladder of glyphs.

The fake professor looked like she was going to have a goddamn seizure. "Grr… How is this possible? No matter, it's time to prepare the next round of sacrifices! Come, my servants, and feast upon the flesh of the living! GYAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Yeah, the real Glynda Goodwitch wasn't really into the whole evil laughter thing. This one's probably a fake.

Before we could do anything about it, Goodwitch floated out of the range of Weiss's glyphs. She then brought out her tablet and opened up her copy of _Goat Simulator_.

Down back on the harsh streets of Vale, dozens of goats wearing tuxedos with glowing purple laser swords began stepping out of fake-Glynda's clown car. Within seconds, they were beginning to wreak havoc on the streets below as their Yoshi tongues grappled onto everything in sight, including each other.

"Oh no!" said Ruby. "We've gotta do something before those derpy goats destroy the city!"

I took one hard look at her. Little Red was doing a fine job leading our squad of private-eye detectives. It reminded me of the days when I was back on the force, serving under General Ironwood before he had sex with a robot and went over to the dark side. Oh, those were the days.

I suggested that we should focus our attention on Glynda while the others mopped up things down below.

"Sure thing, detective! You got that umbrella of yours, right?"

Sure thing, kiddo. Anything to get my partner out of Nora's vampire clutches.

"Good! Let's go!"

Right then, little Red jumped into the air and held firm onto the Big Dick straddling between her legs. The sight of her hot dominatrix of a teacher turned her on so much that her Big Dick exploded with enough force to send her flying through the air at sixty miles per minute.

I then opened my umbrella to ride the updraft generated by Ruby's rose-scented semblance. I wish I had brought guns like our wandering vagabond, cause I could easily shoot Goodwitch from this distance.

When Ruby closed in, she spun her Big Dick round and round, but Glynda used her cheap-ass butterfly trick before she could feel the warm touch of Ruby's moist shaft. She reappeared just a few feet away from Red, just outside the reach of her over-sized scythe.

"Glynda!"

"Oh? What is it, my dear child? Wouldn't you rather be saving your friends down there? There's not much time left…"

"Were you the one who killed Blake?"

Ruby shot herself forward, but Glynda simply floated just an inch out of reach, watching the girl with a fanged smile. Not to mention, she was smoking, which was against the rules.

"Why, of course! It was I, Glynda the Good Witch who killed… err… which of your friends died again?"

"You killed our friend Blake!"

"Yes, you foolish girl! I was the one who killed your precious friend, Blake Belladonna! FUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"You… you big meanie-weenie! Why? Why did you do it Professor Goodwitch?" Suffice to say, Ruby wasn't one of the smartest huntresses on the planet, even after watching all the Jackie Chan movies.

"Don't you see? I wanted to see the look on your stupid little faces as soon as you saw Blake's mutilated corpse! Well, Nora suggested the idea, but it was well worth it!"

"Nora… You… You're all going to pay for all this! Now I know why you're evil!"

"Oh? And how do you ever hope to enlighten me, child?"

"It's because Nora turned you into an evil, sexy vampire!"

During Glynda's brief moment of shock, I began drifting on my umbrella toward the substitute teacher's backside.

"What?"

It's show-time!

Right at that very moment, I brought my umbrella close, pulled out my ancestral sword, and then cut through that false Goodwitch before she realized what had happened.

Goddammit! Those motherfucking, piss-eating butterflies!

"What's this? Did you really think that attack would work? I am the witch of the Endless! Know your superior and bow down before me! GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I swear, when this is all over, I am going to kill every single motherfucking butterfly that gets in my way. Vale's going to experience one hell of a butterfly genocide once I'm through with it.

Maybe I should start drinking and smoking cigarettes.

"What's wrong? Cat got your tongue?"

Bitch, don't tell me when to speak! Can't you see? I'm the quiet and mysterious type, so speaking up now would ruin my street cred. I'm one super-cool, badass motherfucker!

"Rubes, Pinkie, hold up!" Once Blondie was done finishing off her steaks, she planted her fists into the ground, waiting for her hobo friend to get away from the rampaging goats with purple laser swords. After the heiress conjured one of her signature runes, Yang shot herself upward, right towards Glynda's smug mug.

"Oh, what's this?" said Goodwitch. "It seems we have guests. Come Yang, and show us just how you will get out of this situation alive! UAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Bring it!" As she reached the apex of her flight, Yang brought both her gauntlets to bear, adopting Genghis Khan's legendary Sasquatch stance, from when he faced off against the boundless Scandinavian hordes of _Minecraft_ trolls.

 _ **-BOOM!-BOOM!-**_

Right off the bat, Glynda Goodwitch did her same one-pony trick, but this time Ruby was ready for it, "Guys, attack the magical butterflies before she turns back!"

Little Red then whipped her Big Dick to the side and performed another spinning attack into Glynda's piss-colored swarm, but those butterflies just danced out of the way. By this point, I sunk down far too low to do anything.

On the bright side, Weiss and Gwonam seemed to be driving back the damn goats. Many of them were frozen in place, and the genie was making quick work of the leftovers. Soon after, the heiress froze the car door shut.

 _ **-BOOM!-**_

Yang then shot herself right into Glynda's piss-infested swarm. Right on contact, the butterflies began to disappear, only for fake-Goodwitch to appear only a foot in front of Blondie.

"What?" said the substitute teacher. "But how?"

"Time to bring on the pain!"

Glynda's mouth gaped in absolute horror, as if she had just realized that Shrek wasn't real. "I-Is that a-a S-Stand?"

Before Yang Xiao Long could answer her question, Glynda felt the force of a thousand invisible punches pound into her frail form, without Yang laying a finger on her. Like a rag-doll stuck in a Louisiana hurricane, Goodwitch shook so violently and with such force that her wig came falling off, revealing her pish-posh, piss-colored hair.

"W-wait a second, who the fuck is that?" said Weiss as she looked at the ghoulish mayhem above. Gwonam just shrugged.

"It's one of Nora's evil supervillains!" said little Red.

Just when the tremors stopped, Yang gave her last warning. "Now, don't you ever mess with me or my little sis ever again!"

"Don't forget about me, dolt!"

"And our little heiress down there."

"Yang, watch out!" exclaimed Ruby. "Archer's preparing his super-powerful Gay Bulge attack that'll blow up the whole city!"

Oh shit, I almost forgot about him. When I turned in the direction Red was facing, I saw Archer standing behind an open window in the abandoned building at the end of the street. There were a number of other henchmen occupying the other windows, peppering us with machine gun fire and laser blasts. Quite a few of them were wearing butterfly costumes.

As we all zipped out of the way trying to look for some cover, one of Archer's heavy arrows zoomed overhead with greased lightning, leaving a thermonuclear blast when it struck the building at the other end of the street. Yet as I was hiding next to some of the rubble, a shadowy figure shot across the sky and retrieved the woman who was disguised as Glynda. I couldn't get a good glimpse of who it was, but he was moving faster than even Red with her semblance of super-sonic speed.

He must be using steroids.

After about a minute of lying under heavy machine gun fire, we all managed to regroup.

"I must thank you all very much for your help in fighting the accursed infidel."

"You did pretty well too," said Ruby.

"Just who was that?" asked the heiress.

"No clue," said Blondie. "But either way, it looks like she couldn't _stand_ the heat!"

"Ugh…" said Weiss as she placed her palm on her forehead.

"Big sis, even I'm confused," said little Red.

"Aw man, you guys don't know good humor when you see it."

"Excuse me, girls, but would the four of you be willing to attend his majesty's dinner party this evening?" said the magical genie.

"Sure thing, Mr. Genie!" said Ruby. "We're going to need all the help we can get so we can defeat Nora and her army of evil, sexy vampire supervillains!"

"Thank you, my friends! Squadalah!" And with that, our genie friend was off.

"So," said Blondie, "now what?"

"I'll just be smoking weed at my place for the rest of the day," said Weiss.

"Same thing," added Red.

"Well, I guess I'll be joining you two," said Yang.

"Aw… you two are the best friends ever!" Ruby gathered Weiss and Yang in for a hug. Stupid kids these days. "Say, detective, is there somewhere you need to go?"

To answer her question, I stepped out into the streets, straight into the machine gun fire, and waved my new comrades goodbye. As I saw them wave back out of the corner of my eyes, I made my way towards the building up ahead, where those butterfly-costumed goons were hiding their cowardly behinds. I was dodging every single bullet and laser blast like one, smooth, professional criminal. For some reason, Archer seemed to have gone missing, but I didn't need to concern myself with such minor details at the moment.

Let's just say I had some unfinished business I needed to take care of.


	4. Intermission I: At the Villains Club

**A/N: Hai peoples! I hope you all are still reading this! Anyway, this is something that I would like to call an Intermission Chapter. It's a little bit more serious than the standard chapters for this fic, and it's told from a different point of view. The Intermission Chapters show a bit more of what's going on in this story and have plot-ish elements, so even if they don't have the same level of strangeness, you might still want to read them. Be sure to leave a comment or tell me what you think about this chapter/other chapters. Cheers!**

* * *

"Well, this place wasn't too hard to find."

As Roman lowered the brightly colored pamphlet in front of him, he looked up at the corporate tower in front of him. Indeed, finding the place hadn't been too difficult, considering the ominous lightning clouds overhead, giant mechas, and the beehive fortress hovering alongside the main tower.

"This must be my lucky day," Roman said as he tapped the end of his cigarette. Word on the street was that one of Beacon's top students, Nora Valkyrie, was gathering an army of "evil-doers" to get revenge on Weiss Schnee for stealing her pancakes. Roman had no idea how she was going to pay everyone, but he needed a break from all that "private detective" bullcrap Neo made him put up with, especially after what had happened last night. _Ugh, I don_ _'t ever want to have to think about that ever again._ Besides, it would look great on his resume.

After Roman passed through the revolving doors, he came to the main reception area, where he saw what was clearly a man wearing a purple dinosaur costume. There also seemed to be a student from Beacon, resting on one of the benches with his heavy mace between his legs and his backpack to the side. Based on the information he gleaned from the school databases, he knew the boy was Cardin Winchester. While Cardin had accumulated a few minor infractions for harassing other students, he didn't seem like the type who would turn to criminal activity.

"Welcome mister! You look great today! Are you kids ready for a super-dee-duper exciting fun adventure today?" The man sounded one of those people on children's shows who dumbed down their speech to appeal to their younger audience. It was likely that the man was on drugs, though Roman couldn't say which ones.

"Maybe," he said, "I came to see Nora Valkyrie."

"Ohohohoho! Then you have come to the right place! Just take a number, and wait until it's your turn. Super-dee-duper!" _Dear god, his voice is irritating as hell._

Roman sighed, and then walked over to pick up a slip from the red stand. Aside from Cardin, there didn't seem to be any others in the area, so he should have been able to just walk right on through.

Roman sat over next to the boy, noticing a few cuts and scratches on what little skin was exposed. "So, kid, what are you here for?"

"Got nowhere else to go."

"Aren't you one of those kids at Beacon Academy?"

"Had to ditch school for a couple of days." As Roman looked over to his new acquaintance, he noticed one of those plush ponies dangling by on a key-chain on the back of his rucksack. "You know those genies in the stories that ride those magic carpets?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Some crazy old guy dressed up like one of 'em broke into my house, killed my parents. Been on the run ever since. Had to live on the streets for the past couple days."

"Ouch, that sounds rough buddy."

"Meh, you get used to it. You just simply gotta make do with what you've got."

"Calling number six-hundred-eighty-two!"

"Oop, that's me. Say, I didn't get your name, fella."

"It's Torchwick. Take care, buddy."

"You too."

For two whole minutes, Roman simply sat where he was, twiddling his thumbs. A silver-haired girl with a ponytail stepped in during this time, with a blade strapped to her side. The pink in her outfit matched that of Nora's dress, but the way her armor wrapped around her body left a little less room to the imagination. The way her bangs curled over part of her face almost made Roman mistake her for Winter, though this girl's face seemed a bit too rounded. Honestly, she wasn't too shabby looking, though when Torchwick looked into her eyes, he saw nothing but a void. _Man, what_ _'s her deal?_

"Calling number six-hundred-eighty-three!"

 _Well, looks like I_ _'m up. Guess I'll have to catch you later._ As he strode past the receptionist's desk, he turned around, tipped his hat, and winked back. The girl gave no sign of acknowledgment. _So much for that. No big deal, there_ _'s plenty of fish in the sea anyway._

 _Man, all the ladies are looking fine these days._ The only problem was that some of them were just plain crazy, like his so-called "girlfriend," Neo Gasai. Now, he didn't mind girls that were into a bit of role-play, but Neo liked to take things a bit too far. And she had some _really fucking weird_ fetishes.

One day, she literally decided to move into his apartment and transform it into what she liked to call a "private-eye detective's office," and now he couldn't get rid of her. Now that she found out about a few of his personal _hobbies_ , there were going to be a few dead bodies piling up on Vale's streets in the near future.

That Beacon girl, Blake Belladonna? Yeah, she was probably dead already. The first time she killed one of his girlfriends, Roman was a little bit shocked, if not outright horrified, but now he was sort of used to it. _It_ _'s a cruel world out there. Can't afford to care about anyone but yourself._

Maybe now he could finally catch a break.

At the end of the hall was a set of four elevators, one of which was guarded by a pair of Atlasian soldiers. _Looks like Big Man Ironwood is here._ All of the elevators looked like they needed special clearance to use, seeing as each one had one of those scroll-scanning devices.

While one of the guards had his rifle trained on the dashing rogue, the other one took out his scroll. "Your name?"

Roman raised his hands up, seeing as he wouldn't be able to whip out his cane without taking a few dust bullets in the chest. "Look, is that really necessary?"

"Name?"

"Ugh, it's Torchwick."

"Well, you certainly look like you're… quite the character."

"Looks like you've got the makings of a professional pimp-daddy."

"Heh heh heh…" _Jeez, do they really have to go through my criminal record?_

"Well, seeing as you're no small time criminal, looks like we're going to be setting up with the big boys." _And here I thought I was going to get my lucky break._

The guard on the right turned around and held his scroll up to the nearby scanner. Once the elevator door opened, Roman stepped on through, where another guard was waiting inside.

Shortly after the guard had pressed the topmost button, the elevator began its ascent. Roman didn't know exactly how high up this building went, but he could feel a light pop in his ears about halfway through the wait. The car had the faint musky scent of cigarette smoke, and there seemed to be a few mud and blood stains on the peach-marbled floor.

The door opened. _About time._ Right on the white-washed wall in front of him was what appeared to be the company logo, a hammer with a lightning bolt through it. The company name extended to the right of it in bold lettering. "Nora Valkyrie's Evil Enterprise of Doom. Way to be subtle."

Just a couple feet to the right of that was what appeared to be your average office space, though many of the employees were wearing strange costumes and masks instead of normal business attire.

A pair of men wearing fancy suits and bowties approached Torchwick. The cords dangling from the sides of their ears and their sunglasses marked them as one of those secret agent types. "We'd like for you to come with us, Mr. Torchwick."

 _Just how is she paying for all this?_ As Roman looked back through the glass, watching the workers busying themselves with clicker games and excel spreadsheets, he absently followed the two escorts towards what appeared to be the main conference room.

While most conference rooms were usually separated from the rest of the office complex to keep executive decisions relatively private, Nora's conference room took this concept to its logical extreme. Not only did this room have a dozen armed guards surrounding its perimeter, but the entire room was sectioned off with a thick, imposing obsidian wall, complete with blackened gargoyles. _Are those_ _… winged sloths? Jesus, where in the world does she get all this dough?_

When the two men in black opened the dark mahogany doors, a thick layer of smoke started pouring out from within, much like a stage show. At the far end of the room, he could see Winter Schnee and General Ironwood sitting on the opposite side of the black marble table. The two chairs in between them were facing away from the table.

As the dashing criminal stepped into the room, the doors closed behind him. Immediately to his left, he saw a man in a dark robe crested with gold, with a large diamond-shaped chest-plate covering most of his body. A six-eyed crow was resting on his left shoulder, and there seemed to be strange red markings on his left hand, one of which seemed to have faded out. _Are those, command seals? Don_ _'t tell me, we're in the middle of a Holy fucking Grail War, aren't we? This shit just keeps getting weirder and weirder._

Right next to him stood a woman dressed up as Glynda Goodwitch. The woman's hair had a braid wrapped around the back that Torchwick instinctively associated with Saber, but the woman lacked Saber's pronounced sidetails. The girl wasn't too half bad looking, but he didn't like the way she glanced over at him with that sly grin on her face. He had seen Neo give him that look far too many times for his own comfort.

Roman began to look around the room, with all eyes trained on him. Most people would've buckled in this sort of situation, but Roman was no stranger to strangers giving him dirty looks. He knew he could easily weasel himself out of this mess, cause he was one smooth motherfucker.

Suffice to say, there were quite a few strange characters in the crowd. _Is that a goat? With a monacle? And he_ _'s drinking tea?_

"Is this a circus or something?"

"You've got that wrong, buddy." The seat at the far end of the round table turned around, revealing the Queen of the Castle herself. "This is my swamp, so you can take it or boop it!"

Nora looked a bit paler than Roman had last remembered. And she had fangs. Roman originally thought that Nora being a vampire was just another one of Neo's crazy conspiracy theories, but it turned out she was right on this one.

"Shit, you really are a vampire."

"Yup! You thought it was all fake, but it was really me, Nora, the whole time! Ren, show this boopy-head what it's like!"

As Nora stroked her pet sloth, the chair right next to her spun around, revealing Lie Ren's rotting, maggoty corpse.

"Jesus!"

"What's wrong there pretty-boy? Can't take the sight of a little blood?" The man who stood up looked like he had just gotten straight out of prison. Though the spiky hair and business suit didn't suggest a hardened criminal, the man had a look on his face that suggested he liked to fondle little boys at breakfast every morning. _I should probably stay away from him._

"You're in with the big boys now," said a baby with an oddly shaped head. _These people are nuts._

 _I_ _'ve gotta be dreaming this._

"Well, it was nice meeting you all, but I've got some errands to run. Catch you…"

As Roman made for the door, the Saber/Goodwitch lookalike materialized in front of him, planting a crooked finger on his chest. "Oh? And where do you think you're going, eh pretty boy?"

"Out of my way, lady!" As Roman began to swing his cane, two gentlemen behind him grabbed hold of his arms, and then slammed his head right into the marble table. The blonde-haired lady loomed overhead, with that horrible, Neo-like grin on her face. _Goddammit! Why do I have to get a boner here of all places?_

"Nuh-uh-uh!" said Nora as she circled around the table. "You decided to join my company, so now you work for me! So as long as you help me in my evil plans to torture Weiss, we'll be best friends forever! Deal?"

 _Well, it looks like I'm stuck with these crazies._ "Fine. I'm getting paid for this, right?"

Roman then heard Winter Schnee speak up. "If it would be of any consolation to you, Mr. Torchwick. I assure that you will be paid handsomely for your efforts. Not only does the Schnee Dust Corporation control the world's dust supply, but we have complete monopoly over almost every relevant industry in Remnant. In fact, all of Vale's supply of crack cocaine comes directly from us, so even as my poor, flat-chested little sister tries to interfere with our plans, she feeds directly into our wallets. It's like taking candy from a baby!"

"Huh, that plan isn't too half shabby." Roman was impressed to say the least. In fact, he felt like having some hard, rough sex with Winter Schnee right then and there, but then again, he felt the same about nearly every woman he met. It was too bad he couldn't see her face.

"Indeed, I was the one who got her addicted in the first place." Right at that moment, the two men next to Roman freed him from his hold. He then went around the table and took one of the nearest empty seats, right beside a red-suited gentlemen wearing a balaclava and a German doctor.

"Great my fellow sloth brethren! Now we can commence with our session of evil plotting! _MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_ "

Aside from Nora herself, the Saber-lookalike, a guy who was clearly a pedophile, and some big-browed dork wearing a golden crown and a tacky, golden-armored, spandex-laden butterfly costume, everyone made an awkward chuckle.

"What the fuck is wrong with you people?" exclaimed the guy in the butterfly costume. "Come on! Can't you see that we are a nefariously evil organization joined together against the common cause of good? Show some spirit for crying out loud!"

General Ironwood stood up from his seat. "Look, Mr. Monarch, not all of us are here for the whole 'evil organization' aspect of this. Some of us simply want a community with common interests, and if those interests include human experimentation, mass genocide, or murdering gay people, then that's fine by me. Outside of these walls, I own this city, so don't try bossing your way around while I'm here."

"Yeah, dipshit. Some of us simply want to take over the world, thank you very much," said the deformed infant, putting down his _Sun Tzu_ _'s The Art of War_ booklet.

"Do you understand this?" After hearing Ironwood's words, Mr. Monarch groaned and then stepped back down.

Nora clasped her hands together, and then sprung them wide out, accidentally punching Ren's corpse in the face. "Okay, now onto the next phase of the plan! Based on what Beato and Mr. Swain told us, we know that Weiss has teamed up with her friends Ruby and Yang, along with some Neopolitan girl." _Great, this is going to end well. It_ _'s not like my ex-girlfriend is going to chop my head off or something like that._ "But anyway, I don't think she's too much of a threat."

"What the hell are you talking about, girl?" said the butterfly-costumed freak. "She took out most of my fucking men, and then some. Not a threat? She's Brock fucking Samson for Pete's sake!"

"Did someone say my name?" said Professor Peter Port, who happened to be sitting on the opposite side of Torchwick.

"Oh god, there's a Pete in here."

"Well, they are just henchmen, and henchmen are expendable!" remarked Nora.

"As much as you are aware of my opinions on common foot soldiers, I do think it would be most prudent that we cut our losses wherever possible," said the robed man, whose outfit concealed his lips. "While we still hold an overwhelming advantage against our adversaries, it would be unwise to flout it needlessly on ventures like this. We have lost two regiments. I had to use one of my command scrolls to prevent the situation from being a total disaster!" After slamming the end of his cane into the ground, he cleared his throat with his open fist. The crow sitting on his shoulder squawked. "I would prefer not to repeat another disaster such as this, if at all possible."

"But aren't you supposed to think like five steps ahead of people in Bingo or something?" said Nora.

"I will remind you that I was opposed to this open act of aggression in the first place. Some of us don't necessarily think of the consequences before acting." The man glared at the Saber-lookalike standing right next to him.

"Aren't you supposed to be a tactical genius or something, old man? A real mastermind would have crushed Weiss's team."

"And he would have been able to sneak a whole division of tanks behind enemy lines without anyone noticing," groaned General Ironwood.

"See? Even boop-daddy Ironwood knows where it's at." Nora reached out her vampire fist. Ironwood reluctantly returned the gesture. "Where was I, oh right! Weiss and her friends are also teamed up with Gwonam the genie, so it's very likely that they're going to team up with King Harkinian or whats his face. Now that Blake Belladonna is out of the picture, they're going to try looking for one of the great Kung Fu masters like Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee."

"Aren't they both dead?" said someone a few seats over.

"Who knows? Anyway, Yang has a stand now, so we're going to need to find our own stands and summon the other heroic spirits so we don't get creamed as badly as Beato over there."

Roman raised his hand. "Wait, you said heroic spirits, right? As in... _Fate/stay night_ heroic spirits? Eh? Eh?" Nobody seemed impressed.

Still, even though he had already figured out the whole situation, he wanted to see if he could worm out how to summon one of those servants. It would vastly improve his combat aptitude, and it would provide him some degree of protection against his psycho ex-girlfriend.

"Yeah! I mean, we've already got Archer and Gilgamesh so we don't really need to summon..." _Wait, they_ _'ve got Gilgamesh on their side? The Gilgamesh? But… why would he be willing to work with any of these idiots? "..._ but I mean we are always in need of more people and we can always use them to make more money by selling their nude photos on the Internet. So, if you'd like to summon one yourself, that would be great!"

"Uh, sure, I'll go with that."

"Great! Talk to Mr. Swain or myself after this is all over! Anyway, the President of the United States is coming over to visit us tomorrow, so be sure to be nice to him. He's having trouble with elections in his home country, so we're going to lend him a helping hand! That's a wrap for today's meeting! Winter Schnee is going to make us all some homemade chocolate-chip pancakes a little bit later, so be sure to stay after!"

Winter tried speaking up, "When did I say…"

"If you don't make them, I will _FUCKING RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT AND GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE MY PANCAKE MIX BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T FEED ME MY DELICIOUS FUCKING PANCAKES!_ So be sure to make those pancakes okay?" Nora tapped Winter on the forehead and went "Boop!"

"Uh, sure, Miss Valkyrie."

As Roman Torchwick got out of his seat, he briefly looked back at the scene unfolding before him as he stepped out of the room. _Jesus Christ, these people are fucking animals._

But before Roman could finally have some peace, he felt an arm wrap around his shoulder. "You there, new guy! I'd like to have a word with you..." It was the guy in the butterfly costume.

 _I just can't catch a break today._


	5. Dining with The King

**A/N: Hello everyone! I'd like to thank all of you again for keeping up with this fic and those of you who subscribed! Thanks to your encouragement, I was able to write up this chapter quicker than usual. Now on with the story!**

* * *

"Wow, this place is amazing!" said Ruby, spinning around as she had one good look at King Harkinian's palace.

"Indeed," said Gwonam, "his majesty is preparing for us some fine Italian cuisine of thin spaghetti dipped in a fine mushroom, garlic, and Parmesan, with slices of chicken cooked within. Plus, we have some fresh fine Octorok as our appetizer. You must all be quite famished!"

"Dust dammit! I'm so fucking hungry!" said Weiss. While it was time for some roast beef and gravy, our young heiress probably wouldn't have been craving for a whole Octorok if she hadn't smoked pot all afternoon. All of that drug money was going straight into her sister's bank account, and I know just how harsh sisterly rivalry can be.

"Yo, detective ice-cream face!" Only Ruby's mentally defective sister would have the gall to come up with such an uninspired nickname for me. "Why are you carrying that skull around?"

What's it with you girl? You ain't never seen a dead body before? I just figured I'd take this as a souvenir from today's battle. Maybe if I showed Nora this, she'd understand what's coming to her. Nobody takes my man away from me, especially when he's my fellow private-eye detective.

"Well, lady, aren't you going to answer?"

I thought I just told you, but maybe my message didn't get through that thick skull of yours. Kids need to learn to respect their parents these days.

"Yang," said the young heiress, "I don't think she can talk."

Maybe you people just aren't good at listening.

"Well no shit," said Yang.

"I heard her talk once," said little Red.

"You must be dreaming, dolt," said our hobo heiress, smoking one one of her authentic hundred-dollar cigars.

"Nuh-uh. We were talking while we were fighting that woman who was also an evil, sexy vampire. By the way, Miss detective-sama, I never quite got your name."

Neopolitan Gasai. That's the name I've had ever since day fucking one. I never quite knew who my parents were, they died so long ago that I can't even remember their names. They say I've got some sort of co-dominant genetic thing going on, so apparently I've got both of my parents' hair colors. When I was a kid in high school, the other kiddos used to think my parents were the main characters in some children's cartoon they screened over in China.

After hearing what I said, Ruby turned to the others and shared her newfound information.

Yang jumped back like she had seen a baby eagle rip its way out of Ruby's stomach. "Neo Gasai?"

"Ruby you dunce!" Weiss slammed her heel onto the floor. "You just made that up, didn't you! You need to stop watching so much anime and TV shows!"

"At least I don't do crack!"

"You just had some an hour ago! You were there with me!"

"But I'm being serious, you guys! I swear, I heard her talk! Isn't that right, Neo?"

I turned and nodded to the other two. Some people just don't know how to keep up with the times.

Blondie shrugged, "Well, I guess that's that. Maybe you two have some sort of telepathic thing going on."

"But big sis, that can't be true. Magic isn't real, even though there's a magical genie floating behind us and even though that lady could transform into magical butterflies. Everything is powered by science, rational thought, and magic, so there's no room for supernatural stuff like ghosts and vampires."

"Ohoho!" Well, look who decided to show up. It was The King himself, sipping his precious five-dollar discount booze from a wide silver goblet. "It is such a pleasant surprise to see you four young maidens enjoying my great halls. Come, and let us sup with tonight's festivities! Princess Zelda will meet with you shortly."

"Uh, King-sama!" said little Red, raising her hand.

"What is it, my boy?"

"Where's Link? He's supposed to be the hero of time and all and I just figured we should meet him."

"I'm afraid he cannot come this evening, for you see, he has embarked on a quest to slay the evil Ganon, who has taken refuge in the faraway kingdom of Lusitania. But come, you needn't worry yourselves about such matters."

* * *

Within the hour, The King had gathered us all into the main dining hall, which had several Egyptian-looking columns on the sides much like the kind you see in your average Cheesecake Factory. In fact, this whole palace complex had been renovated from an abandoned mall after the inquisition five years ago. So maybe what we were seeing was the real deal.

From the looks of things, it was the four of us, The King, Gwonam, and Princess Zelda. Because of the size of The King's grand table, there weren't enough of us to fill all the seats.

It turned out that The King had the Mario brothers under his employ. Considering those two were one of the few real Italian folks in this wretched city, it was no wonder The King would make them his personal chefs so he could have some real Italian food. The two mustachioed brothers joined us for dinner, sitting right next to me and Blondie.

The food itself wasn't half bad, but then again I've tasted everything this city has to offer. It's one of the many perks that comes with being a private detective.

Aside from myself of course, Weiss seemed to be the only person who knew how to chow on her prize spaghetti, even though she was a filthy vagabond. Everyone else was trying to eat it like how you're supposed to dip into fried chicken, getting all sorts of garlic and grease on their fingertips.

The King's portion was about twice the size of everyone else's, yet he had finished the whole thing with only half a spoonful left on the plate.

After wiping his face off, The King stood up and planted his hands on the table, "Pardon me, my favored guests, but I must request a from you."

"I'm listening," said the heiress, still chowing on some garlicky chicken.

"Now, as many of you well know, the Kingdom of Vale is in the midst of a great war, The War of the Five Kings."

"So," said Ruby, still shoving some pasta into her face, "you're one of those five kings?"

"It is true. I am in need of your help. As I am the rightful heir to the throne, it is my duty to see that I emerge victorious in this war of honor and bloodshed. I have learned that the girl Nora Valkyrie has summoned forth the heroic spirit Gilgamesh, who claims to be the King of Kings."

"G-Gilgamesh?" stuttered Ruby. "Shit, not even my amazing Kung Fu techniques or my skills with my Big Dick can take on the likes of him!"

"You have a pen…?" asked Zelda.

"It's her scythe. Don't ask why that idiot dunce decided to call it that," replied our heiress.

The King made a wave with his hand. "Indeed, it seems we have a common enemy. It is likely your vampire friend has summoned this servant to prevent you from striking her directly. I shall lend you aid on your quest, provided you swear your allegiance to me."

"Well," said Blondie, "the food here is pretty good. I guess we could lend a helping hand."

"Yeah," said Weiss, as she was cleaning herself with her napkin. "Say, could we get some of this to go?"

"Most certainly." Gwonam stood up and got on his magic carpet, hovering over the the table. For a second there, I was worried he might lose his balance. If that happened, we would have a whole lot of spaghetti on our hands.

The King continued, "On the morrow, I shall go to meet with King Leonidas so we can make common cause against the great Gilgamesh. If my mission is successful, we may be able to enlist Pyrrha Nikos and Jaune Arc onto our side."

"Wait," interrupted the heiress, "can't we just go to Beacon and ask them?"

"They both dropped out," uttered Ruby.

"They what?"

"Yeah," replied Yang, combing the lice out of her overgrown hemp of hair. "Professor Ozpin said they were on family business or something."

"But you know that's not true, big sis!" said Red. "Don't you see? Pyrrha kidnapped Jaune so she could make him her waifu and they rented out an abandoned shed in the middle of Shrek's swamp so they could make millions of sexy vampire babbys and baptize them in Shrek's onion juice!"

"Dear god, that's disgusting!" said Princess Zelda.

"Just ignore her," said Weiss.

"But it's all true, Weiss!" exclaimed Ruby.

Blondie shrugged. "Hate to say it, Weiss, but my little sister tends to be right half of the time. Even though she sounds completely insane most of the time, I don't see any reason why we should doubt her."

"That's right Yang!" I nodded my head too. Little Red seemed to be the smartest one out of all of us here. Even though she wasn't a real private detective yet, Ruby was usually quick to the chase. Many times, she had reached the same conclusion as I had in half the time. Gotta give credit where it's due.

Still, Weiss growled, and looked away cause she was nothing but a poor sport who couldn't even get past the first skeleton in _Shrek Souls 2: The Darkness Returns._ "You're such a fucking Weeaboo, Ruby. Stupid duncehead."

The King cleared his throat, planting his fork into the table. "Well, girls, I don't have any tasks for you to take care of at the moment, so you are free to go whenever you like."

"But father," said Zelda, "what is there for me to do? I'm bored here at the palace without Link to keep me company! Plus, this place smells like rotting cheesecake!"

"Enough, Zelda! You must stay here and guard the palace while I go to speak with King Leonidas."

"But can't the Mario brothers do that?"

"Our enemies are numerous, so we must defend these grounds lest they take us unawares. Besides, I do not think that my loyal Italian chefs know how to speak proper English."

"Did he-a just say something about us?" said Luigi, who was helping Gwonam pack the leftover pasta.

Mario shrugged. "Beats me, Luigi. We're just here so the author can make jokes at our expense."

"Man, I wish we could go back to-a saving the princesses and go-kart racing!"

As Princess Zelda watched the conversation unfold before her, she groaned and rested her forehead into her palms. I couldn't see what her big deal was. Nor could I understand what those two Italian plumbers were fussing about, because they were speaking Italian. On the other hand, I had heard that Luigi was having some trouble with the feds, though I couldn't say what for. Maybe I'm starting to get a bit rusty.

Ruby raised her hand, again. "Mister King-sama!"

"What is it, my boy?"

"Well, you see, since we're on this epic quest to defeat the evil, sexy vampire Nora, we need to find all the legendary Kung Fu masters and magical Indian chiefs and Daenerys Targaryen and her baby dragons. So, I was wondering if you would know where to find them."

"Hmmm…" said his majesty. "I cannot quite say where you'd be able to find them. You see, because the individuals you seek are great Kung Fu masters, they are also ninjas, so no one knows where they might be seen. But, there _is_ someone who might know where to find them. Though I must warn you, he isn't exactly the easiest person to get along with…."

* * *

Within the hour, the four of us had arrived at our destination. A small town cafe on the east side of Vale along the river, the place had the distinct smell of cinnamon buns, even though it was half-past closing time.

I had to ride with Weiss on her moped, and let me tell you, it wasn't exactly the most pleasant experience. The heiress looks like she hasn't showered in weeks, and I could still smell the shit from our fight earlier this afternoon. I had to sit back up on the seat so I wouldn't ruin my perfectly good pair of pants.

Right when we got off, Blondie gathered us all up and went over the plan. "Alright, you know what to do. Weiss, Neo, the two of you will go inside and meet up with our informant. You've got the goods, right?"

I got 'em right here, girl.

"I'll take that as a yes. The two of us will stand outside here in case someone tries to cause any trouble."

"Got it," said Weiss.

"If you two have any trouble, just let us know, kay?"

"Don't worry about us," said little Red. "Me and my Big Dick will be able to handle everything out here."

"Ugh," groaned Weiss. "Come on, you dolt, we're going in. Great, can't believe I'm stuck with the mute."

You sure are one to talk, lady. Maybe if you collected all the soup cans in _Donkey Kong 64: Enter the Dragon Jesus_ , you'd start picking up some of my street lingo. Maybe you'd start smelling better too.

As I took my sweet time licking my sour granny apple lollipop, the two of us headed right on in, as the door's locking mechanism hadn't been working for over seventeen years.

The whole place was filled with a faint haze of cigarette smoke, coupled with the few dozen or so dead bodies lying all over the place. Only a few bulbs dangling from the ceiling illuminated the joint, and beside each one stood a fan whirling at a snail's pace.

Our mole was sitting in a candlelit booth over at the back end of the cafe, having a sip of some warm chocolate macchiato. If I didn't know any better, I'd say this man was one of the nastiest scum I had ever seen in Vale's harsh streets, except for my fellow private detective who played Patty-Cake-Patty-Cake with Shrek's fucking wife. The man was wearing his grandmother's red sweater along with a pair of black pants and a black eyemask that made him look like a goddamn raccoon. I could've sworn the mustache on his face looked fake, because he didn't sign his name on it.

It took us a couple of minutes, but Weiss and I eventually managed to step over all the dead bodies and puddles of blood and sat down right next to our informant. As he took a huff on one of his prized cigars, our friend took one hard look at us, trying to see whether or not one of us forgot to wear our pajama pants.

Weiss began, "So, you're…"

"Yup, you've got me. I'm the real, original deal, pussycat." Although our friend had a girth that could easily rival those of the Mario brothers, there was no mistaking who this man was, especially not with his special, one-of-a-kind appearance.

His name was Italian Spiderman.

"What can I do you two ladies in for?"

"So," said Weiss, "I heard you're quite the ladies' man." She leaned in close so she could show off her great, white, succulent beard.

"I won't deny that I like a bit of pussy from time to time, but I'm on vacation right now. Course if you've got anything else to say, I'm all ears."

So I decided to get straight to the point, tossing a stack of twenty-dollar bills on the table while lighting the end of my lollipop stick. You see, I told him that we were on a quest to gather up legendary Kung Fu masters so we could fight Nora and her army of supervillains. I said that if he could lend us a helping hand, then maybe he'd receive a little extra compensation.

"Look, sexy ladies, I have no fucking idea what you two are talking about with all this Kung Fu madness and whatnot. It's all a bunch of children's fairy tales!" Apparently our friend Italian Spiderman would need a bit more convincing. It's a good thing I came prepared.

"You know mister," Weiss leaned in closer, reaching for one of Italian Spiderman's arms, "maybe one of us could offer a few, additional, incentives…"

Italian Spiderman smacked the heiress's hand away, since she was showing more skin than what's allowed in children's cartoons. "Whoa, easy there pussycat! I may be the greatest superhero of all time, but even I got my limits. Don't get me wrong, but I'm not into hobos, and I don't do crazy chicks either!"

"But… but…" I reached over and pulled the heiress's hand to the side, cause I don't think Italian Spiderman would appreciate it if he caught Weiss's cooties because she was being too touchy-feely, if you know what I'm saying. "Dust dammit!"

In either case, it was time to bring out our secret bargaining chip. I brought out the plastic bag I've been holding onto this whole time and opened it right on the table. Inside was a plastic container filled with leftover pasta from tonight's dinner, along with a few utensils. I slid the container over to the other side of the table, and our informant took one hard whiff of its spicy contents. You see, even though Italian Spiderman was one tough cookie to deal with, not even he could resist the taste of some fresh, authentic Mexican food, because he was Italian.

"Now you're talking. You two are looking for the legendary Kung Fu masters, right?" Even though I couldn't understand a goddamn word he was saying because he was speaking Italian, I could understand what he was saying because I had seen the Japanese dub of the _Italian Spiderman_ TV show.

"Yeah, you could say that," said my hobo associate. I nodded my head as well.

"Have either of you heard of Jackie Chan?"

"Isn't he supposed to be dead?"

At that moment, little Red jumped in right between us and raised her hand like a kid in elementary school, "Ooh! I know everything about the legendary Kung Fu Master Jackie Chan! I've seen all his movies and watched the cartoon show when I was two years old!"

"Ruby, how the fuck did you get in here without any of us noticing?"

"You're so silly, Weiss! It's because I believe in magic!"

"What? But didn't you…"

"But Weiss, I've always believed in magic and dragons and fairy tales."

Our heiress threw up her arms in frustration. "Ugh! Forget it, you stupid dunce."

After those two were done with their pointless tirade, the man sitting across the table extinguished his cigar by jamming it into the table, and then he spoke up. "As I was saying, right after General Ironwood took over, a few fans of the Jackie Chan movies went northeast and set up their own dojo on the mountainside. I don't know if the old man himself is still alive, but if he's anywhere, you're going to find him there."

"Could we, perhaps, get directions to this place?" Weiss asked.

"No problemo." He reached over and pulled out a notepad and pen that had been lodged between his ass cheeks. For the next half-hour or so, he doodled the directions on how to get to the dojo through the Forever Fall Forest without having to pass through the toll booths, phantom or otherwise. "Either way, you're going to have to be careful while on this little adventure of yours."

"Don't worry about us, Italian Spiderman," said Ruby. "We've already defeated Glynda Goodwitch's evil twin sister, so I'm pretty sure we can fend for ourselves."

"I don't think you girls realize what kinda mess you're getting yourselves into. These aren't your ordinary, day-to-day monsters of the week we're talking about here. Because in these woods lurk those foul, monstrous beasts that have threatened Remnant's civilizations for centuries and centuries on end, the evil Grrm."


	6. The Quest for the Great Kung Fu Master

I woke up early the next morning so I could catch a train to the north end of the city. Weiss, Red, and Blondie were already waiting for me by the time I got there. The three of them had stolen an armored jeep from one of the military surplus stores over on the south side of the city, and a mob of angry hobos with shotguns had trailed them all the way to the subway station.

"Get in!" said Blondie. I took her hand and jumped right into the window, just narrowly avoiding a pellet cluster bursting through my perfectly good boots.

Before we knew it, we were straight out of Vale's gates, passing by a pair of Ironwood's goons. Ruby was able to convince them that we were going on a vacation to Disney World, so they let us through without so much as a second glance. They weren't exactly the brightest bulbs on the planet.

"Man," said Blondie, "talk about easy."

"Uh, guys…" As our truck began swerving through the dense forest, our heiress pointed to a swarm of monkey Grrm hiding up in the trees, just waiting to pounce on us and steal our Lucky Charms cereal.

"Holy shit, motherfuckers!" shouted Ruby, flailing her arms about like a muppet. "It is the evil Grrm!"

As those damn apes began to make their way toward us, I readied my personal umbrella, along with a few extra Dust grenades I packed for the journey.

I don't think I've ever told you about the Grrm, so now is a good time as ever. You see, ever since the beginning of time, these black beasts have haunted the four civilizations of Remnant for ages on end. A long, long, long, long time ago, there used to be an evil, black magician known as Sir Isaac Newton. Back in the time of the ancient Indian chiefs when Gilgamesh was still a noob at _Super Smash Brothers_ , Sir Isaac Newton used to be an author who wrote fairy tales and children's stories. But then he started killing off all the main characters, incurring the wrath of every single fanboy and fangirl who watched the _Star Shrek_ series.

Soon, the whole world's hate was upon him, and as he gathered all the negative thoughts and feelings of Remnant's inhabitants, he slowly turned into a giant trollface as he feasted on the world's growing rage. And then he invented alchemy by poking himself in his eyeballs and caused the whole plot of _Fullmetal Alchemist_ to happen.

You see, every ounce of evil scum and villainy in this world exists in this world because of what Sir Isaac Newton had done billions of years ago. There's a reason he's called the deadliest sonofabitch in space. Even after Remnant's first superheroes were able to defeat this menace, Sir Isaac Newton's evil still lurks deep within the recesses of Vale's deep, deep underground. After his head exploded, his guts and brains became the various Grrm that dot this landscape, which were named after one of his many followers, who also killed off all his main characters.

Still, even though these evil, dangerous beasts had haunted this planet's surface for millennia on end, that wasn't to say were a match for us. It was a shame Gwonam couldn't join in on the action, as he was busy carrying off King Harkinian to the distant Mistralian continent.

"Hot damn, that was almost too easy," remarked Yang.

"Yeah!" said Ruby. "Even Weiss was able to kick ass even though she's the weakest person on our team."

"Shut up, you dunce! I-I just need more crack, that's all!" The heiress took out a plastic baggie filled with the goods, sucking up everything with a straw until her eyes were bloodshot.

"So," said Yang, "looks like the coast is clear. Shall we get going?"

"I guess…"

"Yeah big sis! I didn't even get a proper Kung Fu action scene where I get to show off my Big Dick!"

Soon we were all back on the jeep, heading straight down the interstate. We met a few Grrm here and there, but it wasn't anything the four of us couldn't handle. After a few miles, the sky began to clear up to the point where we could see the sun and the blue sky once again. I don't remember when was the last time I've seen Mister Sunshine hanging from up high, but now that I was seeing its glowing radiance, it was almost as if I had met Shrek in person.

" _You sure are looking fine today Neo…"_

That damn, cheating, motherfucking scum-wad! We were supposed to be a team together, complete with hard, rough sex every Friday night. What ever happened to those days, partner?

I almost wanted to ask Weiss for a smoke, but luckily I was able to stop myself, because smoking causes cancer.

"You okay there, Neo?" asked Blondie. I wasn't really in the mood to talk at the moment. Being a private-eye detective is a tough job, so sometimes I need to take some time off to listen to some smooth jazz music while doing a little introspection.

It took us about an hour and a half to get through the main forest, where the road began to wind down to a wide, yellow prairie before leading up to a series of foothills. Past that lurked a lonely, snow-topped mountain, with a thin smoky stream trailed up into the bright, blue sky.

"I-Is that it?" asked Red, sitting in the driver's seat.

"I think so," muttered Weiss. "At least, that's what the directions say."

Well, looks like there's only one way to find out.

It took another four minutes for our van to swing through the hilly landscape, where we found a dirt lot like the kind you see in forest preserves, only there weren't any trees here.

Right next to an old red picnic table, a smooth, stone walkway about three feet wide snaked over to where a rope bridge hung over a narrow brook. Past that stood one of those Japanese-style gates, with a trail of bamboo fences bordering the ancient path as it spiraled up the mountain.

It was almost too easy.

Right after we all jumped out of the jeep, Blondie paused to take in all the delicious, sunlit scenery. "Looks like we're here, guys."

"Alright, I just can't wait to meet the great Kung Fu Master Jackie Chan!"

"Is he even alive still?" asked Weiss.

"I watched all of his movies! How else did you think I learned the ancient art of the Crescent Rose?"

Well, it looks like we've got no time to waste. Sooner or later, Nora's goons are going to be back on our trail. Who knows what kind of circus freak she's going to send against us next?

Of course, that was the least of our concerns at the moment, because right now there was monkey standing before us who had forgotten to button up his shirt.

Blondie took a step back. "Sun, what are you doing all the way out here?"

"So, the four of you have come to train at our dojo…"

A man dressed in red overcoat stepped out from behind the gate on the other side of the bridge. Dressed like an authentic Egyptian, the man was wearing so much bling he could easily beat Kanye West in a rap battle dance off just by his swag alone. And it wasn't just your ordinary gold-plated dollar necklace either; the way he wore that golden necklace, which had been worn by the Egyptian pharaohs from the _Yu-Gi-Oh!_ trading card games, had more professional grace than even the best pro Starcraft players.

"Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!" the man said as he wagged this finger back and forth. "Do you truly have what it takes to train with the Master?"

"Ruby, who is this?" said the heiress.

"I don't know, but he could sure use a good ass-kicking!" Yang readied herself into a battle-ready pose, arming her own gauntlets.

"Hot damn, girl!" Sun said as he jumped back.

"So, it appears that your friend has already acquired a stand of her own, one quite similar to Star Platinum as a matter of fact."

"Star Platinum?" muttered Weiss.

"Weiss, you really need to watch more cartoon TV shows!" said Ruby.

"Shut up, you dunce! I don't wanna become a Weeaboo like you!"

"Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Even as Beacon's esteemed huntresses, you still act like foolish children. But enough of this!" He swept his arm down and began crossing the bridge. "If the four of you wish to seek the great Kung Fu master, you must pass through me and my apprentice, for I am Muhammad Avdol, motherfucker!"

"You heard the man!" said Sun as he pulled out his long red shaft.

"Oh yeah?" said Yang. "You think that red bird thing is going to help against us? Bring it!" I couldn't say for sure what Blondie was talking about, seeing as I couldn't see any members of the Louisville Cardinals in the area, but I'm guessing she meant that this authentic Egyptian menace had a stand on hand. What kind of stand, you ask? Who knows? Looks like we're about to find out.

Muhammad crossed his arms together, and then made some sort of bizarre pose. **"MAGICIAN'S RED! CROSSFIRE HURRICANE!"**

 **"GUYS! GET OUT OF THE WAY!"**

I couldn't see what was coming at us, but I managed to grab Ruby before she got hit by the blast, seeing as she wasn't paying attention to her surroundings.

"Oh shit!" shouted little Red. "That guy just unleashed his ultimate attack where he eats all his leftover celery sticks and then shoots at us with all his tomato jizz that sets everything on fire! It's like he's a magical wizard or something!"

I had no fucking idea just what Red was going on about, but when I turned back around, I saw scorch marks on the stone in the shape of one of those Egyptian God Cards. Part of the grass also looked like it had caught on fire, but I couldn't see the flames. I wonder if this is what it's like to be Fox McCloud.

Without missing the beat, Blondie shot herself forward, preparing to land one hard punch for our Arabian menace.

Sun tried intercepting her. "Not so fast, Xiao Long!"

"Out of my way!" Yang simply smacked monkey-boy in the face, and now Sun was out for the count. **"ASURA'S WRATH! FIST OF A THOUSAND NOSE HAIRS! HIYAAAAAAAAA!"**

"What?" said Muhammad Avdol. "But how can such a stand exist? Stands are supposed to derive their names from the great Jazz musicians or Tarot cards. How is possible that your stand should derive its power from the Hindu god Shiva?" As Blondie screamed at the top of her lungs, I could see the Egyptian man slowly drift his way back to the other side of the bridge, desperately trying to defend against Yang's flurry of invisible blows.

"Quick!" said Ruby. "We gotta cross the brook while Yang's making a distraction!"

To be honest, I said to Ruby, it looked like Blondie over there was taking care of things on her own.

"Yeah, but this is the part where one member of the team makes a distraction so the heroes can sneak into the enemy base! Alright, Weiss, Neo, let's go!"

"Not so fast, ladies!" Sun Wukong was back on his feet.

"H-how did you get back up so quickly?" exclaimed our heiress.

"It's going to take more than a punch from some hot chick to keep this bad boy down."

"Well it's three on one, dumbass! Got anything to say to that?"

"You think that's going to stop me, ice princess? Let's just say I know a few ways to… _even the odds._ "

"Watch out guys! He's going to use his semblance!" warned little Red.

But it was already too late, for Sun had already split up into three separate copies of himself, each one spinning his trademark shaft.

"Weiss, get ready! I've got a plan guys!" And without saying a single word, Ruby shared her plan with the two of us, because as any hard-boiled detective knows, plans are more likely to succeed when nobody ever bothers to actually explain them.

With a flick of her blade, Weiss the Hobo conjured up a glyph right underneath little Red, causing the girl to pick up some serious speed, especially when combined with the explosive punch of her Big Dick. You'd think that wielding such an unwieldy Big Dick would actually make her slower, but the truth was quite the opposite. As a matter of fact, Ruby was able to pick up so much speed because her Big Dick was red, since painting things red makes them go faster.

Right as monkey-boy was about to make his move, Ruby slammed her Big Dick right into his chest, spinning round and round like a teacup. His hard red shaft exploded in masochistic pleasure and ecstasy because of how hard Ruby's Big Dick smacked into his face. When her scythe hit the other two shadow clones, they exploded soon after.

Now that she was standing on the other side of the brook, Ruby started gesturing us forward, "Come on guys, let's move!"

Weiss turned to face me, and I nodded in return, taking another hard suck on my lollipop. We started making our move, just as little Red began ascending up the mountain slope, cause she wasn't the kind of girl who played by the rules.

 **"GODDAMMIT!"** Just as we were about to cross the creek, Sun stood back up, wiping the blood off his face. How in hell is that boy still alive after taking a blow from a two-ton war scythe in the face? Well, it ain't the strangest thing I've ever seen.

"Don't worry Neo, I've got this!" Weiss pulled out her signature Calico, and shot Sun in the face.

Only, it wasn't Sun. It was one of his shadow clones, and its explosion threw us back straight into the brook.

"Dust dammit!"

"I'm right over here, you piece of shit!" When I turned to have a look, Sun was standing right on the top of the bank, his shaft now split into two nunchuks, which were also machine guns. "Two can play at that game!"

Just before monkey-boy could pepper Weiss with his explosive bullets of pure rage, I whipped out my umbrella and activated my semblance, allowing the two of us to make a quick getaway as Sun was distracted. Of course, seeing as Weiss has never seen my superpowers in action, I had to drag her along as we quickly ascended the cliffs. A few quick jumps later, we were high up on the mountain trail, ready to continue our ascent.

"How did you… Is that your semblance?" muttered the heiress.

I don't really have time to explain these things to you, kiddo. Even though you're already two years over the drinking limit and already know how to smoke cigarettes, you're still just a kid.

Even up here, we could still hear Sun's frustrated shouting. **"GODDAMMIT! WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY GO? FUCKING SHIT!"**

As the two of us made our way up the trail, I had a quick peek down at the battle below. The bridge looked like it had been burned to a crisp, and invisible flames were spreading across the dry plains. Thick fumes of smoke were rising from below, even though there was no fire to be seen for miles. Muhammad Avdol was putting up a good fight, trying to keep his distance from Blondie's barrage of imaginary fists, but it was clear that he was no match against Yang's utterly broken stand. Already, his knuckles were cracked and bleeding, and his left wrist had been bent in an unnatural position. On the other hand, Yang didn't even look like she was trying, with nary a scratch on her precious golden hair.

"What happened to the bridge?" asked Weiss. Apparently, she couldn't get a good grasp of what was going on.

Unfortunately, I didn't have time to answer her question, because it was right at that moment that Sun leaped up to our level, his hard shaft raised up high. "You think your shitty little games and tricks would stop me? You idiots can't run away from me! **I'M FUCKING MOGAR!"**

But before he could slam his staff into the ground, Ruby came at him faster than a speeding bullet. **"KIYAAAAA!"**

When Ruby double-side-kicked Sun right in the face, the impact created a miniature nuclear explosion, sending Sun hurling straight toward the ground far below. A crater the size of two-hundred Dr. Manhattans formed on the surface where he landed. I didn't really want to know how far down into hell he was going, seeing how he succumbed to his own wrath after Piglet had bested him in a game of baseball.

"Ruby!" The heiress went over to hug Ruby in joy. I had to look away for a brief moment, if only to keep my own sanity.

"I told you I'd be back, Weiss! I had to pull off my finishing moves!" After releasing herself from Weiss's grasp, Ruby said, "Yang's still busy down there, right?"

"Looks like it, but she doesn't look like she's having too much trouble."

From the looks of things, Yang could take on almost anything in a straight up fight. If Blondie hadn't joined along, we wouldn't be standing here today, seeing how much yesterday's fight had taken the wind out of us.

"You sure said it, Neo," remarked Ruby. "She's probably the most powerful person on our team right now. I just hope she doesn't die anytime soon. Anyway, let's meet up with the ancient Kung Fu master chief!"

* * *

Surprisingly, the dojo looked more like a five-story office space instead of your traditional Middle-Eastern cuisine. The three of us had already taken the elevator to the top floor, which had some sparkling clean marble tile. The end of the hall featured a heavy, oaken doorway, with two pairs of buttons low to the ground so handicapped people could have access to it. On each side was a gold-framed picture of Jackie Chan himself, back from when he starred in the cartoon series. Little Red here had fainted two seconds in, so Weiss and I had to exchange turns carrying her.

The door itself didn't have any doorknobs, so I had to press one of the buttons to get in. Seeing as it had been a few minutes since we entered this office complex, I couldn't help but wonder how long it would take Blondie to catch up to us.

The inside of the dimly-lit room had the distinct scent of Jasmine green tea. I could see some of the tapioca-flavored drinks sitting on the glass-topped table at the end of the room in about three of those kiddie cups they serve at low-end restaurants. A single black leather chair stood behind the desk, facing the blind-covered window at the back end of the office. There was also the faint wisp of incense hanging in the air, streaming out from the four pots hanging at the corners or the room, right next to the long bookshelves on each side.

Ruby, now standing up, went up to address whoever was sitting behind the desk. "Are you the great Kung Fu Master Jackie Chan?"

"Nope, you got it all wrong." The seat swiveled around to reveal a bespectacled, ginger-haired toddler, clasping his hands together with adult-like grace. "It's Chuckie Chan!"

He stood up on his chair and then leaped onto the table, knocking over one of his tapioca tea drinks with his red gym shoes.

He then pulled out a cigarette from his pockets and began smoking it. "A baby's gotta do what a baby's gotta do."


	7. Intermission II: Meet the President

**A/N: Hello peoples! I would like to thank new person who subscribed to my story! Also, be sure to leave comments and stuff!**

* * *

"Come on!" whined The Monarch. "Could we get on with the meeting already? I'm sick of these fucking pancakes."

Nora slammed her vampire fist on the table, cracking some of the marble. "No Mr. Butterfly-man! Don't you ever talk trash about my fucking pancakes! They're yummy and juicy! If you say anything like that again, I'm going to stuff you into one of these Chuck-E-Cheese robots like my dead boyfriend!" The sloth-shaped animatronic standing right next to Nora simply waved at the rest of the group, its joints gnashing and creaking as it did so.

As this whole commotion was going on, Roman simply leaned back in his seat. He didn't want to say it out loud, seeing as he didn't want to incur Nora's wrath, but he too was getting tired of eating pancakes. The pancakes probably had drugs in them too, because he could've sworn that he saw a pig trying to talk to him when he got back from his lunch break.

Roman lazily raised his hand, "Isn't the President of the United States supposed to be coming here today?"

"Yeah, silly! Don't you remember me saying that yesterday?"

"Then why is nobody here?" Torchwick honestly had no idea what sort of business President Obama would have with these sorts of freaks, but even so, they could at least _try_ to keep up appearances. So far, there was only him, Nora, Winter, Ironwood, The Monarch, Professor Peter Port, Stewie Griffin, some blond kid, a guy in a bear costume, someone from _My Little Pony_ , some guy with a toilet-paper-roll mask, and some new chick named Azula. The other seats were filled with various stuffed animals to maintain the illusion of a full party. _These people are fucking hopeless._

Nora simply wagged her finger at the smooth criminal. "Everyone else is off doing super-duper important missions! I'm sure Mr. President will understand. Speaking of which, now is a perfectly good time for some INTERIOR…"

"Miss Nora Valkyrie!" One of The Monarch's goons barged into the meeting room. He was a bit pudgier than the other henchmen, but at the same time he had much more muscle on him, which had apparently ripped his sleeves off.

"What is it 21? Did you find a way to bring my dead boyfriend back to life?" The sloth animatronic twitched at this remark. Winter also gave Nora a queer look.

"No, Miss Sloth Queen, it's about the other task. We've managed to capture Adam Taurus like you asked."

"Yes! Yes! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! My diabolical plan is nearing completion! Now that we're all together-together, we can finally have our super-sexy dance party!"

"Ugh, you wouldn't know how to host a sexy party if it hit you in the back of the noggin." After his brief remark, Stewie let out a puff of air through his bubble pipe. Even for a baby, Roman Torchwick couldn't help but notice that this guy had way more class than most of the people in this room.

The new girl turned to face the company head, "I thought you requested my services so we could capture that 'thieving Weiss idiot,' not so we could act like total degenerates."

Roman didn't really know much about the new girl, aside from the fact she looked _fine_ as hell. She had to be at least twenty, which wasn't too far off from Miss Valkyrie herself. Azula claimed to be from some place called the Fire Nation, though Roman had no idea where that was supposed to be. He hadn't interacted with her that much personally, but apparently she was supposed to have a semblance similar to Cinder Fall, who used to be his old boss.

"Well," said Nora, "there's that too, but the real reason I brought you here was so you could join in on the sexy party, and so I can make you into a vampire!"

"That wasn't…"

"Well isn't it obvious? We need a lesbian vampire on our team! That's why I recruited you!"

"Miss Valkyrie," said Ironwood as he raised his hand, "is any of this really necessary?"

"Of course it is, you boopy-head!"

"Ahem!" The mook standing at the door coughed, gathering everyone's attention. "So, Miss Sloth Queen, shall I bring him in?"

"Well Adam Taurus is Adam Taurus, so of course you should bring him in!"

"Yes, my Sloth Queen." Number 21 made a graceful bow and then exited the chamber.

"My, my, you sure have that boy quite whipped, if I do say so myself," said Professor Port as he swung his arm across his broad chest.

"I approve," commented the new girl, with a viper-like smirk.

"Of course, if he didn't call me his queen, I'd just kill him with my death note! He's just a red shirt minion anyway, so it's not like anyone cares about him or anything like that! And besides, I've…"

"Wait a minute," said Azula, "you have a death note?"

"Well yeah, I just stole it from Light this morning!"

"Why don't we just use that to kill Weiss's friends and then kidnap her?"

Nora shrugged, "But that wouldn't be fair! I mean, I hate Weiss and all for stealing my delicious chocolate-chip pancakes, but at least I try to play by the rules when going about my evil deeds!"

Even though Roman was about to fall asleep from all this mindless chatter, he couldn't help but notice his butterfly-themed "mentor" nod at this statement. _Jeez, how long does it take to bring just one guy in, especially some runt like Adam?_

Nora suddenly stood up. "Hey look everyone, it's Adam Taurus!"

As the front doors opened once again, Roman's eyes lazily drifted to the two Atlasian guards lugging forth a silver-masked man. Of course, just as the two guards slammed the man into the round table, Roman sprung to attention, immediately noticing that something was amiss.

This guy wasn't Adam.

Having worked with the White Fang on a number of occasions, Roman had become accustomed to Adam's appearance, even if he hid his own eyes behind a Grrm-like mask. As such, he could easily discern Adam even from a distance.

This guy was definitely not Adam Taurus.

First of all, this guy's hair was black, and he lacked Adam's prominent horns. In fact, he probably wasn't even a Faunus. Not to mention, this guy was wearing a cape. A _purple_ cape. Lined with _gold_. Adam didn't _do_ capes. There was also the fact the markings on his mask were way, way off, but at this point it didn't really matter.

"Uh, Nora…"

"Yes Mr. Torchwick?"

"I don't think that's him."

"What are you talking about? This is totally Adam Taurus."

General Ironwood raised his hand, "Miss Valkyrie, I think Mr. Torchwick here is right. I looked up Adam's files on the national databases, and aside from some superficial similarities, I don't think this is our man."

"But look!" Nora leaped onto the table and pulled the mask off. "See? This is his mask!"

"Adam's mask had a bit more red in it," said Roman, pointing at the mask. _Not like she_ _'ll believe me anyway._

"Well, maybe he painted it over!"

"Ugh," hissed the man whose face was slammed into the table, "to think I would be captured by such incompetent fools."

"And look," said Nora, pointing to the severe burn marks on the right side of the man's face, "this guy is also Scarface, so now we know for sure this is Adam! Maybe if you all tried eating some Pumpkin Pete's cereal for breakfast every morning, you'd be super-duper smart like me, Nora!"

"But you eat nothing but pancakes every morning!" remarked the pony magician, Trixie.

"Well," said Stewie as he climbed onto the table.

The guy in the bear costume let out a great guffaw as he watched the baby strut across the table with his wee little legs. "Hohoho! Look at that little boy go!"

General Ironwood immediately stood up and yelled, "SIT DOWN! YOU HAVE A RESTRAINING ORDER!"

A pair of Atlasian guards standing around the edges of the room slammed the costumed man back into place. "Sorry, sorry! Didn't mean to do anything wrong there. Hyuk!"

The oddly-shaped baby strut over to the large man at the other end of the table and obtained the mask from Nora, "As I was saying, it's fairly obvious that this isn't our man. But I wouldn't say that this is a complete loss. Now, why don't you have a look at this handsome young fellow for a second? He certainly looks like a capable fighter based on his physique alone. And… watch this!" Stewie instantly leaped over the man and pulled out a long blade. "HAHA!"

"Jesus!" shouted Torchwick, "Watch where you point that thing!"

"Agreed," muttered one of the guards.

"Well, that little episode aside, I think we could make use of this man. You there…" Stewie strut over and tugged him by the front of his cape, "what is your name?"

The man growled, "It's… Hermes…"

"Hermes is it? That's a mighty fine name you've got there. I think we're going to get along just fine. Now, is there anything else you can tell us about yourself?"

Hermes spat on Stewie's face.

"Go fuck yourself." The baby then began to move back to his seat.

The toilet paper guy meekly raised his hand, "So, uh, is this the part where we, uh, murder him in cold blood?"

Nora paced back and forth, "Hmm, well if this isn't the real Adam Taurus, then I guess we can just lock him in a cell with Beato for a day and see if that'll get him to talk."

Professor Port cleared his throat. "You know, if you do need someone to wring some information out of him, I _was_ going to offer my services. I _do_ have experience working with animals after all."

"Well, Mr. Haywood, I guess you can take over Beato's torture duties since you're here and she isn't."

"Excellent!" replied Professor Port as he clutched his fingers together, letting out a menacing chuckle.

"Hold on!" said Winter Schnee, who was typing up something on her laptop. "I just dug up some info on our subject on the _Crusader Kings II_ wiki. Apparently Hermes here has a strong claim on the Kingdom of Pars, which is located somewhere in modern-day Iran."

"Yeah, so?" shrugged Nora.

"Osama bin Laden lives in Iran. Plus, if we press this man's claim, we can acquire the kingdom for ourselves and use it to expand our dominion."

"It'll also allow us to build suicide bombers and recruit terrorists to our cause," added General Ironwood.

Nora smacked her right fist into her other palm. "And that means more henchmen! That sounds like an excellent plan! Now…"

At that moment, the doors opened once again as a suited man strode in, linking arms with his wife. "Pardon me, ladies and gentlemen, I hope I didn't…."

Roman instantly stood up from where he was, "HOLY SHIT, IT'S KEVIN FUCKING SPACEY!"

Everyone else simply looked at Roman.

"Why is everyone looking at me like that? Huh?"

General Ironwood, who was sitting right next to him, leaned over and whispered into his ear, "Uh, Mr. Torchwick? That's the United States President."

"But he's Kevin fucking Spacey! You guys think I'm crazy or something? I mean, come on! Just look at him!"

Winter stood up and bowed, "President Underwood, I do apologize if some of our subordinates may have treated with you with disrespect."

The President of the United States then began to circle around the table. "Now, there's no need to apologize. Please, call me Frank. I understand that this startup company is still in its infancy, so it's understandable if there's still a few kinks to work out. Now if I've been informed correctly, you're Miss Valkyrie's Treasurer, Winter Schnee. A pleasure to meet you." President Underwood reached out his hand.

Winter received the gesture. "Likewise, Frank." Roman couldn't help but notice that the President's wife seemed rather indifferent to these signs of affection. If Neo had seen him doing something like that, she'd tear him to shreds, and then have rough, angry sex with him afterward. Living the life of a smooth criminal wasn't always easy.

The President turned to face Nora Valkyrie, "Now, let's get straight to business. As I understand this arrangement, if I join this organization of yours, you mumbo jumbos will somehow help with the state of affairs at home, and all I have to do is lend a few U.S. troops to help you chase whoever this "Weiss Schnee" person is."

"Yup," said Nora, "and on top of that, we'll let you set up U.S bases here in Vale, and you get free pancakes!"

"Well, I'm not much of a pancake man myself, but this sounds like too good of a deal to be true."

General Ironwood stood up, "We can discuss the specifics of your enrollment later, but for now, consider yourself a member of the club, President Underwood."

The president stepped forward to shake hands with Nora, Ironwood, Winter, and the sloth animatronic. For a moment, Roman almost creamed himself when he saw the Kevin Spacey lookalike glance in his general direction. _Oh god, he noticed me!_

As the president, his wife, and the company's top dogs began to make their way out of the room, the president briefly turned around to face the others, "You guys look like you haven't had anything good in weeks. How about I treat y'all for some fresh barbecue ribs tonight after this meeting is over?"

Roman heard The Monarch's loud moan right next to him. "Oh my god, yes!"

"Finally!" shouted Trixie.

"Oh, Mr. President, you're a lifesaver!" said Stewie.

"What's got you guys worked up all of a sudden?" asked Azula, her arms crossed. Now that Nora and the rest of the crew was out of the room, Roman got up and reclined in his seat, resting his feet on the table. _Dear lord, how long have I been sitting here? Well, looks like we'll be getting a break from those shitty pancakes._

* * *

"Man I am stuffed! I haven't had such good stuff in ages!" said The Monarch as the two of them were making their way back to Nora's headquarters.

"Yeah," replied Roman. "Speaking of which, why are you following me?"

"You're still a newbie around here, especially since you made that gaffe back in the meeting room."

"How was I supposed to know that Kevin Spacey was the goddamn President of the United States?"

"Please, Frank Underwood has been the U.S. President for the past year. Have you been living under a rock this whole time? And who's this Kevin Spacey guy?"

"He's… he's like a famous celebrity or something, I don't know!" _How could anyone not know who he was? Unbelievable!_

"Anyway, I just wanted to keep an eye on you. You kinda just snuck out of the place without telling anyone."

"I have my reasons." He'd rather not stay out in the open if he could help it, otherwise his psycho ex-girlfriend would find him sooner or later. Plus, Nora was doing troop assignments this evening, so this would be a good opportunity to meet with his new underlings. "So, what do you think she's gonna have us do next?"

The Monarch simply shrugged. "Who knows? I can't do shit now that most of my minions are dead. So, I'm just going to have to go on a recruitment drive tomorrow. Wanna come?"

"Eh, maybe, lets see how things play out." Roman didn't really care all that much for Nora's grudge against the former Schnee heiress, but he'd have to play along for the time being. Maybe he could make up some excuse to start going on Dust robberies.

"Alright, we're here. I'm gonna go into the cocoon and take care of some personal business before Nora realizes I'm missing. Remember what I told you earlier!"

"Got it. See you later." Honestly, Roman couldn't remember a thing The Monarch had said, especially since he liked to ramble on without any end in sight.

After passing by the receptionist - Barney was his name - Roman immediately caught eye of Cardin Winchester holding up a large white placard with his own name on it.

Of course, that wasn't the only thing he saw.

"Well, fancy meeting you here."

"Emerald?" Roman said in shock. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be with Cinder and Mercury?"

"I don't really get along with religious nut-jobs." Torchwick had heard something about Cinder adopting some obscure, cult-like faith, and Mercury had become another one of those Shrek-obsessed fanatics. It was strange that he hadn't got caught up in whatever insanity was plaguing this city, aside from entering this ramshackle business venture.

"Hey Torchwick, what's up?" Cardin raised a fist.

"Just came back from dinner with the big boys," said Roman as he stepped forward to return the gesture.

As the dashing criminal turned to examine the rest of the team, Emerald simply gave him a disapproving look. _I'd be jealous too if I knew someone else was having the world's finest barbecue ribs without telling me._ To his surprise, the woman he saw right before his first meeting was with them. One of Junior's former goons was also with them as well.

"So, it looks like you're one of the big-shots," remarked Cardin.

Roman nodded, and then turned to the two newcomers, "So, who might you two be?"

"I'm Salt Peters," said the sunglasses-wearing goon.

The silver-haired woman knelt onto the floor, making an elaborate hand gesture.

"Okay?" Roman wasn't sure what to make of this.

"Jericho of the Holy Knights, at your service." Roman simply stood there for a few seconds in silence.

 _Well, this will certainly make for an interesting bedroom situation._

As Roman watched the woman stood back up, Emerald cut into his vision, handing him a thick pamphlet, "Oh yeah, the HR person told me to give this to you."

"Well, what do we have here?" He began to unfold the thick pamphlet, which mostly detailed company regulations and gave general advice on how to manage minions.

"So, big man," interrupted Cardin, "what now?"

"Hold on just a second, kiddo. Let me just read through this."

"I'm twenty-three."

While reading through the pamphlet, he saw Jericho walk over to the receptionist's desk and attempt to strangle Barney before a group of guards apprehended her. He could barely make out the costumed man's terrified screams. _Man, what a bunch of weirdos._

Most of the pamphlet was simply useless bullcrap, but one passage in particular stood out to him. _"Roman Torchwick cannot have sexual relations with any other employees or anyone outside of the company."_

"Oh come on! What the hell?" As the dashing criminal said this out loud, Emerald began giggling to herself. Everyone else simply gave him confused looks.

 _Jesus, these people must have it out for me or something._

* * *

" _My Lord, I shall have you know that the device is nearing completion."_

" _Yes, with the technological advances brought to us by German science, we have been able to replicate the Holy Grail's magic to German perfection!"_

" _Excellent! My faith in you two has not been misplaced."_

" _Indeed, it has been my pleasure to serve you as well."_

" _You have proven yourself well, priest, and that is why I shall have you act as neutral arbitrator in the upcoming Holy Grail War."_

" _But, Lord Far… I mean, Lord Disney."_

 _"What is it, my dear Donald?"_

 _"But… is it really possible to have two Holy Grail Wars at the same time?"_

 _"Of course it is, you incompetent fool!"_

 _"You must never underestimate the power of German Science!"_

 _"Indeed. Now, Kirei, you must play the role I have set out for you."_

 _"Yes, Lord Disney."_

" _Soon, our plans will come to fruition. The sum of our endless labors will not have been for naught, for now comes the dawn of a new age! Now, let us commence the first of the Disney Grail Wars!"_


	8. King Arthur and the Ginger Kid

**A/N: Hai peoples! I'd like to thank everyone again for the reviews/subscriptions for this story! I don't know how many people read the last chapter of the story because the stats were down, but thank y'all again for keeping up with this. Another big fight scene is coming up, so stay tuned.**

* * *

I was sitting by the window reading over the daily newspaper. Apparently the President of the United States had come to give General Ironwood a visit, but deep down I knew something was up. I heard President Underwood was having a bit of a raccoon problem back at home, so it was likely he came here so he could suck up to our vampire friend.

In the meantime, Weiss had been training with Master Yi, trying to hone her skills with her sacred ancestral sword. Ruby had run off to work on something with Chuckie, while Blondie had gone out for a ride out in the wilderness. Muhammad Avdol had been sitting at the other end of the training room, meditating to himself with his crystal ball and tarot cards laid in front. His arm was still broken from the fight yesterday, but he was holding up pretty well.

"Now, my worthy student, to attain mastery of the Wuju style, you must learn to trust your inner senses."

"Shut up, you dolt! How the fuck am I supposed to fight if I can't see anything?" The heiress tried looking around the room for her opponent, but she could not see with the blindfold covering her eyes.

Master Yi zipped round past our crack-addicted Weiss, his motions a blur like the time when Captain Jack Sparrow had Shrek's Donkey Kong shoved up his rear end. Weiss tried listening for Master Yi's moans and movements, but the heroin shot up her veins didn't make things easier. Soon, the blunted end of the Wuju master's blade struck into the girl's backside.

"Hey you, Gasai, come here for a second."

I got up from my seat and stepped across the mat-laden floor. Sun Wukong was peeking out through the blinds of one of the nearby fourth-story windows. I couldn't quite tell what he was looking at, so I tried asking him directly.

"Here, come take a look at this." Monkey-boy handed me a pair of binoculars, but little did he know, I had perfect twenty-twenty vision. Not everyone can be as perfect as me, especially someone who isn't a certified private detective.

With the binoculars in hand, I peered through the blinds down to the fields below, where I saw two figures making their way across those shit-laden plains. I might not be well versed when it comes to things related to pop culture, but there was no mistaking what I saw. There, right within plain sight, was Saber and Shirou Emiya, and not the one disguised as Archer either.

Once I was done using the binoculars, Sun gestured to the door, sandwiched between a row of ballet mirrors. "I'm gonna go see what they want. You wanna come with?"

I nodded. Depending on what business those two were after, it would be best if I stayed with Monkey-boy for the time being. There was no telling if they would be our best allies or if shit would hit the fan, causing them to morph into ninja turtles who liked to steal carrots from Bugs Bunny every morning.

I really need to get a gun one of these days.

Muhammad Avdol and Master Yi waved us on our way as we passed through the door, though Weiss didn't seem to notice, seeing as she was still wearing a blindfold.

We walked down the blue carpeted, fourth-story hall until we reached the elevators.

During our descent, Sun had muttered something aloud, "Uh, sorry if I might have been a bit rough the other day. It's just, no one has really ever tried to break into the dojo, so… you know. We cool?"

Don't get your hopes up kid. For me, this is just business as usual, so don't think I'm doing you any favors. I am Batman after all. Besides, you were just doing your job.

I took my lollipop out of my mouth and flicked some of the ash off the end while releasing a puff of apple-scented smoke. The thing about lollipops is that they have a nicotine-flavored core right at the center, even though the wrappers say they have chocolate on them. That's how they get away with selling this stuff to kids, so now you can actually have all the benefits of smoking without having to actually smoke. You still get cancer though.

Once outside, we took a lift down to the base of the mountain, and then took a hike across the dandelion fields. It took us only ten minutes until we were face-to-face with Shirou Emiya himself.

Holding one hand across his chest, the man bowed before us, "A pleasure to meet you, gentlemen. My female companion and I seem to be lost. Would either of you be willing to lend us a helping hand?" I couldn't say what, but something about the way he spoke didn't sit quite right with me. There was something… familiar about him.

Maybe we should see what the others have to say before trusting these two.

Monkey-boy had his arms wrapped around behind his head. "Sure thing. Where are you trying to go?"

Saber turned to her companion, expecting him to answer for her. She didn't seem like she was mute or anything, so I couldn't see why she didn't speak for herself.

"Ahem," coughed Shirou, "we have heard that Weiss and her gang of rogues had passed through the area, and we were hoping to deliver some information that might help her in her fight against Nora's goons. Do either of you know which way she went?"

"She might be around," said Sun. "So what's this big secret?"

I could've mentioned that I was part of the heiress's party, but I figured that Monkey-boy might be onto something.

In any case, Saber stepped in front of her master, raising her invisible sword so that she could cleave us in two if necessary.

The ginger-haired boy pulled out a pair of cigarettes from his pockets, prompting Saber to light them with that magical sword of hers. "Isn't it obvious? We're right in the middle of a Holy Grail War."

"And?" said Sun, his arms crossed.

"If we don't act soon, Nora and her army of supervillains is going to acquire all the servants for themselves, and if that happens, every single one of us is going to be eating pancakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner, whether we like it or not."

Saber nodded at her master's remark. "We must do everything to stop Nora in her tracks. That is why we wish to aid you in your quest." The blonde woman knelt down in place, her long blue dress now scrunching on the grass below. "Will you two grant us this honor?"

I didn't really mind the prospect of being force-fed pancakes for the rest of my life, because pancakes were fucking delicious. Not to mention, the amount of free pancakes circling around would help feed starving African children and mutant albino walruses all over the world. But still, I could see how eating so many chocolate pancakes could ruin anyone's appetite.

But either way, Monkey-boy spoke up before I had a chance to say anything. "Alright, you two are coming with us. If you try any funny shit, I won't hesitate to go all apeshit on you, got it?"

"You have my word," said Shirou, "but we should hurry. You never know when Nora's spies might be watching."

The four of us began walking back to the dojo, but I stayed a few paces behind the rest of the group so I could keep an eye on the newcomers. As we walked, Shirou Emiya started going on about how he met Saber while attending a _Looney Toons_ fan convention. Every night after they got married, Shirou would have sex with his blonde waifu after a one-hour session of jerking off to some gay midget badger porn starring Dr. Mundo. Something about this made Saber blush, as she was probably wasn't used to having her boyfriend share all of their personal fetishes. As we got back to the burnt bridge, the boy started going on about his various sexual conquests.

It reminded me of my old partner in crime. I wanted to have rough sex with him right then and there. I wanted sex so goddamn bad that I would've sodomized a rabbit and then made a dozen butter-cream cupcakes out of its fluffy tail. But, unfortunately for me, there weren't any rabbits out today. That was because Weiss had gone out and hunted them all last night so she could grind their bones into crack. They say that crack is one helluva magical drug; that's because that kind of dough is made out of pure, uncut rabbit's foot. You can't get any finer shit than that.

Sometime after we started hiking up the long trail, Saber backed away from the two boys and turned to face me. "I like the way you do your hair. I've never seen anyone else do it like that."

I don't take compliments from strangers like you, bitch. I don't want anyone catching onto the fact I change my appearance everyday, cause then my cover would be blown and people would find out that I'm actually Batman. Why do you think I eat salty potato chips every day?

Oh, and if I ever see you trying to manhandle my partner, I will fucking cut your heart open with a rusty spoon.

I don't think she heard me, even though she was supposed to be King Arthur. "You don't really talk much do you?"

Easy for you to say. Maybe you just need to get your ears cleaned out with a rusty screwdriver. I'd be more than willing to do the honors for you, kiddo.

After a few more minutes, we were back up on the paved steps to the dojo. I could hear the faint hum of heavy machinery deep in the mountain. I wouldn't be surprised if this place kept a few extra guns in case the Grrm or Nora's henchmen ever decided to invade the place. It made for a pretty good stronghold.

Shortly after we got back in, Saber ran ahead of the rest of the group, "I'm gonna go ahead and use the stairs."

"You sure?" said Sun. "It's a pretty long way up you know."

"I'll be fine. I don't really mind the exercise."

"Hmph, women," muttered Shirou, taking another puff of his cigarette.

"Hey man, careful with what you say," said Sun as patted the ginger kid on the back. I had to agree with Monkey-boy's advice, considering we had three college-age girls, and Egyptian fortune teller, and Jay Jay the motherfucking jet plane on our team.

The three of us waited around the elevator doors as Saber sprinted for the stairwell at the other end of the hall, right next to the bathroom. After about a minute, we finally had our ride. One of the buttons had a strange, Godzilla-like icon as Sun reached his hand to get us to the right floor. I'd seen it before when we first got here, but I just felt like I should mention it now. I also couldn't help but notice that Shirou had a six-inch Colt Python revolver strapped to his hip. Seems everyone's armed to the teeth these days.

About half a minute went by before we reached the fourth floor. For some strange reason, Saber wasn't there yet. Seeing how slowly these things go, I could've sprinted all the way up the steps and beaten the elevator to the punch, and that's not even taking my semblance into account.

Right as we were about to make our way to the training room, Weiss bolted straight out the door. "Guys! Come quick! Something's up!"

Shirou Emiya instantly spat out his cigarette, "Wait what? What is zis madness?"

As the ginger boy was busy fondling his own ball sacks, Monkey-boy and I sprinted right into the room, tracking our muddy boots right on the cushioned blue mats. The moment I got in, I saw Muhammad Avdol making a phone call to our big man, Chuckie Chan, while Master Yi was peering straight out the window.

After pocketing his phone, Muhammad slammed his fist into the palm of his left hand. "The King is in trouble!" I was going to ask how our friend knew who King Harkinian was, but then I remember us having spoken about him the night before. "Gwonam has informed me that they're being chased by a large aerial fleet. Based on his descriptions, we can only assume that they're being led by Dr. Ivo Robotnik, though we don't know who else is with him. A couple of our friends are already on their way, but we don't know if they'll reach The King in time."

More of Nora's goons, I suppose. There could be no other explanation for why someone would be going out of the way to target The King and his magical genie.

Even though I was only thinking out loud, Muhammad still gave me a thumbs down in disapproval. "Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Eggman is too proud to take up arms with the likes of Miss Valkyrie. It's more likely that he has his own agenda."

"Indeed," muttered Shirou, "I have seen no signs of the fat man in the city." He had a good point. If Nora had recruited Robotnik into her ranks, we'd be seeing his robots all over the city.

"Okay," said Weiss, "now what do we do?"

"Simple," Muhammad replied, "we're going to beat the living pulp out of Eggman's goons!"

Sun instantly jumped like a prancing unicorn. "Aw yeah! We're finally going to get some action!"

The Egyptian Jedi Master pointed his finger at his star pupil. "Not you! You'll be staying behind with Master Yi to protect the dojo."

Master Yi turned around and bowed. "As you wish."

"Fucking shit," muttered Sun.

Muhammad Avdol nodded to his associates. "I'm glad I can count on the two of you. Weiss, Neo, I'll be joining you on this mission. Yang's already on her way back with the jeep, and Ruby's making some finishing touches to our secret weapon."

"What is this secret weapon that you speak of?" asked Shirou.

"Patience, my friend. Patience."

As I glanced over at Shirou, I couldn't help but notice Saber walk right by the entrance and then jump back out of fright. In the brief moment I glimpsed at her, she seemed to be carrying a large retractable broom, probably from one of the janitor closets. I don't really know why on Remnant she would need such an item, but then again I haven't seen the _Fate/stay night_ series, so I guess it must be something she does to maintain her own personal hygiene.

The heroic spirit peered through the doorframe, clinging to the wall beside it. "What's going on?"

"Trouble," said her master. "I need you to stay here and help these two uncouth louts defend this place from any enemy attacks."

"Did he…" muttered Master Yi.

"But…"

Before she could finish her thought, Saber was cut off by her master. "No buts. This mission is too dangerous for a woman like you. Why don't you just run off and make dinner or something?"

Saber only hissed in response, but then shifted her glance aside, "Very well. This place is a cobweb ridden mess anyway. Housekeeping does fall under a woman's duties after all. Grrr…" The servant then turned back around and started sweeping at the floor.

Muhammad turned his attention to Monkey-boy, "Sun, I would like for you to observe what she does. You would do well to learn a thing or two from her."

"This is bullshit." Sun slouched as he made his way out of the room. "Why does everyone else get to go on the super-cool adventures?"

Weiss stomped her heel into the floor, "Ugh, you guys are fucking dolts! Why didn't we just let her join us? She's probably stronger than…"

Shirou replied instantly, "It's because she is a woman, and an insufferable shrew at that."

"Racist." The heiress crossed her arms, avoiding Shirou's gaze.

Muhammad cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "Ahem! I am Muhammad Avdol! All of my decisions are final! I know that Saber possesses great strength, and while I might not agree with Shirou's reasoning, I do think it would be best if we placed her here for the time being. And besides, if the situation gets rough…" The Egyptian man then leapt right behind the ginger kid and lifted his hand up high, revealing red markings on the back of his fist. "…our red-headed friend here can always use one of his command scrolls to summon her onto the battlefield."

"Right…" replied Shirou, "command scrolls. Of course, I was just waiting for the right moment to reveal them for the greatest dramatic effect, and I definitely did not forget that they were there. I'm just an ordinary, hormone-addled teenage boy. Pay no attention to me."

"I still can't believe we let a racist prick on our team."

Just as Weiss was about to throw her cigar on the floor, little Red dashed by the entrance faster than a speeding hedgehog. "Guys, I'm back! What did I miss?"

I don't know what Muhammad Avdol had told her and Chuckie Chan already, but I tried to explain the situation as best as I could.

"Well, except for the part about Shirou and Saber, that's pretty much what the red wizard told me, but thanks anyway, Neo."

"Miss Rose, is it ready?" said the Egyptian.

"Yup, Reptar's up and rarin' to go! Just…"

Right as Red was about to speak, the whole mountain started rumbling underneath, and the hums and clang of heavy machinery resounded throughout every hall and corridor inside the dojo.

"What in God's name is going on here?" asked Shirou. Shortly after he said that, the sounds of machinery stopped. But only a few seconds after, the ground shook, sending us all tumbling to the floor. Every few seconds after that, the ground would shake again, as if a mile-high heffalump was striding its away across the vast plains that lay beyond.

During those first few falls, Master Yi struggled his way across the room, until he could finally stabilize himself and peer out through the windows. "She's here!"

"Alright," said Muhammad as he tried crouching back up, "Neo, Weiss, Ruby, Yang is waiting for you at the bottom. Shirou and I will catch up to you two later. Go now!"

"Roger!" said Ruby, still inexplicably standing up in the midst of all this madness. As soon as Weiss and I were able to regain our footing, the three of us began making our way to the stairway, passing Monkey-boy and Saber on the way there.

It was going to be a long day ahead of us.


	9. The Battle of Stirling Fields

We didn't encounter many hostilities on the way to Gwonam's location, but I wouldn't exactly call it smooth sailing.

For every step Chuckie took in his Reptar mecha, the ground would shake and throw our jeep into the air, forcing Yang to make a swift turn to get us back on the road. Ruby sat in the front seat next to her big sis, and Weiss and I were hanging out in the back, ready to spring out as soon as trouble came knocking. Blondie was smart enough to stock the van with weapons in case we encountered any heavy resistance on the way, but so far they haven't been necessary. Muhammad Avdol was driving on ahead of us in his sleek red corvette alongside Shirou.

Our Egyptian friend gave us a call as soon as we got close. I took that as a signal to make my final inspections on my new M4 carbine, but then I looked up at the skies.

We were going to need bigger guns.

High up in the sky, behind Gwonam and his magic carpet, was an earlier version of the Egg Carrier with its transformable wings outstretched. A pair of Apache attack helicopters trailed along behind it, followed by eight Predator drones. I couldn't say for sure whether Eggman was on that ship, but if he was really leading the fleet, he would've used one of his later models instead of the ship from _Sanic Adventure 2: The Shrekpire Strikes Back_.

 _ **-POOMF!-POOMF!-POOMF!-**_

Yang immediately swerved left to avoid the incoming flak raining from above, causing Weiss to slam right into me.

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE DRIVING YOU DOLT!"

I quickly raised the windows back up so the upturned dirt wouldn't get into the van and jam our weapons.

Up ahead, Shirou pulled out a Type 91 surface-to-air missile and aimed it up at the Egg Carrier. I heard that the boy received his training from his dad, who was once a member of the Philippine Marine Corps. Seeing as he got his training from his old man, I wouldn't be surprised if he hit his mark, even if Eggman's ships were a thousand miles up in the air.

 _ **-PSHOOO!-**_

The missile swam low to the ground before snaking up high into the bright blue sky, leaving a smoky white trail in its wake.

 _ **-KABOOM!-**_

In the blink of an eye, the missile slammed straight into one of the Apaches, smoldering it in an explosion ten meters wide. At around the same time, a glow came from the Egg Carrier's main guns.

"THEY'RE RETURNING FIRE! EVASIVE ACTION!" Muhammad's scream rang throughout the interior of the jeep as it came out of the walkie talkie in Yang's right hand.

"On it!" Blondie replied. This time, the jeep swerved right, sending me right on top of Weiss. I could've sworn some of Weiss's shit got on my perfectly good trenchcoat, but I had no time to think about that now. We were in the middle of a warzone.

Our heavy Godzilla-sized robot jumped off to the left, but in this case, Chuckie wasn't so lucky. As the cannon fire uprooted some of the soil behind us, some of the ordinance shot Reptar's right arm right off. Not that mecha Reptar was doing us much good in this situation anyway, considering it wasn't equipped for long range combat.

"Dust Dammit!" said Weiss. "How are we supposed to fight that thing?"

"Bring it close, and then beat it 'till it's dead," explained Yang. "Though, actually getting it close to the ground, well, that's kinda the tricky part." While Blondie was speaking, the little speck that was Gwonam's magic carpet swerved around and then dove under the belly of the Egg Carrier, where the main guns couldn't reach them.

"Wait, I have an idea!" shouted Ruby. Little Red then took the black-box walkie-talkie from her sister's hands and then spoke into it. "Chuckie, use the secret weapon on the enemy ship!"

"You got it, Miss Ruby!"

During this brief little interlude, Gwonam had spun around to intercept the drones. I could vaguely hear his Mujahideen war cries ringing through the skies as he cleaved each of those drones right in half with his grease-laden scimitar. A few turrets spawned from the sides of Eggman's ship to blast the magic carpet out of the sky, but The King gunned each and every one of them down with his AK-74 assault rifle.

Once the situation had quieted down, Yang turned to her sister, "So, Rubes, what's this secret weapon of yours?"

"You'll see!"

As the jeep began climbing the rocky hill nearby, two claw-like extensions sprung out from robo-Reptar's feet, and its head sank down into its body. The rest of the machine then twisted, shifted, and turned until its whole body was level like a plank, from neck to tail. After the head had relocated itself on top of the robot's back, a long nozzle shot out in the neck's place, and a reddish light began emanating from the power cores lodged deep inside.

I knew exactly where this was going.

Little Red stood up in her seat, poked her upper body out of the roof of the vehicle, and pointed her arm straight at the flying battleship. "SUPER-AWESOME MECHA-REPTAR LASER CANNON, ACTIVATE!"

When the ion-plasma beam shout out of Reptar's mech and cut through the Egg Carrier's wing, the skies of Remnant turned red that day.

* * *

" _Lord Paramount! The starboard wing is out of commission!"_

" _I didn't pay ten billion dragons for a ship that would falter under the blast of a single laser cannon! Increase the ship's altitude and fire the main gun!"_

" _Yes sir!"_

" _Lord Stannis?"_

" _What is it, witch?"_

" _I… know these petty foes that beseech us."_

" _I have these fool within the grasp of my iron fists. What counsel could you possibly give me?"_

" _I am aware that such foes are nothing more than insignificant ants to you, chosen one, but I would fear more for your pocketbooks if I were you."_

" _What would you ask of me, Cinder?"_

" _Take the fight to them, and by the light of R'hllor, you shall emerge victorious."_

" _Prepare the Bullhead."_

* * *

You know that big-ass red beak thing that sticks out on the front of Eggman's ship?

Well, it started opening up. And now there was a whole lot of bright energy particles gathering up towards the space in the center.

"Chuckie! Get out of the way!" Ruby shouted through the black box. But it was no use.

Although the giant robot standing a few hundred feet away from us began shifting out of its siege position almost immediately, the flying fortress in the sky had gathered up too much static electricity from rubbing its ass against a zillion children's beanie babies.

 _ **-PSHOOOO!-**_

I had to look away from the laser blast. Even with cool shades like mine, the amount of unreleased sexual energy in that big nasty blue meanie was enough to cook our eyes into frozen sundaes if we looked at it too long. When it was over, the blast had taken a good chunk out of Reptar's rear end, and Chuckie was left crying for his momma, only he ain't got no momma.

The Egg Carrier began pulling back up into the sky, and I saw one of those black Bullhead ships emerge from up top.

Blondie took the communicator from her little sis, "Say, you think you can see who's on that ship?"

"Hold on a second," said Muhammad Avdol," let me just take a look." As our Egyptian friend was saying this, I picked up one of the binoculars from the floor and poked my head out the window.

I couldn't believe what I just saw.

Standing right beside Mermaid Man and Stannis Baratheon was our old boss, Cinder Fall.

She didn't look quite the same as when we had all been in the force. For starters, she was wearing this long red cloak that went all the way down to the ground. From the look in her eyes, she looked like she had seen it all.

But it's just like they say, there can only be one private detective in this here city.

I heard Muhammad cry out his signature move as he hurled another one of his invisible fireballs at the flying transport, but King Stannis instantly drew out his ancestral sword, Lightbringer, and blocked the attack completely.

Did I mention that his sword was on fire?

"Well," said Yang, "looks like it's time to bring on the heat."

"You said it, motherfucker," Muhammad replied through the communicator.

"They're closing in, get out!"

Right on Ruby's cue, the four of us jumped out of the jeep just as Cinder shot a stream of fire right at us, causing it explode with more force than Weiss's rear end after eating a dozen chili macs on a Sunday afternoon. As the four of us readied our weapons, the Bullhead flew on by overhead, and Cinder was showering us with her almighty balls of fury. Up on ahead, Muhammad had also stopped his corvette so he could get a good look at Stannis's hairy chest.

Far up overhead, The King and Gwonam began to swoop down to lend us some aid, but the last remaining Apache warrior gave chase, seeing that it wanted to get a good whiff of some of Gwonam's hairy Arabian ass.

Of course by this time, Shirou had loaded another rocket into his missile launcher.

 _ **-PSHOOO!-**_

The poor attack helicopter didn't even get a chance to remove itself from the premises, as it died in a fiery explosion.

"Thank you, friend!" shouted the magical genie.

"All in a days work," Shirou replied.

"Enough of this tomfoolery!" Stannis called out from atop his platform. "I did not come all this way to have the Iron Throne taken from me by some common thief!"

"You doth speak too much, Lord Stannis!" As he pointed his finger at his rival king, King Harkinian jumped off the magic carpet as Gwonam drove it close to the ground. "You are not fit to sit on the Iron Throne and lead the four kingdoms of Remnant."

"These men do not see it fit to bend the knee. So be it! Cinder, Mermaid Man, eliminate these fools!"

Before Stannis's underlings could accept the call, Gwonam raised his sword up high. "SQUADALAH MOTHERFUCKERS! AYAYAYAYAYA!"

As Cinder fired a shot at the magical genie, Mermaid Man raised his hands up high, his black cloak billowing in the wind, "Oh great Lord Shrek, give us all the courage to slay these heathen fools who have been corrupted by the foul taints of Lord Farquaad and his minions. Give us the strength and righteous cause to rid the world of their ULTIMATE EEEEEVIIIIIL!"

I didn't quite know what Mermaid Man was doing, but I could see the sky getting dark and cloudy like it was going to rain or snow on Christmas morning. Now that I think about it, it looks like our old man has made quite a bit of dough since I've last seen him, cause I don't remember him wearing that white suit before.

It reminded me of the one my partner wore. He would be one cool, swag motherfucker, if he wasn't having his way with every goddamn woman in town but me!

No need to get antsy. This is just another night on the job. I don't need no one else, cause I'm Batman.

Either way, Ruby, Muhammad, Weiss and I were giving that Bullhead a bucketful of lead, but it didn't seem to be doing any good, especially since Cinder kept throwing off our aim.

Most of us were simply able to dodge her attacks, seeing as she was so high up in the sky, but Shirou wasn't so lucky. "Hmm… It appears that I am on fire." I could tell that he was in a lot of pain, especially since it looked like the flames were burning through his pants and underwear.

After Gwonam was done with his war cry, he brought his scimitar in close and drove his carpet straight at Mermaid Man, seeing as he was the weakest of the three.

"You think you can challenge me? Fool! Your terrorist fury cannot best the full power of my own DESIRE!" As Mermaid Man reached his hands for Gwonam's Arabian sword, his head grew two inches wider, and his dark, black pupils grew three sizes that day. But, contrary to the man's expectations, Gwonam elbowed right into the senior citizen's fat chest, ruining his perfectly good white suit.

Weiss watched as the two of them went flying far from Stannis Baratheon's birdie of hardened steel. "Was that supposed to be referencing something?"

"Dunno," said Yang, keeping an eye on Cinder's movements. "I don't understand half the crap that's going on in this world."

"Don't be silly guys. Everything makes perfect sense if you've seen _Spongebob Squarepants_ and _The Venture Brothers_ and _Fate/stay night_ and _Jojo_ _'s Bizarre Adventure_ and _Game of Thrones_ and _Zelda_ and _Sanic_ and _Avatar_ and _Death Note_ and _Future Diary_ and _Umi_ _…_ "

"Shut up!" Weiss shouted, "Everyone knows that you're a stupid fucking Weeaboo, dummy!"

I wanted to say something about how we should be standing around like a bunch of sitting ducks waiting for talking alligators to turn us into duck soup, but Muhammad beat me to the catch. I had to cover my ears to keep out the shrill tenor of the Egyptian's whistle.

"This isn't the time for chit-chat, ladies!"

Little Red gave Muhammad the thumbs up. "Got it big man! Weiss, you know what to do!"

As the heiress prepared another one of her glyphs, I began somersaulting over to Cinder's position, hoping I could distract her with my crazy dance skills.

"How pleasant of us to meet again, Neopolitan. Have you come to embrace the light of R'hllor and join our cause against the encroaching darkness?"

Sorry lady, I don't work with religious fanatics.

Right on cue, I pulled out my M4 Carbine and tried shooting that smug grin off Cinder's face. Of course, she just brought up one of her magical shields to block the attack. Typical.

"Yang, grab onto my Big Dick!"

"You got it, little sis!"

Just as Weiss made another one of her fast glyphs, Blondie started pulling on Ruby's long shaft. After Yang had massaged it for a couple of seconds, all of the gunk stored inside of little Red's Big Dick splattered onto Yang's face and chest, which she promptly licked off. It was surprising the blade hadn't cut through her hands when the two of them jolted forward, though Ruby's big sis was pretty strong, especially with her Asura-like stand.

While this was happening, Muhammad was circling around behind Cinder to get into a flanking position with his attacks, "Have a taste of this, red witch!" Using his stand, Muhammad Avdol lobbed a pair of invisible flames at Cinder before turning his attention to Stannis Baratheon, whose transport had now landed on the ground. However, Cinder simply ducked out of the way before the attack could hit, because she was a ninja.

Somewhere in the distance, I could hear the cries of a dragon, but then again this is Grrm territory, so you're bound to find many things in these lands.

"Alright, go Yang!" While her older sister was still hanging onto her scythe, Ruby spun it forward, launching Yang right at my old boss.

" _ **ASURA'S WRATH! FIST OF A THOUSAND NOSE HAIRS!"**_

"Oh fu…"

Before my old boss could do anything, she was hit with the full force of thousands of invisible punches from the six-armed invisible stand floating right behind Yang, each one hitting as hard as a speeding Japanese bullet train. Not even someone like Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris or Albert Einstein could take the full blow of that many critical hits.

"Well, that was surprisingly easy," remarked Yang.

"I guess," shrugged Weiss. "I didn't really expect her to go down that quickly."

"Alright," said Ruby, now turning to face Stannis, "now it's time to take the fight to…"

"GAAAAH!"

When I turned to see what was going on, Muhammad's head was already halfway to the finish line. Stannis's Lightbringer had left a clean, crisp sear right at the base of our leader's neck. Suffice to say, I didn't really expect the Lord of Dragonstone to kill our best _Yu-Gi-Oh!_ player in less than one turn.

"H-H-HOLY SHIT!" shouted the heiress.

"No… But… Mister wizard-man! He was our beloved sensei and we were supposed to go trick-or-treating together! W-why?" Ruby collapsed onto her knees, dropping her precious scythe. Tears began to well up in her eyes, and Yang walked over to comfort her.

King Stannis planted his sword into the ground. "The Iron Throne is mine by right. Give up your foolish endeavor at once and hand over that false pretender!"

Personally, I was starting to get the feeling that we were in way over our heads, but unfortunately I didn't call the shots around here. Over on the other side of the Bullhead, Gwonam and Mermaid Man were still having a wrestling match in the mud, and it was starting to rain. Sure, we outnumbered Stannis at least six-to-one, but if this fighting continued any longer, another one of us was going to kick the bucket.

But then again, we still had Yang.

After about a minute of rustling Ruby's reddish-black hair, Blondie stood back up and began walking towards King Stannis Baratheon. She had all the grace of a professional basketball player striding down the streets of Harlem City where everyone engages in street battles where they display their hard, erect weenie-dogs on public Internet chatrooms.

"You… you killed our friend!" I only saw Blondie's face for a moment, but in that instant her eyes were glowing red as the streams of manly tears were trickling down her face. For the first time in forever, Yang looked like she was serious.

"What was that man to you?" said Stannis, waving his free left hand off to the side. "Another mere acquaintance to accompany you on your journey?"

"SHUT UP!"

 _ **-BOOM!-**_

With a single click of the trigger, Yang shot herself forward and began to wind her fist back. "I WILL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS!"

Weiss suddenly stood to attention and started rushing toward her teammate, "YANG, WATCH OUT!"

" _ **ASURA'S WRATH! FIST OF A…"**_

" _ **FUS-RO-DAH!"**_

Before Blondie could understand what was happening, she was sent hurling back by a wave of unrelenting force originating from Stannis.

"Y-YANG!" Ruby jumped out of her own misery and ran to her sister, who was now lying on the ground, unable to move.

"No…" muttered King Harkinian, "it can't be true! The legends said they were all dead!"

But of course, the truth was right there in front of us.

"Mermaid Man!" Stannis commanded. "My helm!"

At that moment, Mermaid Man threw Gwonam to the side as a surge of sudden strength welled up inside him. "As you command, my liege!"

Stannis Baratheon conjured up a second blade in his left hand as Mermaid Man retrieved his two-horned helmet from the transport and placed it on his widow-peaked head.

As this was happening, Ruby looked at us from beside her older sis, "We… we gotta do something!"

But it was no use. Those of us who were still standing could only watch as King Stannis and his loyal sidekick got ready for battle. Maybe we could've caught him unawares, but quite frankly most of us were too scared shitless to try anything of the sort. Hell, even Shirou Emiya had run off like a spineless maggot, and he was supposed to be the bravest among us.

Now, you might be wondering why someone like me would be crapping their panties right now, but of course there was more to this fairy tale than that.

You see, back in the times of the ancient Indian chiefs, Remnant was ruled by killer space clowns, whose reign went unopposed for thousands of years. But even so, there was one man they feared.

They called him _Dovahkiin, Dragonborn._


	10. Enter the Dragonborn

"We have to get out of here!" shouted The King.

"But… what about…" Ruby began.

"No time! Quick, I'll provide covering fire!"

King Harkinian once again pulled out his AK-74 and started shooting at the _Dovahkiin_ , but with a quick flick of the wrist, Stannis threw the conjured blade out of his hand. His entire body shimmered with light as the bullets deflected off his master-chef level ward. Luckily, I was quick to deflect the blade out of the air before it could strike The King right in his noggin.

"Wait!" Little Red stood up. "Let me help too!" With the swift pull of a lever, Ruby transformed her Big Dick into quickscope mode, and then aimed it right at Stannis Baratheon.

 _ **-BOOM!-BOOM!-BOOM!-**_

Of course, even with their combined firepower, neither King Harkinian nor Ruby could break through Stannis's ward.

"Weiss, see if you can get a hold of Chuckie! Neo, find Shirou and tell him to get a hold of Saber! Maybe she can help us defeat Stannis!"

No need to tell me twice. In the blink of an eye, I was off, trying to get to higher ground to see if I could find Saber's master. I looked back on the battle from time to time. I just hope those two could hold off Stannis for long enough. Ruby's got her speed, but I can't say the same for his royal majesty.

Of course, things didn't go according to plan.

Within seconds, Mermaid Man was back on our trail. "Where do you two whippersnappers think you're going? You cannot escape from me that easily, because I have the power of MONEY on my side! So why…"

In that moment, Gwonam got onto Mermaid Man's back and tried jabbing his blade at his throat. "You think you can get away from me, motherfucker? YOU WILL PAY FOR RUINING MY K/D RATIO! PREPARE TO DIE, MOTHERFUCKER! AYAYAYAYAYAYA!" Mermaid Man tried getting Gwonam off his back, but the genie's weight was too much for him to handle.

Well, that was one problem solved. Now it was time to get back to business…

 _ **-SCREEEEEEE!-**_

Well shit. Look who decided to show up. It was one of those dragons from Skyrim, though I don't really know what it was doing all the way out here. Maybe it was attracted to Stannis's old socks.

It wasn't anything that I couldn't handle.

Just as the dragon landed right on the ground, I somersaulted back down the hill, the dragon's flame passing overhead.

Luckily, Shirou had forgotten to take his rocket launcher with him, so I figured I could use it for just the occasion. My umbrella could probably penetrate through the dragon's thick scales, but I didn't want to take any chances here.

Those flames could ruin my perfectly good trenchcoat.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Weiss begin to mount the side of robo-Reptar, trying to find an opening hatch. The fight against Stannis was going too fast for me to catch everything that was going on, so all I could get was a speed-dash here, gunfire there, and the occasional "Wuld-Nah-Kest" and "Zun-Haal-Viik" every once in a while. Sometime in the middle of the fight, I saw Ruby move Yang out of the immediate vicinity so she wouldn't get caught in the crossfire.

I rolled over on the ground and caught the missile launcher in my arms. On the other hand, the dragon was still clawing its way toward me, so I couldn't get enough distance for the rocket to be effective without blowing up in my face.

I was going to need a distraction of some sort.

I tried having a look at my surroundings once more. I could probably get some high ground if I got on top of Reptar, but that would put Chuckie and Weiss at risk, and we couldn't have any of that. Weiss was the main character, and Chuckie was one of the greatest Kung Fu masters of all time.

Ruby and King Harkinian didn't look like they'd be of help anytime soon. The King had taken a piggy-back ride on Ruby's back, and Ruby was doing her damn hardest to keep her distance from the _Dovahkiin_ so he couldn't combo her to death with his move that increases attack speed or the one that slows down time.

Well, it looks like I'll have to make a run for it.

I continued backflipping through the air like a professional gymnast, trying to stay away from the fight between Ruby and Stannis so it couldn't pull any surprise attacks. The dragon still managed to keep pace with me, despite being fatter than Dr. Eggman. Maybe I should start trying to walk like a normal person instead of investing all my energy into unnecessary theatrics.

 _ **-PLUNK!-PSHOO!-PSHOO!-**_

This must be my lucky day. In the blink of an eye, a pair of homing missiles shot out of Reptar's chest and flew straight toward the dragon's backside. They didn't do much damage when they hit, but they still got the dragon to turn around just long enough for me to make my signature move.

Taking a few steps back, I lifted the Type-91 and aimed it at the dragon's chest.

Here goes nothing.

 _ **-PSHOO!-POW!-**_

Critical hit.

The dragon was now shrieking with pain, as now there was a huge gaping hole in the middle of its chest. It didn't last very long, and after only a few seconds, it just collapsed on the ground. Its scales started shimmering with the brightest goddamn light that I've ever seen, and a wave of piss-colored energy washed over me.

If you thought that somehow I would be able to absorb that dragon's soul as the rest of its body turned to dust and bone, well, you're in for a bit of a disappointment. All that energy went straight to Stannis's sword, though since he gotten all the chaos emeralds in _Bomberman 64: The Shrekond Attack_ , it wouldn't do much good at this point.

When I turned back to the main fight, Ruby and Stannis were still at a standstill, mostly because little Red was still running away from all of Stannis's attacks with the help of her semblance.

"Let me ask you this once again, young maiden, hand over that man this instant!" demanded the Lord of Dragonstone and Skyrim.

"Nope, make me!"

"If you insist with this foolishness." Keeping his sword trained on Ruby and her Big Dick, Stannis suddenly rushed at Gwonam and Mermaid Man, so he could take the magical genie unawares. _**"Wuld-Nah-Kest!"**_

Yet right before Stannis could slice the man's head off with a quick swing from Lightbringer, Gwonam instantly grabbed a hold of Mermaid Man, swung him around in front, and wrapped his arm around his fat neck, using him as a human shield. "FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!" Gwonam swiftly wrapped his open hand around his hostage's fat belly and drew out a fully-loaded, sawed-off shotgun from under his black cloak.

 _ **-BOOM!-BOOM!-BOOM!-**_

"You do not have the skills to take down a pro-as-heck master of the Wuju style! My level of swag exceeds the bushels upon bushels of weed smoked by Snoop Dog on a daily basis! Now DIIIEEE!"

 _ **-BOOM!-BOOM!-BOOM!-**_

"Gee whiz boy," remarked Mermaid Man, "I didn't even know I had that thing!"

None of Gwonam's firepower had any effect on Stannis, seeing how often he kept bringing up his ward. He hadn't even needed to drink any potions yet, and the fight was just beginning. Now seemed like a good time to intervene, but I didn't want to take any chances, seeing how easily he outplayed our psychic Tarot card reader.

While Gwonam was reloading his gun, Stannis brought his free hand out.

 _ **-KABOOM!-**_

A streak of lighting burst forth, bypassing Mermaid Man and striking Gwonam directly, but the old wise magician still looked like he had some juice in him.

"Please," pleaded Mermaid Man, "I do not want to die! I still must find my Barnacle Boy! Barnacle Boy! Come back to me, Barnacle Boy!"

At around this point, Weiss had stumbled over to Ruby's position, lugging the ginger baby in her arms, all covered in soot and ash. I couldn't tell if he was unconscious from all the heat that had built up inside that giant robot or whether he passed out from smelling Weiss's gas.

"Ruby!" She dropped Chuckie onto the ground, panting like she was out of breath. I started making my way over to the two of them.

"Weiss, good to see you're alright. Neo, any signs of Shirou?"

Not yet, though I haven't really looked all that hard, seeing as I had to deal with a fully grown dragon. We might be able to make some dough off its bones later, once we get back to the city.

"Well," said little Red, "we'll just have to look harder while the genie distracts him."

"But what do we do, Ruby? We still don't have a plan for dealing with this guy!"

"I don't know! I thought just trowing Yang at all our problems would solve everything, but I guess we'll have to find something else."

At that moment, The King jumped off from Ruby's back, "Might I suggest something?"

"Like what?" Weiss crossed her arms. "You're the one who got us into this mess!"

"Well I probably should have mentioned this to you earlier, but…"

"Look out!" shouted Weiss.

When I looked to where the heiress was pointing, I saw the _Dovahkiin_ _'s_ Bullhead trying to make a getaway.

Why would he be trying to run now of all times?

Though, on a second look, Stannis still seemed to be preoccupied with Gwonam, who had gotten back on his magic carpet. Mermaid Man was still being held hostage, and Cinder was still struggling to get back up. Yang hadn't moved from where Ruby had last placed her.

Once the transport was about fifty feet off the ground, a guy with a couple of bullets in his face slid out and fell face flat onto the ground.

That could only mean one thing.

When Stannis saw his Bullhead rising off the ground, his helmet jolted as his head turned to examine the area. "What the hell is going on? I didn't give an order to retreat! Dammit!"

After disarming Gwonam with a shout and rescuing his fat companion from the genie's clutches, the false king rushed over to where Cinder was and picked her up.

"Now!" shouted Ruby.

As Stannis raised his fist to fling a fireball at the escaping ship, Weiss got in close and plunged her sacred ancestral sword into the ground, causing a cage of ice to form around the false king.

Looks like we had our opening.

As the rest of us charged toward him, all Stannis could do was turn his head and look upon us with confusion on his face. "What?"

Ruby launched herself off the ground with the spring in her Big Dick, and began spinning in the air. "THIS IS FOR KILLING OUR FRIEND!"

But just then, I saw a deep orange glow emerge from deep under the ice. In an instant, the ice shattered and a wave of fire swept over little Red as Cinder spread her arms out and channeled her fiery semblance.

I should have expected as much from my former boss.

Still, it was too late to back out. While Ruby was still screaming in pain, I drew the blade out of my umbrella, ran in close, and tried to make a deep cut across Cinder and Stannis's backside. Unfortunately, the false king was too quick for the count, and with one fell swoop, he shot the blade out of my hand, though I managed to dodge the follow-up swing with my insane reflexes. For anyone else, that blow would have clipped them in one hit, so I guess I should consider myself lucky. Not everyone has the skills of Batman and Superman and Spiderman combined.

Now that Cinder was able to stand up on her feet again, Stannis laid her onto the ground. "It looks like I still have some use for you, witch."

"Do not underestimate my own capabilities. Shall we make leave?" Cinder pointed up to the Bullhead, which was now beginning to land on the Egg Carrier. Her other hand was busy fishing through her pockets for her scroll, but all she pulled out was scrap metal.

Stannis clenched his fists. "Very well." He turned to us. "Consider yourselves lucky today, for the next time we meet in battle I shall show you no mercy. Until we meet again."

I watched as the three of them walked away, trying to catch a plane at the next town over before the Egg Carrier got away. I couldn't help but notice little Red spinning round and round while poking her burns, saying "Owwie!" every time she did so.

"Ruby, you dunce, would you stop doing that?" said Weiss as she planted her hands on her hips.

"But, Weiss, it huuuuurts!"

Little Red collapsed onto the ground. Chuckie looked like he was hurt pretty bad as well, but he was too unconscious to say anything about. Looking back over Muhammad Avdol's corpse, we were going to have to bury it sometime soon or else he was going to turn into a ghost and watch us while we go to the bathroom like some sick bastard who likes to write stories about cartoon characters suffering from indigestion after eating fast food.

But then I had a look at Yang Xiao Long.

What in the world? This doesn't look too good.

"What is it, Neo?" Weiss said as I gestured her to come over. Seeing as the heiress doesn't seem to understand basic English, I had to use nonverbal communication to get her to talk. Once she was close, she jumped back a bit. "Wha… When did this happen?"

"What are you two girls up to?" said The King.

"Your majesty, come over here quick!"

After King Harkinian stepped in between me and Weiss, he said, "Holy shit!"

The back of Blondie's skull was riddled with bullet holes. A note was pinned down between her shoulder blades with a simple Kunai. It said, "I used to be an incompetent, pig-faced virgin like you, but then I took an arrow to the knee."

Well, to be honest, I've seen worse, done worse actually, but losing our best man put quite the damper in my soul. Whoever did this wasn't any amateur, seeing as they've eluded even my scent.

No, we were dealing with a real first-class ninja over here.

As Weiss lowered her ear to Yang's dead body, The King ripped out the note and had a look over it. "What is this horseshit? What kind of uncouth mongrel would write such obscenities?" He threw the note to the ground.

The heiress leaned back up. "She's dead alright. Ugh… Great, now what do we do?"

King Harkinian then wiped his forehead, and then made a pious gesture with his hands. "This is my fault, girls. I should not have led you on such a dangerous quest. Gwonam!"

The magical genie pushed himself off the ground. "Yes, your majesty?"

"Gather up the dead so we may be ready once King Leonidas gets here."

Ruby sprung out of her unconsciousness, "Did you say King Leonidas is going to be here?"

Weiss jumped before her teammate spreading her arms out, "Ruby, don't look!"

But it was already too late, "Yang!"

Little Red ran over to Yang's dead body and knelt right next to it, tears beginning to stream out of her blackened eyes. I couldn't help but notice The King raising his right finger as if to speak, but something had stopped him.

Ruby turned to the three of us, as Gwonam threw Muhammad's stinking corpse onto his magic carpet, "We can revive her right? All we have to do is get a Phoenix Down or find a necromancer or something like that, right?"

"I dunno," said Weiss, "I think she's gone for good."

"But… but we're supposed to be part of a team and find Daenerys Targaryen and the great Kung Fu masters together!"

"I'm sorry, Ruby."

I turned around just as Ruby leaned forward to hug her teammate, taking one hard suck on my nicotine lollipop. I could do without all this hugging and kissing and stupid kids stuff mucking up my day-to-day life.

And then I saw them.

A few hundred feet ahead of us, Leonidas of Sparta jumped out of Rider's pitch black chariot and started making his way toward us with a graceful stride, though I can't really say how he got there without any of us noticing. Behind him, Pyrrha jumped out of a bright red SUV, leaving a naked and comatose Jaune in the front seat, bound by a single leather cord. I didn't really want to know what went on between a faithful husband and his loving wife when the sun went down, but I knew it couldn't be any good.

When he faced King Harkinian, the King of Sparta made a kneeling bow, reaching his hand to his exposed left chest, and then stood back up. His eyes then turned to Yang, "It seems I came too late. I am sorry for your loss."

The King of Hyrule waved his hand, "There is nothing you could have done. I should have taken a safer route."

"Maybe, but we shouldn't dwell on it too much." Leonidas stepped to the side. "My daughter, Pyrrha Nikos." The red-haired girl simply smiled and waved.

Pyrrha stepped up to the remaining members of RWBY, "It is a pleasure to meet you once again, though I seem to have arrived at a bad time."

King Harkinian turned to his fellow king, holding him by the shoulder. "I'm sorry to ask this of you, but could you perform the necessary rites for our friends?"

"Wait!" shouted Ruby as she raised her hand and stood up. "Mister Sparta-guy, do you think you can help us bring back my big sis?"

Leonidas began making his way back to the chariot, but then turned back, "One should not meddle in Hades's affairs, but perhaps I can aid you on your quest. Is it true that you wage war against the vampire Nora Valkyrie, and by extension Gilgamesh?" Ruby nodded, though Weiss held her arms crossed. "Come. Let us return back to the capital."

We all started making our way for Pyrrha's SUV. I watched Gwonam glide over and pile the dead bodies in the trunk right next to some strange tools Pyrrha used to keep her boyfriend in check. Once that was said and done, King Harkinian and his vizier went back to the magic carpet, carrying Chuckie in their arms. After Leonidas returned to his chariot, the remaining four of us jumped into the van. I looked back over the seats to look at Yang's dead body as we all started getting back on the road.

This was definitely Nora's doing. I couldn't say just what Nora had planned or how the hell she managed to kill our best member without any of us seeing it, but this time she crossed the line.

Nora was going to pay for this.

* * *

 **A/N: Hi everyone! That's the end of that arc. I hope y'all still like this trainwreck of a story. I don't know if I was able to use everyone's abilities and stuff to their fullest potential, and I might have ended the fight too early, but I hope y'all still like it anyway. Any thoughts on recent plot development and stuff? Let me know if you have any comments or questions or anything like that. The next chapter's going to be another intermission chapter, though we'll be seeing a different perspective this time. Stay tuned!**


	11. I-3: Melanie and Miltiades Join the Mob

"Mel, where the fuck are we going?"

"Somewhere, anywhere! I just need a drink!"

"But we don't have the muniez!"

Melanie sighed. As much as she hated to admit it, her twin sister was right. Ever since Junior had died from Nora's flesh bud, the two of them were flat-out broke. Nobody else would hire them, and almost everyone was involved in pointless gang war.s At this point, a position at Nora's company seemed almost tantalizing.

Melanie turned back around to her sister, "Well, what do you think we should do?"

"I don't know, maybe we could start our own thing, just the two of us."

"Like, no way would that work." To accomplish something on the scale of Nora's enterprise, they would need something like a corporate sponsorship, which there was no way in hell they were getting. "We're not even the main characters!"

Miltiades held her arms cross, scuffling her foot across the pavement, "I wish we could go on super-cool adventures like Ruby and Weiss and all those folks."

"Ugh. Me too sis. Let's just keep moving." At the very least, they hadn't become crack-addicted, homeless bums like that Weiss girl. Mel knew well what sorts of indigestion problems would come with that sort of status, as she smelled all too well back at the Salty Spittoon.

The streets had grown more dangerous over the past few days. Now that President Underwood has made his appearance in this city, Vale was crawling to the brim with U.S. soldiers, so they had to exercise a bit more caution while navigating the city's alleyways. Speaking of which…

"Mel, look out!"

The white-dressed girl pulled her twin sister into a left-side alleyway when a black chopper swept its light over the streets as it came around the corner up ahead. The two of them held their backs to the wall right next to an overfilled dumpster as the patrol copter zipped right by. Once the danger was past, the two of them let out a sigh of relief.

Miltiades turned to her sister, "Wait, why are we avoiding them again?"

"I dunno, I just don't like the look of them." Truth be told, Melanie just plain didn't trust Americans. Those goons had a reputation for being tough on crime, and they probably wouldn't look too kindly on two lowly prostitutes like them. To put things shortly, Americans liked to shoot first and ask questions later, and Remnant's lacking respect for Jesus Christ didn't exactly help matters.

Melanie briefly scanned the alleyway, and once the coast was clear, she signaled her sister to follow.

After passing only a quarter of the way in, the two of them heard a voice, "Psst! Hey you!"

"Wha… who are you? Show yourself!" Melanie reached for her sword, but then she realized she didn't have one. After all, she wasn't Weiss, despite whatever similarities the two may have shared.

Standing right next to a closed garage door stood a figure obscured by the darkness of the alleyway, his arms crossed.

"I have something I need to say to you."

"What is it?" asked Miltia.

The figure stepped forth. Mel immediately recognized him as Russel Thrush.

"Shrek is love. Shrek is life." He turned around and jumped high into the air, out of sight.

"What the hell?" Mel responded.

"Wasn't he at the club the other day?"

"I think so." Melanie vaguely remembered Russel's incoherent tirade from back then. Even though the Kingdom of Vale wasn't a particularly religious state, there was an alarming number of people who had taken to this strange Shrek-based cult. Melanie didn't even know who Shrek was, even though his name showed up in a significantly large proportion of Remnant's entertainment venues. Russel was simply another one of these enthusiasts. Though, just what did he want with them now?

"Mel, look!"

When Melanie looked over to where her sister was pointing, she saw a set of rail-guarded steps going down into one of those so-called "Legitimate Businessman's Clubs." A sign made from blue Neon tubes stood above the entrance, with "Vinny's Fine Italian Cuisine" written in glowing white letters right under a margarita glass.

Mel turned to her twin, "Meh, I guess I could get some booze from this joint."

"But… what if we run into the mob?"

"I'm sure we can take care of them." Even though Mel and Miltia lacked fully customized, military-grade weapons like Weiss and her friends, they could still hold their own against a couple of thugs. The two twins began their descent.

Upon a closer inspection, the inward-opening door looked like it was made out of hardened steel, painted over to give it a wooden finish. A pair of vertical pipes jutted out from the front to conceal the door's locking mechanisms, yet there didn't seem to be any doorknob or any other such mechanism. There was also a viewing hatch, currently closed shut, about five-and-a-half feet up.

Miltiades turned to her sister, "So, how do we get in?"

"I guess we just knock."

Melanie slammed her fist on the door three times, and then backed away.

The hatch slid open, and a pair of white eyes peered out. "What's your business?"

"You guys sell booze here?"

"Uh… sure, lady. We've got some of that here…"

"Then why don't you let us in?"

"Uh… Well… you see… I can't…"

"Come on, Donny, just let her in already!"

The man standing inside the door sighed, and then slid the hatch shut. Melanie heard five clicks before the door opened, revealing a dimly-lit barroom tinted with violet light. A few guys in black suits were standing over near a pool table to the left side of the room. They reminded her of the goons her old boss hired, except their faces had been obscured by shadow.

The bar itself stood on the right side of the room, just past a set of stairs leading to the second floor. On the far end of the counter sat Bowser drinking from a mug filled with milk. Melanie wasn't sure how the seat under him hadn't collapsed under his own weight, seeing as the cushion was supported by only a single metal rod. Farther down the hall, Italian Spiderman seemed to be engaging in a game of high-stakes Texas-hold-em against a pack of talking dogs and Venetian Doges.

A rather elderly looking man stood behind the counter, waxing off some of his wine glasses. "Well, ladies, what can I do you in for?" He looked remarkably similar to the guy who owned the _From Dust Till Dawn_ Dust shop, the DVD store, and the jewelry shop inside Vale's central mall.

"Just get me a Lime Rickey."

"Sure thing, mam. And what can I get for you, Miss?"

"Uhh… could I get a menu or something?" said Miltia.

While the elderly bartender went to fetch her drink and retrieve Miltia's menu, Melanie couldn't help but watch as the paper-thin Koopa King chugged down his glass of milk. She couldn't really imagine what a man like him would be doing at a run-down Italian joint like this, so she sat down right next to him.

"Uh, why are you drinking milk in a place like this?"

"It's good fer building up yer bones!"

A rather short and elderly looking Koopa in purple robes jumped down from the seat right behind Bowser. The combination of the long pointed hat and rod gave her a rather witch-like appearance. Shortly after Bowser's assistant landed on the ground, Mel heard the loud clack of a broom as it struck the floor, but on a closer inspection, the object appeared to be an abnormally large paint brush.

Melanie simply raised her eyebrow at the woman.

"Oh, forgive my manners!" The woman, no higher than three feet, made an elaborate bow. "I am nothing more than a lowly assistant to the great schemes of his royal villainousness!"

"Do you even have a name?" Mel responded.

"Why yes, I am called Kammy Koopa! I serve as his highness's chief magician!"

Bowser slammed his empty glass on the counter, though it remained firm and unyielding. "Enough, Kammy. We're never going to make headway in this city." He raised his hand to alert the bartender, who promptly refilled his glass.

"Did something happen?" asked Miltiades.

"Eh, life's just not the same anymore. It used to be that I could just steamroll everything with nothing but lean muscle, that is, until the heroes came in to save the day. Hell, in my heyday, I used to be able to take over star systems and make galaxies out of black holes without breaking a sweat! But now? Now I get creamed by the city's local pest control if I so much as take a single step! Everyone's packing heat these days, and Ironwood's got an iron grip on this city. Most of my guys are dead or they've got the spooks. I can't even pester the Mario brothers now that the General's scared them out of plain sight." Although Melanie wasn't quite the troublemaker like Bowser, she could sympathize with him, seeing how difficult it was to find opportunity in this city.

Miltia looked up from her menu, "Why don't you just join up with Nora and her crew? You sound like you've got tons of experience."

"Yeah… but… it's not the same when you're not top dog." He set his cup down on the table once again and sighed. "I just wish I could be the main villain again." Even with all the gang wars and shit cluttering up the city, it was hard to make an impression without being some sort of important figure or former huntress. Melanie could see that quite plainly.

After drinking from her straw, Melanie stood back up and slammed her feet on the floor. "Eh, fuck it. Bowser, let's form a team." She reached out a hand.

The Koopa King seemed a bit reluctant to return the gesture. "Wait… Just who are you two girls anyway?"

"I'm Melanie."

"And I'm Miltia!" Mel's sister sprung out from her seat, spreading her arms out wide.

"Is this some kind of circus performance?" responded Bowser's chief magician.

"Hmm…" muttered Bowser, holding his claw to his chin as he sat still in deep, philosophical thought. "So, can you girls fight?"

"Well.."

Miltia leapt up into the air, "Of course we can, sorta."

Bowser shrugged, "Well, that's better than most of the guys I usually get. Half of them don't even have opposable thumbs, or arms for that manner." He reached out his claw. "Consider yourselves the newest members of my personal army."

"But your gluttonousness," began Kammy Koopa, "you don't have a personal army anymore. They're all dead."

"Eh, let these kids have their moment of glory."

The four of them shook on it. Although Melanie didn't know whether she would make any money through pursuing this venture, this moment marked the beginning of a new phase in her life.

The bartender interrupted their moment of comradery, "Shall I get you four something to commemorate the occasion?"

Bowser raised his left hand. "Just get us whatever is on the house. Now, let's go kidnap some princesses!"

* * *

"This was a really bad idea!" shouted Miltia as the hail of gunfire rang through the mall.

"Tell me about it!" Melanie returned. "Why the hell didn't we think this through?"

"Quit your whining, you two! You knew what you were going to get when you signed up for this! We've still got the advantage here!" With one of his free arms, Bowser lobbed a walking bomb over the makeshift barricades lining the inside of the long defunct Cheesecake Factory.

 _ **-KAPOW!-**_

Soon after Bowser's attack, Melanie saw the brief glint of a blackened AK-74 assault rifle rise up from behind one of the booths at the far end of the restaurant. Luckily, the Koopa King had been swift enough to turn his cup-like craft before Princess Zelda's bullets could shred him to pieces.

"Kammy, I need cover fire!"

"You got it your majesticness! Take this you mingy young whippersnapper!" The Koopa waved her golden rod and fired a geometric attack as she floated over the rubble the Malachite sisters were hiding behind.

"Mel, how the hell do we get through this? We don't have any ranged weapons!"

"I dunno, Miltia, we'll just have to find a way."

The two of them could take cover from behind the various upturned tables and columns in the restaurant, but the moment they moved out of position, Zelda would peep out and pepper them with gunfire. Who knew Princess Zelda would be such a capable fighter? She could probably even give Ruby a run for her money.

Melanie tried sneaking a peek over the rubble, but then immediately backed down after nearly getting shot by Zelda. "Shit!"

"Wait, Mel, I think I've got an idea."

"Well, it better be good." She really couldn't think of a way out of this situation, aside from getting the hell out of there.

Miltiades turned her head upward. "Bowser, you think you can take out those columns?"

"Uh, sure thing miss." He pulled out a pair of bombs from his bulb-shaped hovercraft. Despite fitting snuggly around Bowser's waist, the thing apparently could hold dozens of black bombs, which had feet and eyes for some reason. The thing looked like it wouldn't be able to support its own weight with its single propeller, but then again Melanie gave up on trying to make sense of things a long time ago.

Just as he was about to throw them, a few bullets grazed his arm, causing him to drop one of the bombs. "Crap!"

"Get out of the way, you simpletons!" screamed the purple-robed mage.

Dragging Miltia alongside her, Melanie rushed over to one of the low-lying wooden walls separating the seating from the waiting area.

 _ **-KABOOM!-**_

While on the run, the two of them got peppered hard with Zelda's bullets, but luckily their auras had managed to absorb most of the blows.

"So much for that idea," snarked Melanie. Briefly looking around, Kammy had moved over behind the now-empty cheesecake display counter.

From this position, Mel couldn't tell where Zelda was hiding, but at least they were safe from the princess's gunfire, for now.

Bowser moved forth through the air in his craft, continuing the attack, "Here goes nothing!" But just as he brought out his next Bomb-Omb, Mel briefly saw something fly though the air.

 _ **-BOOM!-**_

The blast sent Bowser spinning back, crashing through the shattered window frames. Somehow during that mishap, Zelda had managed to swap out her rifle for a grenade launcher, much like the one carried by Nora Valkyrie.

How in the world were they supposed to get close without something to close the distance?

But then something came to her.

Melanie tapped her sister on the shoulder and whispered into her ear, "Miltia." She then gestured her finger up over the low wall.

"Okay, got it!"

Melanie then waved to get Kammy's attention, trying to get her to provide cover support. Kammy gave them a thumbs up, and then used her magic to split herself into four.

Three of those clones rushed forth from behind the counter as Kammy let out a loud yell, "CHARRRGE!"

Over the sounds of Zelda's delayed gunfire, Mel mouthed to her sister, "Now!"

The two of them leapt over the wall and then ducked low next to the booths while Zelda was distracted with Kammy's clones. A few seconds passed as they snaked through the booths, rubble, upturned tables and chairs before they found their target, focusing her sights on the restaurant's long corridor.

The princess turned to meet their gaze, but by then it was already too late. "How did…"

Melanie slammed her heel in the back of Zelda's noggin with a spinning back kick, rendering her unconscious.

"Aw…" said Miltia, "I wanted to get the kill."

Melanie looked up while gathering up the ammunition piled up next to Zelda's body. "The boss wants her alive, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah. Say, can I have this?" Miltia was holding up the AK-74.

"Knock yourself out." _Guess that means I_ _'ve got the grenade launcher._

After a minute or two of looking around the area for anything of value, Kammy peeked out from behind the counter. "Girls, are you still alive? Did we win?"

"Yeah," shouted Miltia. She raised up Zelda's now limp body. "We got her!"

"Stupendous! His royal highness will be pleased… as soon as he gets back up." The Koopa magician looked back towards her boss.

Bowser crawled out of his strange flying machine and then used some of the rubble nearby to help upright himself.

Melanie could even see the stars dancing around the Koopa King's head as he tried balancing himself, "Ugh… What happened? We won, right?"

"We sure did," said Miltia. "So, now what do we do?"

Mel looked around, surveying the restaurant once more, "Well, I guess we could make this our new base or something? Let's see if we can find any more loot." Considering that they were now in on this little venture, they could at the very least make some bling while they were at it.

Bowser shook himself out of his daze, "Man, I haven't had this much success in years. I guess I've still got it in me."

"Yeah…" said Melanie. The raid had went surprisingly well, despite her initial misgivings. _I guess that fight with Ruby and Weiss must've gotten to me._

After searching under one of the tables, Miltiades turned to face the rest of the group, "Anyway, I just hope nobody comes after us now that we have Princess Zelda."

"Aw, it's no big deal," said Bowser. "With the Mario Brothers out of the way, what's the worst that could happen?"

* * *

Sun Wukong drowsily stumbled through the hall, having just taken a dump only minutes before. The beef fajitas had done quite a number on him.

 _What time is it? Eleven? Past midnight? Three-o-clock in the morning?_ Sun hadn't checked. But still, now that he was up, he figured he might as well visit Saber and Master Yi while they were on watch duty.

Sun lazily shoved open the door leading into the stairway. The security room was somewhere on the fourth floor, where his friends could monitor the whole dojo for any signs of an attack. There was enough military hardware and automated drones in this complex to deter any threat, so Sun felt safe as he strode through the empty halls.

Still, that knowledge didn't deter his more primal instincts. _Man, this place can be creepy as fuck sometimes._

The air was still and silent. The dim overhead lighting gave the walls a sickly, yellowish-beige hue, flickering from time to time. It reminded him of one of those creepy abandoned hospitals. Sure, it was meant to conserve energy, but that didn't make it any less unsettling. Saber had done a good job in cleaning up the cobwebs, but that didn't change much.

He had his gun-chucks though, so he would be able to fight if anything decided to spring on him from the dark.

When Sun opened the main entrance to the fourth floor, he noticed a strange stench lingering in the air. _The hell? Something_ _'s definitely fishy._

Sun peeked out from behind the door, looking both ways through the hall. Aside from the doors along each side of the hall, there weren't many spots were people could hide, and the doors usually made a noticeable creak whenever they were opened. If there was anyone else here, they would not be able to escape without Sun noticing.

Sun began making his way for the security room at the far end of the hall. There was an ample amount of light shining through each of the training rooms. Holding his chucks close, Sun peeked through the windows into each room, but he didn't find anything. Occasionally, the Faunus would look back, but nothing seemed to be following him. Huh, maybe I'm just imagining things.

And then, he heard the sound of water dripping, but it didn't sound like it was coming from any of the bathrooms.

 _Shit._

Sun rushed down the hall, making a run for the security room. But then he glimpsed something along the left side of the hall, forcing him to a stop.

 _What the hell?_

There was now a poster of Teemo hanging on the wall, with the words "Get #Shrekt NUB" written on it in bold, blood lettering. He definitely had not seen this before.

Sun walked up close to it, "Is this some kind of sick joke?"

But then, just out of the corner of his eye, Sun saw a large shadow moving toward him.

Sun instantly snapped his gun-chucks out and turned to face the intruder. "Ha! I've... Oh shi..."

As soon as Sun heard the painful, shrill cry of his assailant, he knew he was boned.


	12. This is Sparta

I woke up at seven in the morning as the sun shone into my eyes. Even though this palace was centuries old, it had modern windows and air conditioning, if only to keep up with the times.

I reached over, grabbing for a cigarette out of my trenchcoat pocket, but then I realized that I don't smoke, because cool people don't smoke.

Ruby and Weiss were sleeping soundly in the beds to my left. The alarm hadn't woken them up yet, though I could hear the heiress muttering something about wanting to touch little Red in all her no-no areas. I just hoped our fearless leader wouldn't find out about it.

A knock came from outside the cherry-wood door. "Rise and shine, ladies. The King requests your presence!"

Ruby was out of bed in an instant, "Alright, time to get ready for another day of adventure!" Using her semblance, Ruby dashed around the room to get herself dressed.

Weiss struggled to get up, "Is it morning already?"

"Come on sleepy-head, wake up!" Now that she was all ready to go, little Red started shaking her partner until the two of them were both out of bed.

While the two of them were busy doing whatever girls do before they get ready for school, I walked over to the window on the far side of the room and had a look outside. The glass was hidden behind a thin wire mesh to keep animals from breaking in. Even from the guest room, we had a good view of the city down below.

Sparta. Mistral's capital.

For thousands of years, this nation has always stood vigilant against whatever forces rise in the East. First, it was the Persian Empire, and then it was the Turks with their guns and tanks. For years on end, the Spartan Kingdom was always caught in strife.

And yet, looking at it now, the city as a whole seemed tranquil and calm. There was none of the filth or insanity or gang wars that plagued my home city of Vale, only sunshine and food aplenty. For a land so caught up in wars against the menace of the east, Sparta was at peace.

If only it would last.

By then, Ruby and Weiss had finished dressing themselves, though Weiss looked exactly the same as she had before.

A pair of gold-plated hoplite guards led us through the long columned halls. We passed by the central, sun-lit courtyard, where members of the palace guard had been training with their spears.

The guards led us back into the main hall, with a Martian statue looking at us all from high up above.

King Leonidas stepped forward to meet us, "Welcome, friends."

"Pleased to meet you again, Mister Sparta-guy!" Ruby stepped forth to hug the bare-chested Spartan.

"It's too early for this…" muttered Weiss.

The King gestured for us to gather around an ornate carpet lain out along the floor, where our breakfast feast awaited us. Soon after, King Harkinian came in, followed by his attending genie. Gwonam whispered something into The King's ear, and then headed out through the window on his magic carpet.

King Harkinian held one of his hands up high, "Excuse us, but it appears there are urgent matters back at the palace. Gwonam will not be dining with us today."

"What a shame," said Iskander, who was kneeling to the left of the Spartan King, towering at least two feet higher than his master. "I was looking forward to meeting with another warrior who has proved himself so worthy in battle."

"What happened?" asked Ruby.

King Harkinian reached for a golden wine goblet and took a sip. "Zelda has been kidnapped. It appears that we have another contender for the Iron Throne."

Leonidas shook his goblet. "Yet, even though we may now be brothers in arms, someday we too will have to face each other on the battlefield."

"A pity," remarked Pyrrha.

"It is true," said The King. "Perhaps I should have stayed home with Zelda and sent Gwonam alone as envoy." After placing his drink down, he held his head in both arms. "I just hope my daughter is safe."

"I pity you, friend," said Leonidas. "As honored guests to the Kingdom of Sparta, we shall ensure that you remain safe within our halls. From what I have heard, Vale has become a dangerous place, no thanks to General Ironwood and his goons."

As all this was going on, I couldn't help but notice Weiss taking a sniff of her favorite white snow. The staff had been smart enough to give her a pair of clean diapers so she wouldn't shit all over the floor whenever she had diarrhea. Ruby in the meantime was having all the cookies and strawberries she could get her hands on, even while listening to the Kings' talk of politics.

Me? I was just sort of sitting there trying to take it all in. Every private detective needs to have a nutritious breakfast before going to work every morning. Besides the issue of who shot Yang, there weren't really any mysteries to solve, so I didn't feel like I was needed at the moment.

But in any case, we needed to get straight to business. With our best man down, just how were we going to fight Nora and her goons? At the very least, Leonidas could tell us where to find Daenerys Targaryen.

Before I could say anything, Little Red raised her hand, "Uh, Mister Sparta-man?"

"What is it, Miss Rose?"

Ruby pointed her finger at me. "Neo wanted to ask if you knew where to find any ancient Indian chiefs or Danerys Targaryen or stuff that'll help us summon heroic servants."

"So you search for the mother of dragons, eh? How interesting that you should ask that, for another boy came to me asking that same question."

"My boy?" asked King Harkinian.

"Why yes, as a matter of a fact it was your boy, Link. He said that he needed to find her to help him in his quest to defeat Ganon. The last I've heard of him, he was headed deep into the Iranian heartland. If you find him, you may find her as well."

Ruby gave Leonidas a thumbs up. "Thanks Mister-Sparta-guy!"

After nibbling on some grapes, I heard Weiss speak up, "Uh, where's Jaune? Or Chuckie?" Upon hearing her boyfriend's name, Pyrrha stood straight up and then bolted out of the hall. I wonder what her deal was.

"I don't know about the Arc lad, but Chuckie Chan is still…"

Just then, the door to the main hall opened up, and a pair of hoplite guards stepped in.

"King Leonidas, a woman wishes to see you!"

"Just who would interrupt me at this hour?"

"Wait!" shouted Ruby. "What did she look like?"

"Well, she was blonde. She had this blue dress, but she was wearing some sort of armor over it. Looked like she was royalty or something like that."

Ruby turned to face the rest of us, "It's Saber!"

"But… why would she come all the way out here?" said Weiss. I was wondering the same thing too. She was supposed to be back at the dojo with Sun and Master Yi.

Something must've gone down.

The big burly man next to Leonidas stood straight up, his feet shaking the ground when he stepped. "Saber you say?"

"You know this mysterious woman?" said his master, arms crossed.

"We were acquaintances once, but I would scarce call her royalty." Iskander took a sip from his goblet.

Leonidas stood up, "Very well, let us meet with her then."

A few seconds later, Pyrrha came back into the hall, carrying Jaune in her arms. The boy looked like he hadn't had enough sleep, and there was drool coming out of his mouth. Kids these days, staying up all night playing their stupid video games and watching children's cartoons.

The two hoplites led us out into the open, down a great series of marble steps. Bushes, gardens, and greenery stood on each side, until we got up to the iron gates leading out into the main city. I hadn't seen such good weather in ages, with the sun shining straight ahead and not a single cloud in sight. It was like something out of a fairy tale.

But once we got to the main gates, we saw a limo parked out in front.

Oh, dear god no.

There, standing right along the sidewalk, was Saber, holding up Sun's dead body.

"Sun!" shouted Ruby as she dashed over to examine him.

I ran on over as well, followed by Weiss, Pyrrha, and King Harkinian. Sun's body was covered in bullet wounds, along with a deep knife wound in his forehead. From the looks of things, monkey-boy here must've taken a shotgun blast straight to the chest, and that must've been what done him in. On the other hand, he had scar marks that looked like someone had tried to patch him up in the last few hours.

As Ruby and Weiss held Sun in their arms, King Harkinian stepped up to Saber, "What happened here?"

"The dojo… we were attacked… they came in numbers we couldn't handle. They got Master Yi. I-I tried to save Sun… I tried healing him… but I was too late." The woman got on her knees, and then held her palms to her eyes. "This… this is my fault…" The King knelt down to console her in her moment of despair.

"Sun…" muttered Ruby. She let her arms hang down, dropping Sun into Weiss's arms. After seeing how Blondie died to Nora's goons, I couldn't even begin to imagine how alone and isolated little Red must be feeling right now. Hell, if I woke up tomorrow morning and learned my favorite partner in crime was dead or sleeping with another woman, I'd be pretty pissed myself.

Leonidas stepped forward, and rested his hand on Saber's shoulder. "I feel for you, fellow brother in arms."

"Thank you…" muttered Saber under her sobs.

Iskander began to step from behind the gates, if only to meet his former comrade in arms. But then he stopped, held up his left arm, and began to sniff through the air. "Hmmm… Something isn't right…"

Pyrrha turned to Iskander, laying Jaune on the ground, "Maybe you're just smelling Sun's dead body."

"Perhaps… Master, might I ask something of you?"

"What is it?" said King Leonidas.

At that moment, I saw a black, cloaked figure circle around past us on the sidewalk. He looked like one of those evil cultists you see in the movies. He might have been one of those guys who started worshiping Shrek after seeing all the _Shrek_ movies, but I could tell something wasn't quite right about him. As I watched him pass, his eyes watched my own, not even blinking once.

He must be a pro staring contest champion.

I decided to ignore him for now, and tried to see if I could find any more clues from Sun's dead body. I tried bringing it over to where the two Kings were standing, just to see if I could get a second opinion.

And then I noticed a bright, glowing circle forming underneath the six of us.

Iskander came running headlong at us, "Master, look out!" He reached his strong, bear-like arms around us and then threw us straight over the limo. As I spun around in the air, I heard a faint shrieking sound coming from out of the ground, followed by a loud clang. "What's this? I can't…"

A blinding flash of light soared over us, and the resulting blast threw us across the street. Through the explosion I could hear the sounds of sniper fire raining overhead, followed by the blast of a war horn.

"CHARGE!"

That didn't sound like any one of our guys. Either way, shit was going to go down real fast.

When I got back to my senses, I looked over to where the limo had been. Suffice to say, things didn't look very good for us.

Iskander had been reduced to a pile of ashes, along with most of the limo.

Shortly after, little Red and her partner got back up. "Oh shit! The bad guys freaking no-scoped Rider to death! Whatdowedo? Whatdowedo? Whatdo…"

Our heiress slapped Ruby in the face. "Get a hold of yourself, Ruby! We gotta get out of here!"

Off to the left, I saw that black-robed man running off into the city streets, his hands and cane glowing with some kind of eldritch magic.

I started off after him.

"Neo, wait up!" I could hear Ruby shouting behind me, but there wasn't any time to chat.

As I chased him down into a nearby alleyway, a group of black Assassins leaped off from atop the roof and blocked my pursuit.

Did these punks really think they could slow me down?

I jumped into a handstand and began to make my somersault leap over those pack of goons. They tried to jump to intercept, but of course I was too fast for them.

Sometime while I was in mid-jump, I saw a crow swoop down from atop the roof. It spun around past the fleeing man and then dove toward me.

A laser beam erupted from its beak.

I felt a deadening sensation in my limbs, like the laser beam was somehow giving me both cancer and HIV while overdosing me with heroin. But more importantly, I was beginning to slow down.

One of the white-masked goons got right up in front of me, and then kicked me right in the stomach. I hit the ground soon after.

Damn, I must be getting too old for this kind of shit.

After the bird was done with its fancy-pants magic, it landed right on the man's shoulder, looking at me with its six red eyes. For a moment, the man turned back around, and then reached out his hand toward me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that same circle form right under me.

Shit.

I tried to get out of the way, but before I could put my plan into action, a pair of talons rose up from the ground and held me in place. I saw Pyrrha's spear shoot out over me and fly over to the evil sorcerer, but a pair of RED pyros came out from the side alleys and blew it out of the way. Luckily, the spear came flying back, spearing one of the Assassins right in the gut before returning to the Spartan's grip.

"Are you okay there?" I tried turning around, my feet still stuck in place. There she was, standing right behind a trio of those soot-black goons, spear in hand.

I nodded. I didn't know whether the lady could speak proper English, so I didn't feel like taking any chances.

At that moment, the two Assassins standing right in front of me decided to rush in. I opened my umbrella just in time, and managed to block the attacks from their weapons. In the meantime, the evil sorcerer ran deeper into the alleyways, but there wasn't much I could do about that at the moment.

I then saw Ruby shoot herself over the city, carrying Weiss's heavy ass on her back. I guess that must come from having a healthy balanced breakfast full of Frosted Flakes cereal instead of eating junk food like Mountain Dew and Doritos pizza chips.

She dropped her teammate on one of the roofs nearby. I don't think she saw us, so I tried shouting for her. "Neo, where are you?" I tried calling her out again, but before she could respond, something seemed to catch her eye. "Oh shit! It's Shirou Emiya."

Except… it wasn't. It was Archer, Shirou Emiya's cross-dressing alter ego. And he was holding out a pair of blades at least six inches wide.

By the time I looked back, Pyrrha had already taken out about half of the ninja Assassins, while the others were retreating deep into the city. The two pyros had been covering the sorcerer's retreat, keeping their flamethrowers trained on us while muffling incoherent gibberish.

"Why won't you budge?" Pyrrha was trying to pull me out of these iron talons, but it seemed as though I was stuck in place. If these things could hold down a trained servant like Alexander the Great, there was no way I was ever getting out of this bind.

Though, after another five seconds, the binds simple came undone on their own.

Sweet relief.

Pyrrha began tugging on my arm. "Come! We must give the enemy chase!"

No, I have a better idea.

I tugged back on Pyrrha's arm and jumped up onto the nearby rooftop. Here, I could keep an eye on Ruby's fight and look out for where the evil sorcerer ran off to.

No signs of him.

As I kept on searching, the Spartan princess tapped me on the shoulder, "Let's help out our friends."

Good idea. Seeing as the sorcerer ran off somewhere else, the two of us started jumping across the flat rooftops. Little Red might have been able to hold of Archer on her own, but she was getting hit hard with sniper fire.

Back at the palace gates, the two Kings and Saber were busy holding off a group of BLU soldiers, Assassins, and RED Pyros. Jaune seems to have gotten up as well, as he was swinging his blade alongside Saber.

The fight on the rooftops never stood still for a moment. Ruby kept trying to swing her Big Dick into Archer's sexy ass, but the manly servant blocked her moves blow for blow.

"Why do you continue this fight?" said the Servant.

"Because you're the evil bad guy and I need to kill you because you killed Yang! And Rider!"

 _ **-CLANG!-CLANG!-**_

"I had nothing to do with your sister's death. As for your friend's death, I was merely obeying orders."

"LIAR!"

 _ **-CLANG!-**_

At around this moment, Weiss managed to get back up, largely unscathed from the ensuing battle. By this point, Ruby and Archer were about ten buildings away, so the heiress couldn't do much else but watch, seeing as she couldn't keep up with Archer's slick moves.

Pyrrha launched her spear right towards Archer's shoulder, but the man deftly blocked it with a conjured spear of his own.

"Is that all you've got?"

"Bring it!" Ruby swept her Big Dick back, and launched herself over three more buildings. Archer stepped out of the way, but little Red pressed her attack. "THIS IS FOR YANG!" She raised her scythe up high. "HIYAAAAAA…"

"ERAAAAAAGHHHH!"

A giant crow-man swooped up from the streets below and began to intercept Ruby from the side, with three more of those black birds tailing alongside. While soaring through the city skyline, I saw another one of those glowing sigils form under Ruby's feet right after her scythe struck the ground.

The rest was only a matter of course. "What? What's going on? Why am I stuck? Guys? I need help!"

Archer once again jumped into the air and landed on a faraway building, bringing out his bow for his ultimate attack. The giant crow-man lobbed a bolt of sickly green energy, and then sent one of those crows to fire another one of their laser blasts. The other two crows swept right in and began chewing at Ruby's outer skin, after breaking through her aura.

"Ruby!" shouted Weiss from somewhere behind me.

"Guys! It's the mean old Boogieman! He's come to send his birdies to eat me! And then they're going to eat you! Somebody save me!"

This looks like a job for a private-eye detective.

I turned to Pyrrha, and tried telling her to distract Archer. Luckily, she got my message, and she started heading in his direction just as his arrow started glowing.

Just as the crow-man was about to send another one of his laser birds, I made one grand leap, ready to kick him right in his back. But he stepped out of the way just before I could land my blow.

"Do not make the mistake of underestimating me!" The crow-man's voice was garbled beyond all recognition. No wonder he joined Nora's squad of bad guys; he probably had throat cancer from smoking all day long.

I caught the glimpse of a few quick-scoping sniper rifles peeking from a few windows in the commercial district, so I brought out my umbrella to deflect the blows. Unfortunately, that left the crow-man enough time to send one of his birds to slow me down. While one started shooting its laser, the other two swerved in and started pecking at my perfectly good trench coat.

Now he had done it. There was no holding back now.

Bringing my umbrella close, I pulled out its blade and charged straight at the crow-man. He tried putting another one of those sigils under my feet, but I was too quick for him. I held my blade high, ready to strike at his neck.

But at that very moment, an blinding flash overtook the sky as Pyrrha interrupted Archer's ultimate Gay Bulge attack. I hesitated for just a brief moment. A ball of smoke landed right between us, and then I couldn't see anything.

Of course, that didn't stop me, so I continued with my attack, striking hard flesh.

When I drew out my blade, I heard a hard thud on the ground soon after. But when the smoke cleared out, all I saw was another one of those Assassins lying dead on the ground.

The crow-man was nowhere to be seen. Neither was Archer.

I walked on over to see if Ruby was alright. Now that the sigil's effects had worn off, she was free to move around, but still, the girl looked like she was completely out of it.

"Weiss? Neo? Is the Boogeyman gone?"

I guess you could say that. We should probably get back to the others before Nora's goons come back with reinforcements.

I took little Red into my arms and began hopping back over to the front gate. The soldiers and Assassins seem to have withdrawn, but it didn't look like we came out completely unscathed.

Saber, The King, and Jaune were covered with blood, guts and sweat. Jaune's clothing had been torn in places where the enemy struck him, but it looks like he healed pretty quickly. King Harkinian had quite a few bullet wounds, which he was now patching up with his own robe.

Leonidas, on the other hand, looked like he was in pretty bad shape. His body was nearly burnt to a crisp, and he had quite a few shotgun holes in his back. His eyes had been gouged straight out, leaving nothing but empty, bleeding sockets.

"Father!" Pyrrha rushed to meet with the Spartan King.

Leonidas turned to the direction of Pyrrha's voice, "My daughter… listen very carefully to what I have to say…"

As Pyrrha leaned in close to listen to her father's words, Weiss stepped in beside me. "What on Remnant happened here?"

Jaune spoke, sitting right along the sidewalk, "They… they were just too good for us. We tried holding them off as best as we could, but there were too many of them. Those masked goons… I tried to protect the King with my shield, but another one of them knocked me out of the way. And then… they… they just…" Jaune simply covered his eyes, pointing to the sorry state the Spartan King was in.

"We're… sorry," muttered Saber, clasping her gauntlets together. "We did not mean for this to happen. I can try my best to heal him, but I do not know how well my magic will work on him."

We all had a moment of silence. Not only had we lost Alexander the Great, but now Leonidas was incapacitated for the time being. Combined with Sun, Muhammad, and Yang's deaths, we were losing too many good men. It's a tough time to be a hero these days.

A minute or two later, Leonidas reeled back. His daughter lay him flat on the ground, and then turned around to face us. "My comrades, in return for your bravery I shall aid you in your quest against Nora Valkyrie. Pack your things. We leave at noon."

Saber nodded, "Very well. I shall tend to your father's wounds for the time being."

"Wait!" Ruby jumped out of my arms. "Just where are we going?"

As Pyrrha headed back up to the palace, she turned back for a moment, "Before he passed out, my father wished to confer upon you one of our prized family heirlooms. It is kept in a temple about fifty kilometers west from here, and only members of our royal line can access it. It would be wise for you to prepare yourselves, for the treasure we seek is the fabled Argo of legend."


	13. The Pirate Ship of Captain Jack Sparrow

"I take it this is the place?" asked Saber.

"That would be correct," responded Pyrrha.

The place in question happened to be a run-down oracle situated on a high plateau, with a series of mountains lurking down the horizon. Circular in shape, all that remained were three columns and the temple's wide, flat base, with little stubs where the other columns should have been.

But once we got up top, however, we found something else entirely. Spanning the width of the base was a large pit, going deep into the mountain with seemingly no end in sight. A long narrow stairwell ran down along the side.

As the seven of us were looking over the edge, Weiss's voice cut in, "So, does anyone have something that'll let us see down there?"

Saber started to pull out a lighter, "I've got…"

"No problem." As Jaune raised his sword up, it radiated a faint white glow. Saber simply pouted, much like a kid who's told they can't eat their candy before breakfast time.

"Since when have you been able to do that?" said Weiss, stepping away from the edge.

Jaune shrugged. "Maybe a few years at least."

"It's all thanks to my magic touch!" smiled Pyrrha.

Ruby, in the meantime, was still looking deep down the rabbit hole. "So, how far do you guys think this goes?"

"I'd say about five miles. This used to be a stronghold for the dwarves back in the time of Sir Isaac Newton. Come, let us descend."

The seven of us began descending down the temple's narrow steps. Pyrrha took the lead, with Jaune and I trailing close behind her. Saber was next in line, followed by The King, Ruby, and Weiss. Every so often, we saw an iron gate to our right, but Pyrrha simply kept on going. We could probably make this place into our new hideaway when Nora's goons come knocking, but we'd have to make sure there weren't any rodent problems first.

The steps eventually stopped to a level platform jutting out from the wall, revealing an old iron door rusting at its hinges.

Pyrrha turned to the rest of us, "Stand back." She stepped forward, and then kicked the door down like a true Spartan.

"Hmmm…" muttered The King, "that seems like a rather shoddy security mechanism."

"Well, you do need to be a true Spartan warrior to pull it off," remarked Ruby.

We then headed on through. Even though we were supposed to be deep underground, a dim, turquoise light shone in through a row of stained glass windows about eight feet off the ground. Two rows of statues from the time of the great Hercules stood on each side, depicting the gods of old.

"Huh," said Ruby, "maybe we will be able to summon Hercules with one of these statues."

"Somehow, I find that unlikely," said Weiss.

The hall led to a round chamber on the end, with a tall statue of Athena standing watch. Besides her stood two pairs of Corinthian columns, each bordering a hall leading deeper into the dungeon complex.

"Do you think the dwarves of ancient legend worshiped the Greek pantheon like the Spartans of today?" asked King Harkinian.

"No," said Pyrrha, "these are more recent additions, if only by a couple thousand years or so. My ancestors installed these fixtures when they reclaimed this place from the dark lord, Sauron."

"Hmmm…"

"Speaking of which," began Ruby, "I wonder if we'll find any ancient baby dragons in here?"

Pyrrha pointed Miló toward the right hall. "This way, everyone."

The hall continued on for some time, with that same lime-like light shining through. Being in here makes me feel like I'm taking another visit to the aquarium, except there aren't any fishies in this sea.

I could really go for a nice tuna sandwich right now.

The hall led to a dusty old library with books, scrolls, and dusty old cobwebs everywhere you looked. Saber kept dancing around the cobwebs like a scared little butterfly, as if they were infected or something. I don't think anyone else took note of it. She probably had some traumatic experience with them when she was still a child. Weiss seemed to be looking around at all the different books lying around, even though she was a smelly hobo.

And then, we saw it.

"HOLY SHIT! A REAL PIRATE SHIP!" Little Red ran forth to get a closer look at the massive war galley now standing before us.

The Argo.

In the year 1492, Christopher Columbus, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Edgar Allan Poe, and William Butler Yeats sailed across the wide ocean blue on this very ship and founded the United States of America. Never before in my life had I ever thought that I would ever get to bear witness such a relic of Remnant's ancient history in all its intact glory.

Now standing on top of the mast, Ruby turned to face the rest of us. "Hey, what are you guys waiting for? Let's grab all the loot we can find!"

* * *

After about an hour of scouring through the ship's hull, we had ourselves a few interesting finds. King Harkinian had found an authentic gold medallion, complete with a lightning bolt going through the middle, back from when the first Olympic games were held. Pyrrha and Jaune happened to find some old arms and armor, and Saber happened to chance upon a copy of one of Euripides's old plays. Weiss and Ruby, on the other hand, managed to score some hefty pocket change. I wasn't really interested in any dimes or treasure, seeing as I didn't think it would help me get any closer to my man.

As we began to head out, I heard Jaune speak from behind us. "So, any idea how we can get this thing up top?"

"Really?" snapped Weiss. "Do you really think we'll be able to lug that huge ship out of here? This thing probably isn't even seaworthy anymore!"

"Well," said Ruby, "the ship got down here somehow."

"Indeed," said The King. "Pyrrha, do you know how your family managed to lower this thing into this cavern?"

While we were walking back through the library, Pyrrha answered King Harkinian's question. "We'll have to look back in the family records, though alternatively we could try digging a tunnel to the shoreline."

"An excellent idea."

About the time we got to the main hall, I heard Ruby's voice behind me, "I still can't believe we didn't encounter any monsters down here."

"You dolt, do you want to get us all killed? We just fought an army of ninjas this morning!"

"But Weiss, fighting is fun!"

"Ugh."

I couldn't help but agree with little Red. Seeing as we've just descended into a deep, dark dungeon, I was expecting that we'd find more resistance. Though, I can't really complain.

A few seconds later, we were back at the main stairwell. All that was left was the long journey back up.

"What the…"

Before I could fully register the King's voice, something kicked me hard in the side of the head, throwing me over the side.

"Neo!"

I felt the firm touch of one of Weiss's glyphs right under me, and soon after, little Red had me in her arms. I can't really thank our leader enough.

As Ruby placed me on some of the steps higher up, Saber charged toward Jaune, reaching her giant, red laser sword up and then jamming it through the back of his neck.

"Jaune-kun!" By the time Pyrrha had turned around, Saber had kicked Jaune's dead body over the edge. "You!"

The Spartan warrior lunged her spear at the servant, but Saber used the momentum of her attack to launch herself into the center of the chamber. As Pyrrha looked on in shock, Saber made one hell of a shit-eating grin.

"What? But how?"

I pulled out my personal light to get a better look at what was going on. Even though there was no ground underneath her, Saber was floating in midair like she just didn't care.

Since when was she able to pull off bullshit like that?

"Saber!" shouted Ruby right next to me, "What's gotten into you? I thought we were friends!"

Saber tried concealing her laughter from behind her wrist. "Ufufufufufu! You incompetent imbeciles! Did you really think I was your beloved Saber-chan? I had you all played for fools!"

As the woman disguised as Saber continued taunting us with her laughter, she withdrew her blade, replacing it with a cigarette holder, and then spun around and around. The armor disappeared from her chest, her dress turned pitch black, and her hair turned a sickly shade of yellow.

Oh god no. Not her again.

"Oh shit!" shouted Ruby. "It's that evil, sexy vampire who disguised herself as Glynda Goodwitch!"

"I will make you pay for this, woman!" screamed Pyrrha.

"Oh? Just like your father did when I tore his skin off and fed him to my goats?"

Pyrrha then launched Miló straight at the woman, who simply floated out of its trajectory.

"Ha! You missed!" As that insufferable piss-eating butterfly bitch danced in the air, Pyrrha's spear came back around, but she dodged it again.

"Grr…"

As The King watched this circus performance go on, he stepped forward, clearing his throat. "Woman, now that we know you are not Saber, what might we call you?"

"Seriously," said Weiss, "we have no fucking idea who you are! I don't think half the people reading this crap know either!"

Ruby turned to her teammate. "But Weiss, isn't it obvious? She's the evil, sexy vampire lady who got bitten by Nora and wants to steal our babies so she can summon…"

"I'm a bloody WITCH you idiots! A witch! Not a vampire! Got it? And it's Beatrice by the way. Jesus, you people are such incompetent buffoons!"

The five of us stood in silence, before Ruby raised her hand up.

"What is it, child?"

"Can we kill you now?" Ruby asked.

"Young lady!" shouted King Harkinian.

"What? She's a bad guy, and she's one of Nora's evil henchmen."

"Let's just blow her brains out already, okay?" Weiss complained.

"I'm with you, Weiss," said Pyrrha.

"Ufufufufufu…" Beatrice made an elaborate gesture with her cigarette holder. "Do you think killing me will be so easy, now that your blonde friend is no longer here with you? COME, AND TASTE THE TRUE POWER OF A 900-YEAR OLD WITCH! FUAHAHAHAHA!"

"BANZAI!" Ruby brought her Big Dick back and shot herself at the piss-haired witch, causing the steps under her to collapse.

But not a second too late, a large stone tower shot out from the depths of the chasm, arrayed with a full battery of arrow slots loaded with fully automatic miniguns. Ruby slammed right into it.

"Oh shit!" said the King.

"Get down!" Weiss ran right in front of his majesty and conjured up a glyph to block the incoming fire. I quickly got out my umbrella.

 _ **-BZZZZZZZZZZZZ**_ _ **…!-**_

I couldn't hear anything else through the sound of the heavy gunfire, but I could see that damn piss-haired bitch laughing at us as she rose up topside. None of the bullets ever got through my armor-plated umbrella, but they sure put a few dents in it. There was so much gunfire that their combined impact pinned me up against the wall. Weiss tried shouting to see if her teammate was alright, but luckily Ruby caught herself between a pair of adjacent windows.

After about a minute or so, the machine guns stopped their fire, giving us a moment of relief. I saw a couple shadows start moving up top. More RED and BLU goons, including a few mlg pro-snipers recruited straight from Faze Clan.

"Heads up!" The King pointed his assault rifle up at the soldiers and snipers standing up top. I raised my umbrella straight up, and tried to get over to the others' position so we could make a quick escape.

About halfway there, Pyrrha briefly lowered her shield to face me, "Neo, watch out!"

When I looked to where she was pointing, I saw a rocket aimed straight toward me. I backflipped out of the way in time, but the explosive left quite a large gap in the spiraling stairs. When I was back on my two feet, I waved Weiss and the others to get over to where I was, upon which Weiss started conjuring up a series of glyphs in midair.

As this was going on, Ruby had managed to get her footing onto one of the windows.

 _ **-BOOM!-BOOM!-**_

With the recoil of her scythe, little Red shot herself up, and then spun it back so she could smash it into Beatrice's face.

"THIS IS FOR JAUNE!"

But with the swift motion of her arm, the piss-haired witch brought out a shotgun in front of Red's face.

"What…"

 _ **-BOOM!-**_

"Ruby!" As Weiss watched her teammate fall through the air, Pyrrha quickly hurled her spear, catching little Red by the cape.

"FUAHAHAHAHAHA! Did you actually think that would work? Foolish girl! I have learned all your pesky little tricks! How does it feel to know how futile your quest is? Huh? It's useless! It's all useless! UAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Shut up!" said Weiss. "What do you gain from any of this? This… this whole thing is pointless! So many people have died… and all because I stole a few stupid fucking pancakes."

"Oh? So you admit your own sin?"

"I was hungry, okay? Why can't anybody understand that? Maybe I shouldn't have stolen Nora's pancakes. Maybe I should be sorry for my actions. But you know what, things are beyond the point where a simple apology can fix things! My friends have been dying one by one, all because you and your sociopathic pack of hound dogs decided to get involved in what should have just been between me and Nora! You… you were never supposed to be a part of this! Blake, Sun, Master Yi, Jaune, they're all dead because of you and your stupid dusting friends! Hell, even Yang is probably dead thanks to you and your goons!"

After swinging her arm out, the heiress brought her ancient ancestral sword up close, and a strange aura began to gather around her.

"For six years, I had to wander alone in Vale's wretched streets, sick, addicted, starving, a vagabond with no friends to help me. I was no longer the huntress I once was, helpless to watch as the city descended into madness and decay. But now? My friends have finally returned to me, and now I know what I must do. I don't remember what happened all those years ago, but I know that our world was never meant to be this way. By the honor invested in the Schnee family line, I will put an end to this madness once and for all, starting with you!"

From up high, the companies of RED and BLU could not help but watch Weiss speak with silence. One of RED's soldiers wiped a few tears from his eyes, and a pyro tried to start a slow-clap routine with the rest of the team.

The witch in the center turned and snapped at them, "What the hell are you nitwits trying to pull? You're not getting paid to clap for the good guys!" She turned back around, a hand on her forehead and a smile on her face. "Ah yes, Lesser Schnee, I must applaud you for the effort you've put into your little speech there; it will make your downfall all the more satisfying. Kuhuhuhuhu… I haven't had this much fun in years! Just thinking about all the different ways I can tear your skin to shreds just makes me feel so giddy inside! You almost remind me…"

"SHUT UP! Pyrrha, Weiss, King, let's move!"

It was about time. I was almost about to fall asleep after hearing Weiss and the butterfly bitch talk on for what seemed like a century. Pyrrha, being the Spartan athlete she was, quickly got up to Weiss's position as she crossed the broken stairs via her white glyphs. The King was soon behind them, though he was a bit slower to the punch.

"Mu… You have the nerve to interrupt me? RED team, BLU team, cut off their escape! Shoulder War Tower, FIRE!"

 _ **-BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**_ _ **…!-**_

We managed to get about halfway up, with rockets, flares, and machine gun fire all around us. Weiss tried to say something, but none of us could hear anything. With each step we took, the central tower moved up a few feet, spinning around to keep the fire concentrated on us. The King tried providing some return fire, but Beatrice managed to deflect most of these blows by conjuring shields or fat goats out of thin air.

But just when we were getting close, Weiss caught a bullet in her right shoulder. "FUCK! DUST DAMMIT!"

This wasn't looking too good. Weiss immediately dropped to the ground, while Pyrrha and I continued shielding for her and The King. The floor started cracking up underneath us, and a couple rocks fell from above where the central guns had swept through.

Then the damn witch flicked her cigarette holder once more, causing the machine gun fire to stop.

"FUAHAHAHAHAHA! Are you done already? Weren't you going to say you were going to end this madness?"

"Shut up! I'm not done yet!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's all useless! I am Beatrice the Endless! You cannot end me! You are nothing but a useless, incompetent dolt! FUAHAHAHAHA!"

I had to do all I could to refrain myself from taking a grand leap and punching that witch bitch in the face. As much as I wanted her to shut up, I didn't want to get my trenchcoat ruined by machine gun fire and blood. Her blood, that is, not mine, because bullets can't touch this bad boy.

But then I heard something. While bitch-face was gloating about how much she wanted to steal my man, a purple sports car burst through the crowd of RED and BLU soldiers and dove down into the pit _Dukes of Hazzard_ style, with "Danger Zone" blasting from the radio at full volume. The driver looked to be a kid dressed in a blue superhero costume complete with a red cape. Kirei Kotomine was sitting along in front, with Wolf O'Donnell, Spy Fox, and some brown mutt riding along in the back seat.

With Putt-Putt driving straight at her, Beatrice turned and said, "What the…"

"No need to fear," said the driver, "Pajama Sam is here!"


	14. RED vs BLU

Not a second too late, Beatrice rose out of the way, but not before Spy Fox could get out one of his magic pens and grapple onto the bottom of her dress with a fishing hook, leaving a sizable tear.

"Ugh! The nerve you have! Do you think this is some sort of fanservice-laden OVA? I shall have your head!"

As Spy Fox swung round and round the chasm, Beatrice transformed into a mass of piss-flavored moths, causing him to slam straight into the outer wall like when Shrek caught Tarzan right in his genitals.

Soon after, Putt-Putt slammed straight into the top of the witch's war tower, and then leaped across the rest of the pit with a stallion's majestic stride. Both Wolf and Kirei backflipped out of the car as Pajama Sam drove it straight out the wall like a goddamn lunatic.

"But… how is that even possible?" remarked Pyrrha.

"I've given up on trying to explain things a long time ago," said Weiss. "Either way, we might have better chance of getting out of here now."

"But what about Ruby?" The King asked.

"Fuck! Alright, we're going back!"

"I'm glad for your consideration."

"I'm not doing this because I care about her or anything. I just want to save her so I can fondle her large breasts."

"What did you just say?" said Pyrrha.

"Ignore it! Just get a move on already!"

With that, Weiss conjured up a series of glyphs leading up to some of the steps below. Shortly after Pajama Sam had made his epic jump, the war tower began to crumble apart, with stone and machine guns falling deep into the bottomless abyss. It was only a matter of time before the four of us got to little Red's position.

Meanwhile, Putt-Putt had been driving counter-clockwise around the great pit like it was the thunderdome, with blue flames streaking out from under his tires. Spy Fox had also been dancing around the edge, using the new pair of roller skates he got from last Christmas. Kirei and Wolf quickly jumped to more stable ground, keeping an eye on the skies to see where the witch would form up once more.

Seconds later, Beatrice formed back up near the top, the lower ring of her dress now ruined. "Goddammit! I need backup! RED, BLU, keep them pinned down there! Someone get Gilgamesh on the line!"

Well shit. It looks like we better hurry then. Pyrrha quickly dislodged her spear from the wall, and Weiss caught her partner in her arms.

"Okay," said Pyrrha, "now what?"

While Weiss passed Ruby over to Pyrrha, the King gestured over to one of the nearby doors along the wall. "You think we can take safe quarter in one of these chambers."

As good as it sounded, it wouldn't work. If we holed up while Pajama Sam and his team made quick work of blonde bitch out here, soon the King of Kings would be on our asses and we'd have nowhere to run. Best to keep running instead of staying holed up like a cornered dog.

Pyrrha turned to his majesty, "Neo here doesn't seem to think that's a good idea."

"Yeah, we'll pretty much be sitting ducks if we do that," added Weiss. "Guess we'll have to make a run for it."

"But what about Jaune?"

"We can get him later, once the coast is clear. For now, we'll just have to leave him."

Pyrrha sighed. As the battle raged on above, Weiss began conjuring glyphs once again. Hopefully she wouldn't run out of dust by the time we made it topside.

In the meantime, Wolf, Kirei, and Spy Fox kept up their attack on the witch as Pajama Sam drove around like a crazy lunatic while smoking a joint. With Spy Fox still gaining momentum and Wolf shooting lasers at the witch, Kirei used the skills he learned from _Kung-Fu Jesus 5: Get Chiang Kai-Shrek_ _'d_ to wind up a pair of magically-enhanced punches after making an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the top of the pit. Once he got close, the holy man feinted a few punches, and then tried delivering a Chuck Norris style roundhouse kick, but Beato raised a goat just in time to take the brunt of Kirei's attack.

"HA!" Beatrice whipped out her shotgun and tried to blast a hole in Kirei's chest, but the man managed to deflect the blow by using up one of his stockpiled command scrolls.

"Hmph!" Kirei grunted as he wave-dashed back to solid ground, letting Spy Fox take his place in the ring.

"Now it's my turn!" shouted Spy Fox as he leapt forth from the shadows, with a shoe on his face and a combination lightsaber-laser-toothbrush raised up high. When he brought the toothbrush to bear, blonde-bitch blocked it with her red laser sword, and then used her teleport hax to get herself back onto the ground above, where her soldiers, pyros, and snipers could provide her with covering fire.

However, Spy Fox wasn't called fast for nothing, as he quickly pursued the fleeing enemy with a series of swift strikes. "Well, young lady, it looks like you could use a new dental plan. With those sharp teeth of yours, it looks like you've got quite a few cavities."

But before he could continue his assault, Wolf O'Donnell grabbed him by the shoulder, "Can't let you do that, Spy Fox!"

"Oh? And why is that?"

"It's because you don't have a proper medical license. Let me handle things from here."

"Well," remarked Spy Fox, "I guess my job here is done."

By this point, the rest of us had nearly gotten to the top, and Weiss's dust cartridges were nearly about to go empty, considering how many glyphs she made today. Most of Beatrice's goons were too busy playing Go Fish or trying to form a Conga line. Those who did notice weren't able to do much, considering they didn't have enough firepower to punch through my umbrella or Pyrrha's shield. I didn't really want to bother them, since it looked like they were having a good time.

The witch tried distancing herself from Wolf's rapid claw attacks and tried using her shotgun on him, but Wolf simply used is deflector shields to return the attack right back at her, forcing her to use her cheesy-ass butterfly move again.

"What are you imbeciles doing?" Beatrice shouted to the RED and BLU armies, "Eliminate them!"

Well, it looked like our time was up. Almost all of the soldiers and pyros who weren't preoccupied with Conga dancing turned right toward us, readying their weapons.

"Huh?" said Ruby, just waking back up. "What happened?"

"We've got trouble," Pyrrha said as she ducked behind her shield.

Soon, we were being hit with rockets, shotgun shells, sniper rounds, and flares as the RED and BLU armies descended on us. Luckily, I was able to use my insane Batman reflexes to dodge most of the bullets and block the rest with my umbrella, but then they started sending the pyros in. Now, I may be one badass motherfucking private-eye detective, but not even Superman can dodge fire if it gets too close.

"Alright," shouted Weiss, "let's try making a run for it!"

But before we could make our rapid dash, the ground shook, sending almost everyone falling to the ground. Putt-Putt had finally escaped from the pit and had landed on the grass right next to us.

"Don't worry guys," Putt-Putt said, "we've got your back."

"There's no way we're backing down from this!" said Pajama Sam, now wearing a pair of sunglasses. The brown mutt sitting in the back seat barked at us.

Ruby then leaped out from Pyrrha's arms and said, "Alright team, let's beat these goons!"

Pyrrha raised her spear up high and shouted, "DEMACIA!" before launching it right through the thick crowd.

"HIYA!" Ruby yelled as she sped up right toward RED's front line. Weiss, The King and I were soon behind them, watching as the two of them began clearing a path for us.

"Well what are you waiting for, you spineless maggots?" said one of the BLU soldiers. "GET THEM!"

A few of the soldiers right next to him tooted their war horns, and soon the others were surrounding us like a pack of wild zerglings. With every shot she took, Pyrrha skewered five goons with her spear, but more just kept on coming.

Shortly after our little advance, Putt-Putt drove straight into the crowd. "Here goes nothing!"

A few rockets landed near him, but luckily his reinforced tires managed to absorb most of the damage. Now that the purple car was in control, Pajama Sam brought out the iron pickaxe he got when he played Minecraft with the Achievement Hunter crew and started driving it into everyone's fragile skulls.

"Good golly!" said Putt-Putt. "There's so goddamn many of them!" It wasn't too hard to see why. For every one we killed, one more would just come back at spawn, wherever that was.

We just needed to start killing them faster.

"Hmm…" muttered King Harkinian, "seeing how slow this gun is, maybe I should start using my fists instead."

Once we got about a quarter of the way into the swarm, a lightbulb flashed above Pajama Sam's head. "I've got it! Putt-Putt, hold onto this!"

The purple car's antenna grasped the pickaxe out of Pajama Sam's hands as he bent over to reach something out of the glove compartment.

A magnet.

"Here goes nothing!" Pajama Sam held his magnet out of the car and then aimed it into the crowd.

"Are you sure that's how magnets work?" asked Putt-Putt.

"The hell if I know! It's worth a shot, right?"

Only a second later, the red horseshoe of a magnet latched onto a stock rocket launcher from the arms of a BLU soldier.

"Hell yeah! Now it's time for you to have a taste of your own medicine!"

 _ **-FSHOO!-FSHOO!-FSHOO!-FSHOO!-**_

"GO PAJAMA SAM! YOU CAN DO IT!" shouted Ruby as she paused to cheer on her teammates.

We were starting to make quick work of the two armies, even though we were vastly outnumbered. Even though they all had basic military training, none of them had the right skills to take on a team of heroes like us.

It was good to be one of the good guys for once.

"AHHHHHH!"

Back on the other side of the pit, Beatrice zipping across the air as she tried to avoid being triple teamed by Kirei, Wolf, and Spy Fox all at once. I don't know how I was able to hear them from over a hundred yards away, but let's just say that being a private detective for a living gives me a cleaner perspective on things.

"Hey, Spy Fox!" shouted Wolf.

"You rang, lover-boy?"

"Let's bring out our heavy weapons."

"Sure thing!"

"Alright, let's do this! LANDMASTER!"

Right then, Wolf O'Donnell shot up straight into the air, and a sleek laser tank came falling down from the sky, even though I couldn't see whatever ship Star Wolf uses for their base-to-base operations. Soon after, Spy Fox pulled out one of his trusty pens, which transformed into an inflatable tank.

"What?" shouted Beatrice. "But… Grrr… I'll finish you once and for all!"

Once more, the witch called out for her heavy machine gun towers, only this time there were four of them instead of just one.

"GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You can never hope to break through the invincible formation of my Shoulder War Towers! There is no end to my magic you degenerate fools! FUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Don't get so cocky, witch!" said Wolf from inside his custom Landmaster.

"The good guys always win!" Spy Fox added.

"I've had enough of this banter. FIRE AWAY!"

All four of Beatrice's towers began blazing their trail of minigun fire, but almost every bullet simply bounced off the reinforced hulls of Wolf and Spy Fox's tanks.

As all this was happening, Kirei Kotomine simply turned around and placed his hands in pockets like one cool motherfucker. "Hmph. It looks like those two fools have got this under control."

 _ **-BOOSH!-BOOSH!-**_

Both Spy Fox and Wolf crashed right through Beato's first two machine gun towers with not a single scratch on them.

"Wha… No way! That's impossible! They broke through the first line!" The witch then brought her free hand up to her mouth and whistled.

Even though many of them were busy getting their asses kicked by us, many of the RED and BLU soldiers turned around to see the ensuing carnage on the other side of the battlefield. "Oh crap!" one of them said, "They've got tanks!"

"Tanks?" said Ruby, standing just a few feet in front of me, "Where? Whe… Holy shit! We've got tanks!"

Weiss turned around as well. "Great dust, these battles are getting more and more ridiculous by the minute!"

As I stood where I was, casually deflecting rockets and gunfire with the flick of my wrist, I couldn't help but find some truth to the heiress's statement. I might have it better than others, since I'm Batman and Spiderman and Dr. Octagonopolous-man and Fluttershy all rolled into one, but sometimes I find myself growing increasingly irrelevant to the grand scheme of things as time goes on. Even though Weiss, Ruby, and I are supposed to be the stars of the show, I can't help but feel that we are nothing more than mere fishies swimming in a larger sea of legends.

Wolf and Spy Fox continued their rocky charge, driving straight through the two remaining machine gun towers.

"Impossible…" The piss-haired witch looked absolutely devastated, forced to watch as her best attacks did nothing against the tag-team duo of professional space furries.

The bulk of RED and BLU marched toward the pair of heavy tanks in a last ditch effort to save their leader, and all those who were left behind fell into complete disarray and panic.

"Help! Help! Somebody help!" shouted one of the Australian Faze Clan snipers as he fired from his submachine gun in panic.

"We've got this team!" shouted Ruby.

As Wolf and Spy Fox's tanks aimed their turrets up at Beatrice while driving at sixty miles-per-hour, Spy Fox stood out of his hatch and pointed his finger at her, "It's time you got served your just…"

Just then, a flash of light shot down from out of the sky and plunged right into Spy Fox's tank.

"What the…"

 _ **-KABOOM!-**_

Spy Fox's tank soon succumbed to a fiery explosion, and Wolf's tank soon followed suit. Luckily, the ejector seats shot them out just in time, and now they were gliding up a hundred feet in the air.

"Excellent…" Seeing her opportunity, Beatrice's face contorted into the kind of shit-eating grin you get when you want to shove your smelly ass-cheeks into your someone's face, especially the kind of man you want to have rough sex with after eating burritos made out of rotten flesh. The withc swooped in close, and then shot Spy Fox in the chest.

"Ow!" said Spy Fox, grasping his chest in pain. "You should be careful with that, lady! Guns are not toys you know! They could really hurt people!"

"Oh, really? Boy, do you have any idea who I am? I _live_ off the pain and suffering of others! There is no higher form of entertainment than watching pathetic weaklings like you writhe and struggle to my endless torment! Don't you seeee? There is no hope for you, SPY FOX!"

Before Spy Fox could whip out his laser toothbrush, Beatrice swapped her gun for a ritual stake, and then drove it hard into his forehead.

"I AM THE CRUELEST OF ALL WITCHES! UAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Spy Fox," shouted Pajama Sam, "Noooo!"

While the witch was distracted, Wolf cut off the strings to his parachute, and then wave-dashed to the ground.

As tears formed in his eyes, Wolf took off his eye-scanner, and crunched it in his hands. "You… you insolent wretch! I shall avenge my fallen comrade now that you've defiled him with your foul witchcraft!"

"Oh? And what are you going to do about it, eh? What can someone so lowly and..."

"Enough of this charade!"

A new voice boomed out from the skies above, and a gold-plated spaceship descended from the clouds.

"Oh shit! It's Gilgamesh!" exclaimed Ruby, flailing her arms like a muppet. "And he's got his super-powerful ultimate Gay Bulge attack!"

As he spoke, the King of Kings maintained an upright posture. "So-called Endless Witch, you are to return to Nora Valkyrie's at once. The RED and BLU companies shall be returned to General Swain's control."

"But, your magnificence, now that you are here, we have these pesky fools right where we want them! Why don't we just…"

"I've had enough of your blathering! Do you think I enjoy being summoned into these pointless and reckless engagements? This petty squabble does not befit a King of Kings such as I!"

"But… grrr… very well then! RED, BLU, we are falling back!"

Gilgamesh turned his head and addressed us from his high perch. "Younger Schnee, consider yourself lucky today. Were it not for my master's orders, I would erase you and your companions for the filthy vermin that you are. Pray that I should never need to bring out my treasury against your lot ever again."

Just as Gilgamesh's ship began to turn back, the servant turned his head briefly, letting out a sudden grin before muttering something to himself.

It took a while for Nora's goons to get the hell out of dodge, but once they were gone, the rest of us gathered for a team meeting, with the exception of Wolf, Pajama Sam, and Putt-Putt, who were still sobbing over Spy Fox's dead body.

"Are they going to be alright?" asked Pyrrha.

Kirei briefly turned to the companions that had accompanied him, "We are deeply sorrowful for Spy Fox's death, that is true, but with enough time those three will eventually overcome their grief. He is in a better place now."

Weiss turned briefly to face her Spartan companion, "Yeah, we kinda lost someone too."

"And others," said Ruby as she glanced to the side.

Kirei stepped forth, and placed his hands on the two girls' shoulders. "I am sorry for your loss."

I felt like asking the false priest why he and his goon squad had come to save us, but Weiss beat me to the punch. "So why did you help us out, anyway?"

Kirei stepped back and knelt to the ground, "I apologize if I have not had the time to introduce myself. I am called Kirei Kotomine, though my name is of no great importance. I am nothing more than a humble priest and servant to the great Lord Disney."

"You mean like the guy who owns Disney World?" inquired Ruby.

"Your mind is quick, young maiden. When we learned of your war against Nora Valkyrie the vampire, my master sent me and my companions to aid you. As you have already seen, Nora has already recruited the services of Gilgamesh, the most powerful of Heroic Servants."

"Well, I guess we do owe you guys one for helping us out back there," said Weiss.

King Harkinian stepped forward. "So, does this mean that you four will accompany us on our journey?"

"Not quite," said Kirei. "Lord Disney may require other services of me, far from the likes of where you may be traveling. However, there may be other ways in which we can help you."

"Like how?" asked Ruby.

"Though I may be a neutral arbitrator in this conflict, I can teach you the skills necessary to summon a Heroic Servant of your own. Observe."

Kirei then reached inside his dark long-coat and pulled out a large, purple, triangular judge's cap. Inside was a long lock of black hair, once belonging to a maiden fair.

"While these objects will not summon a servant on the same level as Gilgamesh or Arturia, they should still suit your purpose." Kirei then extended the cap out to Weiss. "Merry Christmas, Miss Schnee."

Weiss readily accepted the cap, fingering through the locks of hair inside, "Oh, uh… why thank you, Mr. Kotomine. This hair, it's almost a soft as Ruby's." After watching Weiss and Ruby admire their new present, I turned my head back at the false priest, waiting for additional answers.

Once he was a few steps away, Kirei turned to us, motioning his hand for us to follow. "Come, we must begin the ritual at once."


	15. Intermission 4: Prelude to Strife

"Hot damn, that was quite a haul we had there today!"

As soon as the door was open, Roman strode with great swagger toward the safe in his room, furnished much like one would expect from a four-star hotel. He quickly typed in the five-digit combination, and threw his earning in.

Almost immediately, Roman's scroll began to buzz.

"Well, great, I wonder who that could be?" It was probably Emerald trying to chastise him for sneaking away some spare dust from the company's collection.

He brought out the scroll from his suit pocket and then opened it.

" _Heeeeeeeey there…"_

"Nope!" Roman instantly snapped it shut and then tossed it onto his bed.

Cardin Winchester glanced at Roman shortly after setting his duffel bag down. "Her again?"

"I just got this scroll yesterday! How the fuck did she know how to get a hold of me?"

Cardin dropped onto the bed, and gave Roman an _Isn_ _'t it obvious?_ sort of look.

 _Emerald. It was probably Emerald._

"So," said Cardin, "when do you think we'll get some real action, eh boss?"

Roman shrugged. "The hell if I know."

So far, Nora had been sending his group on supply raids to acquire resources for company operations while Swain's company handled things on the front lines. The shapely criminal didn't really mind all that much, since that would mean he would never have to face Neo, but considering he had actually faced Weiss and her lot, he couldn't see why Nora and her executives haven't sought his advice.

"What, high-profile Dust raids aren't enough for ya?" Roman said after pacing around the room for a few seconds.

"The police can't do jack shit in this city. I didn't train to be a hunter to steal from wrinkly old geezers."

"Well," said Roman, now walking toward the window. "I've always preferred to walk the easy road in life, but I guess I can see where you're coming from."

Roman looked down at the streets below. Living on the thirty-second floor of the company building, Roman and Cardin were high enough to see all the way into Vale's southern districts yet low enough such that the clouds didn't obscure the view. Luckily, there weren't any over-sized war mechs or floating fortresses on this side of the tower to obscure the view. Even though it was rush hour, there weren't all that many cars in sight or people walking from here to there. Ever since the start of the Cataclysm, people had been more cautious about traveling out in the open. The ruined skyscrapers, the gang wars, and the omnipresent stench that hung over the city were all symptoms of that catastrophe, though Roman couldn't quite place his fingers on what exactly had happened to cause the chain of events leading up to the present day.

Cardin interrupted his train of thought, "You hear anything from the front?"

The smooth criminal turned around, took a cigarette out of his suit pocket and began to smoke it, even though there was a smoke detector in the room, "Last I heard, Weiss and her crew were headed to Sparta. I don't know all the details, but we managed to slip in a few of our agents. Long story short, we've now got control of the Jackie Chan dojo along with a fully-blown, flying aircraft carrier. Oh, and Yang's dead."

"Sounds like good news for us. You hear this from Nora?" asked Cardin.

Roman merely cringed at the remark.

"Right." As Roman paced around once more, Cardin stood back up. "I feel like having some chow right now. Wanna go eat?"

"Eh, sure." Roman wasn't really all that hungry, but it was getting close to dinnertime anyway.

Just then, the ceiling crashed down from above them, and Salt Peters landed right between the two beds.

Roman winced. _Jesus, just how many corners did they cut when designing this place?_

Mr. Peters's hand waved from the rubble, "Hi guys!"

"Jesus, why couldn't you have just used the door?"

"I wanted to go in the super-special way! That's what friends are for, right?"

Cardin was dumbstruck. "Uh… So, do you want to come with us?"

"Okay! But, uh… could you guys help me out here?"

* * *

"Well, anyway Mr. Torchwick, thanks again for taking us out for hoagies!"

"Anytime 21, anytime!" Roman said as he spun around, took off his hat, and bowed.

"Yeah," said Stewie, waddling along on the pavement next to them, "I was getting sick of those stupid pancakes anyway."

"I know right?" said 21. "Our corporate rations consist of nothing but pancakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They don't even give us anything to drink except for fucking pancake batter! Ugh!"

"Yup," said Cardin, "that sounds like Nora Valkyrie for ya."

"Hell, if they don't start giving us some real food, I'm going to organize a coup!" The minion then turned to Torchwick and Stewie Griffin. "Speaking of which, aren't you guys supposed to be our managers or something?"

"Sort of?" Roman replied. Though, truth be told, it was more that Nora just told everyone what to do while everyone else just did that out of fear of getting their heads chopped off. Especially with regard to pancakes.

"Oh for Christ's sake," said Stewie, "ever since that pancake-obsessed broad sent her little pets to take care of Weiss Sneeze or whatever the fuck her name is, we haven't gotten anything done! It's soooo boring in there, and half the time it smells like someone's smoking pot. Ugh… at least I get paid for this."

Salt Peters walked up to the baby and then knelt down, "Would you like a potato chip Mr. Cute-wittle baby?"

"Don't even think about trying that stupid baby talk on me." Regardless, Stewie jumped up and snatched the bag of Doritos from Salt's hand.

By that time, the five of them were back at the corporate headquarters passing through the rotating door frame.

And then, Roman saw a dark figure standing right by the entrance.

"Ah, Mister er… General Swain, I didn't expect to see you back this early. What a surprise!"

The somewhat elderly looking man stepped forward. "Mister Torchwick, may I speak with you for a moment?"

"Right, sure." Roman turned to his four companions, "You guys go on ahead. The two of us might be a bit busy for a while."

The smooth criminal gave them a wink and a thumbs up. Cardin returned the gesture.

Once the four of them had checked in with Barney, Roman turned back to the general, "So, what's this all about?"

"Come with me."

Roman went forward to hold the door open as the older man strut through, each of his steps punctuated by the clack of his cane. The criminal mastermind followed Swain counterclockwise around the building until they stopped in front of an old, black-painted Model-T Ford hugging right against the curb.

"Dayyum pops, that is one hell of an old car."

"Get in," grunted Swain.

Roman leaped into the shotgun seat as Swain looped around to the other side. The crow that was resting on his shoulder swooped up to perch onto one of the sixth story windows. Once the general got the engine up to gear, the car jumped for a second, and then began to sputter along the road.

After about four minutes of driving, Swain spoke up. "How much do you know about what's happening on the front?"

"You mean the like new outpost and ship?" responded Torchwick.

"Precisely, though you're a bit behind on some parts. By the way, what happened with your scroll? I tried contacting you earlier but apparently your number no longer exists."

"Uh… It kinda got scrapped." Though, he didn't want to say it was because some psycho chick kept spamming messages into his inbox. _Seriously though, how the fuck did she come up with the nickname_ _'Battler-kun' anyway?_ "But I did get my hands on a new one."

"You won't need one for where we're going. For now, it's better that you don't have one."

The car suddenly stopped, and Roman bounced in his seat as the seat belt tugged him back.

"Great," muttered Swain.

As the two of them sat waiting for the light to turn green, a trio of teenage boys strut across the sidewalk and circled around to the driver's window. The short one, sporting a baggy white suit fitting for a pimp and rose-tinted sunglasses, reached up and knocked on the window, holding a donation jar that was clearly wrapped in soggy old newspapers in his other hand. He knocked, and then he knocked again.

After about the fifth or sixth knock, Swain finally pulled down the window, providing Roman with a clearer look of the boy and his two larger companions. "May I help you?"

The short one, presumably their leader, took off his sunglasses and pocketed them. As he leaned over into the window, a sleazy grin formed on his broad, slimy face, much like what one would expect from a used-car salesman. "Why yes, good sir. Have either of you two good-looking fellas ever thought 'Man, I really wish I could go into space right now?' Well look no further! You see, the three of us represent Vale's new Space Program, here to provide for your space-faring needs!"

As the boy spoke, Roman couldn't help but notice the tall one, who was dressed much more casually than his companions, run back and forth on the street while muttering something about chickens and gravy.

The average sized one, wearing a skinny black business suit and a long, shining black cap, raised up his hand in protest, "Uh, Eddy, are you sure it's a good idea to be pestering these men?"

The short one swept back the sole three hairs on the back of his head in a single graceful stroke. "Relax, Double-D, I've got this all under control." He turned back to address Swain. "So, for this once-in-a-lifetime deal, you too can have a spaceship of your very own! We'll have your goods shipped within three weeks, all for the low cost of a single quarter! So, what will it be, gentlemen?" Eddy then leaned in close, holding the jar right in Swain's face. "Don't you wanna have a ride on the Space train?"

"Choo! Choo! I am a Tweety-bird! Hear me roar! Duh huh huh huh!" yelled the taller boy, who started slamming his face into the concrete shortly after. Roman couldn't help but cringe, especially with the way the boy was laughing during all this. He had to have one helluva strong aura to withstand blows like that.

The boy in the white suit maintained his unwholesome gaze upon the man sitting in the driver's seat, raising his eyebrows every other second. It wasn't Neo levels of creepy, but Roman still would've preferred not to look at his face, especially with his bizarre hairstyle.

Roman quickly pulled out some spare change and threw it out the window, "Heads up!"

Eddy jumped away from the window, plunging toward the pavement, "Money! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!"

At about the same, the taller boy jumped toward the coins as well, "Chickens!"

Roman gestured his fingers forward, "Let's get the hell out of here!"

Now that the boys were no longer bothering them, and now that the light was green, Swain plunged his foot into the accelerator and drove off, the car leaving a thick trail of black smoke.

Once they were in the clear, Roman took out a cigar and began smoking it.

"What on earth happened back there?" Swain remarked, still facing forward.

"The hell if I know. Let's see if we can hit a red light district or something, okay?"

"Ugh… This is going to be a long night, isn't it?"

* * *

After Roman Torchwick had blown over half his wallet on dancing strippers, the two men had finally arrived at Swain's old office building at the other end of town. The space had about the same level of decor as Nora's corporate headquarters, except this place was only thirty stories tall as opposed to two-hundred-and-seven.

The numeric display dinged with each floor the elevator passed, until it had finally reached the final floor. Four seconds passed, and then the elevator doors opened up into Swain's penthouse suite.

"Nice place you've got here," said Roman as he paced into the room.

Complete with windows on all sides, a marble-top table flanked by low-resting couches, and a large, open-top piano, the place wasn't too half shabby.

As Swain moved into a small kitchen area, the crow sitting on his shoulder swooped up onto a hooked perch lying above the main living room area. The handsome criminal couldn't help but watch as the old man poured out two glasses of Old Crow.

Though after a few seconds, Roman wandered over to the back right side of the main room, which had a number of odd trinkets and dusty old photo frames. A few of them pictured the old general back when he had served in the Noxian military. Others featured him standing with some stick-man or an Arctic bird.

However, one picture in particular caught Roman's eye.

"Huh," said Roman, "can't believe you worked with Qrow Branwen."

"Do you always nose around in peoples' business when they invite you over to visit?" Roman turned around to see Swain holding out a glass of bourbon.

The dashing criminal readily accepted the offer, "Eh… I guess you could call it a detective's instinct."

"I wasn't aware you worked with law enforcement in the past."

Roman let out an awkward laugh, glancing over to the side, "It's more of a hobby than anything else." _It_ _'s not like I ever wanted to get into the business of being a private detective._

Roman took a quick gulp of his drink. "Well, anyway, I can't say I don't appreciate the hospitality. So how do you know Qrow anyway?"

"The two of us served in Libya together. Back then, there was nothing better than roasting some freshly skewered Kebab on the grill, especially when it was cold out. He was a good man, if a bit juvenile."

"I know, right? Who the hell names their scythe 'Sex Butt' anyway?" Though, if what Roman had heard was true, Ruby Rose had named her weapon something equally as vulgar. "Anyway, what exactly did you call me over here for?"

Swain moved over toward one of the windows, looking down at the lit city streets below. "Tell me, Mr. Torchwick, what do you think of this little venture of ours?"

"This place? Well, I certainly wouldn't mind living here myself."

"I mean this whole business venture. The greatest minds in all of Remnant gathered here in this very city just to pester some downtrodden rich girl, all because she stole someone else's breakfast. It's all very pointless if you ask me!"

"I suppose so?" Roman couldn't help but agree with what the old man was saying. But then again, he was getting paid for supporting Nora Valkyrie in her petty quest of revenge, and he was pretty much safe from Neo, so that was also a plus.

"Nora already possesses the resources to dispatch of Weiss right now, yet why does she not simply give the order? If I had that position of power for myself, I would not make such careless blunders."

Roman took another sip from his glass. "And... why are you telling me all this?"

"Tell me, Mr. Torchwick, are you actually content with mindless drudgery and eating nothing but pancakes day and night?"

"Well, it's not the best of situations, but at least I'm not living in some cramped apartment! Anyway, isn't this conversation getting kinda dangerous?"

The older man let out a strained sigh. "I understand if you might have some reservations about what I have to say. If that is so, you may feel free to leave this place." Despite the man's rather imposing appearance, there seemed to be a hint of disappointment in his voice as he lazily gestured to the entrance.

"Hey, hey, no worries! I'm a cool guy! If you've got something interesting to say, I might listen."

"Thank you, Mr. Torchwick." The general began to pace back and forth. "So, are there any sort of changes would you like to see in this company?"

"Well," said Roman as he bounced onto one of the couches nearby, "I'd like it if I wasn't sexually harassed every day for once."

Swain clasped his hands together. "Go on."

Roman began to stretch out on the cushions, keeping his glass held above him. "Restraining orders would be nice, especially ones that actually work. The cops can't do jack shit in this city. Hell those people from the States are doing a better job than Vale's police force. Oh, and do something about the pancakes! Everyone's sick of those pancakes already."

"I'll keep those things in mind. So can I trust your cooperation in the future?"

"As long it doesn't involve me getting killed or meeting up with one of my exes, sure!"

"Good," Swain took a seat on the couch opposite of Roman. "Now, might I ask something of you."

The dashing criminal lifted himself back up from his reclining position, "Like what?"

"You are familiar with the _Fate/stay night_ series, correct?"

"Sorta." In all honesty, Roman had only seen a few episodes from the various anime DVD sets, including the Director's Cut edition which featured Shrek and Donkey having a three-way with Archer. Getting his hands on the original Blu-ray edition was far too risky, even for a professional criminal like him.

"The only reason Nora still maintains a stranglehold on this company is because of Gilgamesh. I don't know how she managed to get her hands on a servant of that quality, but as long as he remains under her control, there is little we can do, even considering the reduced capabilities of Heroic Spirits in this world."

"You want me to do something about it? I'm not exactly what you'd call the best at fighting."

"That won't be necessary, Mr. Torchwick. I have other tasks in mind." The general stood up, grabbing hold of his cane with both hands. "As Nora's front line commander, I am a very busy man, and as such, I cannot be everywhere at once. For your task, I need you to track down the components necessary for summoning Saber and bind her to your service."

Roman put down his glass and began taking out a cigarette. "Wouldn't it be better if we looked for Shirou or something?"

"I've tried that already. There aren't any records of him on the system. Besides, we might be able to make use of Saber's anti-magic capabilities."

Swain then circled around the table, and then reached his hand out to the red-headed criminal. "Now, before we get into the finer details, do I have your full cooperation?"

Roman reflected on Swain's offer, still a bit tipsy, but ultimately decided that their interests coincided for the time being. "Eh, I could use a break from this city anyway."

"I assure that you will be rewarded for your assistance." The old man turned around, stepping toward the window once more. "I have prepared a base from which you can operate along the Spartan border. You will be leaving by tomorrow afternoon. I would suggest that you gather up your things in the morning, along with anyone in your division who you can trust. Now, before I retrieve the necessary documents, do you have any further questions?"

* * *

 **A/N: Well, I've somehow managed to work the Eds into this trainwreck of a story. I consider this a mission accomplished. Anyway, I hope y'all are still following this story! Be sure to subscribe and leave comments and stuff!**


	16. Intermission 5: A Song of Ice and Fire

**A/N: Hello everyone. This chapter is kinda short since there weren't that many convoluted fight scenes to write. Anyway, I hope y'all still like it. Cheers!**

* * *

Everything had been prepared.

Weiss, Ruby, and Kirei stood just on the edge of the summoning circle, traced out with a fine, reddish powder. Neo and Pyrrha were standing guard up top, while everyone else was either exploring the rest of the abandoned fortress or trying to map out a route to their next destination.

The circle itself, resting upon a thin layer of parchment, bore a curving, cross-like design in its center, with only the eight torches at the edge of the room providing any illumination. The artifacts to be used for calling the servant, the cap and the lock of hair, sat right at the center, with a number of runic inscriptions forming an inner circle around it.

Kirei, the tall, imposing figure of a man, turned towards Weiss and then approached her, "Are you ready for this, Miss Schnee?"

In her own heart, Weiss couldn't say for sure how truly ready she was for this so-called ceremony. Already, the former heiress had seen so much general insanity that she could do nothing but accept her task. Had Remnant always been filled with so much insanity, from Heroic Spirits to Stands and magic that blatantly contradicted the laws of reality as she understood it? Now that she was beginning to escape her own addictions, was she now seeing the world for what it really was?

Either way, Weiss nodded at the priest's request.

"Good," said Kirei, who then began to pull out a thin, crumpled leaflet of what appeared to be musical scores. "Recite what is written here, and thus shall we begin the ceremony."

Weiss took the leaflet from the man's hands, and then began to look it over. She could feel Ruby's gaze peering from over her shoulder, along with her firm, perky breasts.

The pages began to crumple in her grasp. _Stupid_ _…stupid…stupid…stupid!_

Weiss immediately pulled the pages away from her partner, and then walked to a spot where she could be by herself.

"Weiss," she heard her partner say from behind her, "can't I just have a look?"

"No, you stupid dunce!" Weiss felt herself growing tense, almost ready to smack Ruby in the face.

"But… why not? We're teammates right?"

"Just… ugh! You can have a look at it later." Weiss couldn't let her teammate know just how she thought about her, or how frequently she masturbated to the pictures of Ruby she collected on her scroll. No, she could never let her teammate know anything about that.

Weiss began reading through the lyrics on the sheet as Kirei moved to light the candles on the edge of the circle. Whoever wrote this song was clearly a man of religious persuasion, judging by the symbolism and language used. In it, a man expressed his forbidden love for a woman, yet also harbored conflicting feelings for her. Even though they were nothing more than words on a page, something about the song spoke true to Weiss's heart.

Weiss looked up from the pages, "Mr. Kotomine, do you know who wrote this?"

"Yes indeed." Kirei began circling clockwise around the room, maintaining his upright poise. "The man who composed these lyrics was a saint of great renown, who once served in the court of Frederick Barbarossa. A man of great virtue, wrongly accused of witchcraft by the council of the ancient Indian chiefs. We folks at Disney have written down what he has said over the course of his life, preserving these secrets from generation to generation. What you see on those pages are the priest's very own words."

Weiss looked at the leaflets once again. Even though this song had been written in ancient, ancient times, she could still feel a lingering sense of oneness with its contents.

"I'm sure he'll make an excellent servant." The heiress could feel the priest's eyes upon her. "May we begin?"

Weiss nodded. _Well, here goes nothing._

The heiress held the music sheets out in front, and began reciting their arcane lyrics. The words flowed out of her mouth, and the soft tenor of her voice echoed throughout the room. Even though Weiss could not match the low baritone the score demanded of her, she could still evoke the ritual's deep, welling passion.

The dust lying on the ground began to light up as Kirei set it afire. With Weiss's words circling through the air, the summoning circle began to shine a deep, purplish glow. Kirei could not help but smile, seeing his master's work come to fruition.

Not everyone, however, was comforted by the ritual's progression. While Kirei and Weiss were distracted, Ruby began making her way towards the door, leading back into the main stairwell. She didn't really mind the spooky violet glow coming out from the satanic ring, as she could simply beat up whatever came out of it with her Big Dick.

No, what really troubled her was just how… _entranced_ her partner seemed.

Ruby knew the song wasn't referring to herself in any way, shape, or form, seeing as it was written back in the time of the ancient Indian chiefs, but with the way Weiss fluctuated her voice with the tune, it may have just as well been about her. The heiress clutched and grabbed hold of herself, even touching herself in her no-no parts as the pages fell into the fire. For the first time in her life, Ruby saw the true extent of Weiss's deep, dormant lust for her.

It terrified her.

"Weiss?" Ruby tried to say, now standing just outside the door. Yet the words would not come out of her mouth, as they were drowned within the sea of her partner's voice and ghosts circling overhead.

Only a few minutes had passed, but to the twenty-one year old scythe master, it seemed like an eternity.

And then, came a blinding flash of light.

Ruby quickly closed the door behind her, looking back at the moonlit sky. Perhaps she could find one of the others, to keep her mind off the disturbing events she had just witnessed.

Ruby slid down the door, careful not to let her shoes fall into the pit just a few feet ahead. Even though Weiss was her friend and teammate, Ruby had never imagined that she harbored such intense feelings for her.

 _Weiss_ _…_

A few seconds later, Ruby saw The King ascending up a pulley-operated lift scrapped together from the various parts they found in the fortress. A wide, thick scroll was strapped to his side, its glowing red seal fresh off the platter.

Once he was on Ruby's level, King Harkinian stepped off the lift, careful to watch his step.

"How goes the ritual, Miss Rose?" he said.

"Uh… I dunno. I kinda stepped out cause it looked kinda creepy."

"What? A little magic is too much for you?"

"It's just…"

The door behind her opened, and then she heard Kirei's voice, "It is safe to come back in now, Ruby." The scythe-user almost jumped, but managed to control herself so she wouldn't fall off the edge.

The King tapped the scroll on his hip, "I have prepared the map for our next destination."

"Excellent. Now, come on in, you two. You may find the results of our summoning… most interesting."

Ruby and King Harkinian followed the false priest back into the room. Right in its center stood an elderly looking man, wearing the cap from before, dressed in black robes. A glowing Valyrian steel sword sat on the stone beside him, on top of the now burnt traces of dust.

"No way…" said Ruby.

The King dropped onto his knees, letting the gun strapped to his back clang on the ground, "Minister Frollo…" He then turned to Kirei. "Just… what is this sorcery?"

The man merely chuckled at The King's remark, "It's quite simple, your majesty. As you may know, the Holy Grail is an artifact with great magical powers, capable of granting the user their innermost desires. Naturally, we folks at Disney could not let something with such great magical potential remain solely in the hands of the general public. Already, five of the seven Heroic Spirits have been summoned to participate in the Holy Grail War: Archer, Lancer, Rider, Berserker, and Assassin.

"As you can see, that leaves only limited time for us to work, with there only being two servants left. But that is no longer the case. You see, we folks at Disney have managed to replicate the magic of the Holy Grail, with a few tweaks here and there. Now that we have created our own Disney Grail, there are now fourteen Heroic Spirits in the running as opposed to seven, or so my master would believe."

"So, are you saying that Minister Frollo is indeed one of these so-called servants?" asked The King.

"That would be correct."

Ruby looked over to where Frollo and Weiss were standing, discussing between themselves and practicing their own swordsmanship.

"You see," Kirei continued, "the judge was simply a test to see whether or not our magic was successful. We figured that the heiress would make a good host for him, considering how similar they are in nature."

"It seems you have been largely successful, Mr. Kotomine. I never would have expected a man such as Frollo would have been qualified for such a role."

Kirei bowed. "Anything is possible at Disney."

At about this time, Weiss and Judge Frollo turned to face the newcomers. While Weiss approached the group with casual indifference, the priest immediately made his way towards Ruby, a dark smile on his face.

As he came close, the judge removed his cap and made a slight bow. "Greetings, young maiden. To whom do I owe the pleasure of introducing myself?"

"It's… Ruby, Ruby Rose."

Before the scythe-wielder could step back, Frollo took her right arm into his bony hands, and then kissed the back of her right hand. "Miss Rose, what a wonderful name for such a wonderful child as you. Though I might be known by other names, I am now called Saber, bound to Miss Schnee's services."

Weiss immediately stepped between them and pried Frollo's arms off her partner. "Hands off, you dolt!" From where she was standing, Ruby could now see several bluish marks on the back of the heiress's hand. Weiss turned back to the rest of the group. "Now, don't we have some business to take care of?"

As Kirei went off to gather everyone else, The King brought out his map and discussed his plans with Frollo and the two girls. Even though Ruby was still uncomfortable with Weiss's newfound feelings for her, she was still glad that her partner had defended her from that creepy old man.

* * *

 _ **-Knock!-Knock!-Knock!-**_

Melanie jumped up from the cover-less bed at the sound.

"Who in the world could that be?"

As she stood up, Mel scratched at the bedbug-induced welts all over her body. Even though Bowser and Kammy had cleansed the apartment when they moved in, the damn bugs were all over the place. They were just lucky the whole place hadn't burned down in the process.

 _If only Ironwood_ _'s goons hadn't found us, we wouldn't be in this mess._

As she made her way for the door to the main hallway, Mel glanced at the clock on the worn-down microwave in the cramped kitchen quarters, which also had roaches skittering across the counter. _2:18 AM._

Who the hell could be up this late?

 _ **-Knock!-Knock!-Knock!-**_

Melanie could vaguely make out high pitched squealing coming from the other side of the door as it shook, "Ring, ring, ring, motherfuckers! I know you're in there, so why don't you answer the door so I can _DRIVE MY SWORD INTO YOUR WHORISH, DISEASE-RIDDEN BOWELS!"_

That couldn't be good.

 _ **-Knock!-Knock!-Knock!-**_

Melanie was about to step back to wake up the others, but then she saw her sister stepping from out of the bedroom, "Mel, what's going on?"

Mel tried to motion her sister to be quiet, but then she was interrupted by the knocking once more.

"I know you're in there, motherfuckers! I can taste the fear on your luscious lips! _COME OUT! COME OUT AND PLAY, MOTHERFUCKERS! EHEHAHAHAHAHAHA!_ _"_

As the Malachite sisters stood speechless against the insane old man's hysterical, high-pitched laughter, a sharp, oily blade, much like the kind worn by the guards in the Aladdin movies, crashed in through the door.

"I'LL HUFF, AND I'll PUFF, AND I'll FEED YOUR FLESH AND BONES TO THE HOUSE RATS DOWN THE STREET! AHAHAHAHAHA!" with every other word, the psychotic old man made another thrust into the wood, slowly revealing the purple fabric of his robes as the hole expanded.

Mel quickly turned to her sister, "Quick, wake up the others!"

But before Miltia could act, the old man began crawling his way into the room through the opening, pointing his scimitar towards the two girls. Based on his long white beard and turban alone, the man looked like a demented old vizier hopped on cocaine.

" _I'M COMING FOR YOU, BITCHES! THE GREAT SHREKONING HAS ARRIVED!"_


	17. Intermission 6: Judgment

Kammy Koopa walked in from the TV room, rubbing her crusty eyelids, "What in the world are you two whipper…"

 _"AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!"_

Before Melanie or Miltiades could react, Gwonam whipped out a set of Kunai knives and shot them at the Koopa magician. One of them struck Kammy square in the forehead, causing her to fall over onto her back.

"Kammy!" shouted Miltia.

As the demented old vizier attempted to pull out another set of knives, Mel rushed at him and attempted to perform one of her front-side-hook kick combos, but Gwonam was quick to block all her blows. Had Melanie's shoes not been made out of hardened steel and adamantium, his blade surely would have cut through her foot, skewering her all the way up to her left thigh.

 _"YOU THINK YOU CAN KILL ME, MOTHERFUCKERS? FOOLISH CHARLATANS, YOU DON'T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST MY PRO-AS-HECK MLG SKILLS!"_ With a swift swipe of his blade, the old man threw Melanie back to the counter behind her.

Miltia quickly ran over and began tugging Melanie by the arm. "Sis, let's get the hell out of here!"

"Ugh…" Mel rubbed her head in pain as her sister used her muscled arms to drag her into the TV room.

Bowser began to stretch himself up from his spread-out position on the carpeted floor, "What the…"

"Duck!" shouted Miltia, who instantly dove down as a pair of Kunai flew overhead.

"Oh shit!" Bowser exclaimed as he hid back into his shell, just in time to dodge Gwonam's attack.

Once Miltia had been able to get her sister to cover behind a torn-up leather couch in the middle of the room, she began shaking her, trying to get her out of her daze, "Melanie!"

Mel shook herself awake, brushing some of the dust off her dress before reassessing her situation.

Right as she peeked over the couch, she saw Gwonam's dark figure approach the doorway, tossing aside a bottle of Mountain Dew he had just finished, _"IT'S ALL OGRE NOW, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!"_

Just then, a flash of geometric magic blasted him from underneath, blowing him back into the kitchen.

Kammy's wand was raised up high, as the Koopa dragged herself along the ground, "I ain't dead yet!"

Before the vizier could upright himself, Kammy used her magic to close the door behind her.

Melanie could still hear the old geezer screaming from the other side, "YOU DIRTY ROTTEN WENCH!"

The Malachite sisters took this opportunity to push the couch right up against the door.

"Okay, now what?" asked Miltia.

Melanie nodded over to the large glass window opposite their position, "We make a run for it."

"Uh, shouldn't we bring Zelda with us?" said Bowser, who was now out of his shell.

"Leave her, she's just going to be dead weight."

"What about our things?" added Miltia.

"Let's worry about that later, come on!"

Melanie then rushed for the window, holding her arms out in front.

She felt Bowser grab her from behind, and then toss her onto his shell. "Nuh-uh! Since I'm the boss around here, we're doing this my way! Miltia, hop on."

Shortly after Mel's sister jumped onto the King Koopa's back, Bowser picked Princess Zelda up from the corner of the room, and then kicked the window open.

"Geronimo!"

Just before leaping out, Bowser spun around and then grabbed hold of the ventilation edged up against the floor, using it to swing himself into the apartment below.

Once Melanie and Miltia hopped off his back, Bowser gave the girls a quick thumbs up.

"Well," remarked Melanie, "guess that was better than my idea."

Gwonam's blade suddenly burst through the ceiling in the room up ahead, _"YOU THINK YOU CAN ESCAPE ME, MUTHAFUCKAHS? NOT EVEN SONIC THE FUCKING HEDGEHOG COULD OUTRUN THE FURY OF MY RIGHTEOUS JUDGMENT!"_

As the vizier continued plunging his blade through the floorboard above, Miltia started making a run for the door, "Let's hurry!"

The three of them then rushed through the main door, though Bowser's wide girth had left a gaping hole in their wake. The Koopa King then pointed over to the door to the building's main stairwell, which Mel promptly kicked open.

"Come on!" she said.

Shortly after, the Malachite sisters flipped themselves over the stairs' railing, allowing them to quickly descend without losing any time. Bowser instead optioned to slide down the railings, since he still had Zelda bound in his arms.

 _ **-CLANG!-**_

Only twenty seconds after they had made their descent, the three of them heard the door burst open above, with the mad vizier's voice soon following, _"UNCLE GWONAM HAS COME OUT TO PLAY! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

"Shit, Mel! That crazy old man is catching up to us!"

Although Melanie couldn't see where the mad genie was standing, she knew that the man was descending quickly upon them, and if Bowser didn't catch up in his Koopa shell, he'd soon be a goner.

 _"SQUADALAH, MOTHERFUCKERS! AYAYAYAYAYAYA…!"_

 _ **-SWISH!-CLING!-CHINK!-WOOSH!-WOOSH!-CHINK!-CLANG!-**_

The fury at which Gwonam spun and swung his blade was unlike anything Melanie had ever seen before. Only the fabled Meta Knight of legends past could ever hope to match the swiftness of Gwonam's strikes.

Luckily, the Malachite sisters had managed to reach ground level before the purple-clothed vizier could catch up to them. Bowser on the other hand, still seemed to be a few floors up.

"Mel, I got an idea!"

Before Melanie could register what was happening, her sister rushed up to the door, swiftly brought her claws out and slashed the hinges off. She quickly pulled it by the doorknob, dislodging it from the frame and then turned to Melanie, "Sis, help me with this!"

Finally understanding what her sister was up to, Mel quickly nodded, and then helped her lift up the door.

After a few seconds, they saw Bowser sliding down the side rail, with Gwonam tailing behind him on his magic carpet.

Just as he raised his sword to strike, Gwonam shouted, "I Gwonam, emissary of his majesty, The King, hereby command you to _DIE!"_

"Now!" shouted Miltia.

Within an instant, the twins had tossed the large door over Bowser's head and straight at Gwonam's face.

"You…!"

The mad vizier quickly swung his scimitar to deflect the blow, but the door's momentum sent him flying into the wall behind him.

The Koopa King leaped off the railing and turned to face the girls, "I can't thank you girls enough."

"Enough chit-chat! Let's move before he gets back up!" said Melanie.

The three of them then ran through the open doorway, sped through the empty lobby, and made a mad dash to the glass-covered entrance.

But just as they stepped past the receptionist's desk, Gwonam came back around the corner, now holding an SR-25 sniper rifle in his arms.

Melanie turned around and said, "When did he…"

 _"PREPARE TO GET NO-SCOPED, BITCHES!"_

"Shit! Du…"

 _ **-POW!-**_

Luckily, the two girls had managed to dive out through the window before Gwonam could land his shot, taking cover behind one of the columns outside. Bowser, on the other hand, wasn't so fortunate, as he now had a gaping hole going right through his shell and into his chest.

"GRAAAAH!"

Bowser tumbled over on the ground, crashing right into the wall.

"Shit Mel!" shouted Miltia. "He got Big Boss. Looks like we're done for!"

"Not if I can help it," said Melanie, dragging her sister along.

Soon after, Gwonam swept out of the building, seemingly ignoring Bowser and his captive.

"You girls think you can run from me? It is no use! Only Link can ever hope to escape my wrath of _JUSTICE!"_

The old vizier pulled up his sniper rifle, preparing for a pair of quick quick-scopes to finish off the Malachite sisters.

 _"NOW YOU MUST DI…!"_

 _"DIVE KICK!"_

In the blink of an eye, a slender, gray figure dove straight into Gwonam's side, sending his gun spinning on the ground below. At the same time, Russel Thrush came charging from the other side of the building, both of his daggers in hand.

"What the…" muttered Melanie.

The old vizier tumbled over onto glass-ridden pavement as the newcomer flipped himself over on the magic carpet using only his hands. Though, on a closer inspection, the man seemed to be wearing rubber boots on his hands as well as his feet.

Gwonam started pushing himself back up, ripping out a large glass shard that had plunged into his arm, "How dare you interrupt my quick-scoping streak! By the powers invested in Sam and Dean Winch.."

"Alright, Russel, let's do this!"

"Wha…"

Before the mad vizier could respond, the gray-haired man slammed both of the boots attached to his arms into Gwonam's jaw in a single, swift spinning attack. Jumping into a handstand, the newcomer then wrapped his legs around Gwonam's neck and then flipped him into the ground.

As the gray-haired man hooked the vizier into his arms, Russel swept his blades out front, "Prepare to get Shrek'd old man!"

Melanie and Miltiades could hear the loud, ecstatic cries of young gamers everywhere as Russel moved in to pummel the purple-robed genie with his perfectly-timed attacks. Mel had no idea why the voices lingering in the air were screaming something about "Wombo Combo," but for the time being, she was relieved that these two men had saved them from that crazy old man.

After about a minute of relentless attacks, Gwonam seemed to be out for the count. After a brief prayer, the man dressed in gray lay the demented old man on the ground and then turned to face the two girls.

Miltia pointed at the newcomer, "Just… who are you?"

"My name is Mercury Black, and this here is Russel Thrush. We're on a mission from God."

"Huh?"

"Just what are you two talking about?" asked Mel.

"Come. You two are needed," Mercury said as the two men began to walk away. "Oh, and be sure to bring along the others."

* * *

After about thirty minutes of traversing Vale's cityscape and navigating through some of Beacon's underground tunnels, the four of them had emerged out in the Emerald Forest. The two lads were carrying Bowser's heavy mass while the twins were carrying the others. Miltia seemed to have it easy compared to the others, since Melanie had to lug around Kammy's corpse in about three layers of garbage bags so they could bury her later.

"We're almost there, girls," remarked Mercury, still carrying Bowser over his shoulders. Melanie couldn't understand why he was still wearing his boots like gloves, though he didn't seem to be significantly hindered by them.

As they all went deeper and deeper into the Emerald Forest, Mel turned around, looking up at the academy overhead. Once, Beacon had been one of the finest hunting academies on Remnant, but now it was nothing more than a shell of its former self, with its headmaster missing and many of its students driven astray.

It was strange to see the forest so devoid of life, aside from the grass and trees growing all around. A long time ago, this place used to be populated to the brim with Grrm, but now that everyone knew how weak they truly were, this place no longer served as a safe haven for them.

Eventually, the four of them made it to a clearing.

"What is this place?" whispered Miltia.

"Taco Bell?" muttered Melanie, noticing a now unlit sign off to the right of the small establishment before them.

Indeed, were it not located right in the middle of the Emerald Forest, the building in front of them would have looked like one of those fast food joints you'd see out in the suburbs or countryside. It even had parking spaces, even though there was no way for cars to get over here without cutting through the trees. Yet at the same time, there were already significant signs of decay, with vines growing alongside the brickwork and young branches penetrating in through the windows. In a way, it reminded Melanie of one of those old abandoned temples she had seen in travelogues and history books.

"Why is this even here?" Melanie wondered to herself.

Mercury and Russel pushed their way past the shrubbery and approached the long-abandoned restaurant, dropping Bowser off to the side.

The gray-haired man briefly stopped in place, "Come, sanctuary awaits us ahead."

Just as Mel began to wade her way into the clearing, she heard her sister whisper into her ear, "Mel, are you sure this is safe?"

"I'm not sure. Let's just see what these guys want and bail if things get rough."

Once they were inside, the Malachite sisters set Zelda and Kammy's remains off to the side. The whole place looked like a fight had broken out in it, with tables and chairs tipped over and long-rotten ketchup and guacamole spilled all over the floor. A fetid stench hung in the air, more akin to raw shit than rotting remains.

Once the girls had gotten a few feet in, Mercury turned around and stood in front of them, holding out his still-booted right hand.

"Why did you two bring us here?" said Melanie as she watched Russel move into the back kitchen area of the joint.

"All things will be explained in due time," said Mr. Black. "Speaking of which…"

Right on cue, Russel Thrush pressed down on a large green lever that had been hidden from view from where the girls were standing.

The ground began to rumble.

Mel immediately jumped into a fighting stance, "Brace yourself Miltia!" But just as Mel had said that, Miltia had already equipped her claws.

Mercury took a few steps forward as the ground behind him began to collapse down, forming a staircase into a secret underground tunnel.

After turning around, Mercury addressed the girls, "Follow me."

As the three of them descended into the torch-lit passageway, with Russel following soon after, the pungent odor from before grew stronger and stronger still until Melanie was forced to cover her nose.

"Great Dust," she said, "what is that smell?"

"It kinda smells like garlic and onions," Miltia remarked.

Yet despite the girls' complaints, the two boys refused to respond. Melanie wasn't sure why a place like this would need a secret underground tunnel like this, but then again many things didn't make any sense as of late.

Eventually the tunnel led into a small chamber laden with ancient stone brick, a shrine of sorts. But what the girls discovered in that room was far beyond reasonable explanation, raising far more questions than the answers it provided.

"P-Professor Ozpin?" uttered Melanie.

"But… didn't you go missing?"

The former headmaster rose up from within the pool of fresh onion juice before them, completely nude save for a slender pair of swimming trunks. Although the man had to be somewhere in his late forties, he looked like he hadn't aged a day. He reached for the spectacles lying down on the floor next to him, and then pressed them up against his nose.

"Greetings, Melanie and Miltiades. I don't believe we have ever met personally, but it seems you already know who I am."

Mercury and Russel stepped forward, and lowered themselves before the former headmaster. "Master!"

"We have brought these girls just as you have asked!" said Mercury.

"Good," said Ozpin as he pulled himself out of the bath-like pool.

"Wha-what is all this?" asked Melanie as she looked around the room. Not only were there several more pools of onion-drenched juice, but there was also a large, eight-foot tall, adamantine-carved statue depicting a smiling, naked Shrek, complete with a sixteen-inch long, three-and-a-half-inch wide, fully eshrekt, ogre-sized cock.

Professor Ozpin gestured his hands toward the rest of the room, "This, my friends, is our humble sanctuary dedicated to our great Ogrelord."

"Shrek is love," Mercury and Russel said in unison. "Shrek is life."

"Dear God," muttered Melanie. Not only was onion juice pouring from the statue's tip like a leaky faucet, but many burning candles and long-discarded Shrek DVDs had been piled up around the profane idol.

"But… weren't you once Beacon's headmaster? Why did ditch that… for this?"

Ozpin stepped forward, adjusting his spectacles. Even though he was older than her by at least twenty years, Mel could not help but admire his well-developed, manly physique, especially when it was dripping with greasy, yet pungent, onion juice.

"Yes," said Ozpin, "it is true that I was once supervisor to that fine academy. For many years, I had worried about this nation's security against the constant threat from the Grrm, or Grimm as they were formerly called. It wasn't exactly the easiest job in the world, especially not with Ironwood trying to take control of things for himself.

"But then, I discovered Shrek.

"I know this may seem silly to a pair of young girls like yourselves, but when I learned of our great Ogrelord, I knew I had discovered the solution to all our problems.

"Not everyone believed us of course; many people to this day still don't believe us. One of our fellow disciples… The Great Mighty Poo… they burned him at the stake for spreading our cause. The heretics… the unbelievers… they didn't believe! They didn't believe in Shrek!"

Ozpin kicked over a pot lying on the ground when he said this, causing the girls to flinch back a bit.

"But look," the former headmaster continued, "look at what our great Ogrelord has brought us! The Grrm, they have been reduced to nothing more than ants! It is because of _him_ that Vale and all of Remnant was saved from the great Grrm infestation, for they are nothing compared to his layered, oniony goodness!" Ozpin raised his hands up into the air, "Shrek is love!"

"Shrek is life!" Mercury and Russel replied.

"This is insane…" muttered Melanie.

"You, Melanie Malachite!" Ozpin swung his finger in accusation. "Do you doubt the integrity of our great green ogre and his pet donkey? Can you not see the great splendor that resides in his twenty-four-inch long, ogre-sized cock? Doubt all you want, but the truth will become apparent to you in time. When the time of the Great Shrekoning arrives, you two will have a _Vytal_ role to play."

 _This is starting to get out of hand._ On the other hand, considering that Professor Ozpin was one of the strongest hunters in all of Remnant, Mel knew getting out of this strange place would prove difficult. That the old professor was giggling like a young child didn't help to alleviate matters.

Ozpin continued. "I met Shrek once, six years ago. When I had nearly lost hope, when I had lost my friend to cinder and ashes, Shrek came to me in his fancy blue police box-car." At this point, the two boys crouched over on the ground were beginning to weep. "When he filled me with his ogre love, his words of infinite wisdom flowed into my ears. He told me of things as they once were, and he told me of things as they would come to be. He told me of worlds that were never were and how he would bring them together. Take your friend Bowser, for instance. Though his existence may seem natural to you, it was not always the case that we could meet men like him. It was the same with my friend, The Great Mighty Poo, though he is now lost to us forever."

Ozpin took a moment to wipe a few tears from his eyes, "I can no longer serve as Beacon's headmaster, for I must stay here to oversee the shrine of our great Ogrelord and serve as his shepherd. Besides, Glynda seemed perfectly capable for the task, before she disappeared that is."

 _What on Remnant was he babbling on about? And who in the world was this Great Mighty Poo character?_ In spite of the energy and enthusiasm Ozpin had put into his speech, Melanie remained baffled as ever.

Miltia raised her hand, "Uh, Professor Ozpin, what is this role that we have to play?"

The former headmaster raised his finger in response, "Of course, young Padawan, I knew that you would ask that question sooner or later. But before I can explain the task you must accomplish, you must learn of the ancient Prophecy, which Shrek conveyed to me when he took me in his powerful ogre arms.

"It is true that Shrek managed to reduce the Grrm to nothingness, yet great evil still lurks in this world. Now that those black beasts no longer stand to oppose them, Lord Farquaad and The Fairy Godmother have risen in their place, gathering the forces of evil from all corners of the globe. Already Lord Farquaad has assembled his team of unholy knights so that he may summon the Big Bad Wolf from the depths of the grave, who will huff and puff and level all of Vale.

"The Fairy Godmother too is not a threat to be trifled with, for none can match her powers and influence without the guidance of the Ogrelord. Already, she has wed Fiona to Prince Charming using the magic of her love potion, and she has great fire-breathing dragon to her will. The extent of her influence reaches throughout all of Remnant, for she has many underlings and spies acting as her eyes. Not even we, meek disciples of Shrek, have the powers to oppose her."

"Okay…?" muttered Melanie.

"So how do we stop them?" said Miltia.

Ozpin cleared his throat. "I'm afraid none of us will be able to stop The Fairy Godmother from bringing all of Remnant into her evil clutches. Only with Shrek's aid can we hope to defeat The Fairy Godmother, yet Shrek has been long gone, forever barred from this world by her sorcery.

"But even so, there is still hope. Even though the great green ogre has long since vanished, his companions still remain, guided by his eternal love."

"So do we have to find them or something?" interjected Mel.

"A girl by the name of Weiss Schnee already works to gather them, even if she is unaware of it. Already Donkey, Puss in Boots, and The Frog Prince have joined her side, and now they travel to seek the services of the Muffin Man. There, the Muffin Man shall use his magic to forge Mongo, the greatest of all Gingerbread Men, from the bones of Mama Bear.

"Then with Mongo's strength, they shall storm Vale's walls and unite with Gingy and Pinocchio. Once inside, they must slay the fire-breathing dragon and release Princess Fiona from her spell. They must then fight Prince Charming and take his keys so they can free Shrek from his eternal dungeon. Only then will The Fairy Godmother make her grand appearance before the heiress and her crew, where their fate shall be decided among the twinkling stars in the sky. Thus it has been foretold by our great Ogrelord!"

"Shrek is love," repeated Mercury and Russel. "Shrek is life."

"Uh…" Melanie stammered in confusion. "So what exactly are we supposed to do again?"

"As faithful servants of the Ogrelord, we must ensure that Weiss Schnee is successful in her quest."

"Wait," said Miltia, "but why must we help Weiss of all people? She and that red-dressed dolt beat us up in Junior's club!"

"Though you may harbor grievances against the Schnee heiress, we cannot afford to let her fail in her quest."

"But why?"

"It's rather simple," Ozpin said as he pushed up his spectacles. "Weiss Schnee is the chosen one."

* * *

 **A/N: Okay, that's it for intermission chapters for the time being. I just needed to get a few important scenes out of the way. We'll be returning to Neo's perspective in the next coming chapter, though without any feedback, I can't really tell whether or not you guys prefer the intermission chapters or the "normal" chapters. Anyway, for those of you still keeping track of this fic, I'd like to thank you all again for reading this far, even if this story isn't necessarily as popular as some of the others on this site. If you have any questions or concerns, or if you just want to leave your thoughts, be sure to leave feedback and whatnot.**

 **By the way, some of you may notice a few things about this chapter, especially if you've looked at one of my other stories. Interpret that as you will.**


	18. Daenerys Targaryen

A few days had passed ever since Weiss had summoned Judge Claude Frollo as her Heroic Spirit. We had to return back to the Spartan coasts so we could fetch a ship over to the Iranian heartland. On the way there, we learned a bunch of assassins had infiltrated the palace and murdered King Leonidas in cold blood. Pyrrha was the only one in line to the Spartan throne, so we had to leave her behind so she can fix up things back at home.

King Harkinian had mapped out a route for us during our stay in the underground temple. We'd circle our ship around until we reached the Egyptian coastline, and from there on we'd sail east until we reached Syria, thereby bypassing the Turkish authorities. Once there, we'd continue heading east, going straight through war-torn Iraq until we reached the Iranian heartland.

There, we'd meet Daenerys Targaryen, the mother of all dragons.

Once we've got her on our side, along with one of those Indian chiefs, then maybe we'll have a chance to take on Nora and Gilgamesh.

The voyage across the sea wasn't really all that eventful. Most of my time was spent keeping an eye on little Red and our hobo friend to make sure they didn't get into any trouble with each other. Though, based on what I saw, I got the feeling something must've happened between them back at the dwarf fortress. Oftentimes Weiss would come up to her partner whereupon Ruby would just step away.

Our captain was pretty good at managing his ship, even though he couldn't have been more than fifteen or fourteen years old. Even with his fancy vest, his white dress shirt and his overextended tie, he looked more like a kid than anything else. Though, judging by the green dragon sword he always kept on him, I could tell he was a tried and true adventurer. He could whip up some damn good moonshine too.

Looking at our measly blond runt of a captain made me think of Jaune, even though I don't obsess about him like that redheaded Spartan girl. It would've taken only minutes before Jaune would've gotten seasick and threw up all his lunch off the side of the deck.

Of course, Jaune couldn't be here with us today. That was because he was dead.

I sometimes wonder if they ever found Jaune's corpse lying down in those bottomless pits after that damn witch girl cut him down. Well, it's not really my problem anymore.

On the third day, we had finally reached our destination.

"Land ho!" shouted Ruby.

"Oh, great Dust! Finally!"

"You sure seem to be excited," said our captain.

"Well no duh! I've been on this ship for three fucking days without any crack!"

"But Weiss," said Ruby, "I thought you said you swore off crack."

"Yeah," said the captain. "Besides, drugs are bad for you."

"SHUUUUUT UUUUP! I need my special sugar and I really need it badly!"

It took us about fifteen minutes for the ship to dock, after which we gathered up all our belongings and jumped off.

"Ugh," said Weiss, "why the hell didn't we just take a plane?"

"But Weiss," Ruby answered, "if we did that, Nora would just send her goons again like she did with Swain and Red Spy and Beato and cause the planes to explode. We don't want to kill any more people than we need to."

"Do any of those blokes even know how to speak proper English?" asked Frollo, now standing between The King and Weiss.

"Of course they do, Mister creepy old man! If they didn't, then how would the readers be able to understand them?"

"What readers?" asked Weiss.

"Isn't it obvious Weiss? Everyone knows that we're the stars of the Pajama Sam Superstar TV show that's hosted on Radio Disney every Saturday morning! Why do you think those guys came over to visit?"

Frollo folded his arms and whispered into Weiss's ear, "I think this Gypsy woman is quite delusional, master."

"But it's true!"

I scanned my eyes along the docks to see if there was anyone watching us. Now that Ruby brought up the subject of us five being the stars of our own reality TV show, I wanted to make sure nobody caught me with my fly zipped down. Even though Pajama Sam seemed like a good kid, you could never tell with folks who worked for the paparazzi, especially when Scooby Snacks were on the line.

Maybe it's about time I donned my disguise kit.

The King walked up to me as we made our way down the pier, "Is something wrong, Neo?"

I tried explaining my concerns to his majesty, but I don't think he caught my drift, if you get what I'm saying.

Though, once we got away from all the tourists like us, we were in a whole different ballpark. Once you got past all the people wearing jeans and neckties and fancy-pants business suits, there's nothing but fancy headdresses made out of Toucan Sam's frosted flakes and names in a language I can't even pronounce.

Dorothy, we're definitely not in Kansas anymore.

"Infidels, all of them." Frollo stated flatly.

"Let's not come to any hasty conclusions," The King retorted.

I could sense a lingering sense of hostility in the air as we passed through the dusty streets. Even though the locals didn't so much as glance at us, I could tell that we weren't exactly welcome in this country, especially with the way they avoided us and whispered to themselves in their own jib-jab tongue.

"What's with them?" Weiss said with an edge in her voice.

"I don't think they're exactly keen with the fact you're a smelly hobo," Ruby responded.

"Racists!" seethed Weiss.

Suddenly, King Harkinian stopped in place, clearing his throat. "Ahem, I was just thinking about Miss Schnee's suggestion."

"You mean taking the plane? What about it?"

"I was initially planning on treking via car and camel through the desert, but it seems going via plane might be a better suggestion."

Ruby interrupted, "But what about Nora and…"

"I have considered that possibility, and that is why I think it would be best to take our own private jet."

"A jet?" muttered Frollo.

"But… how will we eve be able to afford that?" added Weiss.

"I could help with that."

Wait… what?

When I turned to face the person who had spoken, I saw the captain standing right behind our group.

"Aren't you supposed to be tending to your own ship?" asked Frollo.

"Nah," said the boy, reaching his hands behind his noggin, "that ship isn't even mine anyway."

"You thieving, criminal scoundrel!" seethed Frollo, drawing out his sword of righteousness. "I shall have your head!"

As the Judge raised his blade to cut off the boy captain's head, The King jumped in front of him and held the servant's arms in place. "You would dare strike the boy who has helped us on this journey so far?"

"Your words hold no power over me!" hissed the Judge.

"Let it go," said Weiss. "Let's just see if he's got anything to say."

The Judge growled, but then withdrew his blade, "Very well. I shall accept your wisdom for now, Miss Schnee."

The young captain seemed to be watching this whole situation with casual disregard, seemingly unaffected by Frollo's attempts on his life. "Yeah, you folks probably wouldn't have been able to get here without my help."

"What do you mean by that, mister?" asked Ruby.

"It didn't look like there was anyone else coming here back at the port, so I just simply took the ship for myself. It's not like anyone else was using it." The boy stretched out his hand. "I'm Meliodas by the way."

The King stepped forward to shake his hand, "A pleasure to meet you, my boy."

"Yeah, I'm Ruby by the way."

That's when I realized something was up.

"Wait a minute…" muttered Weiss.

"Does this mean…" her servant added.

"HOW THE FUCK DID WE GO THREE DAYS ON THAT FUCKING SHIP WITHOUT KNOWING THIS GUY'S NAME?"

"You guys never really asked," Meliodas casually responded, seemingly unperturbed by Weiss's outrage.

"BUT AREN'T YOU GUYS SUPPOSED TO ANNOUNCE THAT STUFF AS SOON AS WE GET ON THE SHIP?"

"Huh," said the captain, scratching his chin, "you do have a point there. Anyway, I can help you guys find the airport."

"We can find the airport on our own, thank you very much," sneered the heiress.

The kid walked up to the side of one of the apartments next to us and ripped one of those jazz band concert advertisements from the wall. The whole thing looked like someone had typed up something in Canadian English and then transcribed the whole thing in one of those strange, Wingdings fonts. I couldn't understand a word that was written on it.

"How well can you read this?" Meliodas asked.

"Give me that!" Weiss said as she snatched the paper from the boy's strong, muscular arms. "Is this written in Chinese or something?"

"Hmm… I have never seen such an arcane scripture in my entire life," remarked King Harkinian.

Weiss turned to her partner, "Ruby, you'd know how to read this, right?"

"Why in the world do you think I'd know how to read that?"

"Cause you're a Weeaboo, dumbnut! Considering how much anime and children's cartoons you watch, it shouldn't be too hard for you to understand something like this?"

"But it's written in Chinese!"

"So?"

"They never taught me that in grammar school! I don't even know how to do the chicken dance while crossing my eyes at the same time!"

"Idiots, all of you," seethed Frollo.

"Can you read this?" Ruby asked.

Before the Judge could answer her question, a pair of guards armed with AK-47s came around the corner.

One of them pointed his rifle at us, "Children, what do you think you are doing here at this hour?"

Ruby began to raise her hands up, "We're just…"

"You must be Turkish spies who have infiltrated our government so you could steal all the cookies from our cookie jar!"

"Wha…" uttered Weiss, "That's just…"

"You will shut your piehole, you stinky hobo! We are stronk Serbian soldiers of glorious Serbian nation! It is clear that you work for Kebab!"

I didn't know what was going on, or these goons were after. Nevertheless, I began to reach for my umbrella, ready to make a move if shit went straight to hell.

"Kebab?" muttered The King.

The other guard raised his gun as well. "Silence! It is clear that you mean to undermine the unity that is brought by our shared national heritage and ethnic purity!"

" _YOU MUST BE REMOVED FROM THE PREMISES!"_ they both shouted at once.

"Run!" shouted Meliodas.

 _ **-TUT!-TUT!-TUTUTUT!-TUTUTUT!**_

In one swift motion, I cartwheeled past the others and unfolded my Kevlar-plated umbrella, deflecting most of the bullets. The others had run for a nearby alleyway, even though it was clear we could easily take these guys on our own.

"Oh no!" one of the guards said, "Shitty puny pink-haired lady is too stronk for bullets to handle!"

"We must retreat for now!"

The two of them dropped their guns and then tried to make a run for it, but I was too fast for them. After tumbling into a double-backflip, I brought out my blade and slid it straight through the right man's neck.

Boy, do I love the smell of blood in the morning.

I took an accordion out of the other man's back pocket and then smashed the hard ends right through his thick skull. I probably would have ripped his tongue out too, but I'd probably lose track of Weiss and the others if I dilly-dallied for too long.

Dear lord, this looks like it's going to be a pain in the ass to clean up, but luckily we're not going to be staying around for very long. I'm a private detective, not a piss-poor janitor who can't even pay his own rent.

I had a good sweet suck of the left man's leaking red fluids before heading down the alleyway. I could hear everyone else's footsteps somewhere farther down south, so I stepped up my pace, and soon found them back in the open streets.

"Is that blood on your lips?" Frollo remarked.

"Nah, that's just Neo being Neo," replied Ruby. "She might act a bit strange sometimes, but she's still a great asset to our team."

"Huh," said Meliodas, "Well, it looks like those guys won't be a problem any longer. I guess we didn't need to run after all. Anyway, let's head over to the airport before the line gets too long."

And so, the six of us made our way over to the local airport without any more of those pansy-ass guards to worry about.

* * *

Only three hours later, we found ourselves crossing through the vast Iranian desert, long after we had passed Candy Mountain and it sugar coated rail lines. Trying to navigate these dusty old plains was like waiting in line in Disney World for five hours while wearing a winter coat in the middle of August. Every couple hundred feet we walked, we'd see another one of those finger peak mesas cross our paths. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Uncle Andross was trying to flip us the bird, lurking deep in his lair underneath Remnant's crust.

Weiss briefly let go of the rein to her camel and fell over onto the ground, "Ugh, I can't take this anymore! Why the fuck are we walking through the desert like this?"

"It's so fucking hot out here!" said Ruby, rolling her head around like a space top.

"This is where we're supposed to go," Meliodas responded.

"We passed the fucking city an hour ago!" Weiss retorted. "Didn't you see all those buildings when we were flying over the mountains?"

"Hmmm…" muttered King Harkinian. The King had been in the co-pilot's seat when we were sailing our way through the skies on our stolen private jet plane. I remember his map saying that we were supposed to go somewhere northwest of here, but something must've changed his mind.

Meliodas turned around to face Ruby and Weiss, briefly tilting his head as he spoke, "You guys wanted to find Daenerys Targaryen, right?"

"Yeah," sighed Ruby. "But why is she all the way out here?"

"Dunno," said the captain, "I just heard it from one of the guys who came to my shop."

"Guh…"

Ruby toppled over onto the ground as the heat overcame her.

Weiss sighed. "Great, just what we needed."

As the heiress began to jump off her camel, Judge Frollo materialized before her, blocking her path, "Allow me to handle this, master."

Weiss's servant then obtained one of the water canteens loaded onto the camel's back and then began to pour out its contents into Ruby's mouth. It was a good thing we had encountered that items merchant on the way here, otherwise we'd be dying of dehydration and lung cancer right about now.

During this time, a falcon swooped by overhead, though it might have been a buzzard or something like that. Meliodas seemed to notice it too, because the moment the bird flew away, he drew out his broken dragon-sword.

"We're almost there! Let's go!"

Without breaking a sweat, the kid jumped onto one of the rock pillars standing nearby and leapt on ahead.

Just as Frollo finished emptying out the canteen, Ruby took one hard gulp and then sat back upright, "Wha… Where am I? Is this Disney World?"

"Thank goodness you're alright Ruby!" said Weiss.

"I feel like I've gotta pee…"

"I'm glad to see that you have recovered," said King Harkinian, "but now we must make haste." The King whipped out his gun and held it forward. "Follow that bird!"

Everyone quickly got back on their camels and started chasing after the boy captain. I still don't fully understand how we were able to sneak them past airport security or how they were able to fit on the jet, but they've been pretty damn useful for the most part. I just hope they wouldn't drain our water supplies by the time we got back to town.

As soon as we circled around a few more of those bleach-bone columns, we came across four horsemen strolling across the plains.

The captain gave out a loud, high-pitched whistle, and then landed a few hundred feet away from them.

One of the horsemen, clad in dark steel armor, swept his hard spear in front of the golden-helmed youth riding beside him. "Your highness, get back!"

As we approached, the two other riders, Adam Taurus and Link, began to circle around their white-haired princess, drawing their weapons out in front.

"Great…" muttered Adam, still wearing his dusty old business suit.

"Hey guys!" shouted the hero of time, "It's The King!"

"What…" the black-clad knight began to say.

"Link, my boy!" King Harkinian leaped off his camel and then ran to embrace the Kokiri warrior. "How goes your quest to defeat Ganon and his minions?"

"Great," said Link, "he's already beaten for good. Now we're just out here searching for space aliens!"

"Uh…" began the white-haired youth, "who are…"

As soon as the young, caped princess spoke, little Red pointed her finger at her and exclaimed, _"OHMYGOOOD! HOLY SHIT, WE'VE FINALLY FOUND THE REAL DAENERYS TARGARYEN AND NOW WE GET TO KIDNAP HER AND STEAL HER BABY DRAGONS!"_

For a whole minute, the air was filled with silence, until Adam spoke, "Are you guys high or something?"

"Nah," said Meliodas, "that's definitely the real Daenerys Targaryen."

"See? Even the short blond kid agrees with me!" said Ruby. "I mean, this has obviously got to be the real Daenerys Targaryen because she's got white hair like my partner Weiss and she's got one fine piece of white ass. Even the guy who wrote the _Game of Thrones_ series said that this girl was supposed to be hot, but DAYYUM what I wouldn't give to pinch myself a piece of that fine boo…"

"Uh… Daryun…" muttered the young princess, backing off his horse.

The black knight immediately rushed forward and held out his lance at Ruby, "I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO LAY A HAND ON CROWN PRINCE ARSLAN!"

"Arslan?" muttered Weiss.

"Wait," said Ruby keeping her distance from the tip of Daryun's lance, "but this can't be Arslan, cause Arslan's supposed to be black and this kid's whiter than my grandma before she met Shrek in his swamp and they made sweet, sweet…"

Adam's voice burst through Ruby's incoherent rambling, _"HIS NAME IS ARSLAN, YOU IDIOTS!"_

Ruby stood in shock for a moment, before resigning to defeat, "So I guess this means he's not the real Daenerys Targaryen. Looks like we're going to have to go on another long adventure."

"I wouldn't sweat it too much," said Meliodas. "Besides, now you've got Link and the White Fang to help you out."

Weiss looked at the blond boy. "So you're saying that we traveled all this way, right through the middle of a boiling hot desert, just to meet with some fourteen year old kid who can't even do shit? Not to mention, that you _LED US RIGHT INTO THE JAWS OF THE WHITE FANG?"_

"Ahem!" coughed Adam.

 _"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?"_

Meliodas shrugged, "Well, he does look kinda like Daenerys Targaryen. But anyway, let's see if we can find someplace to stay."

"Oh boy!" said Link, "I sure am starving!"

Daryun turned to the crown prince, "What do you think of all this, your highness?"

"Uh… I'm not sure. I think we should see what the others have to say," Arslan responded.

"Eh, let them come with for now," said Adam. "If they wanted to kill us, they probably would've tried something already. Besides, I think the council wanted to have a word with that Schnee girl."

The black-clad knight looked at us warily, but then trod forward on his mount. Soon after, all of us were back on camel or horse and cutting straight through the desert once more.

After a few minutes had passed, King Harkinian turned to face Meliodas and said, "By the way, is there any reason why you have traveled so far to aid us on our journey? I would think someone like you wouldn't want to be troubled with such burdens."

The kid shrugged, "I dunno, I just sorta felt like…" Meliodas suddenly raised his finger up, "Oh yeah, now I remember! The boss lady told me to kidnap Weiss Schnee and then kill everyone else so that I could get my paycheck. Thanks for reminding me!"

* * *

 **A/N: Okay, so that's the end of this chapter. I wasn't quite sure how to transcribe the gun sound effects into written form, and I wasn't sure how well some of the jokes for this chapter would go over. Anyway, I hope you're still enjoying this fic, seeing as you've read this far, and be sure to comment/favorite/subscribe and whatnot.**


	19. Counterstrike

By the time I had finally registered what our captain had said, Daryun turned his horse around and charged at him. Just when the knight was about to skewer the runt with his spear, Meliodas whipped out his broken sword in the blink of an eye.

 _ **-FWOOONG!-**_

The entire area was engulfed in a blinding flash, and the knight was sent flying straight into one of the pillars ahead.

 _"DARYUUUN!"_ screamed Arslan as he rushed after his escort.

"What? How the hell did he do that?" exclaimed Weiss.

"We need to get out of here!" shouted The King.

As King Harkinian began to meet up with Prince Arslan, I brought out my armor-plated umbrella in case the little blond runt tried to use his one-hit-kill move on me. Everyone else seemed to take up similar positions, with Adam drawing out his blades, Link bringing his shield out to fore, and Weiss drawing out Myrtenaster as she summoned Frollo a few feet in front of her. Ruby too whipped out her Big Dick and transformed it into a sniper rifle so she could score a couple of quickscopes before anyone else could steal her kills.

"I don't know why you've decided to side with the bad guys, but you're going down!" Ruby brought up her rifle-scythe to eye level, using the scope to center it on Meliodas's noggin, and then pulled the trigger.

 _ **-PEW!-SHINK!-**_

In the blink of an eye, the blond runt swept his fractured blade into the bullet's trajectory, upon which the projectile instantly reversed its course.

 _"FUCK!"_

The impact of the bullet sent Ruby tumbling backwards off the camel. Were it not for her aura, the girl would have been a goner.

"How the fuck is he doing that?" said Weiss.

"I don't like the looks of this," remarked Adam Taurus.

The rest of us sat still on our mounts while we waited for the blond captain to make his move. None of us had any idea when the kid would strike, but we knew that we all would be goners the moment he did. I may have the insane reflex skills of Chuckie Chan and Superman, but seeing as this kid can somehow counter our attacks with his scrawny blade, I wasn't sure how we were supposed to go about beating him, especially since most of my moves require me to get up close and personal.

The kid looked at us with that same expressionless look on his face, "Huh, what's gotten into you all? I thought we were supposed to be friends or something."

"You just said you were going to kill us!" Weiss retorted.

"Do you really think that dumbass routine's going to work on us?" said Adam Taurus.

"I just like fighting people!" Link remarked, seemingly oblivious to what was going on.

"Oh right, that…" Meliodas replied. "I was just stopping by in Vale and there was this one company that was offering free pancakes. The lady running the whole thing looked kinda hot, so I decided to get a job there, even though I'm supposed to kill people."

"Wait," said Ruby, now getting back up, "by lady, do you mean Nora Valkyrie?"

"Yeah, I think that was her name. I don't really remember what she looked like cause there were other ladies who looked kinda hot." Meliodas then sheathed back his dragon sword. "Anyway, you guys seem nice enough, so I don't really feel like killing you anymore. If I wanted to do that, I would've done it on the ship when there were less people and so I could have Hawk clean up the remains from all the… Huh, I knew I forgot something. I'm gonna run back to the plane. It was nice meeting you all!"

The blond runt began to run off back the way we came, but after a few seconds he turned back around and said, "Oh, your friend should be fine, by the way. I wasn't really using all my power, though he might have broken something depending on how much strength he used in that attack. Catch y'all later!"

And just like that, Meliodas was off, jumping from pillar to pillar.

"What?" exclaimed Ruby, "The fight ended just like that?"

"Good riddance!" said Weiss. "I thought we were done for." With a sigh, her servant dematerialized from the material plane.

Adam Taurus then began moving his mount to meet up with everyone who had moved on ahead, "Come on, we've still got some ways to go before we get to safe shelter."

* * *

About twenty minutes later, we had all reached a small town over near the border. Most of the locals were dressed in long white tunics like Kung-Fu Jesus, though others seemed to prefer rummage sale rags, wearing scarves over their heads and faces. I recognized a couple folks from the White Fang, even though they were trying to blend in with the locals.

A few guards armed with assault rifles and some patrolmen driving leftover T-34s came to inspect us, but after seeing the prince they let us through.

I don't really know why the Iranian government had chosen to set up its headquarters here, but it didn't take me very long to see that this town was more than meets the eye. With this much stockpiled munitions in the area, the arbitrarily placed runways on the city's outskirts, and the faint whirring of machinery underground, it was pretty obvious this was a military base of some sort.

Adam Taurus led us over to a dusty old mosque at the southeastern end of the city, where we had to ditch our horses so they wouldn't shit all over the place. The eight of us passed through a wide open courtyard before reaching the building itself, a redbrick building featuring a lighthouse tower on each end and three of those dome things from _Aladdin_ in the middle. The main entrance was sandwiched in between two sets of five small archways spanning the length of the building, and in this entrance stood a man almost as tall as old Slendy. Aside from this factor, there was little to distinguish him from the common blood, white robes, scraggly beard, turban, fake mustache and all.

"This is the place," said Adam Taurus.

"Man, I am starving," said Link, "I'm so hungry, I could eat a whole person!"

The heiress squinted, trying to get a closer look at the man, "Who is…"

"Is that Mr. Osama bin Laden?" said Ruby as she pointed to the man.

"Hmm…" The King thought to himself. "He does look like him."

"Isn't he supposed to be dead or something?" said Weiss.

In truth, I couldn't tell for sure whether the man standing before us was the real deal. He could well be the man himself, or he might be just an ordinary street rat that just happened to look like Osama bin Laden.

Either way, the mysterious, guru-like figure beckoned us in with his finger.

Judge Frollo materialized alongside her master, "Should we trust this man?"

"Don't worry," said Adam Taurus, "this guy's with us."

"If you say so," Weiss replied.

The nine of us then entered through the main archway and began to walk through the building's long narrow corridors. Each compartmentalized corridor was punctuated by a set of reddish arches bordering each of the entrances, and every once in a while we passed by one of the local monks praying before a shrine to some unknown god. I couldn't help but notice that Arslan and his bodyguard had been quiet this whole time. I still couldn't believe that he wasn't the real Daenerys Targaryen, but a part of me felt that he might have been trying to hide his true identity, like me.

Cause I'm fucking Batman.

"I don't remember the temple being this big from the outside," remarked King Harkinian.

"I suspect there may be sorcery at work," replied the Judge, examining at the mosque's overly elaborate architecture.

"Eh, you sorta get used to it," remarked the white-haired youth.

The series of halls continued winding down and around, until eventually we came upon some sort of grand hall.

The tall, robed man suddenly turned to face us. "The Elder Council awaits your arrival."

He then stepped to the side and gestured us in.

An elaborate Persian carpet had been spread out all over the room, punctuated only by the Egyptian style columns that stood a few feet from the room's sides. Unlike the rest of the temple, the walls were covered in some sort of beige-tinted marble, along with a few lanterns here and there. Two additional hallways stood at each side of the room. Even though we seemed to have gone underground, the room seemed to overlook a long shallow pool flanked by smooth stone walkways and gardens, much like one would see at the Taj Mahal. Hell, if I didn't know any better, I'd say we were there already.

Though, when I stepped into that room and saw who was gathered in there, well, let's just say it was a bit of a surprise.

"Venerable Elder, the guests have arrived," said the tall man as he escorted us inside.

"Oh, how excellent!" said the frail looking man sitting in the middle of the room as he lowered his cup of herbal tea. "Ah children, have you come here seeking the Muffin Man?"

"What?" Weiss uttered in confusion.

"You're… Gandhi?" said Ruby.

The elderly man, whose legs were crossed in a sort of meditative stance, clasped his bony hands together, "Ah yes! I see you are quick to come to conclusions! Come, come my dearies! You must have a taste of this fine herbal tea!"

Although a few of us hesitated for a moment, we all walked over to the second carpet arrayed in the middle of the room, where a number of vegetarian and lamb-based dishes were gathered. Sitting beside the man who looked like Gandhi was one of the White Fang Lieutenants, Gendo Ikari, Benito Mussolini, the Blue Meanie, and Snoopy. A number of belly-dancing strippers were also scattered throughout the room, holding up trays of marijuana-laced spaghetti, hot dogs, tequila, cigarette packs, cards for playing Blackjack, and plates of powdered crack.

 _"SUGAAAAAR!"_ Weiss suddenly shouted as she ran over to tackle one of the serving women. _"GIMME! GIMME! GIMME!"_

The two serving women were unable to get out of the way as the heiress landed on top of them, burying her nose in the the contents that had spilled onto the floor.

 _"Sugaaar…"_ Weiss hissed as her body twitched in ecstasy.

"Oh dear…" muttered Gandhi.

Arslan turned to face the rest of our group as we awkwardly began to seat ourselves next to the other council members, "Is she always like this?"

"She has on and off days," Ruby answered, "Say, Mr. Gandhi, is that guy really Mr. Osama bin Laden?"

The elderly man who looked like Gandhi adjusted his glasses and raised one of his fingers in response, "Not quite, my dear, for the man you see before you is none other than President Obama himself."

"No way! Really?"

"Indeed, but you weren't too far off girlie. Obama is Osama's third cousin after all."

"A pleasure," said the tall man, who bowed and then seated himself next to us.

Obama ibn Hassad was the twenty-third president of Uzbekistan, and he was also the son of Hitler and Josef Stalin. Long long ago, back when Richard Nixon was the President of the United States, Hitler and Josef Stalin met in a park in Warsaw where they engaged in hardcore butt-sex while everyone else died around them. But as they were doing it for the twenty-first time, Stalin had committed one of the gravest of sins, for when he had finally climaxed, the Russian dictator claimed that he was more handsome and manly than Shrek.

Two weeks after Hitler and Stalin had divided Poland between themselves, Shrek came to visit Stalin's house to teach him a lesson on table manners. But when he looked inside, he saw that Stalin had removed Shrek from all of the pictures from when they were still children in order to convince the public of his undisputed manliness. Shrek was not at all pleased about this.

So Shrek confronted Josef Stalin in his room. When the Russian leader saw him, he cried tears of joy. Stalin got down on his hands and knees. He then spread his butt-cheeks for Shrek and let the handsome green ogre come inside him. After all was said and done, Shrek flew out of the house so more people around the world could know his ogre love, and nine weeks later Josef Stalin gave birth to Charlie Chaplin, the world's greatest tap-dancer.

Now, I don't really want to bore you all with mind-numbingly dull history lessons, but some of this stuff is important if you want to make sense of life's mysteries, especially when the fate of the world hangs on a bunch of ancient prophesies nobody ever bothered to write down.

Anyway, now that we've gotten President Obama's past out of the way, let's get back to the present state of affairs, shall we? Even with his humble origins, Hassad was able to come out on top because he had the great power of Obamacare dwelling deep inside him. Nobody knew if this was its actual name, but nobody could question its effectiveness on the political stage.

Weiss suddenly lifted her head from the tray, her beard covered with spaghetti sauce, "Hey, why did it suddenly go quiet?"

"Neo was just busy finishing up a lecture on Remnant's history," Ruby responded.

"How the fuck is that even possible? She can't even talk!"

"The Lord works in mysterious ways," answered Mussolini, whose voice sounded like that midget from _Fantasy Island_ who always kept going on about planes or some shit.

"Enough of this talk!" said Frollo as he stood up. "Who are you people anyway?"

Gandhi let out a light chuckle, "Oh, of course! Of course! I'm quite glad you asked that! Yes, yes, you see, as our friend Obama ibn Hassad has said, we are the Elder Council, otherwise known as Al Qaeda in some other circles. While some folks might not have the most favorable opinion of us, mostly those _insufferable_ Americans, we are a simple, humble group of like-minded individuals dedicated to the greater justice and well-being of the world, yes."

"So that means you're good guys, right?" said Ruby.

The old man shrugged. "Perhaps, if you would like to think of it in terms of simple moral paradigms. Some of our methods and practices might be a bit less than noble, but indeed, we are a most peaceful organization."

"Your hospitality has been more than generous," said The King as he stuffed hummus-covered flat-bread into his face. "Now, seeing as you have brought us here, what does your organization want with us?"

"I was just about to get to that, yes. As some of you may be well aware, I am the last of the ancient Indian chiefs. In our tribe, there is an ancient prophesy that tells of the Great Shrekoning that is to come. The prophesy has stated that one day the Chosen One would pass through these desert lands, a day to which I have prepared the entirety of my existence."

Ruby raised her hand, "So is Weiss the Chosen One?"

"Indeed you are correct, my donkey friend." Weiss simply opened her mouth in confusion as the elderly man adjusted his glasses once more. "Only when the Chosen One has gathered all of Shrek's companions in the castle of the Fairy Godmother shall the great Ogrelord arise from the ashes to help defeat her and bring happiness to all the realm. But first you would need to reach the castle of the Fairy Godmother. Fortunately, that's where we come in."

"Wha…?" uttered Weiss.

"So," said King Harkininian, "how exactly do we go about finding these companions?"

"There is no need to worry about that part, for in due time, Shrek's companions shall gather around you," Gandhi replied. "A few of them have joined your numbers already."

"Am I one of them?" said the white-haired boy, pointing to himself.

"Not quite, for you are in truth Daenerys Targaryen, the mother of dragons."

"But I'm Arslan…"

"So he really is the real Daenerys Targaryen!" Ruby said as she stood up.

Arslan merely sighed.

The head of the Elder Council clasped his hands together. "Weiss Schnee, true heiress to the Schnee Dust Company, we members of the Elder Council wish to aid you on your quest to defeat Nora Valkyrie and her evil minions, for only in doing so shall the prophesy come to fulfillment. However, getting you back to Vale shall be no easy task, for not only does Nora command the obedience of Gilgamesh, the strongest of all Heroic Spirits, but she also has the allegiance of the American government!" Gandhi leaned in and whispered, "We can help you get rid of both of these threats at once."

"That sounds like an awfully big promise…" replied Weiss.

"Do you really want to go back in there on your own?" asked Adam Taurus.

"Besides," said Link, "you're going to need all the help you can get."

"Hmm…" Weiss muttered to herself, "Alright, what exactly would you have us do?"

"One thing at a time, dearie! I can assure you that we have the resources adequate for carrying out our purpose, but we may require your assistance, namely in taking out some of the American defenses along with their power grid. We can discuss the exact details of our plan later. Now, Mr. Ikari, would you like to show our guests around the facility?"

Gendo Ikari stood up, adjusting his pink-shaded glasses. "I'd be more than honored."

* * *

 **A/N: Hi everyone! Hope y'all are still enjoying this! This chapter might have been a bit poorly timed due to recent events, but I've kinda got a schedule to maintain. I wasn't sure whether I covered everything I wanted to say or if I should've added more stuff like Neo reflecting on things, but I felt like this would be a good stopping point. The next chapter or two is gonna be another one of those big battles, so it might take me a while to write it. As always, be sure to comment/subscribe and whatnot and stay tuned for the next chapter!**


	20. Weiss and Ruby Play Call of Duty: Part 1

President Frank Underwood had been in the middle of brushing his teeth when he heard a knock on the bathroom door. He quickly spat out the foaming white toothpaste, seeing as the only people who would be authorized to contact him at this time would be either the VP, Edward Meechum, his chief of staff Doug Stamper, Grayson, or Claire.

It was Stamper. "Mr. President, are you in there?"

"What is it?" At any rate, it couldn't be good.

"We've got a breach in the Pentagon's security networks. It's bad."

After he finished cleaning himself off, Frank stepped outside the bathroom to meet with his chief of staff and bodyguards. "Can't our guys in cyber-security take care of this?"

"It's Obamacare."

The president took a moment to absorb the truth of his underling's statement. "Damn. Alright, Stamper, get to the situation room and set up the override console."

"On it, sir."

Just as Doug Stamper began to run off, President Underwood quickly added, "And get Miss Valkyrie on the line. We're going to need all the help we can get. Meechum, you're coming with me."

"Yes, sir," responded his personal bodyguard.

As President Underwood and his secret service strode down the hallway, the president began to make one of his personal asides, "You know, back in the day, I never would've expected that gaming would ever become the issue that it is now. I know I like my share of video games from time to time - it helps to relieve the stress - but now that whole sector is just a goddamn mess. First it was just the Doritos incident - nobody thought anything about it - but then the whole GamerGate fiasco happened and the world exploded into chaos. Serbian nationalists, Dwarves, Spartans, and those godless Turks all go at each other again and all of a sudden Russia and Brazil are back in the middle ages. It's only lucky that the States have managed to remain mostly intact, and God knows we need someone who can finally bring some freedom and democracy to this world."

Just as Frank and his staff turned around the corner, Meechum spoke up, "Um, Sir, this is the pantry."

"Of course I know that. I just figured we'd get something to fill our stomachs in the meantime."

The President swiftly obtained about six large bottles of Mountain Dew and four extra-large bags of Mountain Dew flavored Doritos, handing each item to his personal bodyguard.

"Now, Meechum, how much have you been familiarizing yourself with the Pentagon's new security system?"

"I've been practicing everyday, sir."

"Good, good, good."

Once the President and his staff had gathered everything they would need for the upcoming meeting, they returned to the main hall and headed for the meeting room.

Inside, Doug Stamper was waiting for them.

"It's ready, sir."

President Underwood quickly examined the Playstation system set up in the middle of the long table along with the four wireless controllers beside it. A large HD monitor stood hanging on the back end of the room. The screen was currently showing which of the Pentagon's systems had been compromised in an easy-to-understand, branching diagram.

"Excellent work. Now let us begin," said President Underwood as he made his way over to the console.

Frank turned to his unseen audience once more as he began another one of his internal monologues, "Back in the good ol' days our nation's cybersecurity used to be handled by our tech junkies, but after some of our top scientists had confirmed the existence of magical ponies, well, things haven't been the same. Now, viruses are more adaptive and nastier than ever. The only way to keep people from infiltrating our government databases is by using a little bit of magic ourselves.

"And this baby right here," the President knocked on the gaming console right next to him, "is our last line of defense. Many people have tried to break in through our security systems - some of those fools couldn't even thwart stage one even with the help of their unicorn magic - but none of them have made it past me. You see, I didn't become President of the United States through simple charm and good looks, though those things might have helped of course. If those God forsaken heathens think they can take down the champ, well, they've got another thing coming."

President Underwood took a seat and picked up his controller as his agents unloaded the snacks onto the table. Stamper pressed a few buttons on his Wii U remote, causing a set of heavy dubstep speakers to emerge from the walls.

"You boys ready for this?" the President asked his compatriots.

"Affirmative, sir," Meechum replied.

"Alright. Stamper, initiate the override system."

The chief of staff pressed another set of buttons on the remote and then made his way over to the table.

The screen turned black, displaying the FaZe Clan logo as it loaded up the security override program. Seeing as _Call of Duty_ was the series the president was the most familiar with, the arcane-woven program had taken a number of inspirations from it.

Right as the game-like simulation loaded up to the title screen, Claire Underwood walked into the room, still wearing her nightgown.

"What's going on?"

"It's nothing you need to worry about," said the President. "I'm just going to blow off a little steam."

* * *

Obama ibn Hassad looked up as he typed away on the computer console. "The infiltration is nearing 87 percent. Pretty soon the Americans will be forced to use their override system, one of the most powerful cybersecurity systems the world has to offer."

"And that's where we come in, right?" asked Ruby as she picked up a nearby Xbox controller.

"Indeed. The only way to bypass such as system is through the tenacity of a living soul integrated with the latest in gaming technology. Though magitek systems may be more thorough and efficient on their own, they cannot match the raw magical power of a human-integrated system."

"So in other words," added Weiss, "that's why those idiots are using a video game system as their last line of defense?"

"Basically," said President Obama.

"What a bunch of idiotic dolts."

"Uh, guys," Arlsan interrupted, "didn't we have this conversation earlier?"

"Well, yeah," said Ruby, "but the audience wasn't here for that, so we're just going over it again."

"If you say so…"

Arslan could only watch as the 24-inch TV screen displayed the title screen, with the _Call of Duty_ logo taking up a large portion. Aside from this screen and the bluish light emitting from Obama's computer, the room was dimly lit, with only a flicker of light coming from the two doors to the side. It looked much like one would expect from an ordinary living room, complete with a leather couch and a shelving unit for storing game disks, though Arslan had never encountered such rooms during his time at the main palace.

Daryun and Adam were currently doing patrols on the entire facility to ensure nobody broke in while Weiss and Ruby performed their task. Twilight Sparkle and the Blue Meanie had accompanied The King to perform one of those so-called summoning rituals, since he apparently had something that would allow him to conjure a Heroic Spirit. Gandhi, Mussolini, Link, and Snoopy were probably off elsewhere doing their own thing.

Then there was that strange lady who had pink and brown hair, or Neo as some of the others called her. The lady never seemed to talk, yet people like Ruby seemed to be able to understand her. For whatever reason, the large biomech Gendo Ikari kept down in the hangar had attacked her on sight, without any explanation whatsoever. As such, Neo was currently down in the med bay, still recovering from her injuries. After that incident, Arslan had tried speaking to her, to see if he could learn anything about her, but she remained an enigma as ever.

 _Why don't I know anything that's going on?_

As the Parsian prince remained deep in thought, the screen began to load up the servers to the Pentagon. Several names began to show up on screen, organized into terrorist and counter-terrorist teams, though the terrorist team currently had no members. All the players present were level 420, with a marijuana emblem to show for it.

Ruby leaned in forward to get a better look. "Oh, shit, they've got the leader of FaZe clan on their team!"

Although it took a few seconds for Arlsan to puzzle out, Ruby seemed to be referring to **[FaZe]GG_420Ford_Nixon,** who was accompanied by **[FaZe]The_Stamp_Man** and **[USA]Souljah_boi_1796.**

After a few seconds, however, two names appeared in the bottom section, reserved for the terrorist team. These were **[SDC]True_Ice_Heiress** and **[RBY]xXx_1337Reaper_xXx,** which were Weiss and Ruby's gamertags respectively.

Ruby briefly turned to face Obama ibn Hassad, "Say, do you think you could get Pyrrha to join us?"

The president of Uzbekistan briefly lifted a finger in response. "I'll be right on it."

As Obama began to make his Skype call, a few more names began to appear on the screen in the upper section: **[MLG]Pancakes,** **[MLG]Conquerer567, [RED]is_totally_not_a_spy, [MLG]KUNG_FU_JESUS, [MLP]THE_GREAT_AND_POWERFUL_TRIXIE,** and **[MLG]MEEN_BEAN_MACHINE.**

"This isn't looking very good," remarked Weiss.

"Dayyum, that's a lot of players we're going to be up against," said Ruby.

Weiss squinted harder at the screen, "Is that supposed to be Nora?"

"Probably, I mean she does like pancakes after all."

"But how in Dust did she get a hold of that name?"

"Bribery?"

Arslan twiddled his thumbs in anticipation as the host continued to load up the game. He didn't really have any idea who any of these people could be, since he had never ventured far outside the Kingdom of Pars. The girls sitting next to him seemed pretty good at the game, seeing how they practiced all day, but only time would tell if their skills would be enough for the task ahead.

"Come on!" shouted Ruby. "I wanna quickscope some noobs!"

Right as she said this, Arslan thought he saw a bundle of glowing, thorny, purplish vines stretch out from Ruby's arms and penetrate into her controller, though no one else seemed to comment on this.

After a minute or so, a few more names appeared on the screen, this time on the bottom team: **[JNPR]Spartan_Princess555, [420]SN00P_DAWGMLG,** **[KFC]ReptarRider64,** and **[MLP]2psycho4U.**

"Alright!" shouted Ruby. "Pyrrha's here! Let's kick some ass!"

* * *

Shortly after the server finished loading, Weiss and Ruby were on the class selection screen. Even though they were using the same TV screen, it was large enough for a split view to be practical. The two girls quickly selected their preferred classes, which they had already configured during their training. Ruby had opted for a sniper's kit that would allow her to quickscope her enemies with ease, while Weiss's loadout was much simpler, using a submachine gun as her primary weapon along with perks that would allow her to aim on the run, hit harder, and resupply on the fly.

Minutes later, the two of them spawned into the level, which seemed to be some semi-urban neighborhood going up along a sloping hill.

"I don't remember playing on this level," Ruby remarked.

The two of them looked around the virtual terrain as the rest of their team spawned close by. A few of the graphics seemed out of place, flashing with a purple-and-black checkerboard texture every so often.

Weiss then swung over, nearly crashing into Arslan on the couch, "Grenade!"

As soon as Weiss shouted on her headset, everyone else dashed to move out of the way of the incoming projectile. Luckily, everyone had seemed to move out of the way before the grenade could land.

A series of pop-ups scrolled up the bottom-left hand side as it recorded every player on Weiss's team getting blasted by **[MLG]Pancakes's** grenade launcher.

Nora's voice could be heard throughout the facility, _"GET SHREKT NOOBS!"_

" _HOW THE FUCK DID SHE DO THAT? THAT GRENADE WASN'T ANYWHERE CLOSE TO US!"_

Weiss nearly slammed her controller onto the floor, but the strange glowing vines shooting out from Ruby grabbed hold of the controller and then returned it to Weiss.

"How… since when were you able to do that?"

Ruby's eyes remained on the screen as she waited to respawn. "I dunno. I just found out I could do that right now."

"You think…"

Before Weiss could finish her remark, the two of them spawned back in the simulation, along with the rest of their team.

Another one of Nora's grenades came hurling down from some unseen location, wiping out the whole team before anyone could react.

"DUST DAMMIT! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET AROUND THAT?"

Obama briefly looked up and then continued typing away at his computer. "Let's see if I can…"

Nora's voice once again boomed out from the TV speakers, _"MUAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO STEAL MY PANCAKES, WEISS SCHNEE!"_

Weiss shouted at the screen, "You mean to tell me you chased us across the entire continent just so you could beat us in this stupid game?"

"Well, duh! I mean, it's not technically _Call of Duty_ since this is more of a hodge-podge of various shooter games like _Call of Duty_ and _Team Fortress 2_ and…."

While Nora was busy speaking about herself, Ruby leaned closer to Weiss, pushed her mic away, and whispered into her ear, "Psst, you might want to turn your mic to team-chat. Let's make a run for it while she's distracted, okay?"

Weiss nodded, and then slid the tab on her headset to take her mic off all-chat.

Just as Weiss's team finished spawning in, the two girls immediately jerked their joysticks so they could take cover under one of the nearby buildings.

 _ **-KABOOM!-**_

Weiss's controller slid out of her hands as she watched her entire team get wiped out once again.

"How…?"

Nora's banter continued on, "…So basically, I hired a bunch of people who were good at torturing people to help me think of different ways I could make you _PAY FOR STEALING MY DELICIOUS FUCKING PANCAKES!_ Oh, and if you thought you were being sneaky and clever by doing that, well, you're wrong! _I'M AN ELITE MLG MUTHAFUCKING NO-SCOPER,_ and if you think you can get past me and Mr. President over here, then you're a stupid mean dummy-head!"

A ding suddenly came from Hassad's computer. "Alright, it's ready. I'm sending the relocation files over to the other users."

The former Schnee heiress picked the controller off the ground once more as they waited for their team to respawn once more. Arslan got off the couch and then sat against the wall.

When the timer finally counted down, Ruby and Weiss's team found themselves in a small abandoned cafe area right alongside a moderately sized building. Seconds later, one of Nora's grenades exploded somewhere out in the distance.

Weiss let out a sigh of relief.

"Looks like we're safe for now," remarked Ruby. "Thanks, President Obama/Osama, whatever your name is."

Shortly after, the user **[420]SN00P_DAWGMLG** began playing some audio blip over all chat, in which some street rapper advised his audience to partake in marijuana consumption on a daily basis.

"Wha… what kind of insane idiotic dunce would play that crap?" said Weiss.

"Let me just check…"

As Ruby said this, the vines going into her controller, which inexplicably looked and functioned like Joseph Joestar's Purple Hermit, started pulsing with arcane energy. A few seconds later, a video screen appeared in the bottom right hand corner of Ruby's side of the screen, displaying Snoopy with his Xbox controller while wearing sunglasses and smoking two joints.

"Good grief…" groaned the heiress.

Prince Arslan suddenly stood up from where he was. "Huh, now that I think of it, he does kinda look like the Sultan of Turkey."

"I don't really see the resemblance," said Ruby.

Weiss turned to face her partner. "You think you can do anything else with that thing of yours?"

"Guess it's worth a shot."

As several energy pulses flowed through Ruby's newfound stand, a number of extraneous windows began to pop up on Ruby's screen, only to be closed immediately. Occasionally, Ruby's perspective would jerk around as her stand sent in signals that replicated controller inputs, only for in-game error message to appear on screen and rectify her position. However, Ruby was able to bring up the screens for Pyrrha and Chuckie, though she was denied access for the enemy team's members. Furthermore, attempting to bring up **[MLP]2Psycho4U** caused an error message to appear.

Pyrrha jumped back a bit after her screen came up, "H…how did you… is that a stand?"

Ruby shrugged. "I suppose so? Either way, it looks like I can hack into video games now."

"That sounds… swell. Why don't you try using that to grant us invincibility or something?"

"Already tried that. The game won't let me."

"Uh… guys…" Chuckie said as he raised his arm, "is it okay if I go to the potty right now?"

Ruby briefly looked at Weiss and then replied, "Sure!"

"Thanks!" Chuckie immediately jumped off the bed he was sitting on and rushed out of his room.

"Okay," said Pyrrha. "So what's…"

 _"YOU THERE, COMMON SIMPLETONS!"_ The voice of **[MLP]THE_GREAT_AND_POWERFUL_TRIXIE** boomed from out of the screen.

Both Ruby and Weiss's viewscreens swept around the area as they searched for their new foe.

"There!" shouted Ruby as she pointed to a lone marine standing on top of a small building across the descending hill.

 _"DO YOU THINK YOU FOOLS ARE A MATCH FOR MY INNATE MAGICAL PROWESS! BEHOLD, FOR YOU DO NOT STAND A CHANCE AGAINST THE…"_

 _ **-POW!-**_

As Trixie's model fell down from the edge of the building, the server recorded Ruby's kill a la quickscope.

"YES! FIRST BLOOD!" shouted the scythe-wielder as she leapt from the couch.

"Not really," remarked Weiss.

"Oh hey," said Nora, "there you guys are! I don't know if I can actually hit you guys with my grenades from here, but it's a good thing I've got attack helicopters!"

The moment the vampire girl said this, an MH-53 attack helicopter flew in behind Weiss's team from the southwest.

 _"RUN!"_ Pyrrha shouted over team chat.

When the order was given, Weiss scrambled over to the left, northern, side of the building while Ruby circled around the building's right side. Everyone else, aside from Chuckie, went down the small slope just behind the group and split off in various directions. In the ensuing panic and mayhem, Chuckie, Snoopy, and **[MLG]2Psycho4U** were quickly shot down by Nora's bullets, which uplifted the dirt wherever they hit. Nora's helicopter soon began above the landscape as it chased after Weiss.

" _POOPIE-COCK!"_ shouted Nora, _"WHY CAN'T I USE MY GRENADES? I COULD TOTALLY MLG-NO-SCOPE YOU RIGHT NOW FROM WHERE YOU'RE STANDING! REEEEEENN! DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEM!"_

Weiss's character continued sprinting up the hill, passing through a mildly forested circular hub, until she reached what appeared to be an open glade, surrounded by roads and tall buildings, including an expansive museum with trappings of Spartan architecture to Weiss's left.

In the meantime, Ruby had taken cover underneath a small alcove under the cafe building's south side, which had a number of glass-covered signs for advertising tap-dancing concerts along with a small garage-like area.

"Weiss!"

"I'm kinda busy right now!"

"Let's try and meet up in this building."

While Weiss was circling around the building, keeping an eye out for the helicopter's position, her screen occasionally flickered towards the building's east side, which featured a black, pyramid-like structure, bordered by a set of iron railings, that jutted out a few feet away from the main structure.

"Try breaking in through there!" Ruby said as she pointed to a series of narrow windows.

Weiss simply nodded, and then rushed toward the east side of the building, firing her submachine gun at the windows, which shimmered with reddish-purple light as they shattered into millions of tiny pixels.

Simultaneously, Ruby ran up to the window-covered entrance and smashed her rifle into it. Her stand glowed as she performed this maneuver.

As Nora's chopper flew by overhead, her voice boomed once more, "HOW ON REMNANT DID YOU DO THAT? THOSE WINDOWS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE INDESTRUCTIBLE! Whatever! You may have beaten the first level, but there's no way you're getting past all of us, _BECAUSE THIS IS MY SWAMP!_ So long as I'm queen of the fucking castle, you'll never be able to hack into the main U.S databases! _MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

As Nora desperately tried to shoot Weiss through the windows, the heiress quickly rushed over to a stairwell nearby, which mostly shielded her from the attacks outside.

After another or so, Ruby and Weiss reunited within the lobby of the cafe building, which seemed to resemble that of a post office.

"Is everyone alright?" Ruby asked on team chat. A somewhat dismal grumble came from Snoopy.

"I'm feeling terrific!" said the user named **[MLP]2Psycho4U.** "It's not like I'm neglecting my studies for this… _Hehehehehe…!"_

"Okay…" muttered Weiss.

"Everything is fine here for the most part," Pyrrha responded. "I haven't encountered any other resistance thus far, but I don't expect that will last."

Looking at the minimap, Pyrrha seemed to have entered one of the larger building south of Weiss and Ruby's location, whereas everyone else seemed to be stuck outside.

"Right," sighed the heiress, "so now what to we do?"

Everyone was silent for a moment, until Obama ibn Hassad rose up from where he was, "I suspect our American foes may have planted the main access point to the Pentagon databases somewhere on this map, otherwise we would have been able to bypass this simulation completely. If we are to fulfill our mission to disarm the enemy defense grid, we will need to secure that access point, however long that will take. It's likely that the bulk of the enemy forces are grouped there, in order to prevent us from stumbling on it by accident."

"So in other words," Ruby began, "we just gotta find where Nora and her friends are and then kick them in their butts, right?"

"Essentially. Now that you've found a secure position, I shall once again relocate the spawn point."

"Uh…" spoke up Arslan, "do you know if there's like a time limit on this sort of thing?"

"Not quite, though now that we have begun our active infiltration of the Pentagon's databases, our systems might prove vulnerable to counterattacks. Adam and the others will do all they can to delay these attacks, but I suggest you act quickly."

"Roger," said Pyrrha.

"So," began Ruby, "any idea where they might be?"

"I think they might be stationed east of our current location, based on the trajectory of those grenades. Considering our current placement, I'd like to scout on ahead, if you would allow me to do so."

"I don't see why not," said Arslan, yawning for a moment.

"Yeah, that sounds like a great idea Pyrrha," Ruby added, briefly standing up from her seat. "Just be sure to say something if you see anything."

Pyrrha nodded. "Got it."

"Alright, see you later!" The live video stream of Pyrrha then closed out. "So, Weiss, where do you think we should go now?"

"I found something on the way here. Follow me."

The two girls then began making their way down the narrow hall where Weiss came after descending down the stairs.

* * *

President Underwood sat reclining in his seat as he lazily watched the screen above him. His fingertips were crusted with Doritos cheese and his bladder was close to exploding from drinking Mountain Dew.

He didn't expect he would have to wait thirty minutes before getting some action.

The Valkyrie girl had done a decent job at locking down Weiss and her crew while the folks at the Pentagon jury-rigged a bot to strike at the heart of the enemy base. Granted, Weiss Schnee and her friends had managed to slip by Nora's defenses, but Nora's presence was enough to deter the enemy from rushing the castle head-on.

It's just that waiting for the enemy to come was so mind-numbingly dull.

Still, in spite of the girl's supposed lack of skill, Weiss Schnee was making progress through the override system, and that was enough cause for concern.

President Underwood rose up in his seat, "Stamper."

"What is it, Mr. President?"

"Get Miss Durant on the line. Tell her to execute Order 66."

"Understood, sir." Doug Stamper got up, left his controller on the table, and then began to walk out of the room.

Claire Underwood leaned forward from where she was seated, "Order 66, you don't mean…"

 _"GOD DAMMIT!"_ Stewie shouted over team chat, _"I'M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS WAITING GAME!_ When are we going to get some bloody action? It's just day after day after day sitting around in that pot-smoked room doing nothing but eating pancakes while everyone else gets to have all the fun! You know what, _FUCK THIS! I'M SICK OF THIS GODDAMN COMPANY AND I'M SICK OF EATING PANCAKES EVERY BLOODY DAY! I QUIT!"_

 **[MLG]Conquerer567** has left the game.

Frank looked on at the screen with mild annoyance, and then turned to face an unseen audience, "Well, it looks like one player couldn't take the pressure. This might have some consequences later on, but I'm sure we can handle things our end."

"Francis…"

"Claire, you know this as well as I do. What needs to be done needs to be done. We've got standard protocols for everything. Now, I suggest you get on the bus before shit decides to hit the fan."

A pair of currently unoccupied guards then began to escort the First Lady out of the situation room.

Moments later, two players, **[UU]** **(͡°** ͜ʖ ͡°) and **[FSN]ColchisPrincess** , entered the game on Nora's team. Frank didn't recognize either of the gamertags, but additional helping hands were always welcome, no matter the situation.

"This should be interesting…"

* * *

 **A/N: I'm starting to get the feeling that trying to cram this many crossovers and cameos into one fic was a bad idea.**

 **Anyway, I hope the whole gamertag system/labeling isn't too jarring to read, as I felt that the readers should know what they are since the characters can see them. The moment I brought Frank Underwood into the story, I knew I would have to write a chapter where Weiss, Ruby and crew face off against him in Call of Duty. The only problem is I don't play much of the games myself, so I'm not all that familiar with how the meta works, and I don't have the same intuition that people who play the game would have. As such, I decided to have them play in a sort of hybrid system, as I'm a bit more familiar with TF2 and the like. It probably would have been better if I had chosen to limit myself to CoD and if I had done more research on the game itself, but I felt that using a sort of hybrid method would be better for the purposes of this story.**

 **I was originally going to write the scene in which Neo is mauled by an EVA mech, or whatever their actual name is, but I didn't feel like it fit in the flow of things.**

 **While this chapter would technically fall under an "Intermission" chapter, I've decided to stop using this naming scheme to delineate chapters that aren't told from Neo's point of view, as it simply takes up too much title space.**

 **So anyway, I hope y'all still like this chapter even though I've probably made a crapton of mistakes while writing it, and I apologize if it may have been a bit of a disappointment. I'm not 100% sure if Chuckie is still supposed to be alive at this point or if I've killed him off in one of the previous chapters. Either way, this mini-arc is easily going to be a multi-parter, simply because of how complex the scenario is compared to previous battles. So, with that out of the way, be sure to leave your thoughts or comments by leaving a review and like/subscribe to this fic if you've enjoyed it.**


	21. Weiss and Ruby Play Call of Duty: Part 2

Ruby and Weiss leaned in closer to the screen as they examined the new players who had entered into the mix.

"Any idea who those people are?" Weiss asked her partner.

"I think the second gamertag is supposed to refer to something from Fate/stay night. I can't say anything about the first one though. It's a pretty common name on the message boards."

As Snoopy, Chuckie, and **[MLP]2Psycho4U** spawned back in the main lobby, the two girls continued down the narrow hallway, passing by a branch leading into the stairway along with a small courtyard to their left.

"Why do you think that one guy left?" asked Arslan.

"Who knows?" said Weiss.

"Maybe he had to take a potty break like Chuckie," Ruby replied, before turning to President Obama. "Say, do you know if there's anyone else who can join our team?"

"Perhaps," answered the turbaned man, "but I would prefer not to relieve our comrades from their current duties."

"What about Neo?"

"Nice try, Ruby," the heiress interjected, "but I don't think that silent buffoon is in any condition to be playing high stakes video games right now."

"I believe that can be arranged," said the Uzbek President.

Arslan and Weiss both turned to the man at once, "What?"

"This will only take a few minutes…"

In the meantime, the two girls, now being trailed by Snoopy and **[MLP]2Psycho4U** , entered into what appeared to be a large archive, with movable stacks arrayed to their left and right, and an opening peering down into the lower level surrounded by railings and wooden tables.

As soon as they all entered into the opening alcove, a grenade shot up from this hole and bounced towards the girls.

" _GRENADE!"_ shouted Weiss.

Everyone that was currently present rushed to take cover behind one of the movable bookshelves or one of the side railings, though Twilight Sparkle wasn't so lucky. Ruby rushed forward to try to meet the threat head on, but then a series of beeps came from behind her as a sentry gun hidden in one of the aisles in the left stack.

Seconds after the screen recorded the kill, **[MLG]MEEN_BEAN_MACHINE** , whose voice resembled that of Gwonam, began speaking through all-chat. "Good evening children, and welcome to my whimsical world of fun and games! Did you think you could get past my tricks and traps so easily, hmmm? Well, I've got a special surprise for you! It's called _GETTING OWNED! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

The second Ignatius Mortimer Meen finished his statement, a blur of a figure rushed at both Weiss and Snoopy from behind one of the stacks and tackled them with a knife.

"Well isn't this just swell!" seethed Weiss.

Shortly after the kill-screen displayed on Weiss's side of the TV, Snoopy's whimper could be heard through team chat. Though, on a closer inspection, the one who had killed Weiss, Snoopy, and Twilight Sparkle had not been **[MLG]MEEN_BEAN_MACHINE** but instead **[MLG]KUNG_FU_JESUS**.

Pyrrha's video stream then came up on Ruby's side of the TV. "What's going on over there?"

"We're getting attacked by an insane pedophile!" replied the scythe-user.

The Spartan princess made an awkward grin. "I wish you luck with that endeavor. I haven't found anything on my end, so I'll just… Dammit! I've gotta go!"

Pyrrha's video screen then closed out.

"Okay, now what do we do now?" asked Ruby.

"I guess we keep pushing through that archive until we break through," said Weiss. "We've got unlimited lives, right?"

"I don't see anything wrong with that," replied Ruby, who was still staring at the screen.

"That sounds like a great idea!" said **[MLP]2Psycho4U.** "Maybe if we have enough time left, we can be study buddies together! Hehehe!"

"Remember girls, time is of the essence," Obama added.

"Say," said Weiss, "You think you can check to see if Chuckie's back yet?"

Ruby brought up the footage to Chuckie's computer. "Doesn't look like it."

"Okay then. Snoopy, uh… Twilight, you two stay here and keep watch in case someone tries to attack."

"Awww…" muttered Twilight Sparkle.

After Snoopy gave an affirmative grumble, the two girls began to head down the main hallway.

* * *

Adam Taurus wandered throughout Al Qaeda's deep underground laboratories, his eyes ever vigilant. Technically, the Elder Council had cameras hidden throughout the facility, along with machine gun turrets and battle droids, but it never hurt to have some actual men on the ground.

Despite the fort's early Islamic trappings, the underground facilities looked more like the inside of a spaceship, seeing as it was built from scrap metal and decommissioned aircraft carriers. Weiss and her lot were using one of the guest rooms, while Gandhi and King Harkinian were doing work behind the scenes. Adam was planning on giving the Blue Meanie a visit to observe one of his experiments, which would probably be useful in case the Serbs planned on launching a surprise assault from the northwest.

 _How did I ever get into this mess?_

Some time ago, the White Fang had been fighting for the advancement of Faunus rights. Now, they were simply trying to survive.

After General Ironwood defeated them in Vale, the White Fang was forced to flee east. The devastation of the Grrm at the hands of the Cataclysm helped to ease their journey, but when they had reached Mistral, things had gotten much worse. Soon, the White Fang was involved in more wars and border conflicts than anyone could imagine. The only reason they were even involved with Al Qaeda was due to the rise of the Turkish Sultanate, along with its ultra-nationalist Serbian rival, neither of whom were willing to work with Faunus folk.

 _There's nothing left of us at this point. We're just mercenaries without a cause._

Adam strolled down the metal-lined corridor, passing by one of the testing hangars.

At the far end of the hall, however, Adam spotted an Atlesian security droid passing through the T-shaped intersection.

 _That's definitely unusual._

Considering there were droid hatches hidden every few feet or so and deployment bays every so often, there wasn't any need for droids to be wandering the halls by themselves.

As soon as the robot passed, Adam began moving stealthily down the hall, leaning up against the walls. While most droids possessed proximity sensors that could detect incoming attacks, Adam was fairly confident that he could disarm the droid before it could do any damage, considering most droids lacked the protection aura provided.

Adam quietly drew out Wilt, and then rushed to strike the droid's arms off.

 **-CRACK!-**

With one swift, fluid motion, the droid rotated around, struck both of Adam's hands with its hard, metallic arms, and knocked the sword out of his hands.

 _What the…_

Before Adam could move into his next attack, the robot pivoted onto its right foot and roundhouse kicked Adam in the side, before running up to the Faunus as he slammed into the ground and then kicked him right in the jaw.

Adam tried reaching over to his gun-sheath in order to blast the robot at close range, but the Atlesian Knight grabbed onto the arm and then whipped him right into the wall. If it wasn't for his Aura, the White Fang captain would have dislocated his arm and would have received a serious concussion.

 _Since when did these things become so strong?_

Before the robot could blast Adam in the chest, curled both his arms in and then threw his full weight forward as he tumbled into the ground, throwing the robot off balance as it tumbled into the ground with him.

While the droid futilely attempted to kick at his shins and sides, Adam had managed to gain enough time to pull out Blush and bring it right to his adversary's face.

Before the captain could fire it, however, the robot simply kicked its legs right into Adam's thighs, throwing Adam off his mark before his attack could connect.

 _ **-BOOM!-**_

The weapon's recoil sent Adam tumbling across the hard steel floor, at least forty feet away from the unusually adept droid.

Even then, the robot was rushing at him, pelting him with a spray of energy bullets.

Adam immediately sprinted out of the way, flipped open an emergency panel on the wall and pulled on the switch inside.

The corridor began glowing red as the local sirens started screaming "Intruder Alert!" over and over again.

As the rogue droid began examining its current situation, several panels began opening up along the walls, floor, and ceilings, revealing a number of security drones, Atlasian Knights, and machine gun turrets, all aiming their weapons at the rogue droid.

During this confusion, Adam swiftly moved to pick up Wilt and ran down the hallway to recuperate behind a corner. Even while moving, the lone android was making quick work of the base's security systems.

 _Since when could droids pull crap like that?_

Adam had heard of a few robots capable of projecting their own aura, but usually those things had special weapons of their own.

This thing? It was just an ordinary android, yet it could fight and improvise like a trained hunter or even one of the great Kung Fu masters like Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan.

Not to mention, this thing had somehow avoided triggering the facility's automatic surveillance systems along with Gandhi's oversight.

As Adam Taurus peeked down the hall once again, he could see the rogue droid sprinting down the hall as it took cover from behind one of the panels ripped off the walls.

 _We're gonna need backup for this._

* * *

Everyone looked up as the alarm system began ringing throughout the facility.

"Shit, what's going on?" asked Ruby.

During her momentary distraction, Ruby's character once again wandered into a hidden sentry gun's line of fire.

"It has begun," grumbled Obama ibn Hassad, his eyes closed and his arms crossed.

"What do you mean?"

"The enemy has begun to infiltrate our facility with viruses of their own, though I'm not sure what form they will take. You girls would best continue with the task at hand while we do our job."

After standing up and sipping from his bottle of orange juice, Arslan walked up behind Obama's screen.

"Let me fight them."

"I'm afraid this isn't an enemy you can fight hand-to-hand. But there _is_ another way you can help."

While typing away at the computer, the Uzbek president pulled out a spare laptop from a nearby drawer, and handed it to the Parsian prince.

"The power cord and network cable should be in the bottom two drawers. Read the tutorial for operating the defense override system before diving into the program itself. This is expensive military hardware you're dealing with, so I don't want you blowing anything up on your first run."

Arslan bowed. "Thank you."

As the prince set up his new computer and the sirens wailed in the halls outside, Ruby and Weiss continued their tedious assault through Mr. Meen's archive. For every sentry they managed to bypass, the insane old geezer would set up another one to deter their journey further, transforming the library into an ever shifting labyrinth. Not even once did they ever see the man's in-game model.

"Where the hell is Gwonam when you need him?" lamented Ruby.

"His phone didn't pick up when I tried contacting him," Obama replied, "though I can try calling him again… Currently unavailable."

"Well, The King did say he was going off to rescue Princess Zelda," Weiss replied. "I wonder what Pyrrha's up to."

Ruby brought up the video chat for Pyrrha, only to be greeted by a high pitched shriek and the face of Jeff the Killer.

" _HOLY SHIT!"_ cried Ruby.

"Wha-EGAHHH!" Arslan screamed, "What in the world is that?"

The video screen flickered with static as the image flashed to footage of Pyrrha bound and gagged to her chair, with her eyes gouged out and numerous stab wounds all over her body. Furthermore, a strange circular symbol was carved on Pyrrha's forehead, featuring the Triforce of Wisdom in the center.

All the Spartan princess could do was let out a whimpered cry for help.

"Pyrrha!" screamed both Ruby and Weiss.

"How did this happen…?" muttered Ruby.

Weiss stuttered in disbelief. "I… I didn't expect anyone would die in this game." The former Schnee heiress then switched her headset to all-chat. _"NORA, YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"_

"What are you talking about, Weiss?" Nora replied. _"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STOLE MY PRECIOUS FUCKING PANCAKES!_ Not to mention, you keep torturing all the cute little sloth babies!"

"Wha… Why in the name of Dust would I do something like that? I don't even give a crap about your stupid sloth friends!"

"Then why do all the sloths keep dying off? Hmmm?"

"That still doesn't justify what you've done to Pyrrha!"

"Pyrrha? Why would I ever want to do anything to Pyrrha? She's my BFF for life, except for Renny of course. You know, now that you mention it, maybe I should try asking Pyrrha myself to see if she wants to join my team once we're done with this game. Maybe I can try asking Jaune over too so we can all have one big happy reunion!"

"Jaune's dead, you air-headed dolt!"

"Oh…" All-chat went silent for a few moments. "When did this happen?"

"I don't know. It was a few days ago! That stupid fat witch of yours threw him down a bottomless pit when she attacked us at the temple!"

"You mean Beato? Huh, well I guess she would do something like that. I'll just try and tell her not to do stuff like that when I get the chance to talk to her. I mean, I know I'm supposed to be the main bad guy, but that doesn't mean I'm a bad person or anything like that. I just want to make you pay for stealing my pancakes.

"Also, I don't really know what you mean about Pyrrha, cause she looks fine on my screen."

As Nora finished saying this, a new player, **[DC]IAMTHEBATMAN** , joined the game on Weiss's team, spawning as a Red Pyro.

" _OHMYGOD! It's the real Batman!"_ Nora shouted.

Ruby leaned over to Weiss and whispered, "I think that's supposed to be Neo."

"But how?" Weiss whispered back.

Before Ruby could respond back, Nora continued fangirling over Neo's gamertag, " _DAYYUM_ Weiss, you're so lucky! Now that means I just have to own you harder so I can have the real Batman on my team! _MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

Seconds later, Weiss turned to her partner and asked, "Do you think it's over now?"

"I guess?" Ruby replied, "I'm just going to see if Chuckie's still alright."

When the video stream flipped to Chuckie's camera, the red-headed child came bolting into the room, barricading the door with anything he could find and carry. Strange, mesmerizing noises whistled and chanted from outside of the room, coupled with several loud knocks on the door.

"Chuckie, are you alright?"

The boy turned to face the camera. "The monsters… I don't know what to do…"

"What happened?"

"The big scary monsters got Pyrrha, and now they want to eat me. I'm scared…"

Chuckie's head jerked around the room as the eerie, almost angelic calls grew louder and louder.

Ruby turned to the back of the room, "President Hassad, can't we do anything about this?"

The Uzbek president simply sighed, continuing on with his current task. "I'm afraid you ask too much of me."

The voice of a small child began to echo throughout Chuckie's room, corrupted with a demonic taint. _"Teeheehee! Come out and play with me, Chuckie!"_

"G-GO AWAY!" screamed Chuckie, shaking his head.

 _"It's me, Kimi! Just open the door, silly! Teeheeheehee!"_

"No! Get away from me! You're not Kimmy! You're just a big, mean…"

Low, demonic laughter filled the small gaming room they were in, and the video stream suddenly flashed to a pile of mangled corpses before turning to static.

Ruby's controller slipped out of her hands as her stand receded back inside her.

"Chuckie…"

Everyone in the room stood in silence as the wailing of sirens could be heard in the hallway.

After about a minute, Weiss finally noticed a message appear on the in-game chat system.

 **[DC]IAmTheBatman** had written, "Why are you all standing around like a bunch of damn school-kids who don't even know how to tie their own shoelaces?

"I've been standing around here for a good three minutes waiting for you to stop circle-jerking to your goddamn effigies of Shrek.

"We've got a mission to take care of, so lets get it over with."

Weiss turned to her partner. "Does she…"

"But Pyrrha and Chuckie just got attacked!" interrupted Ruby.

Seconds later, Neo's response came on the screen, "Well ain't that a sight for sore eyes? Shit, now we've lost one of the greatest Kung Fu masters of all time, even though that red-headed brat has been nothing but useless so far on this journey. I bet I know who did it too."

"Then who did it? They're going to pay!"

"Who do you think, Red? Who else has been systematically murdering each and every one of our allies from day one?"

The whole room was filled with awkward silence as the two girls glanced at each other, partly because the hallway alarms had inexplicably gone quiet.

"Well, let's get a move on, shall we?" As Neo's response flickered on screen, her character model began entering the hall into the archive.

* * *

President Frank Underwood and his staff looked on in utter bafflement as a man, who inexplicably looked just like the President himself, showed up in an in-game Doritos advertisement.

The president turned over for a small aside, "I don't remember ever making a contract with the guys over at Frito-Lay, though I must say I am quite a fan of their products. Now, I'm a man who's done some research on his family history, and I can say with absolute confidence that I do not have any identical twin brothers. Unless I've missed something important, I'd say we're looking at androids here, and damn realistic ones at that. And considering the folks at Frito-Lay seem so intent on using my young handsome face, maybe I should get a cut of the proceeds."

Frank returned back to the screen to watch as Weiss and her friends continued trying to get through Mr. Meen's labyrinth. There were certain advantages to being the host of the game, in particular being able to access any of the other players' screens at any given time along with their chat systems. Ruby Rose seemed to be using some sort of mod that allowed her to access other players' screens, though luckily everyone on the counter-terrorist team had a built in firewall system that prevented such access without explicit approval.

The accounts of **[UU]** **](͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)** and **[FSN]ColchisPrincess,** on the other hand, were a bit more difficult to access, considering that he couldn't track their character models except by looking at other players' screens. Though, based on what he was able to glean from Ruby, Chuckie, and Pyrrha's screens, it was clear that these two were Jeff the Killer and Kimi Watanabe Finster respectively, though Frank had no idea why they had chosen to use those gamertags in particular.

At any rate, there seemed to be some dissension amongst Nora's ranks. Apparently, Nora's lackeys weren't telling her everything, if one were to take the conversation between Weiss and Nora at face value. Even during his brief visit to the company, President Underwood could tell many of the rank-and-file soldiers were thinking of open revolt. On top of that, General Swain was probably thinking of becoming the top dog himself, based on what Frank had read on him.

Nora's company was just one big house of cards waiting to come falling down.

President Underwood turned to his chief of staff, "Stamper."

Doug rose up from his slouched position. "Yes, sir?"

"See if you can set up a private channel with Weiss Schnee."

"Understood."

As his chief of staff began setting up the necessary tools for running a secure, private chat, the American President turned to his audience once more, "I don't know why I didn't think of doing this sooner rather than later. Maybe the grass I've been smoking all day has finally cleared my senses. So far, this game has been nothing but one big war of attrition, but if I can convince Weiss Schnee to come over to our side, then I'll be able to end this whole darn charade in one fell swoop."

Indeed, Frank Underwood was more than confident that he could use this situation to his advantage. With his troops already in place, he could use Weiss's feud against Nora to take control of the city for American democracy, with support from the malcontents already there. Furthermore, Weiss would also make a useful puppet should he decide to reinstate her as the heiress to the Schnee Dust Company. Of course, he would have to deal with Winter, especially considering she was a tougher cookie than most. But if he could bring down someone like Zoey Barnes, why would Winter be any different?

And of course, if worse comes to worse, he could always return Weiss directly to the Valkyrie girl.

"It always pays to have your options open."

As Doug Stamper finished loading up the necessary programs, a feed going directly to Weiss's camera opened up in a new window.

The president adjusted the mike on his headset, "Good Evening, Ms. Schnee. My name is Frank Underwood. As you may recognize, I am President to the United States of America, one of the greatest God-given nations on this planet. Now, I would like to make a proposition…."

* * *

Almost everyone in the room sat in shock as the President of the United States outlined the details of his offer, which would include not only safe haven in the States and protection from Nora's minions, but also guaranteed meals, free healthcare coverage, high-speed Internet, college education, and a chance to star in their own Hollywood movie.

"This sounds almost too good to be true…" muttered Weiss.

"I dunno," said Arslan. "Can we trust him?"

"This man cannot be trusted," Obama replied almost instantly. "The American President is nothing more than a conniving snake."

"Yeah, plus he's one of Nora's goons," Ruby added.

"I know that, but still, it sounds a lot better that the shit we've had to deal with so far," replied the Heiress. "Plus if that dolt tries double-crossing us or something like that, we can just fight back and capture the President himself!"

"Hmmm… that is an interesting way of putting things," said the Uzbek president. "Perhaps I have spoken too soon."

"Besides, you've got that whole arsenal under the base and that Eva-mech in case anything goes wrong."

"But…" said Ruby, "we have to beat the President of the United States in a game of _Call of Duty_ because that's how…"

"I dunno," said Arslan. "I'm starting to think this is a better idea."

Gandhi's voice suddenly came booming out of the intercom. "Hello boys and girls! I am sure you are having a most wonderful time this evening! But, forgive me for eavesdropping on your little negotiations, but were you kiddies actually thinking about _cooperating_ with the American President?"

A number of well-camouflaged panels strewn about the room opened up to reveal an equal number of gun turrets, now aimed at the four individuals in the room. Furthermore, both Obama and Arslan's computer screens turned bright red as the facility's mainframe took over.

"Now," Gandhi continued, "why don't the four of you continue on with your game of _Call of Duty_? This is a mission of the utmost importance, you know."

* * *

 **A/N: I'm not sure, but I might have rushed this chapter out a bit too early. This chapter wasn't quite what I had originally planned, as I kinda discovered a course of events that seemed to follow the characters' interests a bit better, given the context of the situation. Something similar had happened while writing the battle against Stannis, as Yang originally wasn't supposed to die in that chapter. These sorts of sudden, in-the-moment changes in circumstances is part of why I find writing interesting, especially for plot-lines as convoluted as this fic. I just hope I won't mess up any crucial details and whatnot.**

 **Also, seeing some of the more recent episodes of the main show has given me a couple of ideas of how to integrate Qrow into the main story and its Shrek-laden backstory. The only question is when I should introduce him.**

 **Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy this chapter and be sure to leave comments and stuff.**


	22. Trouble in Terrorist Town

The two girls looked on in shock as their supposed protector held them at gunpoint.

"But Mr. Gandhi, I thought you were supposed to be one of the good guys…" muttered Ruby.

"Now, girls, girls! What I do is for the greater good of all humanity! All of us have a role to play in the Great Shrekoning that is to come, and only through the complete annihilation of the United States shall we ever hope to achieve peace on Remnant! Can you not see the greater picture?"

Weiss, Ruby, Obama, and Arslan stood in silence after Gandhi had spoken. Although Weiss had wanted to blast the ancient Indian chief for his remarks, she would probably be riddled with bullets if she showed any signs of defiance.

"Good… I'm so glad we could come to an understanding. Now just pick up the…"

Daryun suddenly burst through the doors. "Prince Arslan!"

The instant Ruby saw some of the turrets twitch toward the door's direction, she shot her hands toward two of the turrets and grappled onto them with her newfound stand.

As soon as some of the turrets began firing into the doorway, Arslan's bodyguard tumbled into the ground as Link stepped forth to take his place, hurling a boomerang at some of the gun turrets.

Shortly after, Judge Frollo materialized right behind Ruby and Weiss, absorbing a number of bullets with his flaming sword while Weiss conjured a glyph barrier to protect their front side.

As President Hassad and Arlsan took cover under the desk, Daryun lobbed his lance into one of the turrets in back before it could target his young prince.

Frollo then charged at one of the nearby defenses, skewering it with his Valyrian sword. At the same time, Ruby brought out Big Dick, pulled herself up to the turrets she now controlled, and then made quick work of the remaining turrets.

The fight was over in a matter of seconds.

 _"Wha… Grr… CONFOUND THIS USELESS PIECE OF EQUIPMENT!"_ The loud ring of Gandhi smashing his microphone on the floor could be heard throughout the room. "If you want things done right, you ought to do it yourself."

The black knight then stepped up next to his prince, "Your highness, are you alright?"

Arslan then crawled out from underneath the desk, with a few dirt smudges and blood streaks on his face. "I think I'm alright."

The boy then glanced over at Obama ibin Hassad, who had a number of bullet holes going through the side of his stomach.

"Ugh… Go on without me."

As Arlsan, Daryun, and Link began to lament over the Uzbek president's death, Weiss began readjusting her headset. "That's it! We're getting the fuck out of here!" She then brought the microphone up to her face, "Alright, Mr. President, we'll take you on this deal of yours."

"I'm glad we could have this conversation. Now, just tell me your current position so I can have my men pick you up."

Weiss tried describing the general location of the Al Qaeda base to the best of her ability.

"Our boys should be able to pick you up in about three hours or so. Just keep yourself safe until then."

And with that statement, the President's chat screen closed up.

Weiss turned to the rest of her companions, "Okay, now what?"

Arslan spoke up, "I think we should find the others before Gandhi gets to them, especially your friend Neo."

"But what about The King?" asked Link.

"I guess we can pick him up on the way," said Weiss.

"Well, this might not be the adventure I had in mind," said Ruby, "but I'm definitely ready to kick some butt if you guys are."

"Yeah," nodded Weiss. "I'm just going to turn this game off in case someone tries to do something with it."

* * *

Adam Taurus proceeded through the Al Qaeda compound, stopping every so often to unlock the gates barring his way. He had managed to pick up an EMP rifle, along with a few extra grenades, from the local armory. Now all he had to do was stop the rogue droid dead in its tracks.

Considering the structural carnage left in its wake, tracking the robot wasn't too difficult.

Something strange seemed to be going on over the intercom system, judging by Gandhi's increasingly desperate remarks. There didn't seem to be any remarks about the rogue droid wreaking havoc, so it probably had something to do with Weiss Schnee and her compatriots.

 _Maybe it_ _'s about time the White Fang staged a coup._

That would have to wait until later, seeing as there was a robot still on the loose.

But it didn't take too long for Adam to find the droid.

Spotting the robot making its way toward the central computer mainframe, Adam swiftly took cover behind a faraway corner, and then aimed the rifle's sights down the hall.

 _ **-PEW!-PEW!-**_

After the blue flash subsided, the robot emerged largely unaffected. Furthermore, it was now projecting one of those pinkish "AT fields" utilized by Mr. Ikari's biomechs.

 _How on Remnant did it_ _…_

The robot immediately turned toward Adam's direction, "Did you actually think that would work?"

The machine didn't sound anything like standard Atlasian security droids, nor any other robot Adam had met first-hand. The voice had Qrow's rough, cynical quality, but it distinctively did not belong to Qrow.

"What do you want?" Adam asked, still hiding behind cover.

"Don't take this personally, kid. I've just got a mission to take care of."

The robot then emerged from behind the corner, sweeping Adam's gun from out of his hands and pinning the Faunus onto the ground with his left foot.

"I'm gonna blow this place sky high, and there ain't nothing you or your friends can do about it."

"But… won't you die as well?" said Adam, stumbling to find a way to distract the robot.

"Do you think I give a damn what happens to this rusty, old, tin-can? I've got another rig waiting for me at HQ. Listen you piss-ass punk, I've been dead for a long time, and I'm here to seek revenge from the grave. My precious baby-doll doesn't like it when her pancakes are stolen, so I'm here to make sure a certain naughty heiress receives her just desserts."

Adam Taurus tried reaching for one of his grenades, but was quickly met by the hard clamp of his robotic oppressor.

"Don't even think about it. Now, daddy's got some work to take care of, so daddy's gonna need little baby junior to go to sleep."

Just as the robot was about to slam its iron fist into the back of Adam's skull, a nasally, high-pitched voice came from down the hall. "Mr. Lie Ren! What is the meaning of this?"

The robot instantly turned to the source of the noise, "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

Benito Mussolini slowly came into view, holding a simple Colt .45 revolver in his right hand. "You must stop this behavior at once!"

"Ha! And why should I listen to you?"

"Because, Ren, I am your father."

The robot that Mussolini claimed to be Lie Ren shifted back for a moment, taking its weight off Adam's chest. "The hell…? Wait… that's impossible."

Benito Mussolini stretched his arms out wide, his pupils narrowing upon the rogue droid. _"BEHOLD, MR. LIE REN, FOR IT IS I, HAN SOLO, THE FATHER WHO HAS GIVEN BIRTH TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE BUT A WEE CHILD!"_

The robot began trudging its way toward the man who claimed to be Han Solo. "I don't have time to deal with your bullcrap. I'm going to make sure that…"

 _ **-BOOM!-**_

Just as the robot was about to aim one of its arm blasters at the Italian dictator, Mussolini shot the possessed robot in the face, shattering its CPU in one hit. The now empty shell of a robot collapsed onto the floor.

As Adam Taurus struggled to get back up, Benito Mussolini pocketed his revolver and then gestured him to come forth. "Come, my young Padawan, for there is still much work to be done."

* * *

Weiss, Ruby, Frollo, and Link roamed through the wreckage-filled halls of the Al Qaeda base. Snoopy had also decided to accompany them, though Twilight Sparkle and The King were nowhere to be found.

The room the two were originally staying in had a large, burnt out circle of ash containing a large diamond in the center, along with several charred books. The group had also found the trinket King Harkinian had collected at the abandoned temple, which Link decided to hold onto for safe keeping. Ruby also tried hacking into the base's security systems, but could only find Adam and Benito Mussolini, who were headed for the control room, along with a number of White Fang personnel.

Arslan and his escort had chosen to stay behind and guard the med bay, where Neo was still residing. The main exit to the facility had been closed off, and all four hangars were under lockdown. Considering there was nowhere else to go, they would have to access the control room in order to have a chance of escaping this place.

And that meant they would have to go through Gandhi.

Ruby and Weiss weren't sure just how strong Gandhi was, but considering he was the last of the ancient Indian chiefs, he would definitely be a formidable foe.

As the five of them made their way to the control room, the whole facility started to rumble and shake, causing Weiss and Ruby to tumble onto the floor.

"What's going on?" asked Weiss.

Far above ground, the five of them could hear the distant wailing of what seemed like tornado sirens, along with the sound of hundreds of rockets blasting off into the sky.

Snoopy, currently wearing sunglasses, pulled out a cardboard sign which read, "It has begun…"

After Frollo helped Weiss and her partner back on their feet, three White Fang goons came running from around the corner.

"You there, do you know if there's any way out of here?"

"Nope, everything seems closed up," said Ruby.

"Well shit. Anyway, we've gotta…"

"Wait!" interrupted the Heiress. "What's going on?"

"Gandhi's started murdering all the guys in the control room! He even got that strange King guy who came along with him and now he wants to nuke the entire planet!"

"No, not the King!" cried Link.

"I mean, I know he's a senile old man, but I didn't expect him to go completely batshit insane."

"What was with the sirens going off earlier?" Ruby asked.

"Security breach. I think Mussolini's already taking care of it, though I don't know what the others are doing in this mess. Sorry, but we've gotta go."

And with that, the three White Fang members ran past the five of them.

"Uh, catch you later guys!" Ruby said as she awkwardly waved to them.

After about five more minutes of traveling through the compound, Weiss and her comrades came face-to-face with Adam Taurus and Benito Mussolini, who stood next to a heavy, reinforced, multi-stage gateway into the main control room, with an open vent hanging up top.

"Come my little friends," said Benito Mussolini, "there is much we need to discuss."

* * *

As President Frank Underwood opened a fresh bag of Doritos in celebration of his victory, the screen for the override program suddenly turned bright red as an all too familiar face appeared on it.

"You…"

"Hello Mr. President! I couldn't help but overhear your little negotiations with Weiss and her compatriots."

Although he tried maintaining his traditional composure, Frank couldn't help but be unnerved at his adversary's statement. "That was supposed to be a private channel! How in God's name did you gain access to it?"

"As a representative of Nora Valkyrie's Evil Enterprise of Doom, we take our global mission very seriously, and we trust all members to work for our organization's best interests. Your actions are an immense breach of this trust. I am terribly sorry to say this, but you will no longer be covered by our protection plan. We wish you luck on your future business endeavors, Mr. Underwood."

And with that, the face on the screen disappeared.

Frank Underwood threw his controller on the table.

"Damn ungrateful punks! They're feeding us to the dogs! When I get my hands…"

The instant the President's phone rang, Doug Stamper held the device out in front, "Mr. President, you have a phone call."

"Great, just what I need." Frank then picked up the phone and put it on speaker mode. "What is it…"

"Ah, hello there, Mr President! Having fun with your precious little video games?"

Frank Underwood recognized the voice immediately. "Gandhi…"

"Yes, yes! You are a very wise man, Mr. President! It's a shame you couldn't be a good little boy and play by the rules, though I would have won anyway. My eyes are everywhere, Mr. Underwood, and if you thought you could get away with that, you are very, very wrong. You cannot stop what is inevitable."

"What would a monster like you care about justice and fair politics? You're just a man who wants to watch the world to burn!"

"Ohohoho! What fierce, fighting words! But alas, your words are glue to my rubber! What is foretold by ancient prophesy cannot be denied by simple mortal reason. There is a purpose for everything, for there is nothing to prevent the Great Shrekoning that is to come! Humpty Dumpty shall fall from his great wall, and your words cannot hurt me when they are but sticks and stones!

"After all," Gandhi's voice turned to a whisper, "my words are backed with nuclear weapons...

"Take care, Mr President. Enjoy the rest of this fine wonderful evening, while it lasts..."

After that, Gandhi hung up, and everyone in the room looked on speechless.

"I'll ready the transport," said the President's chief of staff.

* * *

 **A/N: Hi everyone! I pumped this chapter out relatively quickly, so sorry if it might seem a bit rushed. I was originally going to incorporate the stuff for the next chapter into this chapter, but then I realized this would be a good, natural stopping point. Considering the fight against Gandhi is coming up, I figure it should warrant its own chapter, seeing as it'll probably be as complex as the Beato fights and battles like them. Anyway, I hope you enjoy what I've written up! If you're confused about anything or whatnot, be sure to ask me in the comments section.**


	23. The Last of the Ancient Indian Chiefs

As Judge Frollo drove his fire-imbued blade into the nine-inch walls of composite, reinforced steel doors, the areas around the points of contact began to melt. As they penetrated through the final gate to the control room, Weiss, Ruby, Adam, Link, and Mussolini readied their weapons for the final encounter with the great Indian chief, Mohandas Gandhi.

Snoopy, in the meantime, was making his way through the ventilation system so he could establish a good sniping position. While entering through the air ducts would offer them the element of surprise, there was little room for maneuver, and without creating an access point through the main entrance, there was little in terms of an escape plan. Although Weiss and Ruby had no idea what Gandhi was capable of, Gandhi could easily trap them in the ventilation system should things go awry. Thus, only one person was sent down that path.

Although solely based on his own account, Mussolini had been planning to take down the Ancient Indian chief for years. As he descended further into his obsession with his so-called "Great Shrekoning," Gandhi had turned away from his initial ideals of pacifism, until one day he had violated the ancient Oath of the ancient Indian chiefs as he siphoned off arms and plutonium from the Iranian government. In spite of his own talents, Mussolini could do nothing to stop Gandhi in his lust for power, as Gandhi far outclassed him in the martial arts of Tai Chi. For many years now, Mussolini had been gathering talented individuals such as Adam Taurus and Snoopy so he could one day take Gandhi head on.

It was for that reason that Mussolini, the man formerly known as Han Solo, had taken Prince Arslan into his care, and spread the rumors of Daenerys Targaryen and her baby dragons in order to enlist Weiss Schnee and her comrades.

It was not an ideal setup - Neopolitan Gasai was currently out of commission, Gwonam was nowhere to be seen, and Yang Xiao Long had perished some time ago - but it was enough to challenge the mad Indian chief and his martial prowess, especially with a Heroic Spirit in their ranks.

Mussolini initially had doubts on whether Weiss and her crew would be willing to oppose their supposed benefactor, but after what had happened in the game room, they were more than willing to come to the Italian dictator's aid.

The final barrier was then unlocked.

Adam Taurus stepped forward, "Allow me to take the lead."

Before he could move an inch, Frollo stretched out his arm and cut off his path, "You are far to injured to act as our scout. Allow me."

One by one, the six of them stepped through the large opening and entered into the control room. It looked much like your common starship control bridge, with the windows looking out into the stars replaced by oversized screens for monitoring the facility. The floor had been littered with rotting corpses, and much of the room's machinery had been wrecked from the ensuing carnage.

The station directly in front of them stretched itself out of the metal floor, with metal snapping at the points of highest tension and wires breaking loose from their grounded circuitry.

"Get out of the way!" shouted Ruby.

As the large, fifty-foot long station came flying towards the room's main entrance, everyone scrambled out of the way before the station crashed against the gate.

Leaping back up from her roll, Weiss swung Myrtenaster about, "Alright, where the hell is he?"

"Show yourself, old man!" said Adam Taurus.

"Why don't you children have a look behind you?"

Weiss and her crew suddenly stopped searching the room as they all turned toward the ancient Indian chief, perched atop the admiral's command bridge built on top of the corridor to the room. He was holding King Harkinian's severed head in his left arm, which he threw down onto the floor in front of them.

" _NOOOOO!"_ shouted Link. "You asshole! You killed The King! Now what are we supposed to do for dinner?"

Benito Mussolini pointed his finger in accusation. "Señor Gandhi, why have you wandered away from the path of peace and righteousness that you once upheld? Already your soul has given in to the Dark Side of The Force. Turn back before it is too late, my friend!"

The man known as Gandhi simply sneered at Mussolini's remarks, "Please, do not confuse me for that pacifistic lout! Everyone knows that non-violence is naught but idiotic foolishness! You see, I am actually the great Jedi Master Obi Wan Kenobi; Gandhi just happens to be my identical twin brother."

"Holy shit!" said Ruby. "You're actually the great Jedi Master Obi Wan Kenobi?"

"Yes, yes my child. I've simply aged over the years."

"You'll never get away with this," shouted Link, "whatever it is that you're planning!"

"Oh, but you're already too late. Al Qaeda's entire nuclear arsenal is already on its way to the American shoreline, along with some of the reserves I've saved up in my home country. Thanks to a bit of assistance from inside Miss Valkyrie's enterprise, I've managed to shut down the entire American defense grid, and that includes their missile interception system."

"You evil monster!"

Ruby then swept out her Big Dick and aimed it at Gandhi's evil twin brother, but with a flick of the wrist, the Indian chief sent Ruby flying back into one of the desks behind her, with her scythe wrapped tightly around her neck.

"Now, now, now child! You know it's rude to interrupt people when they are talking. As I was saying, you will find it impossible to stop my plans now that have gone into motion. Even in the unlikely scenario that you find your way out of here or, heaven forbid, defeat me in mortal combat, you simply won't have enough time to intercept my missiles and stop them. I've calculated the times myself, and besides, you're already wasting precious time listening to me ramble on about my plans."

Evil Gandhi simply leaned forward a few inches as one of Snoopy's bullets wheezed by overhead, punching into the steel surface a few feet behind him.

Mussolini made a sweeping motion with his arm, "It matters not whether we can stop you now, only that you receive justice for your crimes against humanity!"

"Yeah Mussolini, you tell him who's boss!" cheered Link.

As the group awaited Evil Gandhi's response, Weiss's eyes darted around the room, looking for ways she could use the area to her advantage.

The great Jedi Master clasped his hands together and smiled, "Good, good! I've been itching for a fight after my long hours of fruitless meditation! Not that you kids really have a choice - I've cut off your main route of escape - but I do admire your enthusiasm. Maybe you would have actually stood a chance if you had Yang or Gwonam here, but alas, they don't seem to be present. Now then…"

As everyone stepped back in preparation for Gandhi's opening move, the elderly man pulled out two, short, metallic, baton-like objects from his loincloth in a cross-like motion. Five more of these objects levitated out of Gandhi's crotch-piece at the same time, each one pointed at a different member of Weiss's crew.

Suddenly a stick of harsh, glowing light shot out of all seven of them, each one a different color.

" _PREPARE TO GET #SHREKT!"_

Evil Gandhi suddenly leapt from the command station and darted towards Adam Taurus, only to be intercepted by Claude Frollo, boosted by one of Weiss's haste glyphs. While Gandhi struck down with his two lightsabers, the Judge blocked the attack with his Valyrian steel sword. Simultaneously, the other five floating lightsabers darted over to each of their respective targets.

"So this is the strength of a Heroic Spirit," Evil Gandhi remarked as Frollo held his lightsabers in place, "Impressive, but not nearly impressive enough!"

A floating purple lightsaber struck into Frollo's side as the Judge attempted to roll out of the way.

Shortly after she had created her spell, Weiss had jumped back to block an incoming slash from a blue lightsaber, which cut through her rapier like butter.

" _SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"_

Weiss swiftly brought out her Calico and fired wildly at the floating saber, which swept out the way in a series of aggressive swipes and spins.

An orange lightsaber, which had been aimed at one of the ducts near front ceiling, prompted Snoopy to kick open the grating he was hiding behind and jump onto the floor below. During his desperate leap, Snoopy managed dislodge one of the red lightsabers out of Gandhi's hands via a quickscope, allowing Frollo enough time to fall back.

Mussolini had attempted to pull out his revolver against Gandhi's evil twin, but the yellow lightsaber which had been headed towards him forced him to do a barrel roll just so the beam wouldn't cut him in half.

Link, on the other hand, grappled up to a sprinkler on the ceiling as a green lightsaber swept toward him.

The thin metal mesh instantly buckled under the green warrior's weight, setting off the sprinkler system itself.

Ruby, in the meantime, used this opportunity to free herself from her own scythe, using her stand to aid her already immense huntress strength. "It's on!"

As Gandhi's evil twin pressed his attack on Frollo, Adam sprinted around and brought out one of his EMP grenades. _"NOW!"_

 _ **-BAM!-**_

The room was suddenly filled with bright light as everyone turned to strike down the ancient Indian chief.

" _ERAAAAGHHHH!"_

 _ **-POW!-POW!-**_

When the light subsided, Evil Gandhi was still left standing, though the three lightsabers closest to him were now offline. Link was now twitching on the ground a few feet from Gandhi, while Frollo had severe burn marks on his face. Furthermore, the lightsaber near Weiss had now dropped onto the ground, thus deactivating itself.

While the Gandhi's lookalike had suffered two bullet wounds in his left arm, there was now dark, purplish lightning crackling from his fingertips.

Gandhi's evil twin merely cracked a smile. "You children do not understand what it means to be a true Jedi Master…"

Ruby Rose turned to her comrades and said, "Guys, I have…"

" _DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE DARK SIDE!"_

With a sweep of his arm, Evil Gandhi used the power of The Force to fling one of the large computer rigs into Ruby.

"Ruby!" Weiss shouted, too slow to react to the swiftness of Gandhi's attack.

The several ton computer rig nearly crushed the scythe wielder into the wall, but luckily the size of her Big Dick cushioned her against the brunt of the blow.

Although his eyes were nearly scorched from Evil Gandhi's lightning attack, Frollo held his blade close and then ran up to the ancient Indian chief. "You will be judged for your crimes!"

But as Frollo lifted up his blade to swing it down upon Gandhi's hand, the elderly man suddenly punched Frollo in the gut, knocked the sword out of his arms with a hard, sweeping block, and then shot Frollo away with a charged lighting attack.

"Holy shit…" remarked Adam Taurus. In spite of being deprived of his primary weapons, Master Obi Wan still seemed to be a formidable foe, knowledgeable in the ancient arts of Kung Fu.

As Adam stood dumbfounded at the Jedi Master's skills, Evil Gandhi suddenly leaned out of the way, until the White Fang leader could see the bright glint of Snoopy's rifle aimed straight between his shoulders.

 _ **-POW!-POW!-DING!-**_

" _EAUGHH!"_ Adam let out, keeling over while choking on the blood flowing through his esophagus. Soon, the hard heel of Evil Gandhi's sandals struck right into his gut, leaving him helpless and dying.

"Did you think my education at Stanford University was for nothing? Indeed, I am a genius of the highest caliber - how else do you think I hacked myself into the _Civilization_ games. But it doesn't take a genius to see the prudence of paying attention to one's surroundings. Yet, someone so mentally deficient as yourself cannot seem to grasp the meaning of this snippet of divine wisdom."

With a throw of his limp wrist, Gandhi's evil twin sent his orange lightsaber into Snoopy's elbow and ribcage, before bursting his chest open with a simple sweep. Snoopy fell over on the ground, whimpering.

"Weiss, help me! I can't feel my arms or legs!" Ruby shouted.

The heiress briefly turned as she leaned over to pick the blue lightsaber off the ground.

At the same time, Mussolini's pistol shot up from behind one of the lower stations. "Your reign of tyranny ends now!"

 _ **-POW!-POW!-POW!-**_

The evil Jedi Master simply leaned out of the way of each of Mussolini's shots as they clinked off the wreckage behind him.

"End? Don't make me laugh! You have no idea what you're up against!"

With a shove of his right fist, Evil Gandhi sent the station Mussolini was taking cover behind smashing into the one behind it, though the Italian dictator was able to leap up just in time.

Almost simultaneously, Gandhi had sent one of his defunct lightsabers into one of the sprinklers overhead, causing it to go off.

 _ **-ZZZZZZZ!-**_

With one, well executed force lighting attack, Gandhi's evil twin sent Mussolini into a shocking frenzy.

"As I was saying…"

"Hi guys, I finally…"

As soon as Twilight Sparkle materialized behind Gandhi's lookalike, the evil Jedi Master sent his yellow lightsaber flying straight through the pony's neck, thus decapitating her.

At the same time this was happening, Weiss had managed to dislodge the computer rig off her partner, only to find almost the entirety of Ruby's left half crushed under the blow.

"But… How did…"

"Really, Miss Schnee? You don't bat an eye at the death of the millions of comrades who served alongside you and yet start bawling as soon as one of your friends suffers a minor scratch? Please! You couldn't be…"

 _"SHUT UP!"_ Weiss whipped around towards the mad Indian chief, activating her newly acquired lightsaber. "I don't give a fuck about what you think! Everything that comes out of your mouth is total bullshit!"

Gandhi's evil twin began gathering his lightsabers around him, but could not draw the blue one from Weiss's hands. "You cannot dismiss the words of a wise sage such as myself so easily. Perhaps you should show a bit more compassion…"

 _"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MURDERED THEM ALL!_ Maybe not all of them, but don't tell me when I should be crying. So many people were willing to help me, even though I've lost everything. But no matter what we do, everyone keeps dying, all because of Nora and her petty antics. Do you think I have enough tears to spare for everyone? Do you think I can afford to care about anyone for more than a few days before they eventually die because of this stupid war? Maybe I was wrong in the beginning. Maybe I was wrong for stealing Nora's pancakes. But now? This war is no longer about that crap. This is about PAYBACK! Nora, Ironwood, bird-face, that smug bitch that keeps following us, Jeff, and now you. _YOU'RE ALL GOING TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE TO MY FRIENDS!"_

As Weiss rushed upon the ancient Indian chief, the man simply launched her back by striking her with the three defunct lightsabers.

"Ah, the sweet scent of vengeance!" reminisced Evil Gandhi. "It seems you and I have much more in common than we originally thought. We both aspire to bring an end to things, though our methods might differ quite a bit, and our proclivity to violence remains unmatched by all save Nora herself."

Weiss Schnee let out a slight smirk. "You know what, I don't really care. Now, let's get this over with."

"Indeed," said Gandhi's evil twin.

"Uh… guys," Ruby cried out, "what about me?"

"We can talk later," the heiress replied.

"But how come I'm not dead yet?"

"JUST LEAVE THE REST TO ME, ALRIGHT? Stupid duncehead…"

With the conclusion of that statement, Weiss once again rushed at Evil Gandhi, but stopped herself before the man could unleash his lightning attack. After the heiress leapt up, drawing out the blade-less hilt of Myrtenaster, the Indian chief sent the green lightsaber barreling straight after her while transferring the orange weapon into his right hand.

 _ **-BSSSHHHHHH!-**_

After Weiss had deflected the incoming lightsaber with her own, she conjured up a haste glyph underneath her, and then rushed the Indian chief, as an icicle formed on Myrtenaster. Although the blade was now rendered useless as a conventional sword, Weiss could still make use of its inlaid Dust cartridges.

Evil Gandhi merely stepped out of the way, but not before attempting to blast Weiss with lightning.

As Weiss deflected the attack with a glyph barrier, several clinks echoed throughout the room as the defunct lightsaber hilts burst open the sprinkler systems.

"Good, but not good enough!" remarked Gandhi.

Almost instantly, the hobo heiress conjured up a series of glyphs to climb up to the ceiling before Evil Gandhi could use the current situation to his advantage, and then froze the systems over with her innate abilities.

 _ **-ZOOM!-ZOOM!-**_

Just before the yellow and green lightsabers could rip her limbs off, Weiss leapt off her most recently created glyph while attempting to shower Gandhi's evil twin with ice shards, which were immediately disintegrated by his glowing orange plasma sword.

As the heiress attempted to assault Gandhi with her two blades, he swiftly stepped in and elbowed her straight in the gut, smashed the backside of his fist right into her nose, and then delivered a hard roundhouse kick straight into her side, sending her crashing into the wall.

"You know nothing, Weiss Schnee. A pitiable hobo such as you has no chance against a Jedi Master such as I. Why do you even try?"

"Ughhh…" Weiss moaned as she struggled to free herself from the bent-in wall panels, wiping off some of the blood leaking from her nose and mouth.

Evil Gandhi simply grinned as the disheveled heiress stumbled towards him, "So you still have some fight left in you? Yes, I see that there is much determination inside you."

"Shut… up…"

Still shaking from her recent injuries, Weiss swapped out Myrtenaster for her prize Calico, and then aimed it at Gandhi.

"My, my, you really don't know when to give up."

Weiss pulled on the trigger, only to see all her bullets disintegrated by the Jedi's green lightsaber, which now hovered just a few feet in front of her.

"Your time is up, Weiss Schnee. All your friends are already dead."

"I'm not dead yet!" shouted Ruby from the other side of the room. "Somehow…"

"But seriously, Miss Schnee, you are completely out of your league. Maybe if you had asked nicely, I would have been more willing to let you and your friends go, but alas, such are the circumstances that we find ourselves in."

As his two active lightsabers checked Weiss's movements, Gandhi edged forward to the heiress's position. Out of the corner of her eye, Weiss caught a glimmer of movement from atop one of the computer stations.

"Anyway, it was nice…"

 _ **-POW!-**_

" _GAAAAH! GOD FUCKING…!"_

The moment Weiss saw her opportunity, she sped underneath the floating lightsabers and rushed toward the mad Indian chief, slashing the metal rods as passed them.

Mussolini's arm began to collapse back onto the ground once more, "This is the last will of the Zeppeli line. My death will not be in vain…"

Gandhi's evil twin began falling over onto the ground as his limbs became completely limp from the bullet lodged in his spine.

" _Nononononono…"_

But before the Jedi Master could land face flat onto the hard metal floor, Weiss had fully closed the distance, slicing his arms off right at the elbows before delivering a final blow into his frail chest.

Blood spewed out from the elderly man's mouth, yet all he could do was smile. "So it is true then… You really are the chosen one, Weiss Schnee…"

"Give it a rest, old man. Now tell us how to get out of here!"

"Hehehehehe… Ah yes, the disk with the security override instructions is lodged firmly in my butt cheeks. Of course, Mr. Ikari might also know how to disable the lockdown sequence, if you can find him.

"But… I would just like to say one more thing before I depart from this world… You see, this was all a test to see if you would be ready for the challenges that are to come… The trials you shall face in the future will prove far more difficult than what you have seen thus far, but you must never give up hope…

"Weiss Schnee, the fate of the world rests in your hands… You return to Vale, and continue the crusade against Nora and her evil minions… Only you can defeat the Fairy Godmother and put an end to her sinister plans… Only then shall the Great Shrekoning come to pass and deliver the happiness and peace Remnant desperately needs… But it must be by your will, Weiss Schnee… Only through your efforts and determination shall the Great Shrekoning come into existence… Go now, before it is too late…"

Gandhi's lookalike, the Jedi Master Obi Wan Kenobi, then collapsed into Weiss's lightsaber as the heiress simply looked on in dazed confusion. Weiss then deactivated her newly acquired weapon, allowing the old geezer to plop onto the ground.

Soft clapping, accompanied by a bizarre yet seductive leitmotif, then echoed throughout the room. As Weiss absently turned to the source of the noise, Gendo Ikari appeared from behind a secret door on the upper level of the control room.

"That was quite impressive, Miss Schnee. Come, chosen one, and let us make our way to the main hangars. The American task forces should be here within the hour. I shall have our remaining medical team have a look at the wounded while we make our way for Vale. Come along then, there isn't much time to spare."

* * *

 **A/N: Okay, finally this arc is finished! Now we're finally going to be getting to the assault on Vale along with everything that goes with it! Anyway, I hope y'all are still enjoying this and I hope this battle wasn't too confusing with all the double-names and stuff. I have quite a bit of stuff planned for the next story arc, assuming the characters don't go off the rails too much, and I hope y'all will look forward to it as well. Cheers everyone!**


	24. An Old Crow

Weiss Schnee was seated opposite of her companion, looking out of the med-bay into the mech hangar. No longer submerged in its life-supporting fluids, the black humanoid mecha looked downright sinister in its design. Gendo Ikari claimed the machine was sentient; how else could anyone explain how it had attacked Neo through the reinforced glass without a pilot to control it.

Weiss turned her gaze toward the rest of the medical room. Ruby, Link, Neo, and Adam were all suspended in cocoon-like capsules while nanomachines worked at repairing any tissue damage they had sustained during the fight. Unfortunately, Snoopy, Twilight, Mussolini, Obama, and King Harkinian were out for good, and it was unlikely that Adam or Link would wake up anytime soon. There were ways to bring them back to life, but that would require using some seriously black magic, and there was also the possibility they would come out wrong in the process.

That left only Ruby, Weiss's partner and friend. Only her heart showed any sign of a pulse, but even she would be out of commission for a while. Even with today's advanced medical technology, Ruby's limbs were well beyond repair. Gendo and his crew were working on developing replacement limbs, but it would be a while before they could even begin testing them on Ruby.

"So many people have died…"

She had seen the news of the devastation wrought all over the American heartland, and the subsequent condemnation of Vale and Iran by President Underwood for their terrorist conspiracy. Other nations were quick to condemn the two parties as well, including the Turkish Sultanate, Britannia, and The Fire Nation. The whole world would be engulfed in war and nuclear fire, and Weiss could not help but feel that she had played a part in all this madness and destruction.

 _What have we gotten ourselves into?_

The oxygenated fluids began to drain from Ruby's capsule as her heartbeat began to show heightened activity on the left-side monitor. The outer hatch began to slide up as Ruby leaned forward and began to awaken, a stream of whitish smoke beginning to billow out as the air from outside began to enter the capsule. Weiss couldn't understand why the medical crew had decided to put everyone in a bunch of garish jumpsuits instead of just leaving them exposed in the life support capsule like they did in they did in the movies, but they probably had their reasons.

"Hot damn, I'm starving." The red huntress reached over the side of the capsule and pressed an orange button, which signaled the crew on board to bring her some breakfast. "What time is it anyway?"

"It's two o'clock in the afternoon." The only reason the ship was traveling this slowly was due to how much military hardware it was carrying. Plus, because of the way the ship's propulsion systems worked, it was more efficient to travel at slower speeds, which allowed them to take extra precaution so they could slip into Vale's borders undetected.

"Did anything happen while I was asleep?"

"The usual madness. Nothing new." Weiss crossed her arms, trying to avoid blushing from just how tightly Ruby's jumpsuit fit around her body.

"Say, Weiss?"

"What is it?"

"I… I think I saw Blake."

"Blake's dead, remember?"

"I know that, Weiss, but… it just felt so real…"

"Probably just one of those vivid dreams or something."

"It's kinda hard to explain," said Ruby. "It sorta felt like you're awake but you know you are sleeping at the same time. I mean, it was definitely Blake, but she looked like one of those holograms in the _Star Wars_ movies."

"Ugh…" To Weiss, Ruby's encounter with Blake was probably nothing more than the delusions of an idiot, but considering how little the world of Remnant followed the laws of rationality and common sense, it was probably better to see what her partner had to say. She could always dismiss Ruby's vision if it ultimately proved irrelevant. "Alright, did she say anything?"

"Yeah, actually. You remember that guy, Roman Torchwick?"

"Wasn't he the guy that caused the breach a while back, before Cinder and her folks started causing mayhem?"

"That's him! Blake thinks he can help us in our fight against Nora, though I don't know why she would be suggesting that. She also wants Neo dead for some reason, which is apparently why she attacked her back in the base."

Weiss leaned back in her seat a bit, "So is Blake something like a poltergeist then?"

"Not exactly. Ghosts can't actually do anything without a physical body, which needs to come into contact with the dead person's original body somehow. That's why all those robots went psycho at Chuck E. Cheese's a few years ago, because they were all stuffed with dead children."

By this point, one of the on-board flight attendants came by with a plate of green eggs and ham, along with a glass of milk and oatmeal raisin cookies.

Ruby began digging into her breakfast immediately. "Anyway, the government got Blake's body from the Vale Police Department, and then they had their top scientists like Gendo Ikari used her vital tissue to help make that giant robot in the hangar."

Ruby gulped down her drink. "So basically, that robot is Blake."

Weiss was still having difficulty trying to wrap her head around what her partner was saying. In spite of the fact she was a lovable squish-bug, Ruby was still a complete and utter moron. "That's a whole load of baloney!"

"But it's true!"

"Then why doesn't she just appear on the intercom system and talk to us so she can get this mess out of the way?"

"Ahem!" Weiss and Ruby turned as a familiar voice boomed from the intercom. "You were saying?"

"God Fucking Dammit!" seethed Weiss.

"Blake!" shouted Ruby, "So you really are with us!"

"I'm still technically dead, you morons."

"Why the fuck didn't you tell us earlier, you dolt?"

"I figured this would be a good way to explain things to you guys. Besides, I couldn't access the systems back at the base. Seriously, that shit is rigged. This place isn't much better, as I've only just figured out how to manage the intercom system."

There was a brief silence in the air. Weiss briefly glanced out of the med bay's window, only to see the black mecha's head turned toward their general direction.

 _Dear Dust, that is creepy._

"So, do either of you mind if I cut off Neo's life support systems?"

"Why would you do that?" Ruby replied. "She's part of the team now!"

"Yeah," said Weiss, "even if she doesn't talk that much, she's been kinda helpful so far."

"THAT PINK HAIRED, SNOT-NOSED BITCH?" Blake's voice boomed from the intercom. "SHE FUCKING MURDERED ME IN COLD BLOOD!"

Weiss and Ruby briefly turned to face the capsule holding their acrobatic comrade.

"I don't really seeing Neo doing something like that," said Ruby, "even if she's the cynical type."

"Yeah," Weiss added. "Besides, for all intents and purposes, you're effectively alive right now, right?"

"I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING INSIDE THIS STUPID BODY! Do you guys have any idea how uncomfortable this feels? Look, I don't know how that bitch is sucking up to you, but she's up to something. I just know it. Shit, she's waking up. God fucking dammit! Look, just pretend you didn't hear anything, got it?"

The intercom system then shut off. Over in the back end of the med bay, Neo's pod began to open up. The pink and brown haired woman stretched out, and then turned her head to examine the room. Even though she had sustained significant injuries from the encounter with "Blake," she seemed to have healed quite quickly.

The woman then began smashing her fist into one of the buttons on the side of her capsule like a petulant child.

"What's her deal?" Weiss tried whispering to Ruby. Almost immediately, Neo crossed her arms and glared at Weiss.

"You know she can hear you right?" Ruby replied. "She's just asking for her trenchcoat."

Neo gave an affirmative nod.

"Neo wants to know what happened while she was asleep. Do you want to tell her?"

"Well duh! You'd just fill your stories with your insane conspiracy theories like all that crap about the Illuminati and ancient Indian chiefs. My accounts are based on pure, objective fact!"

Weiss walked over to Neo's pod and then began to relay her account of what happened after they had left the _Call of Duty_ match. Ruby occasionally interjected to insert some garbage about Ren being a killer robot and Gendo Ikari trying to have a three-way with Jeff the Killer and Han Solo, but it was obviously a bunch of baloney.

In the midst of their explanation, Prince Arslan entered into the room, followed by a hulking, orange-haired Spartan warrior with a killing smile. Weiss could also see a large white Pegasus galloping through the adjacent corridor.

"Hey guys, I…"

" _HOLY CRAP!"_ shouted Ruby. _"THE REAL GENUINE HERCULES IS HERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!"_

The great warrior of legend awkwardly leaned back a little, scratching the back of his head. "Well, I guess I must be pretty famous around these parts."

"How in the world did you summon him, Arslan?" Ruby asked. The heiress then noticed the three command scrolls now embedded onto the prince's hand, shaped into a lightning bolt with two halves of a ring around it.

"I dunno," the prince replied, "I just wanted to make myself useful somehow, seeing how great you all were at fighting. I didn't know if Link was going to wake up anytime soon, so I just thought I'd try practicing with his stuff." On a further examination, the boy appeared to be carrying Link's shield on his back, though his Master Sword was nowhere to be seen. "I found this medal-like thing on him, and I just thought it looked important. So… uh…"

The young boy started to stutter in his explanation, but what he had accomplished was quite clear.

He had managed to summon a Heroic Spirit.

It would be a while before the ship landed in Vale, but at the very least, these new developments gave her some degree of hope that they might have a chance against Nora and her army, even though they had lost so many already.

Perhaps it was also possible to bring Yang, Pyrrha, and Jaune back to life, along with everyone else who was lost, but only time would tell whether that was feasible. Now, they had to strike right at the heart of Nora's empire, before their chance faded away.

* * *

Roman, Cardin, and Salt strode into the nondescript saloon alongside the road. The whole place remained empty and unlit, except for a single set of bulbs hanging over the bar.

They were a long ways off from finding Avalon, but one small pit stop wouldn't hurt. Besides, Swain's information was pretty spot on.

The three of them seated themselves right beside the bar's only customer, who was drinking away at his sixth bottle of vodka.

"Well hello there, old Qrow, what a pleasant surprise to see you here!"

"Get lost, kid!"

"Whoa, easy there, big fellow! I just wanted to have a little chat. Look, you used to be friends with old man Swain, right?"

"You one of those so-called 'moon tourism' investors?"

Roman paused for a moment, unsure what to make of Qrow's statement until he remembered his encounter with the Eds. "You mean like those kids trying to scam people with that bogus space program?"

"Guess you're not one of them." The old man spun around in his seat. "Wait, aren't you that guy who stole from all those Dust shops a while back?"

"Uh… maybe?" As much as he enjoyed his previous occupation, mentioning that he was a common criminal in front of a hunter like Qrow probably wasn't the smartest idea.

"Look," interrupted Salt Peters, "we're just lowly thugs working for General Swain. The Big Boss wants us to find this _Sheath of Avalon_ or whatever it's called and he suggested that you might be able to help us find it." Salt then got down on his knees and began to plead to the scythe-master. "I know that you're a famous hunter and all, but we just really, really need your help."

Qrow took a moment to sip from one of his mugs before responding. "So you're looking to summon a Heroic Spirit, eh?"

"Yeah," Roman responded. "Things aren't exactly happy sunshine land in Vale."

"So he's thinking five steps ahead of the competition? I see." Qrow set his glass down on the counter. "Let me ask you something. What are your thoughts on Shrek?"

"Oh god no." Roman held his right hand over his eyebrows, as if holding back a migraine. "Why the hell is everyone so obsessed with this Shrek guy? Mercury's in on it, Cinder was into him before she started up that whole 'Lord of Light' cult, and even my ex-girlfriend couldn't stop talking about him! Ugh…"

"Yeah," said Cardin, "I know the feeling."

"Who the fuck is Shrek anyway?" said Salt, obviously clueless to the whole situation.

"Alright boys, listen very closely." Qrow motioned for everyone to huddle in close. "I don't know what other people have told you, but Shrek is nothing but bad news. You know the Cataclysm from six years ago?"

Roman and his crew looked at each other, but no one responded.

"I'm not surprised. The whole thing turned Remnant into a clean slate, and by clean I mean filled to the brim with all the diseased and rotten scum you can find in the depths of an old hooker's toilet. Seems like I'm the only one who remembers anything from back then.

"This guy Shrek? He's the reason we're all in this shithole.

"I saw Shrek a few years before the Cataclysm went down. Not many people who meet Shrek live to tell the tale, and those that do usually turn into one of those brainwashed fanatics."

Roman could definitely agree with that to an extent, especially after watching Mercury turn into a gibbering wreck after he had watched a few _Shrek_ DVDs. It was a good thing he had stopped working for Cinder before she could coerce him into this craziness.

Qrow continued, "I used to think he was one of Cinder's failed Dust experiments, but he seems to be something else entirely. Don't buy into anything those punk fanatics say about him. Shrek is dreck, kids."

Roman couldn't help but be awed at just how deep Qrow's hatred for Shrek was, though considering how annoying his supporters could be, Qrow's sentiments weren't entirely unjustified. "Eh, I'm not really a big fan of Shrek either."

"I'm glad we agree on this." Qrow turned to the others. "What about you two?"

Salt merely shrugged while Cardin nodded his head.

"Good, let's make it a deal then."

As Qrow drunkenly reached out his hand, Roman received it and gave a firm handshake. _Well, that was surprisingly easy._ "So, anyway, about that..."

"Hello boys…"

As Roman turned to face this new arrival, he saw a woman with long, red hair striding through the saloon entrance, her eyes solely fixed on the dashing criminal mastermind. Roman recognized her as Pyrrha Nikos from Beacon Academy, but something didn't seem quite right about her. Shortly after, a blond knight strode in behind her, most likely her boyfriend Jaune Arc. The young lad had a dead look in his eyes, and his skin seemed unusually pale and clammy.

Cardin then leaned forward to whisper into his ear, "Boss, I think we should go."

Roman took the hint. "Alright, Mr. Branwen. We appreciate your business with…" _Dammit, what the hell do we call ourselves anyway?_ "Err… Nora's…"

"Oh, are you thinking of going somewhere? Come now, Mr. Torchwick, you wouldn't want to miss a chance to have a nice chat with someone like me, eh?" Pyrrha then let out a rather sinister chuckle as she firmly planted Roman back into a nearby seat. She sat down right besides him and then planted her legs right on top of the dashing criminal's lap. Almost simultaneously, Qrow slammed face flat into the counter top and began snoring like a lawn mower.

Roman couldn't help as his eyes were drawn towards Pyrrha's bare-laden thighs and succulent breasts. _Goddammit! Just what I need!_

Roman's eyes switched back and forth between Cardin and Qrow, desperate for someone to save him from his precarious situation. As much as he didn't mind having a good time once in a while, but Pyrrha wasn't exactly his type, especially not with her rather aggressive advances. There was also the fact that he had blown nearly half of his savings on pole-dancing strippers a few nights ago, which meant he didn't have enough money to take her to fancy dinner parties and acquire enough booze to make him forget the whole affair.

Then, Cardin stepped forth and removed Pyrrha's legs from his lap, "Hey, keep your hands off my big man Torchwick! Only I get to sleep in the same bed as the boss."

 _Wow, way to be subtle buddy_ _…_

Pyrrha's mouth contorted into a venomous grin. "Jaune…"

The moment the Spartan princess gave the command, Jaune's body twitched and then slammed Cardin right onto the floor, his face still bearing that same, blank expression.

"Oh God," said Salt as he started backing away from the bar. "I'm just going to leave you two lovebirds alone to sort out your differences. Don't mind me!"

 _"Kuhuhuhuhu…"_ giggled the woman who resembled Pyrrha Nikos. "Now we won't have any more of those pesky interruptions. Yes… now we can finally spend some alone time together. You'd like that, wouldn't you Batlee…"

Salt's voice suddenly rang throughout the dusky saloon, _"OH GOD, IT'S JEFF THE KILLER!"_

As everyone still conscious looked toward the door, Qrow suddenly sprang to life, whipped out what appeared to be a small gray canister, and then smashed it straight into the ground.

 _ **-KABOOOM!-**_

"Holy…"

A blinding light overcame Roman's vision, upon which he instantly sprang from his seat to escape his creepy pursuant.

 _ **-SHING!-CRACK!-SWISH!-**_

Now unable to see anything in front of him, Roman Torchwick had no idea what was going on in the rest of the parlor. All he could hear were Salt's cries for help, the sounds of blades swooshing through the air, a few wooden thuds, laser fire, and strange, faerie-like chanting.

Roman suddenly felt himself being thrown up into the air, until he felt himself hanging over Qrow's shoulder. The air seemed to brush right over him, until Qrow lifted him off and thew him in what seemed to be an empty car seat. Almost a second later, Roman felt Salt land on top of him, and he could feel his dangling parts pressed up right against his backside.

 _Oh God, why?_

As the smooth criminal's vision began to return to him, he felt the motor car rumble to life underneath him.

Roman's head slammed right into the side door, with Salt gliding right over him as the car got up to full speed.

"Jesus, watch your driving!"

"No time, kid!" Qrow quickly replied back. "In case you haven't noticed, we're in quite a shitstorm right here!"

Roman and Salt tumbled over left and right as the car zipped around to avoid whatever was assailing them. When Roman was finally able to peek out the window, he saw a robed figure floating up in the sky, raining a rapid barrage of purplish lasers aimed straight at them.

 _Is that_ _…_

Roman's body smashed into Salt once more as the car made a sharp turn left into a narrow alleyway.

"Jeez," remarked Junior's former henchman "I was trying to put on my seat-belt!"

After that sharp maneuver, the taxi had finally stabilized enough for Roman to secure himself in his seat, though he immediately noticed something was amiss.

"Winchester's no longer with us, Mr. Torchwick. Bitch got him before I could do anything about it. Lopped his head straight off with that meat puppet of hers."

"Oh…" As much as being a criminal had deprived him of compassion, Roman couldn't help but feel sorry, if not outright guilty, for his friend's death on the job. Even though Mr. Torchwick mostly cared about himself, Cardin Winchester had been a very loyal comrade, if only for a short while.

"Sex Butt wouldn't even do jack shit against her. Ugh… I can't help but feel bad for the kid's death too, but, well, you can't save everyone, kid.

"Anyway, this is one hell of a jam you've got yourself into. Cinder Fall tried to pull the same shit on me a few years back, so I know how you feel."

Somewhere far behind them, Roman could hear the faint laughter of the witch who assailed them. He couldn't quite make out what she was saying, but her incessant cackling was enough to grate on Roman's nerves.

About a minute or so later, after driving through under forest cover, the taxi then drove into a tunnel entrance going into the nearby mountainside.

"Look," Qrow continued, "I'll help you find the things you need to summon true Saber. Won't be easy though."

There was a brief pause as Qrow stopped to reflect, his hands firmly gripped on the steering wheel.

"Just… if we get out of this shit alive, I want you to do a favor for me."

"Like what?" Roman asked.

"Listen, you heard all that stuff I said about Shrek before, right?"

"Sure, but…"

"I've got a mission of my own too, kid. If I help you get this Heroic Spirit of yours, you've gotta help me make sure that Shrek never returns to this world while any of us are still breathing.

"Because the second that he does, _we are all fucked._ _"_

* * *

 **A/N: Hi everyone! This is a little brief interlude/setup before the actual Assault on Vale arc begins. I was originally going to do this setup in one chapter, but I ended up writing more than anticipated. Part of the stuff I had planned for this chapter will be in the next chapter, including another perspective inside Nora's base now that Roman's no longer there to observe stuff. Might end up posting that stuff sometime later in the week or next week as usual.**

 **Also, for those of you who have read it, the events of _A Night at the Holiday Inn_ may or may not be canon to the _Weiss the Hobo_ continuity (or _Hoboverse_ as I like to call it), along with some of my other fics. That's part of the reason I wrote that story last week, seeing as this chapter seemed like a good time to introduce Qrow.**

 **Anyway, hope y'all enjoyed this chapter!**


	25. The Calm before the Storm

Nora Valkyrie watched the holographic screens in front of her with a full sense of exhaustion. All over the city, skirmishes were breaking out between her evil minions, led by James Ironwood, and the American soldiers. A video screen on the left side of the table showed a steady stream of leaders from other nations condemning her for aiding Gandhi's nuclear holocaust. Another projected map displayed the number of nations currently hostile to Vale's humble dominion, all colored in bright red. Numerous other blips showed where her scouts had encountered the presence of enemy troops, all of which seemed to be converging on Vale.

 _Why does being the main bad guy have to be so hard?_

Enemies were propping up everywhere. Even though Nora didn't control anything outside of her own company and Gilgamesh, people still saw her as the de facto Queen of Vale. She was fine with that, cause she was the Queen of the Castle and all, but it led to so many problems, which she would rather just shove onto someone else.

Ironwood, The Monarch, Gauron, and some of her other valued minions had helped to restore order in the city and keep some of the invading armies at bay. Nora had also sent Gilgamesh to help them with their task, but it was only a matter of time before her enemies came in with bigger guns. Plus, she was pretty sure that some of her underlings were planning on betraying her because they all saw her as a stupid airhead.

Her head slammed into the marble table. "My brain hurts!"

Nora felt the soft, metallic touch of her robot boyfriend Ren on her shoulder.

Shortly after, Winter Schnee gently lifted her chin up and turned Nora round to face her. "What exactly is the matter, Miss Valkyrie?"

"Everything! Everyone is trying to kill me and now I can't focus on my mission to torture Weiss because a bunch of stupid politicians are trying to take over my land just because some stupid dummy-head decided to give Gandhi the secret passwords to the Pentagon's defense systems! Why does everything have to be so goddamn complicated? I just want to be the main bad guy of the story and make Weiss pay for stealing my pancakes! It's not like I want to take over the world or anything!"

Nora reached into the drawer underneath the meeting room table to acquire her death note, but then she remembered she had the thing burned because everyone was trying to kill Barney, Beato, General Ironwood, and Bear in the Big Blue House with it. It didn't seem to work anyway, seeing how they were all still alive despite their names being written in it a thousand times.

Nora reached over an pressed down on a button so that the flashing lights and noises coming from the table wouldn't distract her from her queenly duties. When she looked up, the vampire girl saw an all to familiar figure.

"Spiderman!"

Well, he wasn't actually Spiderman because he looked more like a mechanical toy spider than anything else, but Nora decided to call him Spiderman because he was shaped like a spider and he could talk. Nora couldn't remember his actual name - it was something like Chakarovara-something or some other lame-ass name - but Spiderman was a lot easier to remember. Besides, Italian Spiderman and Spoderman were already taken. He was also shiny and made out of gold because Winter had enough muniez to make him out of that stuff, and he also sounded like that one really sneaky guy from _Game of Thrones_ who was also called Spiderman or something like that because he didn't have any balls.

"Is there anything that you would like my assistance for, Pancake Queen?"

"I wonder what Jesus would do in this sort of situation."

"Errm…" The Golden Spider paused for a moment. "I'm afraid I am not all too familiar with the subject of Christianity, other than it being a popular religion within the United States. But, based on my records, I do believe he would find it most prudent to dispatch of one's enemies with the power of Kung Fu."

Winter circled around the mostly empty table to where Nora could see her without turning. "Perhaps if I might make a suggestion…"

"Well, your ideas are usually good." In fact, Nora usually deferred to Winter for advice, especially since she always helped her with her math homework and dealt with all the boring crap like taxes and making company regulations and stuff. "So, what are your thoughts?"

"I think we should look at our potential alliances."

"But everyone wants to kill me!" exclaimed Nora.

"Remember Hermes?"

"Who's that again?"

"The Parsian prince we recently let go. The guy who looks like Adam Taurus. Right now, he should be gathering forces to press his claim on the Pars throne. Provided we maintain good relationships with him, that should secure Iran under our fold. Legitimizing his claim, and thus allowing the population at large to associate Prince Arslan with Gandhi's rash actions, will hopefully draw some of our enemies' attention towards Weiss, which will be good for our overall position.

"We can also channel some of our funds towards the Serbian government, which should guarantee their support.

"We may also be able to secure Skyrim's support by legitimizing King Stannis's claim to the Iron throne, provided we can find him. Alternatively, we could use our own plant."

"Red spy?"

"Precisely."

"But… what if he betrays us?" As logical as Winter's proposals sounded, there was always the possibility that some of their so-called friends would just gut them like cornish game hens in the end.

"Unlikely. He won't gain anything by doing so. Besides, I've already taken a few precautions to ensure he remains cooperative."

The mechanical spider on the table then cut into the conversation, "Uh, Miss Winter, Miss Valkyrie. I don't mean to interrupt, but perhaps there are other issues that we should discuss."

"Such as?"

The Golden Spider twiddled its two foremost appendages. "Perhaps we should not be focusing so much on what threats lie on the mortal plane. As hopeless as our situation may seem, the current arsenal at our disposal is more than sufficient to fend off any threats to your rule, Miss Valkyrie, even without my assistance.

"I would be more worried, however, about the activity that's going on in the underworld. My spider senses have picked up something quite strange. There is something down there, my Sloth Queen, and it is ascending _rapidly_ , much more quickly than what I would have ever thought possible.

"If we do not act, Miss Valkyrie, the dead will no longer _remain_ dead."

"Well what could possibly be so bad down there? It's all just a bunch of lame towers anyway." Indeed, Nora had briefly seen the depths of Naraku as she was recovering from Weiss's attack, and there was practically nothing there.

"Back when I was at the height of my power, there was only one individual who had escaped that endless purgatory, that one man who _dared defy_ my divine authority. I have made the error of permitting one man's ascension; I cannot allow that mistake to ever happen again."

Considering that even Spiderman was afraid of whatever was lying in the depths of hell and purgatory, Nora knew she couldn't just simply ignore his warning, even though he was nothing more than a toy spider made out of gold. "So," asked Nora, "why don't you do something about it?"

"It is impossible to stop someone from ascending the towers of Naraku so long as that person has sufficient determination in their heart; it is only possible to delay them. It would be better if we used our time to prepare for when that eventuality arises. In the meantime, I shall…"

"That will not be necessary," said Winter Schnee. "I will dedicate some of our resources to deal with this threat from the underworld, or Naraku as you call it."

"But Miss Schnee," said the Golden Spider, "we are short on manpower as is!"

Winter made a delicate wave of her hand, "It is as you say, Chakravartin, we have more than sufficient resources to deal with whatever comes at us, so long as we deal with each of our problems one at a time."

"Thanks, Winter!" Nora leapt up from her seat and gave her esteemed treasurer a great big hug. "You're the best big sis ever!"

Nora felt Winter's warm chest press up against her own, along with the soft pat of her hands on her back. Ren seemed to have wandered to the front of the room in order to investigate some stuff on one of the hidden side computers.

After about half a minute, Winter pushed the young vampire queen away. "I appreciate it, Nora. Now, perhaps you would be interested in that new shipment that came in from Disney World the other day."

"Yay! Come on Ren! Lets open up our Christmas presents!"

Ren, Nora, and Winter began to walk out of the meeting room in order to head for the package room on the second floor. Even though Winter was not her actual sister and she could be a bit rough at times, she always seemed to be there for Nora. Hell, if it wasn't for her, Nora would have never been able to start up her corporation of supervillainy dedicated to torturing Weiss and killing all her friends. She always seemed to have good ideas cause she was super-smart, and the fact she had gathered so many people together - Nora couldn't even remember their names half the time - was pretty amazing in and of itself.

All in all, Winter was like a fairy godmother to her.

* * *

The false priest walked back into the grand throne room and approached Lord Disney's high seat. Standing on the metal flooring besides his majesty was Major Stroheim, Pajama Sam, and Wolf O'Donnell.

"Ah, Mr. Kotomine, I trust that everything is going well with the Disney Grail War?"

"Everything is going exactly as you have arranged, Lord Disney. Saber, Lancer, Rider, Berserker, and Caster have already been summoned. All that remains is the question of Archer and one more cavalry-type servant."

"And what are your plans for getting the other two servants into play?"

"I have already made arrangements with the French government for securing an Archer class relic. It is also rumored that Gwonam possesses an artifact capable of summoning an Assassin class servant, even though this does not follow the normal procedures for said class. If we do not see results on that end, our compatriots in the Mickey Mouse Club are looking into securing another relic for us to use."

"Not bad," said Wolf.

The Lord of Disney World clasped his hands together. "Your performance as admirable as always, Mr. Kotomine."

"It is the highest honor to receive your gratitude, Lord Disney," Kirei said, as he knelt before his liege.

"Thank you." Lord Disney then turned to his three associates on the ground below, "Major, Wolf, Pajama Sam, head over to the lab and proceed with Alpha Protocol-8. We want to be prepared for when the Pillar Man awakens."

The three of them bowed out and then proceeded out a gate towards the left side of the room.

"Now Mr. Kotomine," said the man formerly known as Lord Farquaad, "is there any other news that you'd like to share?"

"There is someone who would like to see you."

"Oh," the Lord of Disney World remarked, "and who would that be?"

"A young boy by the name of Stewie Griffin. He might be young for our company's standards, but I can assure you he is quite gifted. He is also a former operative of Nora Valkyrie's Evil Enterprise of Doom, so he may have some information that's worthwhile."

"Bring him in…"

* * *

Fire Lord Ozai watched his fleet creep towards the Valian coastline from the observation deck high atop his flagship. It was one of the finest ships modern science and technology had to offer, even considering the major upsets and discoveries that came about as a result of the GamerGate fiasco.

 _This land, and all its wretched inhabitants, will soon belong to me._

Indeed, there was no other man more deserving than the Phoenix King to rule over Vale and its people; they would be integrated into the Fire Nation or they would all perish in a fiery holocaust. But even so, Vale was only a mere stepping stone for an even greater prize.

 _The Iron Throne._

He had heard about the squabbling amongst the other five Kings, but his advisers had told him to wait until the opportunity was ripe. Even for a man so righteous as himself, Ozai considered it wise to listen to their advice. They had served quite well under Professor Ozpin before his disappearance, and the fact they were former members of the Spanish Inquisition was nothing to take lightly.

Indeed, no one would expect a sixth claimant to the Iron Throne.

Once the lands of the Iron Throne, and Vale by extension, belonged to him, he would be well poised to place the rest of the continent under his hegemony, and with no one else to challenge him, he would be well on his way to becoming God-Emperor of Mankind.

It was a shame his daughter had run off to some third-rate business venture instead of running affairs at home.

Out of the corner of his eye, the Fire Lord saw the head of the Engineering Department, Dr. Ivo Robotnik, approach from behind.

"I say," said the tall, round-bellied, lanky-armed robotics technician, "this is quite beautiful weather we're having this fine afternoon."

Ozai watched as flashes and fireworks erupted out of Vale out in the distance. In spite of the fact that he was the only one worthy for the crown of Vale, there were others foolish enough to claim the crown for themselves, as much as they claimed they wanted to oust Ironwood and Nora for their collaboration with Gandhi. Still, he would have to act quickly before one of those Britannian princes could steal the city from under his nose.

"It do suppose it's quite nice, though personally I'd prefer a bit more smoke and flames. Perhaps we should go out for a picnic once we've cleared the city of any undesirables."

"Ah yes!" Dr. Robotnik slapped his hand on the iron railing nearby, "Nothing quite tops off a fresh conquest like some fresh shrimp on the barbie! On a Tuesday even!" Eggman let out a hearty laugh. "As I was about to say, I can't seem to thank you enough for taking me onto this grand venture of yours."

Dr. Robotnik was a convenient pawn, that much was true, and he had proved quite useful so far. Thanks to his technical expertise, along with some of the assets he lent to Ozai's personal retinue, the Fire Nation fleet was unmatched in the entire world. Still, the man could be a bit of an annoyance, especially with his incessant small talk. The fat man spoke a bit more than the Phoenix King would have liked, and such men were more likely than not to let something slip.

Perhaps he would have to introduce him to The Boiling Rock sometime later.

Dr Robotnik then turned from the window to face Ozai. "You should show a bit more excitement, your majesty! We're about to subdue an entire nation! Just think about it! Once we have all of Vale's Dust reserves and their transformable-weapon technology, our robots will be better than ever! Who knows, maybe we'll be able to integrate some of the region's so-called 'Grrm' into our new designs! You know what they say, the more the merrier!"

Ozai silently grumbled as he looked out at his fleet and the city beyond. In spite of the doctor's faults, the man still had his uses. Indeed, not even the Americans could boast of a fleet to match his own, especially after recently acquiring that small flotilla of semi-sentient ships complete with disintegrating ion cannons.

 _All of Remnant will soon belong to me._

The Fire Lord then pressed the button for the microphone strapped onto his person, which allowed him to communicate with the entire fleet.

"All ships, commence Operation Firestorm."

* * *

 **A/N: Hi everyone! Hope y'all are still enjoying this. I was originally going to include a section that shows what's going on with the Malachite Sisters and whatnot, but I ultimately decided not to because nothing's really happening on their end at this point in the story.**

 **I'm not sure whether adding another faction at this point in the story was a good idea, considering how much of a clusterfuck Hoboverse!Remnant is already, but I've kinda been planning on this for some time, so I figured I might as well just go with it. I hope I'm not going to regret this decision later.**

 **Also, I should probably try making a map of what "Remnant" looks like in this story at some point, cause if it isn't obvious already, Hoboverse!Remnant looks fairly different from canon!Remnant. I'll probably make an announcement when I get around to doing it.**

 **I'm going to be going out of town in a week or two, so there might be slightly larger gap than usual between when I post updates during that time.**

 **Now that this brief interlude is up, the Assault on Vale arc should be starting next update. So, anyway, Happy Holidays everyone! If you have any questions about the story, be sure to comment/pm me or whatnot, and be sure to favorite/subscribe if you like this story.**


	26. Attack on Vale

Our mission was simple.

We would go in, defeat Nora Valkyrie and her lackeys, and then rescue my long time partner, Roman Torchwick. Of course, we'd have a whole bunch of other problems to deal with once we restored order to the city, but lets not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?

The landing itself was a piece of cake. We only encountered a handful of Atlasian soldiers and gunships when we parked our rig over on the southeast corner of Vale right up along the main wall, since over half of Nora's forces were too busy trying to keep the Fire Nation from establishing a beachhead. It was only lucky we had been able to slip in relatively unnoticed.

Hell, you could practically hear the fireworks from here. With all the high caliber ordinance blasting Vale's western shoreline, I don't think we'll have much of a city left once this whole shitstorm blows over.

Now that we were back in this god-forsaken city, there were quite a few objectives that needed taking care of.

First, we'd need to get our hands on a reliable power source. Even with our almighty juggernaut of a battlecruiser, it didn't have enough juice to power both Gendo's Biomech and the Ripple Cannon Mussolini had built before he died. If we were going to take down Nora Valkyrie, we were going to need that weapon, considering there isn't any sunlight for hundreds of miles. There were a few abandoned coal and Dust plants south of the river dividing the main city. Considering most of the junk powering Nora's operations were concentrated into her massively oversized corporate tower, she probably wouldn't care if a few run-down power facilities fell into enemy hands.

Second, we'd need to find any help we could get. Even with all the infighting going on in the city, we were going to lose a helluva lot of men trying to blast our way through the carnage and trying to break into Nora's base. There were probably a few pockets of American resistance left in the city, but the amount of signal interference coming from Nora's headquarters made it difficult to get a hold of them. Our scrolls seemed to be jamming up as well.

It's also possible we might run into some local gangs who can help us out. Junior might be out of business, but I hear my old coworkers Emmy and Merc are still in town. Emmy's a pretty crafty cat herself, and she'd do wonders for our team's racial diversity now that our ranks have been filled with a bunch of those damn Faunus folk.

They never should've slept with my man Torchwick, cause his ass belongs to me.

Now, what the hell was I just talking about?

Oh, that's right, Emerald might also help us sneak into Nora's base, assuming we can find her.

Now Mercury, on the other hand, would probably be more difficult to find. It was rumored he ran off with one of those upstart Shrek cults, but nobody had any concrete data on where his whereabouts might be. It would be a huge plus if we could get him onto our side, cause then every single one of those Shrek fanatics would be flocking to our cause.

So, lets get this mission started, shall we?

We had about a hundred-twenty-two White Fang operatives under our wing, along with about thirty-five former Al Qaeda terrorists, eighteen local recruits, and thirty-four U.S. Navy Seals sent under the President's orders. Compared to the numbers churned out by Nora's company, it wasn't much, but it would have to do the job. We had about a hundred old security droids lying around, but most of them needed new software updates in order to keep hackers from assuming control of them.

Most of our ground troops were split up into squads of four manning each of the thirty-four armored personnel carriers we brought aboard the ship, who would escort us as we advanced into the main city. About seventeen lone wolves on motorcycles would advance ahead of the rest of the pack and report back if there was trouble up ahead. We would drive straight into the main city, take control of a few of Vale's power plants, and then establish a perimeter from the south bank of the river to Vale's southern walls. Five of the Apaches that came along during the journey would fly overhead to keep an eye on the whole situation and be ready to provide air support if things got nasty. These were in turn escorted by Hercules and his flying steed, in case something tried attacking the choppers directly.

Another transport from the Al Qaeda base was on its way to supply us with some more goods and recruits, but it would be a while before they could get here. Someone had suggested we should take the main ship and have it provide ground support for our main forces, but that would probably draw the attention of Gilgamesh or Nora, which would be nothing but bad news for us.

We also had about four T-34s in our fancy little platoon, each one needing about four people to drive the damn thing. These trailed behind our main forces, ready to respond to any threats that developed on the field.

In spite of the fact I didn't really give a shit about command, I was put in charge of the west flank. Considering nobody could understand a word I said, all I had to do was press a few simple buttons whenever any activity came up, which would send out a few signal flares to the rest of the advance force. I also had some sort of lame-ass text communicator, in case I needed to give out any complex orders.

Weiss and Frollo were put in command of the east flank. Prince Arslan and his bodyguard were positioned somewhere in the middle column, where he could quickly provide aid to his Heroic Servant or relay commands to any of the flanks.

Ruby, on the other hand, would stay back with Gendo to help monitor the ship. With her newfound stand, little Red could communicate with the ship faster than any of us could type, and thus would be able to respond to any potential threats much faster. Some of us suggested that Ruby should pilot Gendo's biomech and have it escort the advance force, but I wasn't too keen on that. That big black machine would make one easy target for one of Gilgamesh's Phantasms, so ultimately, we all decided against it. Ultimately, we'd have to bring it along and hook it up to one of the power plants, but only after we fully secured the area. Besides, we didn't have anything to lug that rig around without being too conspicuous. Still, if worst came to worst, Ruby could just hop in that thing and drive it straight to the front. At any rate, it was better if she stayed back and managed some of the on-board factories, since that would help expedite production on her artificial limbs and get her back in action.

Link and Adam were still out of commission, so they probably wouldn't be able to join the fight for a few days or so. Adam's second in command, a chainsaw-wielding lieutenant, took charge in his stead, and was currently stationed right at the front. Everyone else stayed back at the ship, keeping it operational in case we needed to fall back.

Most of our initial drive went straight through Vale's farm districts, which meant we could see each other without too much difficulty. Most of this part of the country was relatively unaffected by whatever went on in the city, though marijuana was a fairly big pastime in these parts. Most of these lands were run by individual homeowners, though almost everyone gave a part of their harvest to the SDC as a form of tribute. A few fields had been scorched to the ground from whenever gang wars spread out into the countryside, though these were mostly concentrated near the city's industrial parts. Far up ahead, we could see the clouded city skyline, along with Nora's corporate headquarters, which shot into the sky like a goddamn needle. Every so often, light flashed from the west whenever some mad supervillain fired off a laser cannon or one of the Fire Nation antimatter missiles cut into the shoreline.

About ten or fifteen minutes into the drive, one of our motorcycle scouts came back and drove up alongside my Batmobile. I assumed he had found some fresh cars we could use so that we all wouldn't need to be so cramped together, but it turns out that wasn't the case.

When I poked my head out of the hatch, keeping my umbrella out so my pretty face would stay dry, the goon driving the motorcycle seemed to be wearing one of those Atlasian military uniforms. My first instinct was to slice his head in two, but then he started begging for mercy.

"Wait, wait! I'm with you guys remember?" While trying to keep his hand on the handles, he pulled off his helmet, making sure I could see the turban he was wearing underneath.

One of the troops sitting next to me peeked out of one of the windows. "Yep, he checks out."

Alright, mister fancy-pants, have you got news for me or what?

It took me a few seconds to realize that dumbass couldn't understand a word I was saying, so I had to type it all out on that goddamn tablet Ruby gave me. Dear god, this is going to be a pain in the ass.

"Everything up to Candy Street and Maple is clear. We encountered a few of Ironwood's goons along the way, but luckily we caught them by surprise."

You check up on the front?

"Didn't have enough time to get that far. I'll have a look around the docks once I get the chance." The goon started to drive off, but then slowed down once again. "Oh, I think some of those Atlas guys said something about a possible coup. You might want to relay that over to High Command."

I didn't really know what to make of this new information, but it sounded like Nora's company was in a bit of a rough spot. It was bound to happen with the large number of countries rallying against her on public television, but an internal coup?

This was bound to be game changing.

At any rate, this is all the more reason we need an inside man on the job, like Emmy. She would blend right into the corporate hierarchy, and no one would suspect a thing.

I had one of the cars behind us try to relay this new information over to the other flanks. Not that it would change our current mission, but the sooner everyone in command knew, the better.

About fifteen minutes later, we arrived right at the outskirts of the city. Now communication was bound to get tricky. Even with Nora's tower as a visual reference, we couldn't see the other divisions without navigating Vale's city streets, which were now littered with piles of corpses.

A lot of them looked like they belonged to American soldiers, which meant some of the fighting had spread here. It's possible that some of them might still be in the area, but we didn't have time to look without splitting with the rest of the group. Some of them looked like they still had usable equipment, though we'd have to pick it up later.

I kept my eyes on the sky to see if any of our attack choppers picked up any signs of activity, though they all kept low in order to avoid detection. Aside from my contingent and the two copters escorting us, Hercules and Pegasus were the only ones I could see, flying high above the city skyscrapers. Even if he wasn't the greatest tactician, he was in the best position to direct our forces as a whole. It's a shame we didn't bring Pimp Daddy Gendo in one of those Chinooks. Hell, we could've brought him along in one of our BTR-80s!

As we traversed the city streets, I saw a few teenage boys standing on the corner. They looked like they were advertising for some high-tech space program, complete with a few poster drawn from crayon, but honestly it just looked like a scam. They weren't asking for much, so I just tossed them a few quarters I found while rummaging through the ship. It'll keep them alive for a few days while the city goes to hell.

When we got past Plum Street, I heard cannon fire coming from near the river, followed by the type of rumble you hear from a ride with a souped-up engine. We started encountering wreckage from a few American choppers and Bullheads. Some of the buildings in these quarters were in bad shape as well, and the rising dust made vision even more difficult.

About a minute or so later, one of our motorcycles came in from the corner up ahead, and then made a sharp U-turn to join up with my vehicle. The motorcycle looked like it had taken a few hits. The White Fang soldier riding it was carrying an old beat-up megaphone, and her face was covered in soot and ash.

"Major Gasai, enemy tank spotted on the east flank! It's one of those Panzer IV models! We don't…"

The moment she said this, something the size of a giant boulder rammed right into Hercules and smashed him straight into the transport three cars behind me.

Considering Hercules was one of the strongest men alive, I knew this couldn't be any good.

"Shit! What the hell is going on?"

I whistled for the driver to turn us around, and reached my hand for the button console.

 _ **-FSHOOOO!-**_

I quickly motioned for the guy across from me to take control of the transport's main gun, and then jumped out of the nearest exit hatch.

Right on command, almost everyone turned to face that _thing_ that was now pummeling the legendary Hercules with its giant axe-sword. None of our bullets seemed to be having any effect, as the hulking barbarian warrior simply shrugged them off while using its sword to deflect any shots that came close to the little white-haired Russian girl riding on top of him.

Even after taking a couple hits, Herc looked like he had a number of severe gashes going right through him, and his horse didn't look much better either.

This looks like a good time to try out some of my Jedi mind tricks.

I haven't really used this shit since that time when Blondie busted Merc's kneecaps, though I might have used it a couple times since then. Who knows? Nobody's really paying attention to what goes on in this story anyway.

Some people may think my semblance is the most broken thing ever, but then again, I don't play by the rules.

As I ran to meet the barbarian head on, I saw Weiss's flare shoot out in the distance. Looks like we're being attacked on all sides.

At this point, some of our troops brought out their rocket launchers, aiming them right at the hulking barbarian warrior and the white-haired Russian girl riding on top.

 _ **-FSHOO!-FSHOO!-FSHOO!-FSHOO!-**_

The skirt-wearing giant then leapt high up into the air and then slammed right into one of the Apaches nearby…

 _ **-CRASH!-KABOOM!-**_

…before driving his sword straight through one of the cars behind me.

Although I was lucky enough not to get hit by the shrapnel, the fires from the resulting explosions rapidly started filling the air with smoke.

"Shit! We've gotta get out of here!"

"This is like Gandhi all over again!"

As several of our men started high-tailing it out of here, the mighty barbarian warrior let out a great, ogre-like roar, lifted up some of the wreckage nearby, and then threw it straight at the other Apache like The Incredible Hulk.

"Who's yo daddy now, bitches?" said the young, white-haired Russian. "Maybe y'all know to buy my sweet mixtapes next time!"

I couldn't explain why, but something about her voice seemed somewhat familiar.

Anyway, now that those two were over there instead of worrying about Hercules, I used this time to get over him and deploy one of my illusion circles. I got him and his white horsey up and tried dragging them over to a corner nearby. I saw a couple transports start coming over from the center column, but after seeing most of our men fleeing back to the ship, they saw it fit to stay back for a moment while the heroes took care of things.

I couldn't tell how long it would take for some of the other commanders to get over here, but for now all I could do was hide. I heard my zone shatter when the barbarian and the girl from Soviet Russia rammed into it. Each step they took shook the ground like a magnitude-7 earthquake.

Luckily, I was at the next street over by the time they came around the corner. Herc and his ride were pretty damn heavy, but luckily they still had enough juice in them to keep on moving.

"Thanks… Neo."

I found a little alleyway about halfway down the block, where we could lay low for a while before the enemy found us.

I set the injured Servant down by a dumpster, which happened to lie just next to one of those legitimate businessmen's clubs. Pegasus collapsed soon after.

I tried looking around to see if I could find anything to help patch him up. I ain't no medical professional, but sometimes you gotta do these things while out on a case. I didn't really want to get any blood on my slick black gloves, so I had to take them off. My hands are pretty clean anyway, cause I remember to keep up my dental hygiene.

Surprisingly, Herc's wounds started to heal up pretty quickly. There also seemed to be a faint golden glow coming out of him. Must be from his semblance or something.

"I should be fine now. You're a lifesaver, Neo."

Don't even mention it.

I heard cars moving around nearby, but aside from machine guns and a few tank shots, it didn't sound like anything else was being smashed.

I wonder why those two suddenly stopped.

Just as this thought crossed my mind, I heard a loud whinny from Pegasus as he tried to drag himself down the nearby steps.

I turned around.

Well, it looks like we're fucked.

So much for this story having a happy ending.

The white-haired Russian girl leaped off the raging warrior's back and began to approach. Her hulking barbarian Servant tried to follow alongside her, but the girl motioned for him to say back.

Hercules drew out his short-sword and stepped in front of me, "You… s-stay back!"

The young girl stopped in place. For the first time, I could see the hatred lingering within her deep red eyes.

It was at that very moment that I recognized her for who she was.

With her Servant not too far behind, Illyasviel leveled her finger at Hercules and said, "You're not the real Charles Barkley! You're just a wannabe poser!"

* * *

 **A/N: Hi everyone! Sorry if this chapter seems a bit rushed, but I wanted to pump out this chapter before Christmas came around. As mentioned in the last author's note, I'm going to be out of town for a bit, so the next chapter might not come for a while.**

 **Anyway, I've been planning for this face-off for a ridiculously long time. It's just taken me twenty-something chapters to finally get to it.**

 **Also, sorry if some parts of this chapter seem a bit info-dumpy, but I kinda want people to have an idea what this formation/deployment looks like. I'm not sure how plausible the numbers for all the troops on Weiss's team are, since I kinda just made them up on the spot, and I probably could have arranged the deployment a bit better if I had more time to go over it. This is probably going to be a nightmare to keep track of though, and I've probably fucked up some things already.**

 **Also, Neo chapter! Don't know what people think of it though, since I don't really get much feedback on this.**

 **Anyway, hope y'all are looking forward to the next chapter! Cheers!**


	27. Zero, or Hero?

Hercules looked at the white Russian girl with a puzzled look on his face. "Charles Barkley?"

"Don't look at me like I'm some sorta foo! I didn't come all the way from Timbuktu to deal with yo shit! Berserker, get him!"

The mighty servant then let out a mighty, ogre-like roar, took his master in his arm, and then came at us like a Japanese bullet train. I only had a split second to grab Herc by the wrist, activate my semblance, and then sprint across the wall as the Servant's blade swept underneath us. Pegasus probably wasn't so lucky.

A few seconds after I heard the illusion shatter, I heard the white haired girl shout from behind us, "Where the fuck did you go? I'm gonna bust a cap in yo ass when I find you!"

As soon as we were out of the alleyway, we bolted hard down the street, trying to see if there were any nearby cars to jack. Luckily, a few of our transports were starting to come around the corner.

Prince Arslan popped his head out of one of them, and then furiously motioned for us to hop in.

I kept on running, looking behind to check if the girl and her Berserker class servant had come out yet. I was starting to get a few cramps, and the backside of my head was starting to hurt like hell. My legs were starting to go slack as well.

Yet while I was out of breath, Hercules had started to pick up speed, to the point where he brought me into his arms and lifted me up as he leapt into Arslan's rig.

I didn't have time to check whether those two were still chasing us, but by that point we bolted out of there like a bat out of hell.

When I looked up, Arslan was holding out his tablet in front of me. "Here, use this."

I took it.

Even though we seemed to have gotten away, the car still shook every time Illyasviel's Servant took a step.

"Are you two alright?" asked the white-haired prince.

I nodded, though Herc still seemed to be in a bit of shock after losing one of his best friends.

"I take it Pegasus is dead, then?"

Neither of us could say for sure whether that was the truth, but none of us were willing to go back after what had happened back there, especially not with Illyasviel and her Russian hit-man.

You see, the thing most people don't realize is that Illyasviel is the direct descendant of Adolf Hitler. Many, many years ago, when Winston Churchill brought in the Americans under General George S. Patton Jr against the Axis powers because Hitler and Stalin wouldn't let him join in for a three-way, some of Hitler's loyal Nazi supporters wanted to preserve what was left of their culture of racial superiority. So they took some of Hitler's blood and used it to create a line of super-Aryan soldiers, the Einzberns. I don't actually have a fucking clue why those damn Nazi bastards chose that stupid-ass name - probably because is sounded German enough - but it's as clear as the light of day that they're nothing but bad news. Hell, you can even see the liquid hatred steaming out of their eye sockets.

Right now, there is only one thing we can do. Get backup and get lots of it. If we've got one of them Hitler clones running about, there's no telling what we will run into next. We stay here too long, and soon we'll run into whoever is running all this _#FeelTheBern_ crap I keep seeing on all the billboards lately. I keep hearing all this bullshit about how over sixty-nine percent of the nation's wealth is owned by the top point-zero-one percent, and while it's true, we don't need any more goddamn memes in this city, especially not with all this talk of The Great Shrekoning that is to come.

What the hell is The Great Shrekoning supposed to be anyway?

Anyway, I think I've rambled on for a bit too long.

In spite of all the fighting going on, the inside of the car had been surprisingly quiet. We were just circling around back into the southern edge of the industrial district to see if we could shake Illyasviel off our trail. Daryun sat firm and upright on his seat, holding his lance up high without moving a muscle, but I could tell he was itching for some action.

Surprisingly, it was the driver who broke the silence, "Who was that back there?"

I typed out the name of the white-haired Russian Hitler clone on my newly acquired tablet and showed it up front.

"That's the little girl's name, right? No, I meant the Servant."

Herc then spoke up, "I think that was me, somehow."

"What do you mean by that?" asked Prince Arslan.

"Well, I don't really know how to explain it. It felt like I was fighting a different version of myself, but I could still feel that it was me. A darker, stronger version of me."

"Something is off, that's for sure," said Arslan's bodyguard.

"Yeah," said Herc. "Say, do any of you know who Charles Barkley is?"

Almost everyone else gave the old hero a puzzled expression.

"The girl, Illyasviel or whatever her name is, she said that I'm not the real Charles Barkley, but I don't know who that is. Was there something behind those words?

"But after having fought that thing, I think I understand what she was trying to say. Maybe I'm not the real Hercules, but does that mean that her Servant is the real thing? Does this mean that we're all just fakes pretending to take the roles of the real thing?" Herc pulled his hair back. "I don't know. Maybe we'll never know."

Arslan watched his Servant in apprehension, his palms held tightly together, "I-I didn't know that was how you felt about things."

"Okay," said the driver up front, "didn't really expect one of us to have an existential crisis on the spot, but why don't we focus on the task at hand?"

"Good point," said Herc.

While Hercules had been rambling on about the philosophical implications of some bullshit meme, I had been trying to type out a few questions I wanted to ask the crown prince himself. What was going on with Weiss and the White Fang Lieutenant, and did any of us dispatch someone to get a hold of HQ. Cause if there was anyone who could handle this situation right now, it was Pimp-Daddy Gendo.

"We sent someone back to the ship right after the attack started," said Arslan. "I think Raphael is out helping Weiss, based on what I've heard."

Raphael, eh? I didn't know that son of a bitch even had a name. Back when my partner and I were working under Cinder's crime patrol, we just called everyone Bob or Joe or Billy Bob Joe cause they didn't pay us enough to learn everyone's names. Strange to think that he of all people would be the one to come to the ice princess's rescue even after all those years.

 _ **-KABOOM!-**_

" _SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"_

The driver's sudden turn forced us all into the wall. I was able to brace myself before the landing, but the others didn't seem so lucky. Seconds later, the entire car leaped up into the air like it had hit a pothole.

Daryun was already up and running, peering through the hatch with his lance at the ready.

"Daryun," shouted the prince, "what's going on?"

However, it was the driver who responded to the request, "A tank just blew a hole through one of the transports in front of us! Look!"

Once Arslan's black knight had hopped out of the vehicle, I followed him out of the hatch and looked upon the devastation before us. At least five of our transports from Weiss's contingent had been totaled, and I could see the wreckage from one of our choppers along with a single arm desperately reaching out from the rubble.

But standing at the end of the block was the avatar of death itself, an authentic, World War II era German tank clad in unadorned steel, with Heavy Weapons Guy standing up top. It was one of those Panzer IV variants, though I couldn't say which one, and the traditional Nazi symbology had been replaced by a bunch of cutesy-ass anglerfish stickers for some reason. Two gray-haired children, Hansel and Gretel themselves, stood on the machine's flanks, armed with the latest in sub-machine gun technology that could still be carried by five-year-olds. There was also some Japanese schoolgirl peeking out of the tank's side-hatch, but no one's really interested in hearing her side of the story.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that they were the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse themselves.

"Eesh!" Herc cringed as he brought his master out of the transport.

Arslan remarked upon the destruction soon after, "How on earth did they manage to do this?"

"There's no way those things are less than a hundred-forty millimeter! That shit looks like it could rip through some of our better defenses! How the hell did they mount something like that in one of those things?"

"Guys, look!"

We all turned toward the alleyway to the right, where we saw the distinct glow of Weiss's blue lightsaber clashing against hard, cold steel.

"You guys go on ahead," Herc said as he turned back towards the tank up ahead, "I'll handle these guys myself."

"Are you…"

"They don't call me a hero for nothing."

The half-breed driver looked on in awe as the legendary hero lifted the nearby transport and threw it across the street.

 _ **-KABOOM!-**_

In the midst of the explosion, Hansel and Gretel rushed forth with guns blazing.

" _EVERYBODY RUN!"_

The moment Herc told us to bail, we all sprinted straight through the nearby alleyway and sprang out of the next avenue.

What happened next was instantaneous.

 _"SAKU…"_

My ninja reflexes kicked right in, and I ran over and smashed my foot right into the strangely-dressed magician girl coming around the corner. It was only after that I realized I just kicked an eight-year-old girl right in the noggin. Some blonde kid dressed in a lion costume feebly tried to tackle me over, but I just elbowed him right in the gut.

"Maria-chan!" a voice shouted from behind me.

Before I could react, Daryun interposed himself between myself and our new adversary, and then smacked a flying ninja knife out of the air with his lance. The knife transformed into one of those well-dressed hookers shortly after it hit the ground.

It was only then I noticed the girl with the white beret assaulting Weiss and Frollo with an ogre-sized billhook cleaver. Her hair was a bit of an orangish color, and she was wearing one of them white sailor's outfits. Seriously, what the fuck is up with all these Japanese schoolgirls in this city? I thought this was supposed to be hard city noir with some good old crime and mystery, not some shitty anime ripoff.

" _HIYAAA!"_

Weiss then lunged at the mysterious newcomer with her lightsaber as Judge Frollo circled around to take her from the side.

The girl casually blocked Frollo's attack with her billhook, and then turned back to look at us. I couldn't help but notice a few deep scratch marks near her neck, and coupled with the dead look in her eyes, it wasn't too hard to figure out that she had a heroin addiction.

"Hmm… So this is part of Oyashiro-sama's curse. I would best be off then…"

The girl turned around and then sprinted straight up the side of the building, in spite of all laws of physics. I honestly had no idea who this "Oyashiro-sama" is supposed to be, but I guess it must be Japanese for "The Fairy Godmother." No other explanation would make sense.

"Weiss!"

Arslan went up to meet with the former Schnee heiress, who seemed to have suffered quite a few bruises and scratches.

"Who were those guys?"

"No fucking clue. All I know is I'm being attacked by a bunch of Japanese schoolgirls driving a tank along with Heavy Weapons Guy and a bunch of pre-schoolers."

"Uh, guys," said the White Fang driver, "what do we do with these three?"

Weiss moved forward to examine the three combatants lying on the ground, in particular the red-shirted street hooker.

"Neo, didn't we fight her back when Ms. Goodwitch attacked us?"

Come to think of it, she did look kinda familiar. Mammon, I think she was called. To think we'd come face to face with one of those damn street hookers after what went down on Baker Street.

"You two know this girl?" Arslan asked.

"She was in some stupid circus troupe that attacked us before we left the city." Weiss lifted Mammon up with her arms, "Alright, spill the beans, dolt! Who sent you?"

The brown-haired stripper slowly regained consciousness, "Ugh, didn't expect to see you guys again."

"Who fucking sent you? Answer me you stupid peasant!"

"Look, girl, I was summoned by Maria over there." She half-assedly pointed over the girl lying on the ground a few meters away from us. "Illya said something about someone copying her idea of summoning Heracles as a Heroic servant and wanting to make them pay for it. Also said something about people not buying her mix-tapes. Had I known we would've run into you guys, I might have been more reluctant for the job. Where's blondie anyway?"

"Hmph," said Weiss, "like you'd need to know. Lets bring these dolts back to base so we can interrogate them."

"You guys think we should go see if we can help Herc and everyone else?" asked the driver.

Everyone nodded their heads.

"Alright," said Daryun, "let me just check…"

" _PANZER VOR!"_

 _ **-KABOOOOOM!-**_

The moment Daryun stepped around the corner, an armor-piercing tank bullet whizzed by over his head as he just barely ducked out of its trajectory and plunged straight into the building on the other side.

"Fuck! _EVERYONE JUST RUN!"_

When Weiss gave the command, we all started going down south. I could hear the heavy rumbling of the tank's engines behind us, and Heavy's gun was starting to rev up into full gear.

But not a second to late, Illyasviel and her Servant Heracles had come up from around the corner, carrying Herc's impaled body on the warrior's giant axe-sword.

 _"COME BACK HERE YOU FUCKING COPYCAT SCRUB! I'M GONNA 420-NO-SCOPE YO ASSES FOR TRYING TO STEAL MY IDEA!"_

Right after she said that, Daryun smashed open one of the windows on the building right next to us. "Get inside, now!"

All six of us ran as fast as we could, though I stayed back a little to make sure everyone got in alright. Illyasviel and her Servant started rapidly gaining on our position, and by the time I jumped in, I saw the Panzer peek its turret around the corner, with Heavy's guns aimed straight at us.

" _IT'S COWARD KILLING TIME!"_

 _ **-BZZZZZZZZZZZZ!-**_

I somersaulted in just before the bullets could nip me in the ass. Hopefully, some of those projectiles would be going straight at Heracles and create chaos among the enemy ranks. It might not seem like much, but it seems that I've managed to outsmart the ever so omniscient bullet, multiple times as a matter of fact.

We seemed to have entered what remained of an old credit union office, though if we dug deep enough, we would probably run into some of the shops down the street.

As I quickly moved a desk to block the window, Daryun motioned for us to continue straight down the hall. Weiss used one of the Dust cartridges she brought along to help solidify the impromptu barrier I put up.

Almost five seconds after we started rushing down the hall, Heracles's bulky mass smashed its way through the walls.

" _GET BACK HERE YOU SHITHEADS!"_

The hall made a quick turn to the left. Once the stretch reached its end, we had Frollo carve an opening into the small Italian joint on the next street over.

Soon after, we were back on the streets, though most of our transports that came with us seem to have run off.

Damn, looks like escape will be harder than we thought.

Weiss then pointed to one of the buildings across the avenue, "Let's try that one!"

We were off once more, but only a few seconds passed before we heard Heracles break through.

"Shit!"

Even though we had gotten halfway across the road, we didn't have enough time to make the full journey.

Looks like it's time to bring out my semblance again.

As I tried figuring out what sort of illusion would best lead the Soviet Russian off our trail, she pointed at us and made a grand-standing speech, "You've got nowhere to run, bitches! I'm gonna pop a…"

 _ **-POW!-**_

The sound came from straight overhead, and although Heracles had attempted to block and grasp the bullet with his own hand, the bullet penetrated straight through his immortal flesh and bore right through Illyasviel's skull, splattering her brains all over the pavement below.

 _"YOU JUST GOT FUCKING NO-SCOPED, MOTHERFUCKER!"_

Weiss dropped onto the ground speechless. "Gwonam is here…"

As we all tried to comprehend what had just happened, Gwonam, Mario, and Luigi had swept down on a magic carpet and swerved straight into the alley next door. Heracles slowly disappeared from sight as the victorious cries of gamers everywhere rang throughout the city.

" _I AM THE ONE WHO BRINGS THE SHREKONING YOU INGRATES! YOU THINK I AM DEAD? I'M BACK FROM THE GRAVE, MOTHERFUCKERS! SQUADALAH!"_

" _OH NOOOO…!"_

 _ **-POW!-**_

" _ANNNN-YAADAH!"_

As Heavy plopped over onto the ground from Gwonam's critical headshot, Mario and Luigi jumped off Gwonam's magic carpet and kicked the brown-haired schoolgirl as she tried to retreat back into the tank's hull.

"And we're the Super Mario Brothers!" boasted the elder brother.

"Don't you forget it!" Luigi added.

The cries of schoolgirls could be heard from within the tank as the Mario brothers threw them out into the streets, though one of them remained unusually calm.

After all that running like scared chickens, we were finally safe at last. My knees buckled underneath me, as the fatigue and strain in my legs had finally started to catch up to me. I don't think there was a single one of us who wasn't glad that Gwonam had came when he did.

"Holy shit," said the goon who tagged along with us, "that is like perfect timing!"

As the Mario brothers gathered up the prisoners and put them on the sidewalk, Gwonam flew down close to Weiss and the rest of us. Upon a closer look, his body seemed to be covered in bandages like one of those legendary Samurai warriors. "Weiss, Neo, tell his majesty I am sorry, for I was unable to rescue the princess. But rest assured, for I vow that I shall one day make those rascally troublemakers pay for daring to take on the true leader of FaZe Clan!"

"Uh…" Weiss cringed, "about that…"

Gwonam briefly looked at the girl with an expression of puzzlement, but slowly he began to grasp her true meaning, "Oh dear…"

* * *

 **A/N: Hi peoples! I'm back from vacation! I wasn't quite sure whether or not this would be the best place to stop, but I kinda wanted to get this next chapter out before the weekend started even though I lost a lot of time due to vacation. This whole battle sequence could have gone a lot of different ways, so I'm not sure if this is the most sound outcome based on how the battle played out. I was originally going to have Ruby reinforce the advance squad via the Blake!mech, but I also figured this would be a good time to reintroduce Gwonam, since he's still alive because of reasons. I was also thinking of having a mini-scene afterwards though I could probably include it in the next chapter.**

 **People probably won't recognize most of the new characters introduced this chapter, but then again that's kinda the case for almost every single character who isn't part of RWBY or some other major franchise.**

 **I'm gonna stop rambling here. Anyway, hope y'all enjoy this chapter, even if it's a bit rushed.**


	28. District 69

Once most of the team was back together, we headed deeper into the city. Little Red helped clear out the area shortly after we had reunited with Gwonam and the Mario Brothers, but luckily we hadn't encountered any more enemy stragglers. Some of our men helped ferry the schoolgirls and tank back to HQ for interrogation.

Overall, our mission was a success, but that didn't mean we had ourselves a free breakfast. Over half of our vehicles had been totaled during the clash, and about a hundred men were dead or MIA.

Weiss's contingent wasn't the only one that encountered major resistance. Almost all of the transports assigned to the White Fang Lieutenant had been totaled by the time we got to them, and even the man himself had taken a few bullets to the head. Most of the men we were able to find looked pretty shaken up.

Apparently, our vanguard had stumbled into some fourth-grader with blue hair and a Hime-cut when they reached Herring Avenue. The goon squads didn't think much of her, but it turns out she was armed to the teeth. Looking at the devastation and the number of tax reform pamphlets and cat pictures taped all over the place, he results weren't pretty. Nobody was actually sure on what her real name was, so the survivors just called her "Bernie" or "Neepaah" because she kept repeating that shit like a broken tape recorder.

I tried speaking to some of the survivors myself, using a phone one of the other goons lent to me. But as I began pressing on some of the finer details of the attack, I learned something that was far worse than any of us could have ever imagined.

This Bernie girl or whatever the fuck her name is? She had Minions working for her.

Ever since that last incident, long before the Cataclysm went down, I never thought I would hear of those yellow bastards ever again.

I thought we had dealt with them for good, but it seems they've managed to worm their way out of whatever dark and filth-ridden depths they came from.

Once upon a time, there used to be these things called The Rabbids. They looked like your average white fluffy bunny-rabbits, sorta like Velvet Scarlatina except white, but they're nothing but pure bags of shit. Now, they weren't made by Sir Isaac Newton himself, but they always brought their stupid Pillsbury Dough-Boy antics with them. Soon, every city street and interstate was filled with nothing but their ear-grating cries of "Doooh!" until even the Grrm started to run the fuck away from them. Let me tell you, those shit-balls bred like a Pimp-Daddy Faunus and a Rainbow Monkey on a Saturday morning.

It got to the point where we had to kill every last one of those bastards, and damn was it a pain in the ass.

Our state-sponsored program of genocide lasted for something like twenty years. We got them out of our streets and out of our cities, but those who were smart enough to run at the first call hid underground behind the old Dwarven fortresses where we couldn't find them. We thought we had gotten all of them, and so for a time Remnant seemed at peace.

But we were wrong.

While we were celebrating up top with hard booze and new _Minecraft_ videos from Achievement Hunter, they were watching, waiting for the right time to strike. While we were busy trying to rebuild our crumbling infrastructure and looking for hidden allegorical meanings in video games, they were slowly expanding from deep within the confines of their underground fortresses.

They adapted. They evolved.

While I was still learning tips and tricks from my old boss, they came out in droves. Except they this time were not mindlessly Raving Rabbids; they had become Minions.

It's said some schmuck going by the name Gru over from the Carpathian Highlands had hired a bunch of these yellow bastards to serve as grunt labor in his new supervillain enterprise. I don't know if this is true or not, but once they were out, they spread like wildfire. Soon they had taken over the entire Chiquita banana corporation, using it to brainwash the population at large with their insidious propaganda.

But these weren't just your ordinary cutesy kids show mascots. No, they were far, far worse.

They were smarter, stronger, faster, and ten times more annoying then the Rabbids they descended from. And unlike their caveman ancestors, they had managed to set up universal, single-payer healthcare, meaning fewer of them were dying during childbirth and more of them were living on longer. You can see why this was good news for them and bad news for us.

It's a wonder we ever got out of that situation alive.

But they're back, and now we've gotta strike them down hard and fast before they take over the city government through sheer numbers alone.

I tried telling the others about this, but I'm not sure if they got the message.

It took us another thirty minutes to get over to the Dust plants near the northern end of the industrial district, mostly because we were keeping an eye out for any trouble. We encountered a couple of street hooligans here and there, but nothing too major. It's a wonder we haven't been pounced on by Nora's internal security forces, even if most of them are holed up on the western shores. Considering Gendo's experimental bio-mech stands over most skyscrapers, it wouldn't be too had for Gilgamesh to throw one of his special Phantasms our way and get the job done then and there.

The place was much bigger than I remembered. Even though the city maps said we were just a few blocks away from the main river, the streets seemed to stretch on for miles. Everywhere you looked, there was nothing but coal plants, robotics facilities, Dust reactors, steel mills, oil rigs, and hangars for constructing Bullheads. The whole place looked like your average middle-of-the-century, Victorian era manufactory, complete with smokestacks and chimneys pouring endless filth into Vale's blackened skies. For some reason, this area seemed to have a bit more color to it than the rest of the city, which was mostly gray and monochrome like your average detective story. Sometimes I think that someone's been fucking with the local space-time continuum, which would explain how the city planners were able to cram most of the city's vital industrial and power facilities into a few square miles. The only way I could tell we were still in Vale was by looking at the skyscrapers on the outer rim of the central lot and Nora's tower hanging out in the distance.

We ran into some brown-haired kid wearing nothing but his birthday suit and a thin blanket. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked like he had just come straight out of a psycho ward. When we tried talking to him, he tried to pounce in hopes that he could steal our sugar, even though we didn't bring any. Not that he ever stood a chance, with only his imaginary friends to back him up.

We had no choice but to put the kid out of his misery. A shame really. It speaks miles that a kid this young could become yet another victim of this city and its pure, unwashed moral ineptitude, even for something as minor as a sugar addiction.

Not everyone was too keen about my decision, but I had to do what I had to do.

We parked Ruby's mecha over by one of the big factories out on Meat Street. In spite of all laws of common sense and geometric proportionality, the rig was at least ten times bigger than the secret bio-weapon. M. C. Escher would be coming in his grave right now.

Luckily, Gendo had built in a self-propelling wheelchair device into the robot so Ruby could still move around with the rest of the group, even if she couldn't pull off those cool moves like she used to. I made sure to keep my distance this time in case the onboard AI decided it was okay to disobey the basic laws of robotics.

"So what is this place?" Ruby asked.

"Yeah," said Luigi, "this place smells kinda funny."

"Very well, my good friends," began Gwonam, "what you see here is one of Vale's premier sugar production facilities! As you well know, sugar is made from the smoke that is produced when you set dead people on _fire,_ which is then condensed and crystallized into that most delectable commodity that we all know and love!"

"Well it's a good thing that we don't eat that many sweets," remarked Mario, "eh Luigi?"

"Indeed!" continued Gwonam. "For as the fifth and most important element of the Periodic Table, we could never do without it, or else we would all go mad with despair!"

Arslan raised his finger. "But I thought…"

"Silence you nincompoop! This is one of the most sacred of sacred truths as revealed by the great Montezuma! To speak against it would be dishonor the greatness that is Shrek, not to mention willful ignorance!"

I stood over by the fence as the rest of the group talked by themselves. My fingers were getting a bit bent out of shape after having to type everything I wanted to say on my newly acquired tablet. Not like I had much to say anyway.

Either way, Gwonam seemed to have recovered quite quickly after learning that The King was dead. I guess that comes with being a professional quickscoper, not to mention the former leader of FaZe Clan. You can't really afford to feel for your dead comrades when you're always on the job. One moment of hesitation, and - BAM! - you're dead. Life must be tough for a professional gamer, especially now that people have started taking their grievances out on the streets instead of keeping things in the chatroom.

"So," said Daryun, "what are we doing here anyway?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Weiss replied back. "We take control of the sugar supply, people will start fighting for us."

"Indeed," said the purple-robed vizier, "for it is written that whoever controls the spice, controls the universe."

"Sorta like how crack works. Besides, the city's main power plants and Dust refineries are just down the street."

"Uh, Mario," said Luigi, "are you sure we're supposed to be the good guys?" Mario simply shrugged.

"If it is of any consolation to you, I would also like to mention that this facility has an inbuilt subway system, which will…"

"Subway?" Luigi responded, "Oh boy, do I love me some sandwiches!"

"You can count us in," said Mario.

"Good, now does anyone else have any further objections?" Almost everyone else stood silent, and most of our goons were too busy admiring the scenery to know what was going on. "Excellent, then let us head on in!"

The nine of us then headed straight on in, bringing along the rest of the squad with to act as backup. In spite of anyone who might think otherwise, the place didn't have any sort of gate or door to separate the main lobby from the outside world. Kinda strange if you ask me, but then again, given the size of this place, there didn't seem to be many good spots to no-scope people from across the map.

The inside of the place was lined with nothing but green walls and green floors, with a soft, jazzy elevator tune ringing throughout. A hall veering off to the west side looked like it went off to one of the main processing facilities, and there was a stairway off to the right going down into what was assumed to be the subway system. I couldn't say for sure because everything looked like it had been written in French.

Sitting behind a long desk at the far end of the lobby was the main receptionist, looking at us with a blank look on his face. He looked like your average white collar worker: bald, big ears, white shirt, necktie and all. But here's the thing, he was all black and white, with no distinct coloration at all. Even his tie was black. I often say how this city is nothing but a bunch of black, gray, white, and darker shades of gray, but usually you can tell when stuff is meant to be different color. This guy was straight up lifeless monochrome.

The guy backed up in his swivel chair as he saw us approach, and then let out an airy, wheezy moan as he spoke, "W-w-why hello there! The boss d-didn't mention that there would be any guests today. Uh… h-how may I be of assistance?"

Weiss stepped forward before I was able to type something out, "As a matter of fact, we would like to arrange a meeting with your so-called 'Boss.' Would you be willing to direct us to his office?"

The man then stood up, letting out another nervous wheeze, "B-but no one is allowed to see the boss! Nobody's even allowed to know his name! I-I cannot permit it!"

"Should we threaten him?" Frollo suggested.

"What? No!" Arslan briefly stepped to block Frollo's advance, but then stepped to the receptionist's desk himself. "Listen, why don't you just tell us where to find him or give us his number? We just want to talk to him, that's all."

"B-But I cannot allow you to do that!"

I was half wondering why we just didn't take over the whole joint by force, but then I realized that we probably didn't have enough manpower to run this whole place. If we could get some of the locals to cooperate, it would make our job a whole lot easier.

"Well, is there any way to arrange an appointment or something? We don't want to cause too much of a fuss but…"

"It's no use, Arslan," Ruby interjected, "he's probably being bribed by one of Nora's evil henchmen."

"Yeah," said one of the White Fang goons nearby, "why don't we just stick to the original plan and knock him out?"

I turned to Weiss to see if she would give me the thumbs up. She did, and so I began circling around so I could knock him cold. Personally, I would've preferred to yank his tongue out and let his intestines spill out all over the floor, but that's just me. Damn wheezing is starting to get on my nerves.

Weiss motioned for Gwonam to restrain the Crown Prince, and then raised her arm for the mooks in back. "Listen here, you dolt, we have just traveled all the way across the continent with a contingent of White Fang militants, former Al Qaeda terrorists, and U.S. Navy Seals. I personally had to deal with a rogue Indian Jedi Master Chief who had just pissed off half the universe, and quite frankly, I don't want to deal with your bullshit! We have a mission to take care of, so why don't you just step aside and go on with whatever the fuck it is that you were doing."

"B-but… I can't let you do that," said the monochrome man. "If I let you pass, th-then I'll get fired. I don't want to lose my job! What will I do then? What am I supposed to do if I'm no longer allowed to work everyday and there's nobody to tell me what to do? You must… I cannot let you… _ERAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!"_

Before I could properly get into position, the man's head exploded like firecracker on the Fourth of July, and an endless plume of smoke shot up straight to the ceiling. His body began to lift straight off the ground as well, like that one scene from _The Exorcist_.

"He's gone rogue!" said one of the troops behind us.

"Stand your ground! Prepare to engage!"

As all of the mooks got into defensive positions, Frollo calmly walked up to the floating, abominable husk and drew out his Valyrian sword. "Master, allow me to purify this menace with the fire of my sword."

"Whatever works."

The moment Weiss gave the word, Judge Frollo slashed his fiery sword through the monster's chest, which turned the man-turned-abomination into nothing but a smoldering pile of ash.

"That was easy," Ruby remarked. "So now which way do we go?"

"I believe we'll find the CEO's office in one of the other buildings." Gwonam pointed down the stairwell sitting on the room's east side. "Come everyone! Why don't we make use of the factory's in-built subway system!"

"Remind me why this place has a subway system again?" remarked the Judge.

"Eh, don't ask too many questions about this place," said Mario.

"Everyone knows nothing makes sense in this world anyway," Luigi added, "I don't think anyone but the author has any idea where half the people in this story come from anyhow."

The Judge winced at Luigi's words, "I'm sorry, what did you just say?"

"Eh, don't worry about it," said Mario.

"Say, do you guys want some of us to stay behind and protect the mech?" asked one of the goons behind us, specifically a former Al Qaeda terrorist.

"Oh right!" said Ruby. "Arslan, why don't you and Daryun stay behind in case one of Nora's henchmen show up?

"But," Arslan objected, "wouldn't you…"

"I think it is a splendid idea, my Donkey friend!" replied Gwonam.

"Alright," sighed Arslan as he hand his bodyguard headed back out the door.

"Now let us begin our merry adventure! _Squadalah!"_

As the genie descended down the steps on his magic carpet, the rest of us followed after him, with Weiss leading the vanguard. But she only took a few steps before remembering her partner's current condition.

"Goddammit…"

"No worries Weiss!"

With her non-mechanical arm, Ruby flipped a switch built into one of the armrests, which caused a set of Dust-powered thrusters to emerge from the underside and back of her wheelchair. Another pair of thrusters emerged from the wheels themselves, and with all this fancy machinery, Ruby was able to float down with safety and ease.

"See? Now I'm like Dr. Eggman!"

"Doesn't Bowser use something similar?" asked Luigi.

"Who knows?" his brother replied. "Anyway, I could really go for some sandwiches right now!"

"Me too, Mario! Me too!"

* * *

"This joint blows, Mario! Why the fuck don't they have any fucking sandwiches? I'm so fucking hungry right now!"

"I know right? There should at least be a goddamn cafeteria somewhere."

Weiss briefly turned around to address the duo's complaints. "Look guys, I'm sure we can find a restaurant as soon as we get out of here, but until then, could you _PLEASE QUIET DOWN SO WE CAN FIND THE DAMN BOSS'S OFFICE?"_

"Sorry!" the two brothers replied.

Truth be told, we've been looking all over this place for at least an hour or so, not to mention that we were held up because some dumb schmuck thought it was a good idea to walk around on the train tracks at night. I took care of him, though.

The whole place was haunted too. Every few steps we walked we ran into a bunch of ghosts who thought it was a good idea to untie our shoelaces for shits and giggles. That was before they met me, of course.

By the time we found the guy's place, we had to have walked at least two miles. The hall leading up to it was covered in pamphlets and sign posters advertising the latest Shrek movies and political candidates. The guy's place was deep underground, and I mean deep.

We then had to walk across a long and convoluted maze of criss-crossing paths over a pit of something. It was like one of those lava pits King Koopa used to make, except I don't know what the hell was put into them. Quite frankly, I don't want to know.

But eventually we found ourselves right at the CEO's front door and walked right in. Let's just say there's a reason he's called the Big Boss.

"Oh, oh my…" said Gwonam.

 _"HOLY SHIT!"_ shouted Ruby, _"IT'S FAAAAAT JACK!"_

We all stood in awe of the man's immense girth as watched us from behind his desk like one hungry, hungry hippo. The man had to be at least thirty or forty feet high, and his body was shaped like a fully inflated balloon. He was dressed like most of the other employees here, and he was bald like them as well. Yet even though he maintained an otherwise congenial composure, the way he barred his teeth at us resembled that of an angry baboon or dog. Without bringing in some heavy ordinance, we probably wouldn't last for very long.

In spite of his apparent confusion, the man maintained his unblinking, hungry stare, "In spite of whatever fleeting resemblances I may have with this individual, I am not this 'Fat Jack' of whom you speak. Perhaps your keen eyes might have neglected this, but I do not have a beard, artificial or otherwise.

"My name is Enoch, and I am the Guardian of this Zone. At least, I used to be, until it got merged with the rest of this patchwork mess of a universe."

It's been a long time since I've heard that word. Back in the days long before the Cataclysm…

"I am not a Guardian in the sense that I have magical powers related to one of the four seasons; rather, my presence was necessary in maintaining the integrity of Zone 3 prior to the merger, or 'Cataclysm' as you may call it. My presence is no longer necessary for sustaining this zone, though I maintain sole jurisdiction over it, even if the city government might dictate otherwise.

The man let out a deep chuckle. "Now, it has been a while since I have had guests. We've had to increase security after an incident a few years back, but your interests do not seem to be otherwise mutually exclusive to the integrity of my enterprise. Would any of you like some cake?"

"The cake is a…"

 _ **-SLAP!-**_

"Ow!" Ruby cried out, "Weiss, what did you do that for?"

"Nobody gives a dusting crap about that stupid meme anymore! Ahem!" Weiss took a few steps toward the giant man, "Look, we were just looking to see if you would be willing to help us out, okay? We're just trying to…"

"I believe your initial plan was to take over this company for yourselves, is that not correct?"

Weiss stood speechless. Even I was starting to get the feeling we had gone in too deep over our heads. How the hell did he get into my own private thoughts, which I only keep track off so I can make super-cool private-eye detective monologues like this? And this? Fuck, I think I'm starting to lose my own jam.

"I have seen the full extent of your forces through my security footage, and I know you lack the resources and manpower to pull off such an operation. But perhaps we can come to an agreement on things."

As the fat man began to pull out some papers from his drawers, we all looked at each other in apprehension, except for Gwonam and Frollo, who kept their eyes fixed forward.

"Like, what do you mean?" said Ruby.

"I shall supply with you with the sugar you need to fund your military operation. In spite of whatever initial grievances might have existed between us, our aims are quite aligned. You wish to dethrone Nora Valkyrie and by extension remove her stranglehold on the city. I, on the other hand, merely wish to expand my own business, but the current political climate has made that quite difficult."

"So," said Frollo, "what do you ask for in return?"

"Simple cooperation. As things currently stand, I'm a bit short on manpower myself, due to the frequent gang wars that come by this district and Miss Valkyrie's aggressive recruitment drives. I supply you with the materiel you need, you provide me with some of your men and machinery so I can keep this company operational. Your men have a rather unfortunate tendency to die whenever they face anyone who can actually hold their own in battle; I figure a little bit of hard labor might be good for them in the long run. Besides, I do think it would be nice if we had someone on the inside once we're done dealing with Nora and her unruly henchmen. Do we have a deal?"

"I dunno guys," said Luigi. "What do you guys think?"

"As long as there isn't any shady stuff where we have to pay huge fines or become slaves ourselves," Ruby said, "I'm fine with it."

"Pardon me," said Frollo to his master, "but do you really think the troops themselves will agree to this?"

"We can arrange the specifics of the labor contract with the troops themselves when we get to writing it," said Enoch. "I only ask for initial permission so I may begin typing out the initial terms; we can hammer out the specifics once we get around to actually signing the agreement."

"So we can negotiate this later is what you're saying?" Weiss responded.

"Correct."

"Alright, I don't see how this hurts us. You've got yourself a deal, for now."

"Good, I shall begin writing up the terms at once. If it is of any interest to you, there is an abandoned warehouse and coal plant a few blocks west you can use for storing most of your military hardware, including that mech of yours. Furthermore, you'll also find a couple of good Italian joints down Pinecone Street, as I know it is well past lunchtime."

Mario instantly lit up at the giant's remark. "Did he just say there was food?"

"Well," said Luigi, "I know where I'm headed."

Now that we finally had a means to relieve our upset stomachs, we all started filing out of the room like a bundle of hot cakes.

For a moment, Ruby swiveled around in her wheelchair and turned back to face Enoch, "Thanks, for the help, Mr. Fat Jack!"

Even as we continued on down the long, serpentine walkway, I could still see that giant of a man watching us leave with that unnerving grin on his face.

I'm starting to wonder if we had just sold our own souls for this.

* * *

 **A/N: I'm not 100% sure whether this chapter was necessary or not in the overall context of the story. After that abrupt ending to the last chapter, I felt like I needed to show Weiss's faction consolidating itself within the city before moving on to the second phase of the Vale Assault. I kinda feel like this chapter might be a bit fillery. Also, more crossover stuff (even though story is already over-saturated with this crap)!**

 **I was thinking of including "Bernie" in the previous battle, but ultimately didn't have room/time to include her. If the term "Nipah" means anything to you, you'll probably know who she is.**

 **Anyway, now that we've found a good pause in the action for Weiss's faction, we'll probably be seeing some stuff from the Malachite sisters, since we haven't really seen stuff on their end for a while. Maybe some other stuff too.**

 **Anyway, I hope y'all are still enjoying this! Be sure to stay tuned for the next upcoming chapters, cause pretty soon we're going to see more plot-stuff kick into gear!**


	29. A King's Ransom

At first, there was nothing but darkness, but then the light came over her like a calming breeze.

 _R'hllor._

Her arms and legs were restrained by reinforced chains, and a metal enclosure kept the rest of her body bolted to the back wall. Three pairs of well positioned turrets watched her every move, yet she had no intention of escaping without her lord's permission.

Cinder Fall couldn't quite remember how they had all been captured. They had taken refuge in a village over by the swamps near Disney World as they made their way towards Skyrim, but everything after that came up as a blank.

Had she seen something in those disease-ridden swamplands?

No, it was more likely the case that some band of hooligans had kidnapped them in hopes of securing a king's ransom.

But even so, she could still feel that lingering sense of desire.

 _No, I am merely a vessel to serve R'hllor's will. Desires of the mortal flesh mean nothing to me._

The cell doors opened to reveal a pair of bald men escorted by a small contingent of masked guards. The one on the left had an elaborate breathing mask covering most of his face and wore a fur-lined leather coat. The other man, sporting a rather sinister mustache-goatee combination, seemed to be dressed in purplish-black ceremonial garb.

The gift the Lord of Light had granted her was probably strong enough to melt through the chains and allow her to eliminate these fools, but it would likely leave her open to machine gun fire. Better to act when her captors weren't watching.

"Rise and shine, Miss Fall!" In spite of his somewhat imposing appearance, the masked man had a voice that resembled the cries of a walrus in mating season. This observation amused her in a way.

"Can we get on with this already?" There was no point in delaying things any further.

"Oh come now! Don't think of this as an interrogation! Think of this more as a friendly get-together of sorts!"

"You have me in chains."

"Well, we couldn't take the chance that you'd burn us all to death and take over our organization, now can we? You have quite a reputation, Miss Fall."

The other man stepped forward to speak, "If it is of any consolation to you, we have already released Lord Stannis and the senile old man from captivity. We just couldn't think of any other way to speak with you without suffering any undue losses."

"I am merely a servant to the Lord of Light. Why would you two seek someone so lowly as I?" Indeed, aside from this fact and her status as Stannis's court mage, she could not understand why anyone would seek her services in particular.

"Ha!" said the masked man, "Do you really believe in such tomfoolery?"

Cinder couldn't quite understand why anyone would find her beliefs particularly strange. That R'hllor had shaped the world of Remnant and purged the world of Grrm with his all encompassing light was undeniable fact.

Why would anyone ever doubt his all-knowing wisdom?

The man with the goatee turned to his companion and whispered, "It is much worse than we ever could have imagined."

"I agree," said the masked man. "You have it right?"

The unmasked man reached deep into his robes and pulled out what appeared to be an old photograph.

"Does this ring any bells for you?"

Even though she was mostly restrained, Cinder leaned in to take a closer look at the photo.

"Wha… What is this?"

It was a picture she had taken of Qrow Branwen, back when he was still teaching at Signal.

She remembered when she had first met him, back when she had taken refuge in a small village to help expand her base of operations. He was just another hunter on a mission, wandering through the vast Grrm-infested wilderness.

And yet, he was so ruggedly handsome.

How she would have enjoyed to have him by her side for the rest of her merry existence.

How she would have enjoyed to have watched as he cowered before her, begging her for utter mercy as she tore deep into his skin.

Oh yes, he was quite the fighter alright. He was able to escape from her binds when she had him just where she wanted him. But in the end, he ran away after their first night of fun. They met again on the battlefield sometime later, back when she had taken the powers of the Fall Maiden as her own, and even then he was such a deliciously sweet fool.

Cinder _desired_ him.

Everywhere he went, she would always be close at hand, watching his every move with the eyes of a hawk. Cinder always got what she wanted, and Qrow Branwen was no different in that regard. Part of the reason she had stolen the Fall Maiden's powers was so she could overpower Qrow's manly physique.

And yet even so, why did he deny the feelings he had for her?

And then there was Roman.

Cinder half remembered when his young, handsome body washed up on Vale's shoreline one day, wearing the same white suit he still wears today. She didn't know where he came from, or what his actual name even was, but she decided to call him Roman all the same.

 _Roman Torchwick,_ it seemed oddly appropriate.

When she had first introduced him to Vale, he didn't seem to remember much about his past, but he was still a pretty smart cookie all the same. She even helped Roman become the criminal mastermind he was today, though it was unlikely he would ever acknowledge that fact.

Spunky, handsome, smart, in many ways, he was like Qrow.

She thought she could fill the void in her heart with Roman's presence. It was invigorating for a time, but his youthful energy could never satisfy her deepest, innermost desires.

She wanted to watch as Shrek tore through Qrow's tight bum with his massive, ogre-sized cock.

It was nothing more than innocent, harmless play, yet why did he reject her all the same?

 _Shrek._

How could she have ever forgotten his sacred, onion-flavored goodness?

Before, she had been nothing more than a lowly Beacon attendant with nothing to her name, but ever since she had found Shrek lying in his blue, time-traveling, police phone booth, her life had changed forever.

It was Shrek who had suggested she take residence in that dank swamp village long ago. Were it not for the Ogrelord, she would have never found true love.

Times were always fun when Shrek was around.

And yet, all that had been taken away, all thanks to the Fairy Godmother and her minions.

Why had that foul witch taken away what could have been true happiness on Remnant?

Why did she have to take Shrek away from her?

Long after her two captors had taken the photograph away from her, everything was slowly coming back to her.

"She seems to be remembering…" Cinder heard the goateed man say.

"I concur, Kane."

A short, blue-haired, cat-tailed girl in a blue, black, and white dress materialized in the cell, floating just a few inches off the ground. She had with her a heavy black duffel bag, which she threw to the mask-equipped captor.

The masked man zipped open the bag and shuffled through its rubber-bound bundles of Lien. "I see you have returned, Miss Bernkastel. Is Illya not with you?"

"Killed in action," the girl stated matter-of-factly. "We ran into Weiss Schnee's contingent while raiding the city and lost some of our assets. A few of our other members are also dead, Heavy, Hansel, Gretel, nothing we can't recover from."

"Why don't you relay that information over to General Swain?" said Kane. "See if our Turkish allies are willing to lend us any more support."

"Certainly."

And with that statement, the cat-tailed girl disappeared in a whoosh of disintegrating dust.

Cinder turned back towards her captors, "Who are you people?"

The masked man stepped forward. "The League of Shadows. The Brotherhood of Nod. Call us whatever you like, but our goal remains the same."

"For too long," said the other man, "the top point-zero-one percent of the top one percent made more money than the bottom sixty-nine percent! Now the time has come for a worldwide revolution, when people from all across Remnant will converge upon Vale and the Iron Throne and take back what has long been denied us!"

"Do not believe whatever lies you may have heard about Weiss being the chosen one. We are the ones who will bring about Vale's Great Shrekoning."

"But we do not make empty promises, Miss Fall. What we need is for people to come together and become martyrs for our sacred and righteous cause. And then, once we have solidified our strength, we shall head north, far beyond the lands of Skyrim, Disney World, and Sparta, and act as catalysts to the spread of Tiberium, a signal to believers all over the world that the time has come! And once this world has become engulfed in Tiberium's holy embrace, then there will be no denying that the Great Shrekoning has finally arrived!

"Because, like the great Ogrelord himself, Tiberium is also green."

Cinder looked at her two captors with a slight sense of bewilderment, but deep in her heart, she too knew that the time of the Great Shrekoning was close at hand.

And yet, what if Shrek didn't come when the people most needed him?

Maybe these two men knew what they were doing. Maybe they could help return order and happiness to this world.

Yet, did either of them truly recognize the full extent of the Fairy Godmother's magical powers?

"So," said Cinder, "you want my help. What exactly do you want me to do?"

"Everything will be explained when the time is right," Kane responded. "But for now, you must come with us."

He then motioned for his compatriot to help undo Cinder's restraints.

Cinder looked down upon the masked man. "I don't think I ever quite got your name."

"They call me Bane," the man responded.

"It seems you are now free from the effects of the Fairy Godmother's love potion."

"I… remember some things." She still had a hard time believing she had actually fallen for some obscure light god.

"But other things remain unclear. It will take some time, but soon you shall achieve true enlightenment."

As the two of them began working at the chains, the prophet leaned in close and whispered, "Remember who you are, Princess Fiona."

* * *

"Come in Tiger-1, do you read me?"

"Stop with the damn formalities, Monarch. It's not like the enemy can hear us anyway."

"Ugh, look it's not 'Monarch,' it's 'The Monarch.' Get your titles straight. Anyway, we've got a few blips coming in from the south and northeast."

"Not my problem."

"Cooperative as usual aren't we?"

"The fight's here, ain't it? Besides, you don't even have the authorization to give me orders."

In spite of his minions giving him a few queer glances, The Monarch brought up his phone up close, "Okay look, aside from those experimentals, Ironwood's got this thing under control, okay? We've got a bunch of ragtag rookies headed straight for headquarters and nobody's doing jack shit about it! That sounds like setup to getting our asses creamed if you asked me!"

"Scared?"

"Hey, you think I've been in the supervillain business for this long without knowing what the fuck I'm talking about? I've seen this kind of shit go down before, and it's gonna get out of hand if we don't do something about it! I can't do anything about it because my laser is one of the only things keeping these ships at bay!"

"And you think I'm not pulling up the slack?"

"What, you think I'm blind? You're fucking crazy! You keep up pulling all those crazy aerial maneuvers with that giant robot of yours and sooner or later you're gonna drown! You'd probably be better off guarding some other joint!" The Monarch heard an audible growl come out from the other side. "Besides, I think some of those rookies brought in one of those fancy robot-mecha-Shreks of their own."

There was a pause before The Monarch heard the other man's response. "On it."

The line hung up on the other end.

"Finally!"

Malcolm reclined back in his seat. In spite of being right in the middle of a warzone, the Cocoon had maintained most of its structural integrity throughout the fight, thanks to General Ironwood's screen of gunships and well-positioned artillery. He only wished that pretty-boy Prince Charming would help with clearing out the Fire Nation fleet, but instead he was too focused on taking down the enemy flagship.

Most of the Fire Nation ships were practically made out of cardboard, for all the good their armor did them. Not to mention, their anti-air was practically shit, and none of their missiles had homing capability. But there were thousands of them; Vale could only hold against them for so long.

The experimentals, on the other hand, were an entirely different matter. They looked like some sort of hodge-podge flotilla of Japanese warships leftover from World War II that a bunch of military geeks decided to pimp out with space-age technology and neon lights. Nobody had any idea what to fucking call them, so everyone just settled with the term "experimentals."

But in spite of their weebish appearance, they were proving disturbingly effective.

Almost all of them were equipped with energy shields, which made most conventional weapons useless, and what were effectively antimatter warheads. With homing capabilities. And they had what were the equivalent of death lasers, even though they couldn't use the damn things without turning the entire ship around and doing some sort of transformation sequence, which Malcolm saw as impractical.

Stranger still was the fact that nobody seemed to be working on the ships' decks except for a few people dressing up as shitty anime characters, which was even more bad news.

It was clear that they were supposed to be some sort of Zero-Wing-type project, which didn't seem all that unrealistic considering the Fire Nation had Dr. Eggman in its employ. Vale had lost almost the entire south coast thanks to them, though Meen's division was managing to keep Fire nation Troops from establishing a foothold on the beach. Currently the best solution was to avoid them if at all possible, though The Monarch had a plan to hopefully capture one of these vessels so the engineering team could examine them and integrate their tech into Vale's weaponry.

Malcolm leaned forward and pressed a button for the comm team, "Get me a line to 21."

While waiting for the team to patch a signal to his most experienced henchman, The Monarch reclined in his seat once more.

He still had no idea why he was still with this gig. Somehow this had turned from being part of a supervillain's alliance into becoming what was effectively Vale's defense forces.

One of the main reasons he had joined this whole operation was because that Winter girl had mentioned that Rusty Venture was part of the heroes team they were fighting against, but so far they haven't allowed him to do shit. Maybe if this whole thing was headed by Ironwood or that Swain guy everything would go over a lot more smoothly, especially when they were less likely to let some dumb bimbo get his henchmen killed by the functional equivalent of Brock Samson.

Maybe he should just defect or something.

The call broke him out of his train of thought, "Boss, you called?"

"Right, how goes the assault?"

"Done and done. We've taken full effective control of the ship, though we're still trying to figure out how to pilot the damn thing."

"Can't you just interrogate whoever is sailing it?"

"We're… working on that. It looks like this ship is controlled by some sort of AI program."

"Right…" The Monarch had specifically organized a group of hacking and electrical experts to accompany the assault team in case the ship was automated or controlled remotely. "So what's the big hold up then?"

"I dunno. Like, this whole thing looks like its made out of alien tech. We've got crews up topside trying to run communications and extract the missiles manually, but when it comes to jacking into the ship's controls, none of our shit works with this thing's hardware. All we've got is this stupid talking teddy-bear for explaining how all this shit works."

The Monarch thought he heard muffled screams somewhere in the background. "I'm sorry, 21, what was that last part?"

"One second, boss." As his henchman held up the line, the butterfly-themed supervillain heard the crackling spark of a handheld taser. "Right, we found this blonde kid and this talking teddy bear while searching through the lower decks. The kid's got some strange powers, so we had to take her down before we could get anything out of her. We think they're both connected to the ship somehow, but until we start getting some answers, we're kinda in the dark about this."

The Monarch heard a loud boom through the phone.

"Shit, something's happening up top. Gotta go!"

The call ended right then.

"Great, just what we needed." The Monarch stood up from his throne and addressed the henchmen working the Cocoon's controls. "Alright, listen up minions! Squad Delta needs support. Set our course to 10 o'clock. Set engines to half-power."

They would proceed cautiously, providing covering fire should his men on the ground need it.

He just hoped the Cocoon wouldn't suffer too much damage.

* * *

"…and when I clicked that button, my computer screen was filled with nothing but tiny, pixelated penises. I could do nothing but stand in horror, for at that very moment I had realized just how much of a sadistic asshole my dad really was.

"So I went into my dad's room while he was masturbating to pictures of naked ladies. I had to make him pay for making me play a game about showering with your own dads, which is not appropriate for small children. I punched him right in the jawline, catching him completely off guard. But that wasn't enough to take him down.

"For the next three hours, I fought my very hardest as my dad tried to pummel me with all his special attacks and fancy assassination techniques. It was the most epic battle you could ever imagine. My dad was a lot stronger than I was back then, but I managed to strike at nearly all his pressure points, and he was starting to get exhausted because he hadn't exercised in weeks. So when I was about to land my final kick, my dad grabbed a hold of my sexy legs. When he tensed his muscles, his shirt ripped into a million pieces, revealing the bomb he had strapped to his chest. It wasn't until then that I realized that my dad was a member of ISIS, which made him a terrorist. I do not want to repeat what he said back then, because he said some really bad words.

"He blew up the whole house along with my legs. I was in a whole lot of pain and all of the blood was running out of my exposed thigh muscles. It was very cold outside because I didn't have my blanket with me, and the house was on fire. But at least my dad was dead, and that was a good thing because he was one of the bad guys.

"It was at that very moment that Shrek came before me in all of his onion-basked goodness. Never before in my whole life had I seen an ogre so handsome as he was.

"He lifted me up with his powerful ogre hands, patched me up, and gave me a new set of robotic legs. He then introduced me to Cinder Fall and Emerald. For the first time in my life, I had finally found people who I could call friends, and now that I was working under Cinder's protection, the cops wouldn't be able to find me after I had murdered my dad.

"And that is the story of how I became a Robocop. If either of you two ever decide to have children, then you must never give your children a game about showering with your own dads, because it will scar them for the rest of their lives and make them try to murder you in your sleep."

As soon as Mercury was done sharing his life's story, Miltiades stood up and applauded. "Wow, Merc, I never knew that your childhood was so interesting. To think your dad was actually a member of ISIS."

Melanie rolled her eyes at the whole affair. Honestly, she just wanted to get done with these sermons so she could get back to training or fishing through the library. They were making some progress, thanks to Ozpin's rigorous exercises, but they still haven't discovered their semblances yet. Aside from that, there wasn't really that much to do around here.

Mel wished Ozpin or someone else would send them on a mission already. Anything would beat having to listen to more of their stupid ramblings about Shrek.

Besides, they probably weren't even right on the whole prophesy thing. Using one of the old computers in Beacon's library, she had been able to ask around for more details about this "Great Shrekoning" that was about to occur. The problem was that nobody seemed to agree on just what would happen when the Great Shrekoning did come about. Some people said it would bring peace on Remnant, others thought it would bring about another apocalypse like the Cataclysm from six years ago.

Who the chosen one was also varied according to one's individual perspective, but the most likely candidates seemed to be Chuckie Chan, Pyrrha Nikos, some Bernie chick, Stannis Baratheon, Roman Torchwick, Weiss Schnee, Nora Valkyrie, Link, Princess Fiona, Han Solo, and Gwonam, all of whom had compelling reasons why they could be the Chosen One.

Furthermore, the exact details of the prophesy itself were vague. Several people reported having similar encounters with the "Ogrelord" to those Ozpin and the others had experienced, and yet while the individuals involved remained the same, the order in which things happened varied significantly. Melanie couldn't find any information on the Fairy Godmother or Lord Farquaad either.

 _Why am I even looking into this stupid prophesy anyway?_

Mel looked off into space as her sister continued conversing with Mercury. She couldn't understand why, but Miltia was somehow buying into all of this crap.

 _Maybe I should just leave._

Mercury and Russel had saved them, that was true, but Melanie's tolerance of their endless drivel was starting to run dry. She could try seeing if Bowser would want to tag along, but then again, he was still recovering from his injuries.

It was at that moment Ozpin entered the room.

"Greetings, Malachite sisters. I see you two are doing quite well."

Miltia jumped from her seat. "Yeah, Professor Ozpin! Are you going to teach us how to use our semblances today?"

"Not right now, but I have a very important mission for you two to take care of."

"A mission, huh?" Mel stood up. "So, what do we have to do?"

Ozpin adjusted his spectacles. "An excellent question, wise pupil. As you well know, Weiss and her friends have begun their attack on the city."

"Huh," said Melanie, "when did this happen?" Even though most of Vale's communication systems were jammed, she was surprised she hadn't heard about this development until now.

"Just today. However, if the situation proceeds as is, Weiss will not have enough firepower to assault Nora's castle when the time comes to take it. That is why the two of you must go north."

At the very least, this seemed like a good opportunity to get out of this dumphole. "Alright, go on."

"The two of you must head straight for Skyrim and take the Egg Carrier from Red Spy." Professor Ozpin pulled out a greasy, crumpled-up sheet of paper from his swimming trunks and handed it off to Miltia. "Once you are out in the field, the two of you will meet with one of our field agents, Flynt Coal, who will help you secure a flying machine for your mission."

Mel looked over her sister's shoulder to get a good look at the map. "Sounds easy enough." Though, to be honest, attacking something like the Egg Carrier would probably require a lot more manpower than what they currently had.

"Russel Thrush will also be tagging along with you."

"Great," Melanie whispered under her breath.

"Wait, but what about Bowser? And shouldn't we be getting some sort of Heroic Spirit or fancy battle mech if we're gonna be going on this mission."

"Flynt Coal will provide you with whatever you might need when you reach the rendezvous point. Bowser will be staying with us for the time being."

"Well isn't that great Mel? We've finally got ourselves a mission!" Melanie was already starting to make her way towards the exit. "By the way, where is Russel anyway?"

"Securing the Bullhead as we speak. He will be here within the hour."

 _Good riddance. Let's just get the hell out of here already._

As Melanie heard her sisters footstep's behind her, she also heard Ozpin's voice echo throughout the tunnels as they made their way back to the surface. "Good luck, and may the Ogrelord's blessing be with you."

* * *

King Bowser looked out into the vast Emerald Forest from atop Beacon's cliffs. He had watched as the three youngsters took off on their fancy hovercraft. Perhaps if he wasn't still injured, he could have went along with them.

 _Maybe I'm getting too old for this kinda crap._

Even in spite of his inherently evil nature, he could still appreciate the serene beauty of the landscape, with the darkened clouds hanging above and a gentle breeze brushing up leaves from the woods below. Far out in the distance, he could see traces of sunlight, even though the sun never shined upon Vale.

The times had done quite a number on him. With every day that passed, Bowser felt increasingly irrelevant in the overall scheme of things. New villains, new heroes, and now this Shrek guy was the new latest thing. Bowser wished he could go back into the past, back when things were normal, but times were ever changing. All he could do was try to adapt, but there was only so much he could do as a classic villain.

 _Maybe one day, I can make America great again._

But it was a long, forlorn hope. The times were done with him. The last battle with the genie man showed that. Kammy was dead and so was Princess Peach. He had kidnapped some other lame princess, but that was only one victory out of so many losses. There was no hope for him now. He could never turn back the clock to when the world was much simpler.

 _Maybe I should just quit, try to start up go-karting again._

Light footsteps coming from behind interrupted his self-wallowing.

Bowser turned his head towards the noise. "Whaddya want?"

A mild gust came over him as he examined the blond-haired boy a hundred feet before him. Lacking a full suit of armor, the kid looked like a young knight in training, even though he was probably in his early twenties. He was probably one of those Academy students, though Bowser didn't remember seeing him while wandering through Beacon's halls. Though, there seemed to be something off about him, judging by the blank look in his eyes and his unusually pale skin.

"What, ya never seen a full-grown dragon before?"

The kid did not respond, but instead stood where he was, his legs bent in a rather awkward pose.

"Damn freak…"

" _Kuhuhuhuhuhu…_ Oh, what a pleasant surprise it is to find you here, King Bowser! _Kuhuhuhuhu…"_

The Koopa King jumped up from where he was and darted his eyes around the immediate vicinity. "Wha… Who goes there?"

Moments later, Bowser heard a strange whooshing sound. When he turned around to look, he saw Pyrrha Nikos and some dark-robed elf wizard standing before him. Or, at least she looked like Pyrrha Nikos, but her eyes were blue instead of green. Besides, what would the Princess of Sparta be doing here of all places?

Besides, she had that leery, demented grin on her face, which made her look more like some sort of child molester instead of an actual princess. The cloaked elf lady had a similar grin on her face, though it was much more subtle and subdued.

"You two part of the IRS?" Considering what these new villains were supposed to be like, taking them on in a straight-up fight probably wasn't the safest option.

"Perhaps we should try restraining him…" suggested the elf lady.

"That won't be necessary, my dear Servant. I'm sure our Koopa friend here is willing to listen to reason. My methods are quite persuasive after all…"

Bowser couldn't help but wonder if he had accidentally walked into a bondage club. "Okay, enough of this, who the hell are you people anyway?"

The lady disguised as Pyrrha reached up and removed her wig, revealing a tightly braided blonde bundle that closely resembled that of Saber. Though, it was clear that the individual in question was not Saber, otherwise the media would be all over that.

" _BEHOLD FOOLISH MORTAL, FOR I AM THE ENDLESS WITCH, BEATRICE! UAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

Bowser watched in utter bafflement as this so-called "Witch" began ascending up into the air. "You don't even look like a witch."

" _YOU DARE TO QUESTION MY INFINITE MAGICAL POWERS? CASTER, EXECUTE HIM!"_

As the elf wizard began channeling beams of purplish energy, it had finally dawned upon Bowser what a horrendously stupid mistake he had just made.

 _"Shit…"_

* * *

Sometime later, Bowser awoke in a brightly-lit, walled off room restrained to the seat underneath him. In spite of his own brute strength, the restraints around his arms and legs wouldn't budge, probably because of magic or something.

 _How the hell am I still alive after all that?_

Regardless, he was somehow still alive, though whatever nefarious purpose his captors wanted him for probably wouldn't be good for his overall well-being.

A few seconds later, a smiling yellow flower sprouted up from the flowerpot beside him. "Howdy there! Looks like you've finally woken up!"

Bowser instinctively growled at the talking plant. He had seen flowers talk before, but this thing wasn't one of those Crazee Dayzees. Something about the plant reminded him of one of those trolls from 4chan.

He knew nothing good could come from this.

"All you needed was a little bit of LOVE! Now, why don't you try some…"

Before the flower could finish its sentence, the door at the far end of the cell opened up.

"Master…"

Now that Bowser saw her waving her magic wand before his very eyes, there was no denying who she really was.

From his hunched-over position, Bowser looked up at his captor. "So you're the one they call the Fairy Godmother."

"Perhaps you could say that is true. Indeed, it is within my power to grant people whatever wishes they may desire. You seem to be quite down on your luck lately, perhaps I could grant your wishes as well." The Fairy Godmother leered at Bowser with that all too sinister grin.

"What makes you think I can trust you?"

"Oh, nothing at all, dearie! I just thought that since our interests go hand in hand, we should team up together! Besides, it's not like you have a choice. I can just torture you, revive you, and then torture you over and over again until you finally give in! Would you like to do this the easy way or the hard way?"

"Grrrrrr… fine. What are you asking for in return?"

"Oh, I'd just like you to run a few errands for me! There are quite a few boys out there who have been very, very naughty as of late. I'd like you to bring them back here so I can teach them some manners. Maybe if you behave like a good boy yourself, I'll give you some of the things you desire and maybe a little extra. Do we have a deal, Bowser?"

As he looked deep into the Fairy Godmother's eyes, he thought he could see Princess Peach waving back at him through their reflection. "I will do anything you ask of me."

* * *

 **A/N: _MOAR! MOAR CHARACTERS! KYAHAHAHAHA!_**

 **Okay, that chapter went on a bit longer than I expected, probably because I tried to cram four perspectives in one chapter. Hope this isn't too confusing compared to the other stuff I've written before this. Some of the events from A Night at the Holiday Inn have been referenced in this chapter, so you might want to take look at that if you haven't already. The timeline for things mentioned in that might be a bit inaccurate, as I haven't really bothered to calculate when different things happen in the Hoboverse continuity.**

 **Things didn't go exactly the way I planned in this chapter, though overall the direction is where I wanted it to be.**

 **Speaking of which, I should probably try to find a way to insert Spongebob and Mr. Krabs in this story, though I didn't really have any plans for them and their inclusion would be completely unnecessary. Will have to see how things turn out later.**

 **Anyway, more stuff with Team Weiss next chapter! Hope y'all enjoyed this chapter and be sure to stay tuned in for next time!**


	30. Neo's Heist

"Wow, magical genie man!" said Ruby. "I can't believe you beat that guy in one hit! That guy got totally _**#Shrekt!**_ I didn't even have to get into my robot-mecha-Shrek!"

"There ain't nobody whose got as much elite skillz as I do!" Gwonam boasted. "I'm level 69 muthafucka!"

"Somebody please kill me," said Frollo.

As the nine of us walked right back down the streets in order to meet up with Gendo's convoy, I dragged our newly acquired prisoner along. He looked like he had seen a few fights, especially with the large scar going across his face. He might have been a powerful villain back in his home country, but here, he was just another nobody with a couple of shiny toys. Though, he'd probably come in handy when we need to assault Nora's base.

We hadn't really decided what we were going to do with our new mecha, especially after Gwonam had blown it apart with his well-placed rocket. The thing didn't even look like it was compatible with our tech, but something that could flash-step at a moment's notice could come quite in handy when the going gets rough.

He had done quite a number on our new base though. That fancy silver mech of his had blown a hole in the side of the main sugar storage facilities, and a number of the workers couldn't handle the stress. Some of them even tried to kill us as we tried to respond to the situation.

"Say," said Arslan, "does anyone else think we could take on Nora's base right now?"

"Possibly," said Weiss, "most of our forces are already right here, and even if we don't win, we've still got a place to fall back to."

"But the big epic final battle isn't supposed to take place for another dozen chapters or so!" objected Ruby.

"Well, look at it this way, Ruby, most of our enemies are too focused elsewhere to give us too much trouble. If anything, now would be our best chance to strike."

"But we still have to find He-Man and G.I. Joe and Roman Torchwick and wait for General Swain to do his whole revolution thingy! _**#FEELTHEBERN**_ _BABY!"_

"I think she's completely lost it," remarked Luigi.

"Let's just all head back to base before we all go completely insane," said Frollo. "It would be better if we discussed some of this with Gendo anyway."

Once we were about four or five blocks from where we were going, we ran into some blue man shaped like one of those sheet ghosts from the old Pac Man games. He was around half our height and he seemed to be drinking from one of those extra-large slurpee cups.

"Say, any of you guys see a naked kid running around the place?"

"What, are you some kind of pedophile or something?" Luigi responded.

"What? Fuck no! He's my friend! Okay look, I know this may sound weird to you, but my friend has ingested a whole box full of sugar and now he's running all haywire and stuff. I just want to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or get into any trouble. Now, have any of you guys…"

Ruby pointed her arm in a roughly southeastern direction. "I think we found him…"

"Okay, thanks, gotta go, bye!"

And just like that, the little blue blob just ran off.

"What on Remnant was all that about?" remarked Weiss.

"Didn't…"

As Arslan was about to speak, I made my way ahead of the pack. We were already behind on schedule, so there was no use in lollygagging. Everyone else seemed to fall in line, as I was the most experienced member of this whole group outside of Gwonam.

"Right…"

By the time we were two blocks down from the factory entrance, Gendo's transports had already arrived. A few more of our troops started filing into the main factory, and soon after, the Pimp-daddy himself came out of his fancy limousine. Link and Adam were with him as well.

"Link!" cried Gwonam. "Thank goodness you are here!"

"Gwonam! You're alive!"

The purple-robed vizier swooped in on his magic carpet and gave the hero of Hyrule a great big hug.

"I am very sorry to hear what has happened to The King, but we have very important business to take care of. Come with me, Link, for I have a very special surprise for you!"

"Oh boy!" said Link. "This sure must be my lucky day!"

Weiss simply rolled her eyes at their brotherly affection. "They sure seem to have recovered quickly."

"Of course," said Gendo, "our medical technology is some of the best the world has to offer. I'm rather impressed that you've managed to secure a factory of this size, as I was expecting that you would meet with more resistance." His eyes then turned to the man I was dragging along. "I see you've managed to capture one of Nora's henchmen, along with some of her material assets."

I nodded at this.

"Speaking of which," said Weiss, "how is the investigation of the other prisoners going?"

"They were surprisingly cooperative. It seems their school over in King's Landing fell on hard times, so they joined up with some of the local insurrectionists to secure funding for their so-called 'tankery club.' We have yet to verify whether these claims are true, but you know how the economy is nowadays."

"I see. Anyway…"

"Wait a second!" It was at this moment that Adam had stopped examining his surroundings and finally noticed some of the baggage we were carrying. "I think I've seen this guy before."

"You have?" said Ruby.

"Neo, stand back for one second."

I did what I was told, and the moment I let go of our prisoner, Adam swept out his sword and slashed right through the man's neck. To say I was shocked would be a massive understatement.

"Adam!" shouted Ruby.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" said Weiss.

"Adam Taurus, what you did was…"

The White Fang leader smacked Mr. Ikari right in the face before he could finish his sentence. "That man's too dangerous to be left alive. I've seen the kind of shit he's done. Trust me, you're not gonna get any information out of him. He's far more crafty than you realize."

"He didn't seem that tough," remarked Ruby, as Gwonam and Link were long gone by this point.

"We can still make use of his Arm Slave, or what's left of it anyway."

"Who was that guy anyway?" asked Arslan.

"You're better off not knowing."

Gendo Ikari took a moment to adjust his glasses. "I hope I can trust your judgment on this case. But next time you had better ask me before making such a rash decision."

"Got it."

Once that was said and done, Weiss decided to go up to our commander-in-chief to discuss her plan. "Anyway, Mr. Ikari, Arslan and I were thinking that we should go forward with assaulting the main base. We've already…"

"No."

The hobo heiress jumped back a little after hearing Gendo's remark. "No? But we're already here, and we've already got the Eva in position to provide fire support for when we take HQ!"

"Plus," said Arslan, "almost all of Nora's forces are busy dealing with attacks on the beach. If there was ever a time to strike, now would be a good time to do it!"

"Look," said Gendo, "we don't know anything about the layout of Nora's headquarters, nor anything about what kinds of defenses she's packing. Plus, we don't know where her elite henchmen are located or how many of them can reinforce the tower. We could be walking into a death trap for all we know."

"But wasn't that the case…"

"I think our time would be better spent if we fortify our current position. The attacks from the outside world don't look like they're going to let up anytime soon, so now would be a good time to build up our current foothold."

Gendo adjusted his glasses once more, and then turned towards me. "Besides, it would be best if we sent some scouts ahead before walking into a quagmire."

* * *

About an hour and a half later, I was standing right before Nora's company headquarters. The streets were empty as usual, without even a single soul or car to lighten the mood.

Come to think of it, I've never really been in his side of town, even though my partner and I used to gigs all over the place. It used to be that this place served as the SDC headquarters, after global warming had wiped out their base in Atlas. Seems like they've made a few improvements on the place, and now its highest point looked like it was going straight through the clouds.

I wore one of my fancy disguise kits to help me blend in with the locals. Can't have people knowing that one of the best private detectives in Vale is on their case, otherwise the local police would arrest me for trespassing.

I could've brought one of those fancy grappling hooks to help me break in on one of the upper floors, but that would just look suspicious, and I'm sure Nora's got cameras hidden all over the place.

I went in through the front door. The main lobby had a receptionist's desk and a small little waiting area. Aside from that, most of the first floor was just empty space, except for the main elevators and side halls up ahead.

"Ah, Miss Neopolitan Gasai, what a pleasant surprise to see you here today!"

Shit, I've been had.

The chair behind the receptionist's desk slowly swiveled around to reveal Professor Peter Port, who was one of the foremost members of the Achievement Hunter crew.

"What, did you actually think the author forgot about me? I was doing stuff, like taking care of animals, and torturing people."

I knew I had to get out of that joint like a bat outta hell now that my cover has been blown. It's one thing to go up against a Super Saiyan, but it's another thing to get your ass handed to you by a professional gamer. But then again, I still needed to gather more info about this place. I didn't want to come back home empty handed.

Professor Port drew out his heavy blunderbuss. "I like the disguise, but you really shouldn't have shown your face around these parts. We were expecting you. ACHIEVEMENT HUNTSMEN, ASSEMBLE!"

When Peter Port raised his axe and slammed his fist on the tabletop, several compartments on the ceiling opened straight up. Neptune Vasilias, Scarlet David, X-Ray, a robotic version of Banjo from the _Banjo Kazooie_ games, and a space marine in orange armor landed on the floor in graceful strides, though Junior's dead body fell splat on the floor soon after.

"Oh good lord!" said Scarlet, vomiting from seeing Junior's rotting guts flying everywhere.

"Dude, what the fuck?" said the Banjo robot, who sounded like Sun Wukong for some reason. "You couldn't find Junior a replacement chassis like you did for me?"

"Huh," said Professor Port, "I forgot he was actually dead."

"You couldn't have at least checked?" said X-Ray.

"What? It's not my job to check whether my teammates are actually alive! Besides, there's no way in hell I'm talking to the local team necromancer."

"Good point," said the Banjo robot.

"How the fuck did I even get here?" said the orange-suited marine.

"Uh, guys?" Neptune asked.

"Not now, Neptune!" said Professor Peter Port. "Can't you see we're in the middle of an important team-building exercise?"

"Besides," said Grif, "are you even a real Achievement Huntsman?"

"Shut up!" Neptune responded. "I'm totally a member of the Achievement Hunter crew! You made me go through all those hazing exercises, remember?"

"I don't remember any of that," responded Grif.

"You were, like, in it for one day," said Sun, who was now possessing a bear robot. "Also, isn't Ruby supposed to be part of our crew?"

"She's with the good guys, remember?" replied Professor Port.

"I think Kerry's onto something," said X-Ray. "I don't know if any of you have noticed, but I think Neo just walked right past us."

"Nonsense!" said Professor Port, "Can't you see that she's standing right there waiting patiently for our dialog to end so we can have our duel of mortal fisticuffs? Besides, I still have to make her go through my elaborate underground obstacle course."

"Dude, you never open your eyes."

"I think she just went up the stairs," said Scarlet.

"Are any of you guys gonna do something about it?" said Grif. "Cause I'm not."

"I just got roped into this by that dumbass bitch," said Sun. "I don't really give a shit one way or another."

"Well, I thought we were going to do a rally like 'TEAM NICE DYNAMITE!' or something," replied Scarlet.

"Dude, you sound like my friend Vav," commented X-Ray.

"Okay! Enough of this!" yelled Peter Port. "Let's just get this job over with! Now, Miss Neopolitan Gasai, prepare to face your worst nightmares! Witness the true power of my obstacle course of doom! Huh, where did she go?"

"Fuck this, I'm outta here," said X-Ray. "Catch you guys later."

While those Achievement Huntsmen were busy discussing among themselves, I managed to sneak past them and reached the stairs past the elevator section. Thanks to my ultra-fine Batman-senses, I was still able to hear most of what was going on even though I was already five floors above them by this point. I don't think they'd be able to find me now, but just to be safe, I'd probably have to change my disguise as soon as I found the nearest bathroom.

Most of the floors looked just like your average office spaces, though a few of them seemed to be off limits because of whatever research was going on in them. I'd have to remember to investigate these places sometime later once the heat was off me.

Once I felt I was far enough away from the bottom floor, I exited out the stairwell and looked around for any bathrooms. The floor I was on, the eighth floor, had a number of winding hallways with doors lined up on each side. Apparently this floor had its own mini-bar and swimming pool, even though there was no way anyone could build one of those things without the risk of it running into one of the floors below.

Unfortunately, the closest pair of restrooms were closed down for maintenance, and the only other set available was all the way on the other side, even though the elevators were supposed to be going right through the middle of HQ.

I ran into a couple guys wearing bumblebee costumes and generic mook suits during my trek through the halls. Most of them were busy filing paperwork or reading through the daily newspaper. I don't think any of them had any idea who I really was. Good.

But just when I thought I was in the clear, I saw an all too familiar face.

"Neo?"

Fuck, my cover's blown, again.

"I didn't really expect to see you here. How are things going?"

I didn't know how high up Emerald was in Nora's chain of command, but I couldn't let her know that I was working with the good guys. I started searching around the hall to see if there was any place where we could talk quietly. There were a whole lot of rooms, but it was hard to tell if they were occupied or not.

"You hiding from somebody?"

Did she read my mind or something? Shit, I gotta stay calm or else Peter Port's gonna challenge me to a full out game of _Dungeons and Dragons,_ and trust me when I say that shit takes way too fucking long.

"Alright, just come with me. I think I know someplace where we can talk privately."

I followed Emmy down the hall until we reached a part over near the edge of the building that only had one door, which was made of hard, cold steel. The thing had one of those hand-and-eye scanning devices, whereas most of the other rooms only had basic key locks or no locks at all. Furthermore, I couldn't find anything that looked like it could've hidden a camera or something like it.

Once Emmy got us past security, the doors opened on their own.

"Well, how do you like it?"

The place looked like your average 4chan party room, complete with a checker-tiled dance floor, disco ball, and bass speakers. It even had its own bar with all the liquor you could ever imagine. The dim purple lighting overhead gave the whole place a seductive vibe like the kind you see when you watch _Game of Thrones_ after having leftover pizza from Chuck E. Cheese's with a few cups of acid-laced purple drank.

Towards the left side of the room, where the main dance floor was, there was a sizable gambling table with at least ten seats, though I couldn't help but notice a stray twenty-sided die lying on the table. The dance floor even had it own fully functioning stripper pole and full life-sized body-pillow of Shrek over by the corner. Toward the back end of the room, there was an extra-large purple pimp sofa and a small end table with enough dope to feed the sub-continent of India.

I didn't have any words to describe what I felt when I gazed upon this club's majestic grace.

After closing the door, Emerald ran over to the pimp sofa and leaped onto its comfy cushions, "Well, what are you waiting for? Have some fun, why don't ya?"

Somehow I get the feeling that this is all just a setup so Emerald can seduce me, but I don't fly that way. I'm just a man on a mission, and there ain't nothing that's gonna stand in my way between me and my man Torchwick.

When I sat down, Emerald wrapped her arm around my shoulder and brought herself in real close. "So, how are things lately?"

I didn't want to say too much, so I just drilled her with the usual private detective bullcrap. I can't have people knowing that I'm actually a superhero in disguise. I'd play along with her little games for now, even if it was going to somehow end with me in bed with the enemy. I'm James Bond, bitch. You know, the guy from _Thomas the Tank Engine_.

"So, business as usual, huh? It must be hard with your ex-boyfriend gone missing. I can't believe you haven't tried to join us sooner."

The hell do you mean by that?

"Well, you weren't with him when he signed up. I just thought you guys broke up or something."

So you're trying to tell me he came in here and joined this nefarious organization on his own, _without me?_ I don't buy a word of it. Roman must have been kidnapped. There's no other explanation for why he would ditch me out of the blue.

"That's what the records say at least. As a matter of fact, he used to be my old boss - not that I slept with him or anything like that! He was just too fun to mess with!"

Good, because if you said otherwise, I would have to slice you in half like a stick of sliced butter, only with more blood.

"At least, that was the case before he got moved up north."

Up north, huh? This piece of information might come in handy later. Just where up north did he go?

"France? I dunno. My guess is it's got something to do with politics. You know how competitive the upper echelons of management can get. Say, you want a joint?"

I don't smoke.

"Right, don't mind if I help myself then." Emmy reclined over and pulled out a joint from the stand right next to us. "Man, I'm just dying to get baked right now! You know, if it wasn't for the whole invasion thing, this whole place would be packed. Say, I think I might have something you might be interested in."

Emmy got up, walked up to the nearby wall, and opened up one of those secret compartments you always hear about in the movies. Inside, there was a thick, black, leather-bound book laced with gold trimming with a half-assed wing-like symbol, also made out of gold.

When she opened up the book and placed it in my lap, I could not believe my own eyes.

How the hell did she get her hands on these?

"See? Roman's baby pictures. I thought you might want to have a look at them."

Where did you get these?

"Got it off one of the high officials. Don't know how she got a hold of this, but damn this thing is a goldmine!"

At around that moment, someone came in through the door. She looked like one of those generic Japanese maids, but the way her eyes darted around everywhere made it look like she was trying to get high off crack without anyone else noticing.

"Oh, uh… I didn't expect to see anyone here at this time. I'm sorry I'll just…"

"Ah, don't worry Shannon, we're just looking at some of our old boss's pictures."

"Oh, okay." Even though I was too busy trying to look at Roman taking his naked rubber ducky baths, it was plain as the light of day that this girl had the jitterbugs. My guess was that she was a recovering addict, like Weiss was, and the strange looking tattoos on her leg seemed to confirm this. "I-Is it okay if I join you two?"

"Knock yourself out, girl!"

"Th-thank you very much!" the maid girl bowed and then began awkwardly skipping toward the pimp sofa.

"Don't worry about her," Emerald said, turning back towards me, "Shannon's just new around here."

When she got about a foot away from the sofa, Shannon stopped where she was and then knelt down to get a closer look at me. "Wait, I don't think I've seen you around before."

"She's with me," said Emerald.

"Oh, okay!"

As she sat down, the maid girl clung onto my left arm. I guess this just must be the way she greets people, even if it does seem a bit strange.

"Say," said the maid, "I could show you around the facility if you'd like. There's a nice in-house garden on the thirty-second floor, so if you want to see it, just feel free to ask, if that's okay with you."

I suppose there's no reason to decline that offer, especially since I still needed to gather some info for the guys back at home base. Though, I just hope I wouldn't run into those Achievement Hunter guys again, or anyone else who knew who I really was.

I continued ruffling through the pages, admiring Roman's handsome body as Emmy and the new girl looked on from each side. He seemed to have been sporting a different haircut back in his high school days when he went to Beacon. Did he go to Beacon? I don't even remember.

I remember when I first met him when I joined the force. The two of us were fine partners, even after Cinder's group went down the shit-hole. Seems like he was as good-looking back then as he is now. I wonder why he never showed me something like this when we were together? Though, I can't help but wonder why some random officer would be carrying this thing around, only for it to be stolen by someone like Emerald.

Strangely enough, it didn't look like there were that many hunters when Roman went to school. It was still him recognizably enough, even though his appearance seemed to change from page to page like he was going through the Michael Jackson treatment. I guess that's normal for someone going through puberty. Though, I couldn't help but feel like something was off. Might just be the hair.

Wait a second, what the hell?

That can't be right.

"You see something, Neo?" said Emerald.

But when I flipped back those last few pages, there was no mistaking it. There he was, buried underneath a pile of young, nubile strippers.

"Oh wow, Roman was quite the ladies man."

There's no way my man would go out with any other woman, not when he's got me. What would he be doing with a bunch of skanky-ass hoes like them? Even Cinder's with him for crying out loud.

I could understand if he had a thing for grandma Shrek, but this? This is just too much.

With every page that I flipped, there would be another picture of him standing with some young skank trying to get into his pants.

No. Oh god no.

What is he doing with _her_ of all people?

"Is something the matter, Miss Gasai?"

Even with the maid's words of concern, there was no alleviating the horror of what I just saw.

This must be a setup. There's no way Roman would ever fall for a woman like her, let alone get down on the floor naked like that.

And yet there they are, smiling and laughing and playing their stupid little games like they were rubbing it in my face.

I don't know who you are, bitch, but if you don't let my Torchwick go, I _will_ find you, and I _will_ kill you.


	31. The Quest for the Holy Grail

"So is this the place?" asked Roman.

"Nah," said Qrow, "we just have to get through here to find the sheath of Avalon."

"But why would they build such a huge wall like this?" asked Salt.

"Don't ask me, they're French."

"Yeah," said Roman, "but can't we just go over it?"

"It ain't that easy kid. They've probably got a few missile silos out back. We'll just have to do this the old fashioned way."

Salt raised his hand. "But wouldn't Avalon be in Britt…"

"Shut up, I know what I'm doing!"

Qrow Branwen slowly walked up to the giant medieval-styled fortress right before them, with an equally massive wall stretching on as far as the eye could see. Despite its mildly intimidating presence, there didn't seem to be anyone manning the walls. Roman half-wondered why no one had tried blowing a hole in the walls, though for some inexplicable reason, there seemed to be a giant wooden bunny on wheels lying in the grass nearby along with a few cow bones.

At any rate, it probably wouldn't be too hard to climb over this thing.

When Qrow got up to the castle's doors, he used a ring nested in one of the door's handles to knock on it thrice. There also seemed to be a few slits in the hanging over the entrance, though Roman couldn't see anything through them.

The three of them waited for a response from the inside, with Salt standing outside and the other men leaning up against the entryway.

At least a minute or so had passed, and Roman started to grow impatient, "So, when do you think…"

"Uh, guys…" said Salt, pointing up to the sky.

"'Allo zere gentlemen!"

When Roman and Qrow came running to Salt's position, they saw two mustachioed figures in medieval-styled armor watching from atop the fortress's battlements.

"Oh Jesus fucking Christ no!"

Even though the local setting looked different than what he had remembered, Roman almost immediately recognized them as heralding from _Monty Python and the Holy Grail 2: Attack on Duloc_. These men were definitely going to be a pain in the ass to deal with, even without all the shenanigans going on back home in Vale. Sometimes, Torchwick wondered whether he was in a movie of some sort, especially with all the _Fate/stay night_ elements showing up along with these more recent developments.

"Of course you would be intimidated by our innate Frenchness, you silly Japanese swine! We are descended from ze great Napoleon! You gerbil-bred hunters are nothing but tutu-wearing sissies compared to us, and we defecate on you and your pink powdered pixie dust and your plastic toys from New Hampshire!"

"Great…" Roman face-palmed.

"Alright look," said Qrow, "we're just looking for the sheath of Avalon and thought you might have it."

"What makes you think zat we would have it?" said one of the guards.

"Why wouldn't you have it? Wouldn't that just be proof that you're the ones who are a bunch of pansies? You did lose to Hitler after all."

The two guards briefly looked at each other, and then ducked down behind the crenelations.

"I'll just be here hiding behind this rock in case anything happens," said Salt.

A few seconds later, the guards' heads popped up over the walls once again.

"Well, we, eugh, used to have it, but now it is gone."

"You mean you lost it?" Qrow asked.

"Why do you think…" Roman tried to say.

"What? No!" said one of the guards. "We didn't lose it like like you incompetent Valeurians who lick the buttocks of small rabbits!"

"We blew it up into zillions of tiny pieces!" said the other guard.

Even Qrow seemed shocked by this. "What?"

"So we came all this way for nothing?" Roman complained. "Let's just go."

"Wait! Wait! Wait!" said the first guard. "Do not leave us just yet!"

"Yes, we know how important your quest is to depose of ze Shrek tyrant!"

"That is why we have prepared another relic for you. It is much better than that onion-smelling scabbard of those piss-eating Englishmen!"

"Because it is French!"

Roman began to turn around. "So is this the one that will summon that Caster dude?"

"What, no!" said the first guard.

"We do not support the demented antics of child-lovers!"

"Besides, what we have for you is even better!"

"Just give us the damn thing already or I'll rip your tongues out myself," said Qrow.

"Your words fly like farts in the wind, for you silly tutu-wearing children could never breach our impregnable French defenses! _Ohonhonhon!"_

As the second guard was responding to Qrow's remarks, the other guy had been lifting some sort of broken rifle over the wall.

"Behold my dear comrades, for this rifle had once belonged to one of the finest hunters of all time! No hunter or huntress in Vale or all of Remnant has ever surpassed the skills of this master warrior!"

"Not even Gilgamesh!"

Roman's attention perked up upon hearing this, considering how absurd this claim was.

"Yes, and he is even better than Master Yi! He will decimate all your crud-eating enemies with his quickscoping marksmanship skills! Observe for yourselves!"

The guard then threw the rifle over the wall, prompting Roman to step out of the way as it flew past him.

"Now that you have what you came for, we bid you all adieu!"

"Adieu!"

The French guards began blowing the two of them kisses as they receded behind the fortress ramparts.

"Well," said Roman as he picked up the rifle, "I guess this is better than nothing. You think this will still work?"

"We'll have to see. Lets find a place to stay for the night so we can work on summoning that thing."

Salt Peters began to emerge from his hiding spot. "So, wait, they just _gave_ us that thing, and we didn't have to do anything in return?"

Roman shrugged. "Works for me."

"They're just trying to be relevant, what with their lack of screen time," said Qrow. "Besides, the French are sick of the abundance of Shrek memes all over the place, so it's only natural that they'd be willing to help us."

The three of them got back into the car and started heading back towards Vale.

About thirty minutes in, Roman spotted King Bowser driving down the interstate on a half-shod go-kart. Although they initially ignored him, Bowser came driving up alongside their vehicle, and then knocked on the side door.

Qrow pulled down the window, "What do you want you overgrown lizard?"

"You're Qrow Branwen, right?"

"Yeah? So what?"

"Someone told me I should go seeking your help. Heard you've got a beef against Shrek."

"Maybe, why do you ask?

"So do I. Been down on hard times ever since the Cataclysm six years ago."

"How do I know you're not working for one of them fanatics?"

Bowser reached over and handed a wax-sealed envelope to Qrow. "Let's just say I've got a Fairy Godmother on my shoulder making sure I don't stray too far off the path."

Roman tried to peek over to see the letter from himself, but the writing was too small and too fancy for him to read. Something about the seal did strike him as familiar, though he couldn't explain why.

But more importantly, there was cash.

"Huh," said Qrow, "can't believe I've never heard of this Fairy Godmother woman before." Qrow then tossed the letter back. "Read it over if ya want." He then turned back to the Koopa King. "Alright, tell your boss we're interested. And tell her to send over more of her cronies so we can stop this Great Shrekoning once and for all."

"Done," said Bowser. "I'll call her once we get over to the next stop. In the meantime, I shall be accompanying you guys."

"Sounds good to me," said Qrow.

As Roman looked over the letter, he couldn't help but notice there was something distinctly familiar about the handwriting. He also couldn't help but wonder why a big name like Bowser would be working as someone's underling, unless he had been caught in a jam somewhere or needed to find some way to pay the rent. At any rate, he was finally getting some peace and quiet.

Maybe he would finally get to see who this Shrek guy really was.

* * *

"Gamma-5 reports successful destruction of the enemy flagship. All Fire Nation ships are in full retreat."

"Excellent work," said General Ironwood. "How's Penny holding up?"

"Aura's at seventy-five percent, sir."

"Good." In spite of a few minor difficulties, Penny had managed to hold up well ever since her initial construction, even during the chaos that followed the great Cataclysm. It's a shame that Ozpin wasn't around to see her.

But still, Ironwood had won this initial skirmish, though he didn't know how long Vale's forces could hold up. Firelord Ozai had vastly underestimated him, and his tactics showed for it. In spite of his own losses, Ironwood had managed to capture several Fog vessels under Fire Nation control along with a few airborne carriers, which were far more important than whatever ground troops he may have lost. It might have sounded silly a few years ago, but playing all those video games and watching all that shitty weeaboo anime and children's cartoons paid off in the end.

Modern warfare demanded adaptability, and Ironwood was just the man for the job. Nothing could better demonstrate this than what had happened during the initial chaos of the Cataclysm, and what Ironwood had to do to contain it.

It was only a matter of time before Vale would fall; Ironwood could only delay the inevitable.

Another messenger came running in, "Sir!"

"What is it, Sergeant Goldfinger?"

"We've got signatures coming up from the northeast! Thousands of them!"

" _Swain,"_ General Ironwood thought aloud to himself. "Alright everyone, we're pulling back toward HQ. Tell squadrons 7 and 8 to hold the beach until we can send reinforcements. I need squadrons 13 through 18 defending the river until all our naval assets are through. I want every street, every boulevard and every avenue covered in mines. If any of those Fire Nation scumbags break through, we've gotta make every inch they take a living hell!"

* * *

 _ **-KABOOM!-**_

"Alright, we're through!" shouted Flynt Coal.

The moment Melanie had finished bursting through the wall, the blue Tornado mech piloted by Tails locked onto almost every single enemy in the adjacent chamber and blasted them all with his missiles and machine gun fire.

In spite of her initial doubts, Flynt Coal had surprisingly good connections, considering his fellow gamers and fox friend made the assault of the Egg Carrier that much easier. Melanie and her sister had even acquired their own specialized weapons, which could transform between a rocket launcher and an assault rifle. Not that it meant they were a match for any specialized hunter or huntress, but it significantly improved their versatility.

During the attack, the two of them had also discovered their own semblances. Miltiades could apparently conjure up vines by extending them from her arms, though she would wear out quickly after using it. Mel herself was now able to create black feather-like projectiles out of thin air, but they didn't really seem to do much at the moment. Perhaps she would find some other use for them later.

As the five of them searched around the room for any more robots, cameras, or goons, Melanie's sister spoke out of the blue, "Wow, I can't believe this attack is going so smoothly."

"Don't sweat it guys," said Flynt, "I've been doing this kind of business for years."

"The enemies have abandoned the cause of the great Ogrelord, and now they shall pay for their blasphemy!" said Russel, _"SHREK IS LOVE! SHREK IS LIFE!"_

"Err… what he said."

"Yeah," said Melanie, "Let's just not jinx our chances."

Melanie looked around the small, metal-lined room. Aside from the hole they just blew in the wall, there seemed to be a door to the left and right from where they came. On the back wall, there seemed to be a large control panel, which they had blown up shortly after they entered, but it didn't seem to serve any obvious purpose, like most of the strange panels all over the ship.

In spite of their recent successes, something didn't seem quite right. Melanie had played the _Sanic Adventure_ games long before she had become a prostitute, but despite outside appearances, the place looked nothing like the Egg Carrier she had seen in the games.

"So," said Miltia, "how long do you think it will be before we find Red Spy?"

"It's not going to be easy, that's for sure," said Flynt. "He could be anywhere, and if we're not careful, he could easily be any one of us."

"Just remember guys," said Tails, "we've all got to do this together!"

"Yeah!" shouted Miltia. "Go team, go!"

"Woohoo!" Melanie cried unenthusiastically. "So, any ideas on how we can find this guy?"

"Already ahead of you, Mel." Flynt Coal whipped out a sleek, jet-black communicator from his pockets. "Come in Rainbow Monkey, do you read me?

"Alright, that's good to hear. Black Lotus signing out." Flynt then snapped the device shut. "Neon's team just secured the bridge. Still no sign of Red Spy."

"You sure that was her?" asked Mel.

"Well, if not, we'll find out later. Tails, give me a rundown of the place."

"No problem!" The twin-tailed fox boy pressed a button on his console, prompting his battlemech to begin projecting a hologram in the middle of the room. Every room they had explored had been recorded in meticulous detail on the ship's projection, along with those reported by the other teams. It would only be a matter of time before they would find and corner their adversary.

After around thirty seconds, once the computer's analysis protocols had finally reached ninety-nine percent, a small, empty space on the ship's projection blinked bright red. "There!" Tails said as he pointed to the hypothetical room in question, "If Red Spy is anywhere on this ship, then he's gotta be in that part of the ship."

"How the hell does that stuff even work anyway?" said Melanie. If anything, the computer's choice in selecting the next area to go seemed completely arbitrary, even if it was relatively close to their position.

"Plot convenience?" replied Miltiades.

"Anyway," said Flynt, "it looks like that is the next place to go. Let's move!"

It only took them about five more minutes for them to blitz through the next few rooms and reach the area where Red Spy was supposedly hiding. Unlike the rest of the complex, the entrance to this location was marked by a set of thick, mahogany doors instead of the steel and aluminum barriers everywhere else.

This time, Melanie's sister stepped forward to do the deed, switching her weapon into rocket launcher mode.

 _ **-KABOOM!-**_

The moment the door was open, Melanie rushed into the room followed by Tails, her sister, Flynt, and then Russel. Unlike the rest of the ship, this room looked more like a reading lounge you'd expect in some old rich guy's mansion instead of a flying aircraft carrier. The only light in this room came from a small fireplace at the far end, and the light from the hallway of course. The Red Spy himself was resting on tall Burgundy chair, sipping from a glass of Château-Grillet while reading the daily newspaper.

The Red Spy lowered his newspaper and looked up at his uninvited guests. "Greetings, gentlemen. I am so glad you could come this fine afternoon."

"Can it!" said Melanie as she unleashed a hail of bullets into the Red Spy's face.

But instead of seeing the Red Spy's head explode into a pile of brains and guts, she saw sparks and metal shrapnel instead.

"Shit!"

"Mel," said her sister, "why did you shoot the messenger?"

"Didn't want to take any chances. He could've stabbed us in the back while we weren't looking."

"Well, so much for that," said Flynt. "I guess we better…"

 _ **-SLAM!-**_

"What was that?" said Melanie as she heard a heavy metal door cut off their only escape.

 _Dammit, I should have seen this trap coming._

Almost immediately, several turrets sprouted out from the ceiling and took aim at the six of them. Just as Tails was about to lock on and eliminate them, a tablet-like object sprung forth from one of the bookshelves and latched onto Tails's robot, causing it to short out.

"What's going on? Why can't I move?"

Everyone else, particularly Russel, Miltia, and Flynt, had quickly eliminated the turrets before they could land many hits. During this, Melanie had simply conjured up a feather barrier to deflect most of the initial shots.

Shortly after, a bluish hologram projecting the Red Spy's smug face appeared in the middle of the room.

"Everyone be on guard!" said Mel.

"Did you really think you would be able to outsmart me?" said the Red Spy. "Think again! I am a master of disguise and trickery! You may think you have won, but the joke's on you! _Ohoho…!"_ The Red Spy made a loud, noticeable snorting sound as he laughed. "Now my manservant, if you would please."

The hologram then disappeared, leaving the room in almost total darkness.

Miltia said, "Man…"

" _SURPRISE!"_

 _ **-SNAP!-**_

Russel's head and body went flying out into the middle of the room, spilling blood onto the red carpet.

A giant, hulking, rat figure emerged from the darkness in the back, right corner of the room, across from Melanie and Tails's position.

"Now, I would much rather spend some time to get to know you better, but I'm on a bit of a tight schedule. I'm afraid you are all just going to have to _die."_

* * *

"Lord Disney, all seven servants have been summoned."

"Ah yes, most excellent work Kirei. Let us head down to the testing chamber at once!"

Lord Farquaad of Disney World stepped down from his enormous throne and followed the false priest to the lower recesses of his castle's experimental facilities. He had been ruler of Disney World for many years, but now that he was in possession of the Pillar Man, soon the whole world would finally see him for the king he truly was.

He had learned about the properties of the Pillar Men from Major Stroheim, whose ingenuity and technical skills helped shape Disney World into what it was today. However, this Pillar Man didn't seem to respond to mere blood transfusions or child sacrifices; something much greater was required for his awakening. That is why Lord Farquaad had Kotomine construct an artificial grail, so it could supply the vital fluids necessary to fuel the Pillar Man's reawakening.

He did not know who or what this Pillar Man had once been, but no one would question his legitimacy if he could bring back what was once Remnant's ultimate life form.

After descending down a long flight of stairs, much like that of the queen's castle in _Snow White_ , they had finally arrived in the Pillar Man's main control facility, secured behind a wall of thick plexiglass and steel. Pajama Sam and Wolf O'Donnell were already down here, along with several of his other minions.

"Everything is set up, I presume?"

"All good to go, Mr. Disney!" said Pajama Sam.

"Excellent, initiate the ritual at once!"

When Wolf pulled on the lever, the thick, chain-suspended, flesh-like slab descended in the adjacent chamber as a series of metal platforms retracted from it. Far down below the titular pillar was a large, golden cauldron-like object, filled to the brim with a thick, reddish blood or wine-like substance. Lord Farquaad didn't fully understand how the ritual was supposed to work, even though Kirei had already explained it to him at least a dozen times, but the technicalities didn't matter so long has he had results.

"I don't need no bloody princesses when I have you, my darling," he said while leaning up to the glass. "With you by my side, I shall become the King of all Kings!"

Lord Farquaad chuckled joyously as the Pillar Man inched closer and closer to the blood-like pond below. Five minutes passed by in relative silence, but they could not afford to rush perfection, not when those volatile fluids could damage the floor below.

During this time, Major Stroheim's mechanical footsteps could be heard coming from one of the stairwells in back.

"Come to see my crowning achievement, Major?"

"How could I miss it?" said Stroheim, "Today marks the beginning of a revolutionary new era for German Science!"

"Yes of course. Where's the boy?"

"He will be arriving shortly."

"Good." Lord Farquaad looked back down into the vast testing chamber.

"Guys! Guys!" said Pajama Sam. "It's almost there!"

Lord Farquaad had already been watching. The Pillar Man slowly edged into the fiery, lava-like pond below. Although there were initially sparks and flames, these subsided almost instantly. Much like what had occurred with all the orphaned children, the pillar began to absorb as much vital fluids as it could take from the artificial grail below, but the grail's supply was seemingly infinite. How the vessel could hold so much liquid was beyond the meager Lord's comprehension, but it was more than enough to suit the Pillar Man's revival, and after only four minutes, his face began to bloom with the signs of life.

"Yes! Yes! It's working!"

Lord Farquaad heard Kirei chuckle to himself in the midst of his excitement, not that it mattered to him.

Everything he had worked for was finally coming to fruition.

Soon, the lips underneath the Pillar Man's trim mustache began to move on their own.

 _"Mein Führer!"_ Stroheim exclaimed.

Just when the subject's arms and legs had returned to their full vitality, his mouth had finally finished calibrating its own movements, and a single name was thus spoken.

 _"Fegelein…"_

"He talked! My goodness, the Pillar Man has finally spoken! Oh what a glorious day we are having today!" As Farquaad was celebrating his team's accomplishment, he could hear Mr. Kotomine laughing a most villainous laugh. "What? What's so funny?"

"I have long awaited for this day," said the false priest. "Now you shall witness the true terror of what you have just unleashed!"

Lord Farquaad now turned to see Major Stroheim towering over him, "The time has finally come! We members of the proud German race shall arise once again as true masters of the universe and beyond! _"_

"Yeah," said Pajama Sam, "everything is gonna be great, right guys?"

Farquaad's eyes darted between his four former compatriots, "Wait, what are you simpletons going on about? Have you all gone completely insane? I am supposed to be king, see?"

"Your assistance is no longer necessary," said Kirei.

"But… but…"

Lord Farquaad backed away as the others slowly approached him and then suddenly ran into something hard.

He turned around, only to find himself face-to-face with the Führer himself.

 _H-how did he escape? That chamber was supposed to be completely sealed!_

An old stone mask, chipped enough that it cut right into Farquaad's delicate cheek, was then forced onto his face. He could see nothing beyond the palm covering the eye-slits, but only a second after, thick claws bore into his skull.

Only seconds after the ritual had begun, Lord Farquaad was nothing more. His body in its entirety had been absorbed by the newly arisen Führer.

Farquaad's betrayers then bowed before Hitler's supreme majesty.

Major Stroheim was the first to speak up, "You have returned to us, mein Führer."

"Whatever will you have us do, your magnificence?" said Kirei.

As Hitler looked upon his new disciples, Stewie Griffin came down into the room dragging along his teddy bear, Rupert.

"Well, anyway Rupert, I was just… Oh my god! Oh my god! I can't believe it! It's really you!"

Stewie left his stuffed toy off to the side as he rushed in to bow before his new overlord.

"Jesus Christ, I can't believe it's really you! I'm like your number one fan! Like, I mean I know there's other villains who say they're evil and stuff, but you're like the real deal!"

Stewie looked as his fellow comrades as they began to stand up.

"So, Mr. Hitler, what are we going to do today?"

"It's simple," said the Führer, "We're gonna take over the world."

* * *

Evil had always existed on Remnant. Whether it was in the form of the Grimm or the often hated Minions, there always something out there waiting to undermine human civilization. With the predominance of the Hunting Academies and the deaths of Isaac Newton and Adolf Hitler, it was thought that evil's worst excesses had been curbed for the time being.

But now, that no longer seemed to be the case.

With the reawakening of Adolf Hitler in Disney World's underground facilities, a new threat now emerged to threaten Remnant and its way of life. Even after his death long ago, his evil still festered. No longer bound to his mortal form, Hitler gained support with his fellow compatriots in Hell. Within a matter of time, Hitler grew powerful enough to take on the Devil himself, and thus ascended to take Hell's throne.

After Hitler had been brought back to the surface, his army soon followed with him. Soon, the legions of Hell came pouring out of the earth itself as all sorts of Nazi scum and villainy flocked to his immense power. Josef Stalin and Winston Churchill, both of whom were long thought dead, now aligned themselves to the Führer's cause. Now as Remnant's wars stretched across metaphysical reality, the layers between Hell, Heaven, Purgatory and Remnant grew thin, until there was nothing left to separate them.

But even as Hitler's army began its ceaseless march towards Vale, something else was brewing within Disney World's dark depths.

Long after Hitler's forces had passed, a woman with luscious blonde hair and a handsome green ogre emerged from a foul-smelling pit deep within Disney World's dank swamplands.

"Thanks fer helpin' me out there, lass."

"Don't mention it."

"Where did you say this Vale place was exactly?"

"Dunno, Shrek, but I'm sure we'll figure it out sooner or later."

"Eugh... what the hell did these idiots do with my swamp anyway? This place reeks of ponies and fairy dust! I swear, as soon as I find them, I'm gonna rip them a new arsehole until they come beggin' for their own mothers."

* * *

 **A/N: Hello once again everybody! Lots of plot stuff this chapter. Hope it wasn't too much to swallow.**

 **So yeah, I did just cross this story over with Monty Python's the Holy Grail, though I don't think I was able to do its dialogue justice. Was kinda planning it for a while, though I probably should have watched the movie a few more times before writing this part.**

 **I wasn't sure what I wanted to use for Melanie and Miltiades's semblances for this story. They're kinda loosely inspired by/based on Suigintou and Suiseiseki's powers from _Rozen Maiden_ , though it's been a while since I watched that show, and I haven't seen the 2013 show nor read the manga. I'm not really sure how compatible they are with how semblances work within the RWBY-verse, but this story is so far divorced from the RWBY-verse at this point that I don't think it's really that important.**

 **Also, we finally get to see what the hell was going on with the whole Disney World faction in this chapter.**

 **Anyway, I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter. Just as a note, we are getting somewhat close to the end of the story, though I won't say just how many chapters are left, especially since I tend to write action sequences on the fly. If you have any comments or questions or whatnot, be sure to review or PM me. Be sure to stay tuned!**


	32. The Nutty Professor

"I wonder what's taking Neo so long?" Ruby asked.

"Could be anything," said Weiss. "The company headquarters is pretty big after all."

Weiss and Ruby had been sitting on a metal park bench looking over the main river. Given all the dead bodies and industrial waste products floating along, it was a miracle that the treatment plants were able to make the water even drinkable.

It had been over a day since Neo had departed for Nora's corporate headquarters. Given that everyone was still fighting over near the shoreline, the main compound shouldn't have been all that heavily guarded.

"Do you think we should go looking after her?"

"Nah," replied Weiss. "Like Gendo said, it would be practically suicide to go in without any intel. Besides, the fighting looks like its starting to clear up."

"You don't think…"

"No point in giving up now that we've gotten this far. If worse comes to worse, we try to defend what we can."

Besides, their situation wasn't completely hopeless. Just last night, they had found a contingent of American marines holed up in the north quarter of the city. Some of them said something about Nazi activity flaring up near Disney World and Minion sightings, but so far nothing had been confirmed.

Furthermore, Link had managed to acquire a Heroic Spirit of his own in the form of Aladdin, even if he was a bit dumb in the head. The Mario brothers had also managed to acquire some mushrooms, which hopefully weren't poisonous.

Gendo had also finished working on Ruby's bio-mechanical limbs, which hopefully meant she would be capable in combat once again. Though, Weiss wasn't sure how well they would work with Ruby's wave-dashing semblance.

There were also a few boys who had decided to take residence in one of the warehouses nearby. Although they didn't look like the most trustworthy sorts of folks, Weiss and her crew had agreed to supply them with funding necessary for them to begin constructing a few additional battlemechs along with some sort of spaceship. She didn't think it would produce any actual results, but they weren't asking for all that much, just a few pennies and quarters.

Perhaps they could beat Nora after all. But then again, none of them had a strategy for dealing with Gilgamesh. All they could do was make do with what they could get.

Then, the two of them heard the distant sounds of motorcars.

"Heads up, Weiss! Someone's coming!"

Without saying a word, Weiss rushed in to the nearest building, followed by her partner. It only took them a couple minutes to ascend the abandoned apartment complex, but once they had found a room to their liking, the two of them peered out the window.

Several of Ironwood's ships were now approaching from downstream, escorted by a small fleet of gunships. A line of old Atlasian tanks and ground transports began passing by from down the road.

The two of them immediately took cover behind the wall.

"What's going on?" whispered Ruby.

"Looks like they're all heading back to base. Lets report this back to Gendo."

Ruby nodded.

There was a sudden bump outside as several Atlas soldiers stepped out of one of the transports. "Is anyone in there?"

The two girls suddenly went silent. Had they been discovered?

Weiss gestured to the other side of the building, and the two of them began sneaking their way out of the room as they heard footsteps below. Unfortunately, the servos within Ruby's new limbs still seemed to be making a bit of noise. They weren't loud per-say, but there was always a slight buzz and click with every slight movement.

The footsteps picked up pace.

"Fuck, let's move!"

But before Ruby and Weiss could escape into another closet or room, several Atlas guards came bursting out of the nearby stairway.

"You there, drop…"

 _ **-POW!-POW!-**_

"Come on!" shouted Ruby.

As the two of them rushed forward, Weiss brought out her newly repaired Myrtenaster, plunged it into the wall, and then sealed the door shut with a wall of ice.

Voices could be heard from the other side, "Shit! Captain, we've got a code Whiskey-Seven on the second floor!"

The two of them continued circling around to the other side of the building. Even though most of the rooms on the south side led directly into an alleyway, it wouldn't be all that difficult to leap across. By the time Ruby and Weiss were ready to make the jump, the Atlasian troops had finally broken through the barricade.

Cars and ground transports were already zipping their way through the surrounding streets, but Weiss had no time to think about that.

 _Here goes nothing._

Taking Ruby by the hand, Weiss sprung herself onto a conjured glyph, and launched herself to the top of the adjacent building.

"You know," said Ruby, "you could have just let me do it."

"Shut up."

While in midair, Weiss could see the ground troops firing at her down below, though for some reason she didn't see the usual flashes from their laser weapons. Not that it mattered anyway.

On the other hand, she did feel something trickle her skin as she dashed through the air.

After they had landed on the roof, the hobo heiress gently let her partner down on the ground. They were at least eight blocks from where they needed to go, but now that Ironwood's goons were on their trail, she would have to plan accordingly.

Though, she could do that later. After all, she had all the time in the world.

"Weiss, why do I feel tired all of a sudden?" Ruby let out a great yawn, before slumping over onto the ground.

 _God fucking dammit!_

As she tried to straighten herself up, Weiss to could feel the sudden exhaustion taking over her, and when she looked over to examine her own leg, she could see a dart plunged straight into it. She tried to pull it out, but it was no use.

Soon, sleep overcame her.

* * *

Sometime later, Weiss Schnee found herself in a nondescript gray cell, tied up to an iron chair. Aside from a short desk, a couple of overhead lights, and a rather imposing steel door, there was nothing else inside the room.

 _Well, there goes my luck._

Minutes later, General James Ironwood came marching through that door, standing opposite of her.

"Weiss Schnee."

Ironwood began circling around the table like one of those cops from one of those crime shows.

"The company has been looking for you for quite some time."

"Yeah, what about it?" Weiss replied.

Ironwood stopped where he was and glanced over in Weiss's direction. "You do realize that I am on the board of directors, correct?"

"It's kinda obvious by this point."

"Figures."

"You know, you guys had plenty of times to capture me before."

"To be honest, I don't really give a damn about whatever your little squabble is with Nora. All I want to do is keep this city safe and orderly. This little… _war_ of yours has been far too costly on our citizens. I know you didn't call the order to launch the nukes, but now we're involved in an international crisis because _someone_ decided to be a sneaky little bastard, and I bet I know who it is."

Although Ironwood didn't mention the individual by name, the heiress had a fairly good idea who he was talking about, even if she couldn't remember the lady's name herself.

"Why did you join Nora's company anyway?"

"Politics," Ironwood stated flatly. "Besides, membership in the company has provided me with better deals on Dust products and experimental weaponry, and I could afford to implement some of my more unethical policies without having to worry about public backlash. However, I must admit that I do not like the current direction this company is headed towards."

"Something to do with Nora, I imagine?" It was probably Nora. After all, she was a bit of an idiotic dolt.

"That girl does not have the capacity to rein in or discipline her own subordinates! The whole reason we are being invaded on multiple sides is because of her reluctance to punish the one responsible for this fiasco! Our ties with the U.S. were vital for maintaining our own national security, and now because of some fuck up, we've got several military superpowers looking to seize this kingdom for themselves.

"Weiss, we are in desperate need of new leadership. That is why we need you to take charge of the company."

"Wait," said Weiss, taken aback in confusion, "why can't one of you guys do it yourselves? I mean, I'm okay with it if it means we get back at Nora, but this isn't really our problem."

"Gilgamesh. I have no idea how she got her hands on him, but that damn Servant is the whole reason why we haven't been able to take over and force her to work at some boring office job. He is simultaneously one of our greatest tactical assets and a major obstacle for why we can't get anything done. I've heard Swain's got a plan of his own, but there's no way in hell I'm gonna let him put in someone whose backed by those damn Minions. They've been stealing our jobs for years."

Right at this moment, General Ironwood pulled out the hilt of Weiss's own lightsaber and planted it on the table, along with a picture of her command scrolls.

"I know you've got what it takes to take on Nora, even with the help of her pretty-boy Prince Charming. Why don't you do your home country a favor? Dethrone the Queen of the Castle, and you shall be absolved of all your crimes."

"Sounds way too good to be true if you ask me. Can we get this is writing?"

"Certainly. Of course, it's not like you have much of a choice. We have already determined the location of your main bases of operation."

Ironwood then took out a small walkie-talkie-like device and brought in a few guards from outside to bring out a contract prepared for the occasion. Ironwood also had the guards undo the restraints binding her to the chair, while still keeping their weapons trained on her.

Weiss began to skim it over. "Huh, really? You're being surprisingly generous, General Ironwood. I'm surprised you haven't demanded anything of us that we weren't planning on doing already."

"You seem surprisingly calm yourself."

"I've been dealing with so much bullcrap for the past few weeks that I don't really give a shit anymore. I'm just surprised you haven't tried to make us your own personal sex slaves, what with you being a professional pimp daddy and all."

"I have standards, Miss Schnee. I make sure that all of Vale's strippers, prostitutes, and blackjack dealers are adequately paid for and safe from abuse. In spite of what the tabloids may think, I have a perfectly normal heterosexual relationship with my wife and I would never think of committing adultery."

"You sure?"

"Just sign the contract already."

"Fine, ugh, this is going to take a while." After getting about halfway, Weiss looked up once more, "Where's Ruby by the way?"

"Safe and content for the time being. I would prefer if you hurried up so we can intercept Swain's forces in time."

* * *

"Dammit! Which way is the way out?"

"I don't know, Mel! We'll just have to keep blasting our way out of here!"

"What about the bridge?" asked Flynt Coal. "What about Neon and the other gamers?"

"Fuck that!" said Melanie. "We've gotta worry about our own asses first! This guy's way too strong for us."

As the giant, demon-like rat continued chasing after them, Mel briefly turned around every so often to fire off a barrage of feathers and rockets, but nothing seemed to have an effect on the rat's ogre-sized bulk.

"You can't escape from me this time, boys and girls!" the rat hissed.

Melanie, Miltiades, and Flynt had been running through the Egg Carrier's corridor's for at least ten solid minutes. Nothing they did seemed to have an effect on the enraged rat menace, and it was only a miracle that they had managed to escape from that cramped study room.

Melanie wasn't even sure how the giant rat, who had an unusually dapper fashion sense, had managed to even get in the room. Melanie had remembered looking around the study before shit went down, and aside from the hidden turret panels, she couldn't imagine anything that could have functioned as a secret door. But either way, Russel and Tails were now down for the count, and barring a necromancer's intervention, there was no going back and saving them.

This mission had become a long lost cause. It was very likely that the bullheads on the landing deck had been destroyed, so their only hope was to look for an escape pod, try and survive the fall on their own, or try to link up with Neon's gang.

For now, all they could do was run.

After some time, they had found themselves in one of the carrier's hangar bays, which still did not look like anything Melanie remembered from playing the _Sanic_ games. Luckily, there seemed to be a few prototype fish ships docked here, which meant they could escape provided that they could burst open one of the hatch doors.

"Guys," said Miltia, "I think he stopped chasing us."

"Damn, who knew that a giant, ogre-sized sewer rat could be such a pain in the ass to kill?" said Flynt.

" _I AM NOT A RAT!"_

The instant everyone heard those words, Professor Ratigan came thundering through the carrier's hard steel walls.

Flynt instinctively raised up his horn to try to blow the rat away, but the giant rat simply rushed through, ripped the trombone out of Flynt's hands, and lifted him up by the head.

"I was destined to rule Britannia, until you meddling kids decided to intervene! Now you shall pay the price for those who defy me!"

With one solid crunch, Ratigan crushed Flynt's skull in within the palm of his hand, causing his brains and guts to splatter all over the hard metal floor.

Melanie and Miltiades backed away in shock as another one of their comrades fell before the great rat menace.

Even as his eyes were still glowing with rage, the ogre-sized rat, whose fine business attire was now in shambles, had somehow regained his composure. "Now, which of you two lovely young ladies would like to be next?"

While edging her way towards one of the nearby ships, Melanie tried stalling for time. "Wait, maybe instead of killing us, we could, maybe, offer you some services if you keep us alive."

"Like blowjobs!" shouted her sister.

"Yeah, like blowjobs!" Melanie tried her hardest to look somewhat complacent.

"Nice try," said their adversary, "but you girls aren't exactly my type. I have better things on my mind, like wedding the Queen of the Castle." Ratigan calmly began advancing towards them, "Now I do apologize for the inconvenience, but I have a rather important mission from my Master. I'm afraid the two of you will just have to die."

Just as Ratigan began charging toward them, Miltiades shot herself up onto one of the nearby ships, and Melanie's feathers from her newfound semblance formed into a pair of wings, allowing her to glide far out of their enemy's reach.

At the far corner of the hangar, Melanie saw Neon poke her head out of a Terran Banshee and wave towards her. After nodding back, Mel swept down, picked up her sister and then made her way towards Neon's craft while trying to keep out of Ratigan's sight.

"When did you learn to…"

Melanie quickly pressed her finger up against Miltia's lips, right as she turned and landed next to the Banshee's right side.

"I just saw Neon," Mel whispered into her sister's ear.

"You sure?" her sister replied back.

"Looked like her anyway."

"Then where are all the gamers?"

Melanie paused to think about her sister's statement. Assuming that Neon's group hadn't run into someone like Ratigan, most of her squad should have survived roughly intact. Plus, what was she doing down here instead of on the bridge?

Melanie swept her eyes around the hangar. Something didn't seem quite right. Unfortunately, she couldn't really afford to make much noise without alerting Professor Ratigan.

 _ **-PLINK!-**_

"What was that?" said Miltia.

Mel had no idea where the gunshot had come from, but looking around, the shot seemed to have penetrated the wall nearby.

" _GRAAAAGHHHHH!"_

"Shit!" said Miltia. "He's coming this way! Fuck, what do we do?"

"Quick!" said Melanie, "Use your vine thing!"

Right as Ratigan came running around the corner, Miltiades used her semblance to tip the Banshee over and throw it into the giant rat's path. Within seconds, Melanie brought out her hybrid rocket launcher and fired away.

 _ **-PSHOO!-BOOM!-**_

"Run!"

The two Malachite sisters then sprinted back across the room while the smoke obscured their escape.

"We gotta blast our way out of here now!"

Once the two of them were far enough away from their adversary, they quickly found several seams within the floor panels, which functioned as the main entry ports for the hangar itself. The two of them jumped back and took aim with their rocket launchers.

 _ **-BOOM!-BOOM!-**_

Although the damage would probably be difficult to repair, there was now a decently sized hole in the middle of the floor, big enough for each of them to fit through.

"Do we just jump?" asked Miltia.

"Just remember what Ozpin taught us. We should be fine."

Although Melanie wasn't sure whether she would survive the fall, she made her way toward the gap, and then jumped right in.

She just hoped they could come out of this alive.

* * *

After several minutes of descent, the two of them had finally landed on the fields of western Sparta. The Egg Carrier no longer seemed to be pursuing them, and neither was that giant rat man.

Melanie couldn't help but wonder whether Neon's team was still alive, but it was far more likely that they were dead. Considering that Red Spy had managed to lead their group into a trap, there was no telling what sort of fate had befallen Neon and her team. It was fairly likely that the Neon they saw in the hangar was actually the Red Spy himself.

If only Melanie had recognized that back then.

"What was the point of all that?" lamented her sister. "We didn't fulfill our stupid mission. Russel's dead. Flynt's dead. Everyone is dead except for us! I mean, I actually kinda liked Russel, even if he was a bit of a loony-bin."

Miltiades audibly collapsed onto the ground. "Why does everyone have to keep dying on us?"

"I dunno, Miltia. Let's just try to head back to Beacon and explain what happened."

"Screw Ozpin and his stupid prophesy! We wouldn't have been in this situation if it wasn't for him! Melanie, lets just ditch this quest and settle down in Sparta or Disney World or something!"

"Look, sis, I'm not happy either, but we've gotta tell someone that Russel and Flynt are dead, maybe Neon and those gamers too. Ozpin and Mercury seem like the only people who would give a shit, and I don't really know where we can find Flynt and Neon's families."

"I guess you're right, Mel."

The two of them continued trekking south towards Vale for what seemed like an eternity. Luckily, they had managed to find an abandoned motel down the road, allowing them to jack a pair of motorcycles and ride them for the rest of the way home.

By nightfall, they had managed to reach the outskirts of the Emerald Forest. There seemed to be a few rumors of a skirmish going about along the northern Vale-Spartan border, based on what they heard at a few pit stops along the way, but luckily they were nowhere near that area.

"Well, looks like we're here," said Miltia. "I just hope we remember where the place…"

 _ **-POW!-POW!-POW!-**_

Birds scattered out of trees at the sound of the gunfire.

"What's going on?" Miltia said with a panicked tone.

Melanie looked around, but found no other signs of the disturbance.

"Stay calm, and be careful."

The two girls moved forward with caution. Although they ascended the nearby trees and leaped forth from branch to branch, they made sure to muffle their footsteps with each jump, in case the attackers were anywhere nearby.

So far, there weren't any signs of whoever made the shots.

About midway through, Miltia stopped where she was, and waved over to her sister.

"Wait, Mel!" she mouthed with her lips, "I think I see…"

 _ **-POW!-**_

This time, the shot was louder, and the bullet shattered the branch Miltia was standing on right at the base, causing her to scream as she fell.

A manly voice could be heard, shouting, "Nobody checks for spies like Gaston!"

Someone else spoke up. "Who's there?"

The voice clearly belonged to Bowser.

"Bowser!" Melanie cried out. "What's going on?"

Within seconds, Roman Torchwick, Qrow Branwen, Salt Peters, and some muscular guy in a red tunic holding a smoking rifle appeared from behind the bushes up ahead. Bowser could be seen edging up behind him.

"Well, well, well, fancy meeting you girls here!" said Roman. "I was wondering what happened with your little gig."

Melanie couldn't help but blush at the sight of the dashing criminal mastermind. Even though she knew that lusting after Roman would probably get herself killed one day, she couldn't help but feel herself harden at the sight of his long cane and snazzy white suit. He was probably one of her best paying customers, if only because he paid twenty times as much as everyone else, and his fingers were downright magical. She just had to be careful where they did their business so Roman's crazy psycho girlfriend never found out.

He also had a thing for her twin sister, along with just about every other woman in town, but that didn't really bother her. Business was business after all.

Melanie didn't recognize the guy in the red hunting getup, but he was also fairly decent looking as well, even if he looked like a bit of a douche.

At around this point, Bowser had finally come out from the bushes, but for some reason, he seemed a bit dismayed at the sight of the Malachite sisters.

"So," said Qrow, "you two looking for Professor Ozpin?"

"Maybe," said Melanie.

"We just have something we wanted to tell him," said Miltia.

"Why don't you tell him yourself?"

As soon as he said this, Qrow pulled out Ozpin's severed head from behind his back and threw it at the two girls.

"O-ozpin? Wait… what did you…"

Qrow's face contorted into a rather ominous grin. "Ozpin's dead kids, and so is your friend Mercury. A shame really, he used to be a good friend of mine. But that's what happens when you devote yourselves to a guy who touches little kiddies for fun!"

Qrow Branwen began approaching the two girls, even as the other four demonstrated signs of concern on their faces.

As the elite hunter began to draw out his weapon, Roman stepped forward. "Wait, what are you…"

"Back off, kiddo!"

Qrow slammed his fist right into Roman's chest while casually deflecting several of Gaston's bullets with his blade.

"Shrek is dreck, kids. And since you've been mucking about in Ozpin's onion flavored filth, I'm afraid you two will have to swim with the fishes as well."

* * *

 **A/N: Not sure how I handled the scene between Ironwood and Weiss, as I'm not sure whether or not I've contradicted his previously established characterization for this fic. Also, I wasn't quite sure how to handle the fight on the Egg Carrier, cause there were quite a few different ways it could have played out based on how observant/opportunistic each person in the fight was. I'm not sure whether having the Malachite sisters escape when they did was the best time to go about it.**

 **Also, stuff happens.**

 **Anyway, be sure to stay tuned for more stuff to come!**


	33. Showdown at High Noon

Melanie and Miltiades instantly leaped out of the way as Qrow lunged at them with his fully drawn blade.

"Why are you doing this, Qrow?" Salt pleaded.

"Once you've been with Shrek, you'll always taste like Bleck."

As Melanie soared into the air with her feathered semblance, she saw Qrow's weapon transform into its scythe form.

"Shrek is dreck, kids. Anyone who doesn't agree with me is a fucking scrub."

The great hunter crouched down, and then rushed forward to meet them, clearing everything in his path with his massive scythe. Even though Melanie and Miltiades seemed to have the advantage in mobility for the time being, Qrow was slowly catching up.

"Why won't you girls die?"

With every step he took, the ground caved in underneath, gradually transforming the forest into barren soil and stumps.

"Guys," pleaded Miltia, "somebody help us!"

Everyone else merely watched Qrow's relentless attacks on the Malachite sisters, too scared out of their wits to intervene. Everyone but Gaston, that is, who merely had a dumbass expression on his face.

"You girls don't deserve any mercy," said Qrow. "You think spreading your cute little ass-cheeks for Shrek is okay? Once you've done it with Shrek, you can never be top kek, and I hate Shrek! I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate…"

With every word he said, Qrow's aura of burning hate began to grow around him, until it began to burn the trees nearby. Each word was punctuated by a leap and a swift sweep of his deadly scythe. With every second that passed, Melanie could feel her own death looming ever closer.

 _Is this it?_

Due to Qrow focusing almost solely on Melanie, her sister was able to zip safely out of the effective range of his lame-ass scythe.

"…hate hate hate hate hate Shrek!"

With this last attack, Qrow reached up for an overhead attack, but luckily Melanie was able to swerve out of the way before the blade could hit her, clipping off a portion of her wing. In his descent, his scythe bore deep into the ground below, creating a massive crater spanning at least a tenth the length of the forest.

Even though she was blasting him with all she had, the man seemed to deflect every attack that came his way. Although he didn't seem to have the same nigh invulnerability as Professor Ratigan, Qrow was still quite a foe to be reckoned with.

"Shrek," Melanie whispered to herself, "please help us…"

But what was the likelihood that some magical green ogre would come to their aid? Ozpin and Mercury had been much stronger than the two sisters combined, and yet even they could not take on Qrow's might. Ozpin and Mercury had been far more pious than Melanie and her sister, and yet if Shrek did not come to their aid when they most needed it, why would Shrek come to her aid, when she had doubted Shrek for most of her life?

 _It's all hopeless._

By that point, the energy needed to maintain her semblance had all but faded, and she began to feel the cramps stifle her own movements as she plunged for the ground.

Now completely helpless, Mel saw the great huntsman loom over her.

" _HAHAHAHAHA!_ Shrek? Really? Are you that dumb in the head? A man like Shrek is not worthy of your pathetic devotion! No green ogre is going to save you this time! Shrek is…"

"You've got something to say to me, laddie?"

Right as he heard that voice, Qrow's expression changed from mocking glee to utter horror. "No… It can't be…"

Right on cue, a massive green ogre came sweeping down from the heavens and dive-kicked Qrow Branwen in the face, sending him tumbling over to the edge of the crater. Shortly after, Yang Xiao Long landed nearby as well.

"You better check yourself before you Shrek yourself," said Yang.

"No way," said Roman. "Shrek is real?"

"But…" said Qrow, "You're not even supposed to be alive! The Fairy Godmother took care of you! You're…"

"Like a bat outta hell?" Shrek replied with a wide grin on his face.

"No!" screamed Qrow, baring his Sex Butt before Shrek, "I'm not gonna let you touch me, Shrek! I was supposed to have the biggest penis in all of Remnant, but you had to take that away from me, Shrek! I hate you, Shrek! I will rip out your bones and grind them into fish food! I hate you! I hate you!"

Even as Qrow wailed at the green ogre, Shrek stood calm and serene, and his face took on a hint of sadness that Melanie found quite profound.

"Whatever happened to the love between you and Miss Fall?"

Qrow Branwen let out a great cry. He rushed forth and plunged his scythe into Shrek's smooth but hard skin, but even though it had been forged in the fires of Montezuma's hate and determination, it could not penetrate through all of Shrek's layers. He hacked and he slashed, and with each cut more blood began to spill out, but not even once did the great green ogre budge. Melanie could not help but stare on in awe.

 _Just who is this Shrek guy? And why is he so remarkably handsome?_

Minutes into the fight, a strange, blue-painted phone booth descended from the heavens and landed itself right on the edge of the crater where Yang was now standing. Miltia seemed to have returned as well. During this time, Melanie slowly backed her way out of the clearing to avoid the collateral from Qrow's attacks.

It was very clear from early on that Qrow was no match for the great Ogrelord. Even though Shrek had struck the first blow when he had kicked Qrow in the face, it was abundantly clear that he was holding back, as a kick with such speed and power should have killed Qrow instantly.

"Why the hell won't you just die?"

The fight continued on for what seemed like an eternity. As Qrow's tantrum raged on, it was becoming more and more clear that something was amiss. When Melanie looked at the others' faces, they seemed to be in agreement.

When the thousandth blow came, Shrek grabbed onto Qrow's Sex Butt as it swung by overhead, and then crushed it with his powerful ogre hands.

Qrow dropped down onto his hands and knees upon realizing his defeat. He looked beyond mortified. "I failed…"

But in spite of whatever rumors Melanie had heard about the great Ogrelord, Shrek did not gloat in his victory but instead knelt down and wrapped his arm around Qrow's shoulders as a sign of compassion.

"It's okay, Qrow."

Qrow tried to budge away from the immense ogre, "What do you know? You're just a mean, ugly ogre!"

"Some people have made that remark from time to time, but you know it's not true. Whatever happened to the good old times?"

"There were never any good old times! You barged in when I was trying to have sex with Cinder Fall!"

"Wait, what?" said Roman.

"You know that's not how it actually happened, Qrow. And besides, you did love her, didn't ya?" Shrek replied.

"Shut up! You're just another one of her minions! She's the one behind everything!"

Even as Qrow tried distancing himself from Shrek, Shrek shuffled his way around him, and looked at Qrow deeply in the eyes.

"Do you really feel that way about her?"

At first, Qrow tried to resist, but even his resolve was beginning to break down. "…No, I don't."

"Your feelings and memories have been tainted by the Fairy Godmother's magic love potion. Even with the power of True Love's First Kiss, I do not know if I can heal the wounds lying deep within your soul, for so powerful is the magic of the Fairy Godmother that she has turned this place into a living hellhole. If there is anyone you should be mad at, it is her."

"I… I'm sorry Shrek."

As tears began to well up in Qrow's eyes, Shrek leaned in and gave him a great big ogre hug.

"It's okay, Qrow."

"Oh god," said the great hunter, "I killed my best friend! I fucking killed him! I fucking killed Ozpin all because he believed in you. Oh god, how many people did I kill because they believed in Shrek? Oh god, I'm so sorry, Shrek! I'm so sorry!"

Even with Qrow's incessant sobbing, Shrek continued to hold him tight and patted him on the back. Of all the many things Melanie had heard about Shrek, sentimental was not one of them. Although Roman looked on with relative indifference, Salt and Gaston were both mourning quite visibly. Miltia and Yang watched the scene with apprehension, though Bowser for some reason was nowhere to bee seen.

"Why did I ever abandon you, Shrek?" Qrow lamented.

"It's alright now, my friend. There is nothing that could have been done. What happened, happened. All we can do is make the best of what we've got."

"I'm sorry, Shrek."

"It's okay now. Everything will all be ogre very soon."

The Ogrelord then placed his hand on the top of Qrow's forehead. A soft, golden glow began to radiate out of the master hunter's body.

"Thank you, Shrek."

After a few seconds, the great scythe master collapsed into Shrek's arms, and then fell into a deep, deep sleep.

"Goodnight, my sweet prince."

Shrek kissed Qrow's forehead, and then set his now lifeless body onto the ground.

Out of nowhere, Salt, Gaston, and Miltia began clapping for the great Ogrelord.

"Okay guys," said Roman, "can we cut it with the melodramatics and get going with whatever we were supposed to be doing?"

The moment Roman said this, Gaston slammed the back of his fist into Roman's face, sending him tumbling backwards.

"Ow, what the hell was that for?"

"Do you not have any respect for your fellow man, Master? Can you not see the great tragedy that has befallen Qrow Branwen? Even though he was once our enemy, we must still honor what little dignity and valor he had left in his last moments!"

"But wasn't he…"

Even as Roman tried to retort Gaston's speech, his own Servant lifted him up and smacked him in the face.

"All this time, he was consumed by his own hatred of Shrek, but only now was he finally able to see the light," Miltia reflected. "I guess this really does show that Shrek is one of the good guys."

Melanie considered mentioning that the two of them had barely known Qrow, but now didn't seem like the time to make such remarks. At the very least, they were safe for now.

But now that Ozpin and the Shrek disciples were dead, what would they do now?

After Roman had recovered from his injuries, he stood back up again and said, "Okay, now what the fuck do we do?"

Shrek stood up tall and approached the rest of the group, "Alright, listen up everyone, I need all of you to head straight into the main city. Lord Farquaad and his armies are assembling up north, and soon even this place won't be safe. Find a woman named Cinder Fall, she might be able to help you out. With that Servant of yours, you might be able to take on Prince Charming, but whatever you do, don't try to take on the Fairy Godmother on your own."

"Uh, sure thing," said Melanie, even though she still didn't know who Prince Charming, Lord Farquaad, or the Fairy Godmother were supposed to be.

"You guys can feel free to go on without me, Goldilocks and I still have some unfinished business to take care of." As he said this, Shrek went over and picked up Ozpin's head, and then began wandering off on his own.

"You heard the man," added Yang.

Even though Bowser was still nowhere in sight, the five of them began wading through what was left of the Emerald Forest, less than enthusiastic about returning home to their metaphorical clusterfuck of a city.

* * *

Morning came, and yet there were still no signs of Swain's regiments.

Something seemed to have happened the day before that delayed the estimated time for Swain's incursion. From the looks of the SDC ground surveillance systems, most of Swain's forces were still holed up on Vale's northeastern border, against what appeared to be a fully mechanized horde that had erupted out of Disney World, though a few contingents were now headed for Vale's city borders.

General Jericho Swain was a master tactician, that was true, but General Ironwood had a few tricks up his sleeve as well. From his recent victories on the shore, he had acquired some new tech, and he still had the resources of the company to back him up if things got hairy. And now that the Britannian relief forces had arrived, he could afford to focus almost all his attention on Swain.

And, of course, Ironwood had his own ace in the hole.

 _Weiss Schnee._

He couldn't bring her out too early, not while tensions were so high as they were now. He could not afford to let the other board members know about his most recent capture, especially now that all attention was focused on him.

On the other hand, trying to explain the giant fat man wandering in Vale's industrial districts would be difficult. "Fat Jack" Enoch owned the largest sugar processing plant in Vale, but he showed up in Vale's record books only recently. Currently, he was letting Weiss and her associates use his facilities as a forward operating base, in exchange for a share of the SDC's assets if they proved successful. Luckily, it seemed that almost everyone's attention was focused elsewhere; no one had noticed the giant elephant standing in the middle of the room.

Now, all Ironwood could do was wait for the oncoming storm.

"General!" said one of Ironwood's subordinates as he came in holding a scroll tablet, "We've got bogeys on the north wall!"

"Bring 'em on-screen." General Ironwood originally thought that Swain would try sneaking in from around Beacon, but then again establishing a foothold in Forever Fall, where he could make use of the area's long-abandoned rail networks, also seemed like a decent option.

When the video feed finished loading, what he saw was absolute madness.

"Minions…"

There were a damn near thousand of the yellow bastards, each of them gibbering in their blasphemous, un-American tongue. Even though this was only a fraction of Swain's full forces, there were enough them to give any military strategist worry. Nearly all of them were armed to the teeth, each one of them carrying bazookas, grenades, shotguns, grappling hooks, and all sorts of military surplus gear. Luckily, about a quarter of them were accidentally offing themselves by trying to perform insane grappling hook stunts, otherwise Vale's defense would have been doomed from the start.

They were all being driven in and escorted by tanks, sheep, old grandmas, RED and BLU mercenaries, and factory-made batmobiles. A few of the point defenses remaining on the wall tried thinning the horde, but they were shot down almost instantly.

 _Those chittering bastards!_

In the midst of the swarm of incoherent gibberish, he saw one man stand up from one of the white-painted batmobiles and turn his gaze towards the camera.

"Swain…"

A few seconds later, a blue-dressed, blue-haired girl with a cat's tail appeared next to the master tactician, floating in midair like one of those so-called fairy godparents.

 _Colonel Frederica "Bernie" Sanders._

"That explains a lot."

Ironwood half-wondered how Swain would be able to support an army of Minions without having them gobble up everything, but now that Colonel Sanders was on his side, things made a lot more sense. Bernie could easily supply her army of Minions with an endless supply of free Kentucky Fried Chicken and Single Payer Healthcare, meaning she had a fully effective fighting force that could keep on going for years without running out of steam.

Just as the one called Bane came out of one of the vehicles and started making a speech about some sort of "Great Shrekoning," Ironwood got up and began making his way for the door.

"Have all the forces near the tower on full alert. I'm heading out."

* * *

"Ruby, what are you doing?"

After quickly knocking out the last of the Atlasian soldiers guarding them with the side of her scythe, Ruby yanked her friend by the arm and brought her into the armored transport just outside the abandoned hotel they were in.

"Aren't we supposed to stay here until Ironwood gives the signal?"

"No time!" said Ruby. "We've gotta find and rescue Neo and now is our only chance!"

"I'm sure she can handle herself on her own."

"Weiss, she's been missing for days! I'm worried about her! If we don't go now then… well, you remember what happened to Pyrrha right?"

The heiress paused to think for moment, and then reluctantly accepted. "Fine. Just try not to get us killed, alright."

"You got it!"

Ruby plunged her bio-mechanical limb straight into the gas pedal and began heading straight for Nora's headquarters.

* * *

"Drag racing this early in the morning?"

Even amid the clamor coming from up north, General Ironwood could still hear the thick rumbling of a speeding vehicle somewhere downstream. Usually, street racing was more common around midnight, but he didn't stop to question such an usual occurrence. Such random disturbances were quite common in this city, though that didn't make them any less annoying.

General Ironwood watched from atop his perch over the newly constructed barrier staring down Blind Mice Avenue, flanked by at least five siege tanks, two Paladins fresh out of the factory, and a decently-sized fighting force of his own Atlasian troops and costumed henchmen. Most of the other streets were equally well defended. Furthermore, he had a screen of gunships and leftover Apaches flying by overhead, along with The Monarch's floating fortress, not to mention, he had several missile batteries installed along the river, supplemented by a few of Vale's naval assets.

Barring something completely out of left field, Ironwood would be able to hold his own, even without the help of Nora's enterprise.

Minutes passed, and even with the oncoming storm, the streets were oddly quiet. Watching the skies, Ironwood could see a giant bone-armored dragon Grrm out in the distance, but without a decently sized escort, it would be ripped to shreds the moment it got close.

But for now, all Ironwood had to do was wait.

Sergeant Goldfinger came knocking on the hull of Ironwood's gun emplacement. "General, we've lost contact with 74th squadron!"

Ironwood took a moment to remember where he had placed that group to determine the enemy's likely position, but the answer quickly came to him.

"Goddammit."

"General, sir, what should we do?"

"Let it be for now. The 56th is still operational, right?"

"Last time I checked."

"That will be all, Sergeant Goldfinger."

 _Goddammit. Those two just can't stand still. Looks like keeping Weiss a secret isn't going to be possible any longer._

Not that it was completely detrimental to his plans; it just meant he would have to adapt on the fly. On the other hand, this new info probably explained what he heard earlier. Based on how fast they were going, they would probably be here within a few minutes.

Just then, Swain's forces had arrived.

A large contingent of Minions began to gather at the far end of Blind Mice Avenue, with one of Swain's motorcars leading the way.

"Uh, General," said Goldfinger, "shouldn't you head back inside?"

"I lead my troops from the front."

"But won't you…"

Ironwood instantly turned over and grabbed Goldfinger by the collar.

"Yes, General."

"I'm glad you understand." Ironwood then let the Sergeant down, and let him return to his post.

 _They don't call me Robocop for no reason._

However, just when the enemy was two full blocks away, almost every single Minion in Swain's contingent stopped in place and ceased their gibberish. Even Ironwood was shocked by the Minions' sudden transformation into a fully disciplined regiment. Soon after, the general himself stood out of his car, though something about his movements didn't seem quite right.

"Howdy there, General! Looks like the big battle's gonna start soon, ain't it?"

 _The hell?_

When Ironwood turned to see who was talking, all he saw was a piss-smelling yellow flower with a smile that instinctively made him want to punch it in the face.

"Who the hell are you?"

"The name's Flowey! I just figured I'd…"

"Attention, General Ironwood and company henchmen!" When Ironwood turned back towards his adversary, Swain now seemed to be holding up a megaphone. "For too long our association has been run by an incompetent who prioritizes a petty high school grudge over our company's well-being. Already, her inaction and mismanagement has led us into a multi-front war with hostile powers that will likely lead to Vale's destruction if we don't do something about it. General Ironwood, if we are to avoid any unnecessary bloodshed, I demand that you and your forces stand down so that I may assume full, direct control of the company's affairs."

"You would compromise the safety of our nation so you can fulfill your own power fantasies?" Ironwood retorted, "You are nothing but an usurper, Swain!"

"I am doing what is necessary. The world will not accept peace so long as the Queen still stands in her Castle. Regardless of where your personal feelings may lie, the people still see you as part of that regime."

"And you have the nerve to call yourself the man of the people? I have spent the past week defending Vale's shores from foreign attacks! Ever since I came in office, I have worked to keep this city safe from criminal scum and power-hungry supervillains like you! I have fought to keep every inch of Vale's soil safe from foreign attacks! Where were you when the Fire Nation attacked?"

There was a pause before Swain's next response, and even his own Minions seemed to be awed by Ironwood's statement.

"Listen, Ironwood," said Swain, "I won't deny how much you have served this city, but I do not see any other path to peace. As we speak, the Nazis are assembling in the north, and if we don't have our shit together by the time they come knocking on these walls, we're all fucked. General Ironwood, I once again ask that you stand down so that we may avoid any unnecessary bloodshed. I only need the heads of Nora Valkyrie and a few other loose cannons. If you so wish, you may join me."

General Ironwood still observed his adversary with caution, but then began to think over his remarks. A few of Ironwood's troops began to murmur among themselves.

"You think we should let them in?" one of his soldiers said.

As much as Ironwood respected Swain, and much as their goals aligned, he was still apprehensive about letting Minions run loose in the city, along with letting someone like Bernie on the company board, especially if that meant he would lose funding from the SDC.

Flowey then interrupted the silence, "Hey look, it's Glynda Goodwitch!"

"Goodwitch?"

When Ironwood turned around, he saw Glynda slowly edging her way toward the outer barricade. From what he remembered, she was supposed to have been holed up in what was now Peter Port's secret dungeon, but why anyone would let her out was anyone's guess.

Even though she seemed to have largely recovered from whatever wounds were previously inflicted on her, her eyes still remained devoid of life.

"Well, anyway," said Flowey, "I've gotta get going. It was nice talkin' to ya!"

With that, the talking flower then receded back into the ground.

Ironwood, on the other hand, had more important things on his mind. "Glynda, what are you doing out here?"

With the same, slow, sluggish movements, Glynda continued walking towards Ironwood, her head slightly tilted to the side.

"Glynda?"

Ironwood's former comrade still remained unresponsive. Something was definitely up, but with Swain knocking at the front door, he had to navigate this situation carefully.

Once she was a few feet away, Glynda Goodwitch extended her arm, which seemed to be holding some sort of button trigger connected straight into her stomach.

 _Oh fuck…_

" _Allahu Ackbar…"_

* * *

 **A/N: Hello everyone! I'm sorry if some parts of this chapter might be a bit sappy or melodramatic, but this was kinda how I planned it to be, even if the characters go completely against their canon depiction in the process.**

 **I was originally going to have more things happen in this chapter, but I wasn't able to write up everything in time and this seemed like a good stopping point. I'll probably include some of the stuff I wanted to happen in this chapter into the next chapter. On the other hand, I might be able to expand on some stuff depending on how long it takes me to get to the next main transition points.**

 **So anyway, I hope that fight in the first part didn't end too anti-climatically. As usual, I look forward to your continued readership. Ciao!**


	34. The Master Tactician

"Alright Weiss," said Ruby, "just a few blocks…"

 _ **-KABOOM!-**_

Without warning, the vehicle shot up from underneath the two of them and began spinning forward. Their ears began ringing from the explosion, and when the car reached its highest point in midair, their heads bumped into the hood. In spite of the explosion, the car seemed to remain mostly intact.

"Weiss, we've gotta get out now!"

"Okay." Due to the numbing pain in her head, Weiss allowed Ruby to pull her out of the car.

As Ruby struggled to pull out her Big Dick, the hobo heiress grabbed on tight.

 _ **-BOOM!-BOOM!-**_

With Ruby's swift action, the two of them had managed to land safely on one of the buildings nearby.

Still struggling from pain, Weiss slowly got up and looked from atop the building's edge.

"What the hell happened?"

Explosions erupted as far as the eye could see, though many buildings still remained inexplicably intact. Almost of the nearby streets had burst open, revealing the sewage networks underneath. Every so often, Minions and military hardware went flying as the explosions began to spread farther north.

From here, the two of them had a good view of Nora's company headquarters, or what was left of it anyway. In spite of the initial explosion wiping out the bottom twelve floors of the building, the rest of the tower remained floating in midair. Much of what was presumed to be Ironwood's defenses had been reduced to rubble, along with most of his Atlasian contingents and armored vehicles. Above ground, however, a giant metal beehive still remained afloat, though the initial explosion seemed to have taken a sizable chunk out of it.

"I just hope Neo wasn't still in there…"

However, during her partner's lament, Weiss saw movement within some of the rubble.

"I think Ironwood's still alive!"

"Right," said Ruby.

Just as Ruby readied her war scythe, Weiss hopped onto Ruby's back once more.

 _ **-BOOM!-**_

The two of them went flying over the next apartments over. In spite of the mass destruction that occurred, there still seemed to be a large number of Minions still alive, crying over their lost brethren.

Once they had landed, Weiss ran over to the rubble. "Ironwood, are you alright?"

"Just help me with this."

Ironwood's mechanical arm seemed to be struggling with pushing some of the rocks right next to him. As soon as Weiss brought her partner over, the two of them began shifting some of the rubble.

"We should probably head back to the base and regroup once we're done with this," said Weiss.

Weiss couldn't help but wonder who was responsible for all this destruction, though, knowing how much of a dunce Nora could be, it was probably her.

Within seconds, the two of them had managed to extract Ironwood from the rubble, though much of his limbs had been crushed in the process.

"Thank you," said Ironwood. "Now then, lets…"

" _Ufufufufufufu…_ Why, isn't this just the most adorable thing ever?"

The three of them heard a soft whooshing noise, and the witch known as Beatrice materialized high up in midair several feet away. Somewhere behind her, some black-robed magician was tearing away at the giant beehive fortress with purple lasers.

"You…" said Ironwood. "This was never meant to be your fight."

"What, you boys thought you could have fun without me? I _live_ on this kind of senseless destruction! _UAHAHAHA…!"_

 _ **-BOOM!-**_

The witch simply swerved out of the way of Ruby's attack.

"Well," said Ruby, "that didn't work."

"Grrr… You idiot! You dare interrupt the magnificent speeches of the great and powerful Beatrice?"

"Who the fuck are you again?" asked Weiss.

While flicking her magic wand into existence, the witch replied, "Are you girls seriously this mentally deficient?"

"Well," said Ruby, "you are kinda from a series that most people haven't really read before. I mean, most people will probably recognize Sanic, Bowser, Bane, and some of the Disney characters, but I don't think anyone has heard of Umineko before."

"Ruby, what the hell are you talking about?" said Weiss.

"Seriously," said Ironwood, "you watch way too much anime."

"But don't you guys realize that anime and video games are real?" Ruby replied. "Anyway, we beat you twice, and we can beat you again!"

"Kuhuhuhuhuhu… Well isn't this just darling? Do you really think you have the strength to challenge me once again? Besides, the only reason you were ever victorious was through the help of your petty little acquaintances. In case you haven't noticed, Yang is dead, your Disney friends aren't here, and your little circle of friends shrinks day by day as my power grows ever stronger."

"Oh yeah?" said Ruby. "Well Weiss was able to take down Gandhi!"

"Yeah!" said Weiss.

"Regardless," said Beato, "my point still stands. You have absolutely no chance at victory. _ALL OF VALE WILL BE ENGULFED IN THE FIRES OF HELL AND SOON THE WHOLE WORLD SHALL FOLLOW. ALL OF REMNANT SHALL BE SACRIFICED FOR THE GREATER GLORY OF ALL THAT IS CRUEL AND WICKED, FOR I AM THE GREATEST WITCH IN ALL…"_

"Not if I've got something to say about it."

A white-coated batmobile circled around the corner of Cotton Street, followed by a flatbed trailer truck carrying a trio of sentry guns. Standing in the back seat of the batmobile was the master tactician himself.

Ironwood looked on in shock. "Swain? But how…"

"A master tactician is always five steps ahead of the game." He then held up a mike to his mouth area. "All units, proceed with phase two of the operation."

As the sentry guns began to take aim at Beatrice, the Red Engineer driving the truck poked his head out the window. "Looks like we're gonna be makin' bacon!"

 _ **-BEEP!-BEEP!-FSHOO!-TCHTCHTCHTCHTCH…!-**_

Through swift aerial maneuvers and red barrier shields, the gold-haired witch was able to dodge most of the incoming fire, but the sentry guns were steadily locking onto her. "Errrrgh… Caster, get over here this instant!"

"With pleasure."

On her master's signal, the flying elf wizard swept down over to the Engineer's truck, holding up a purple-sigil spell shield. More circles began to form behind her as she prepared to blast the truck to pieces.

"Weiss, should we…"

But before Ruby could finish, a bluish blur descended down upon Caster from the skies above, wielding a gigantic blue laser scythe.

" _NIPAH MOTHERFUCKER!"_

With her scythe which dispelled all illusions, the girl otherwise known as Colonel Bernie Sanders shattered Medea's shield instantly and just barely missed her nose. Almost simultaneously, Swain had jumped from his car and began ready to deploy one of his signature rooting circles.

"As I was saying before, I'm five steps ahead of ya."

"Caster, to me!"

In a fit of panic, Beato used one of her command scrolls to recall her servant. Although Swain's Nevermore had missed its target, he calmly turned back around as if nothing had happened.

Even though the hood of his truck had been crushed under the impact of Bernie's fall, the Engineer merely stepped out and dusted off his pants. "Appreciate it, partner!"

The blue-haired girl didn't seem to respond to the Engineer's remark. After spawning a Minion to hold onto her scythe, she whipped out two M240 machine guns and aimed them up high, even though she couldn't have been older than ten.

" _FEEL THE BERN, BITCHES!"_

As Bernie fired upon the two witches, several manholes nearby shot up, and many Minions began climbing out of them.

During this time, Judge Frollo had materialized beside Weiss, watching the chaos in the skies. "The stench of witchcraft lingers in the air. Shall I cleanse this earth of these foul heathens?"

"Nah," said Weiss, "we might need you later. Besides, they're just minor villains anyhow."

Right about then, one of the Minions in the square had let out a great cry of "JIHAD!" prompting many others to soon follow.

"Anyway," said Ruby, "we've gotta find a way to get up that tower! Maybe we can climb the rubble over there."

Over by the rubble formed by the beehive fortress, several goons dressed as butterflies began to climb out.

"Do you think they'll be able to help us?" asked Frollo.

"Maybe," said Weiss. "Say Ruby, do you think you can contact Gendo at the base?"

"Okay!" Ruby promptly whipped out her scroll and began typing the number for Gendo's cell.

In the meantime, now that the two witches in the sky were no longer threatening them, Ironwood slowly trudged over to Jericho Swain. "Good timing there, Swain, but how are you still alive after what just happened?"

"That was just a dummy I sent forth. I anticipated something like this would happen, so I took ample precautions. Besides, you're not…"

"Howdy boys and girls!"

A set of vines sprouted out of the ground and then suddenly ripped Ironwood's body in half.

"Ironwood!" shouted Ruby. "Look… out…"

But by the time Ruby tried to warn Ironwood, it was already too late.

Flowey emerged fully from the ground, and then turned to face Weiss, Ruby, and Frollo, with General Swain seemingly frozen in place. "Y'all lookin' fer your friend Neo?" With one of his green appendages, Flowey pulled Neo's rotting head out of nowhere and then tossed it over to the two girls. "Well there she is, courtesy of Lady Beatrice."

All three of them looked on in shock as they saw Neo's blood-matted, mutilated head roll toward them.

"Oh god…" said Weiss.

While watching this horror, time had seemed to stop around them. In the far distance, Bernie's bullets had seemed to stop in place, and everyone but the renegade flower, Weiss, Ruby, and their servant had stopped moving.

"Holy shit, she killed Neo!" Ruby added. "She killed the fucking narrator!"

"Wait, but, how do we know that? She's just a minor villain, right? And besides, how do we know this flower guy didn't kill her?"

"Do you think he'd lie about something like that?"

During this, vines began to creep towards Ruby's feet, but Frollo simply plunged his blade through it.

"Ow!" said the flower, "what gives? You know what? Screw it!"

Flowey's face then contorted into a near demonic grin as vines instantly shot up out of the ground and plunged through Frollo.

" _DIE!"_

As Flowey flung Frollo's body to the ground, the two girls looked on in shock.

"I think now is a good time to run," said Ruby.

"Ditto."

But as the girls began to step away, Judge Frollo pushed himself off the ground.

"But… how did you survive that? Goshdangit, what in tarnatation do I do?"

"As a servant of the lord, I am a man most just and righteous. I shall not be slain but such heathen imbeciles as you! Begone from this earth, foul demon!"

As Frollo moved in for an overhead swing, Flowey descended back into the ground. Everything around them, which had been suspended in animation while Flowey had been present, had now continued in its natural course.

"What the… well damn," said Swain. "Where the hell is a necromancer when you need one?"

"Swain!" said Ruby, "there's an evil renegade flower on the loose and his name is Flowey!"

"Oh. Anyway, now that we have a common enemy in Nora and this witch, I do hope we can put our previous grievances behind us."

"Right," said Weiss. "Why are we trusting this guy again?"

"Well, now that he's fighting against Nora and the Fairy Godmother, he's one of the good guys now!" Ruby replied.

"Even though he's tried to kill us?"

"I was only doing what was required of me, even though I myself had objected to the mission." He then turned to Weiss. "Does your friend always sound like a crack-headed conspiracy theorist?"

"Pretty much," said Weiss.

"You guys should really see this battle that's going on," said Ruby. "There's so many lasers and machine fire going around! It's a shame the writer's too lazy to actually describe everything that's happening."

Weiss simply rolled her eyes at Ruby's inane banter. Looking at the firefight happening right before them, there was so much crossfire and Minion mayhem that it was a miracle that nothing had threatened the four of them. Sometime during the fight, Cinder Fall had swooped in on her giant dragon and spawned in a bunch of griffon-Grrm. Gwonam, Link, and Aladdin had also joined in on the fight, and were making potshots at the two witches. It was only because Beato kept spawning in machine gun towers and goat-demons, whose corpses repeatedly crushed the endless Minion waves, and the sheer firepower of the two witches that the fight was anywhere near even.

Ruby, in the meantime, was trying to get the attention of Gwonam and Cinder, but they were too busy trying to no-scope the two witches to pay attention to them.

"So," said Ruby, "you think there's any way we can revive Neo?"

"Honestly, I think she's dead for good," replied Weiss.

* * *

Nora Valkyrie watched as the great battle proceeded from atop her highest tower. Even though the company headquarters was no longer attached to the ground, there were still a series of anti-gravity devices installed in its core similar to that used by the Amity Colosseum years ago.

"Wow, Beato's getting her ass kicked down there. I just hope she's gonna be alright."

Even though her bombs had put a large dent in the surrounding area, Swain's army was for the most part intact. Maybe she shouldn't have let Beato put bombs underneath the company headquarters where Ironwood's army was positioned, but she kinda wanted to see the big explosions so that's why she agreed to it. Nora liked big explosions.

And, even more worryingly, Weiss the Hobo was in plain sight, and nobody was doing anything about it, aside from Flowey of course, but then he got surprise-butt-Shreks by Mister Frollo, who was a mean old man who didn't like the pancakes.

Nora then heard Winter's footsteps come up from behind her. "You needn't worry yourself over this battle, Miss Sloth Queen. Have faith in the Golden Witch's capabilities."

"Yeah, but she's like outnumbered five-thousand-to-one, and even my sexy Dio Brando-like vampire powers would have trouble against those odds."

Even though she was somewhat of a fan of the _Jojo's Bizarre Adventure_ children's cartoon series and she liked how cool Dio Brando was and how he interfered in every video game plot like Ganon, she still didn't have any super-special timey-wimey powers, so she had to resort to hiring Flowey for that. On the other hand though, she still had Gilgamesh and Maleficent at her disposal, and she still hadn't used up any of her command scroll thingies, even though she still wasn't sure how Servants and crap were supposed to work.

However, now more than ever seemed like the time to put those powers to work.

Nora raised the hand with her command scrolls, but then was stopped by Winter.

"Have faith in her abilities, my dear. As fickle as she is, I'm sure she has a plan for this sort of thing."

Even so, Weiss, Swain and their compatriots were steadily gaining ground, and soon Hitler would be coming to town if they didn't finish things up quick.

Nora wrested her arm out of Winter's grasp, and brought it before her.

"Miss Valkyrie, what are you doing?"

"I'm sorry Winter, I've gotta do this. Gilgamesh, to me!"

As one of the command scrolls dissipated from the back of her hand, the golden-haired King of Kings appeared before her.

"What is it this…"

"I'm sorry Gilgamesh…" Before Gilgamesh could make use of his Gates or legendary sword, Nora drove her fingers into the back of his neck.

"Ghhh…"

"Nora!" Winter shouted.

As Gilgamesh's life force began to enter her through her fingertips and his body became nothing more than a dried-out husk, Nora felt herself growing stronger and stronger.

"Farewell Servant," said Nora as she held Gilgamesh's dying husk in her arms. "It was _charming_ to be with you."

* * *

Beatrice and her Caster Servant zipped through the air as millions of projectiles came flying at them, and it was only thanks to their status as witches that they were able to fight on relatively unscathed.

And yet, even with her boundless magical powers, Beatrice was still on the defensive.

 _How long must I keep up this charade?_

As much fun as she was having in this fight, it was in truth only a distraction from her unending boredom. She didn't really give a crap about Weiss or her quarrel with Nora Valkyrie, so long as she fulfilled her obligations to the Fairy Godmother, she would do whatever task was necessary.

Of course, Weiss and her friends were merely a poor-woman's substitute for the true object of her desire.

 _How long must I hold this line until you finally come to save the day, Battler-kun?_

She had seen death many times in the past, and with each one her memories grew foggier. Yet even after she had given herself to the sea, she was offered one more chance. In the midst of her death throes, the Fairy Godmother appeared before her, and offered to grant her heart's true desire.

How could she resist, after she had just lost all hope and care in the world?

The Fairy Godmother then brought her into this world, which the locals called Remnant. Unlike the island from which she came, where reason and rationality could deny magic itself, here magic and powerful onion odors permeated the lands, to the point where not even the Endless Nine could dispel it. Thanks to the Fairy Godmother and her magical aid, along with the help of Flowey and Caster, her powers were now truly boundless.

With this in mind, not even the esteemed Lady Bernkastel or her Minions had the power to truly oppose her. With the Fairy Godmother by her side, she could enact whatever cruel deeds she wished.

And yet, why was she still losing this fight?

She didn't always make the right moves in the grander scheme of things, as she always liked spicing things up to make things more interesting. Still, without the natural checks to her power in place, she was arguably one of the most powerful cohorts in Nora's company.

Yet, she had lost every battle against Weiss and her crew.

After her first taste of blood, Beato had long lost track of how many people she had killed, even if many of them were only of marginal importance. Perhaps things would be better off if she were simply dead, but so long as she had a chance of achieving happiness, she would continue to fight on, no matter how pointless it seemed.

 _When will you finally grant us our happily ever after, Fairy Godmother?_

Just at that moment, a window had shattered from high up the company tower, and in her moment's distraction, a bullet grazed through her arm.

Nora Valkyrie was descending rapidly, with Ea in her arms and Maleficent and Lie Ren trailing close behind.

 _Help at last…_

But almost just as suddenly, the three of them disappeared from existence, as if the entire thing had been a mirage.

 _Oh…_

Beatrice turned back to the battle at hand, and now that she was truly isolated, an idea flashed into her head.

"Medea, the ritual!"

Even though she was at least several hundred feet away, her Caster Servant understood the command. For the past several days, Beatrice and her lowly servants had been working ceaselessly to prepare her final trump card. If she could pull it off, nothing would stop her from securing total victory.

Now, it was only a matter of whether Flowey would be able to distract her enemies long enough for the ritual to work its magic, though there was still one _other_ person she could make use of.

* * *

In the flash of an instant, the tides of battle suddenly changed, and the skies up above began to darken.

Though barely visible from the ground, the golden witch's face formed a malevolent grin.

 _"Kuhuhuhuhu…"_

With a flick of her wand, a void formed in the space right next to Beato, and out from it came an all too familiar Playboy bunny girl, his time wearing her traditional huntsman outfit.

"Velvet?" Weiss and Ruby said in unison.

With a quick examination of her surroundings, Velvet Scarlatina spun in midair, dodging nearly all the bullets that came soaring towards her master. Using the combined powers of her weapon and semblance, an umbrella made out of light blue lasers formed in her hands. Now imbued with the properties of Neopolitan's signature weapon, it deflected every single bullet that came towards her.

Although one of Cinder's arrows instantly disintegrated upon contact, several of Gwonam's sniper rounds came right back at him, piercing straight through his gun and gouging him right in the eye.

"Ughhhh…"

Gwonam slumped off his magic carpet, when then began to spiral out of control. Luckily, Aladdin was able to take grab of the reins before it could crash, though Link had instinctively grapple-hooked onto one of the buildings surrounding the square.

As soon as Weiss and her partner had realized what was going on, panic struck their faces.

"Okay, now we're fucked."

"What do we do now?" said Ruby. "How are we supposed to fight someone who's as good as Neo?"

Weiss drew out both Myrtenaster and her lightsaber in preparation for the upcoming battle. "Guess we just have to try at least. We survived so far, right?"

"I completely forgot she was in this story."

Even as more transports and minions were filing into the square, almost everyone was startled by the sudden reappearance of Velvet Scarlatina, especially now that her replica of Neo's umbrella was rapidly tearing through their ranks. Even General Swain, who was usually calm in these sorts of situations, was visibly shocked. At the same time, a large television screen began to slowly emerge from the ground, along with several thick, over-sized vine shoots, but most people were too focused on the witches and Velvet to notice this.

" _BEHOLD FOOLISH MORTALS, THE TRUE POWER OF AN ENDLESS WITCH! AND IF YOU INCOMPETENT NITWADS THINK I'M DONE, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE FULL EXTENT OF MY TRUE POWERS! AS THE MOST POWERFUL WITCH IN ALL EXISTENCE, I SHALL SUMMON THE MOST POWERFUL WARRIOR THAT MANKIND HAS EVER KNOWN, PUN-PUN! UAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

Swain looked on above in absolute horror. "Dear god, no…"

" _NOOOOOOOOOO!"_ cried Ruby.

Even though Weiss had never heard of Pun-Pun before, based on the way everyone was reacting, she could tell this guy was bad news. A combined red-purple barrier formed around the two witches, and a glowing binding circle formed underneath them.

The two witches then locked hands with each other. _"CASTER,"_ said Beatrice, _"BRING OUT THE RULE BREAKER!"_

The Heroic Spirit brought out her enchanted dagger and then bound the two witches' magical energies via a blood pact. By virtue of complicated summoning processes that would require paragraphs to explain along with liberal interpretation of any rule books involved, additional, fully functioning clones of both Beatrice and Medea began to spawn within the protected shell.

"How the fuck are they doing that?" asked one of the goons dressed like a butterfly.

Almost simultaneously, Flowey in his super-form had emerged fully from the ground below, with Velvet landing on his new TV-monitor head soon after.

"Oh my god, Weiss! You're here!"

But shortly after Velvet had landed, the screen underneath her came to life. _**"EHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"**_

The giant super-flower opened fire upon the surrounding mob.

"Girls, take cover!"

As Link came swerving around to Weiss and Ruby's position, he held out his shield, using it to protect the girls from the incoming machine gun fire and flames. Simultaneously, Weiss had conjured up a glyph to protect them, but it ultimately proved unnecessary.

As this was happening, Bernie, taking a break from her relentless machine gun fire, grabbed Swain by the arm, and then teleported him up onto the top of the building just behind Weiss's group.

"Fuck it," said Swain. "Get Archer right now!"

Although Weiss could not fully see what was happening on the roof above, the situation was growing ever more dire.

"Shit, where the hell is Gendo and Adam?"

"How the fuck should I know?"

By this point, the Engineer's truck and sentry gun setup had been completely totaled, and the Minions were panicking as they were being shredded by the hundreds. While Cinder and her dragon were alive and kicking, Flowey had begun directing his attacks towards her, even as she tried to keep his tentacles at bay with her fire powers. Up on the roof, Swain now seemed to be directing his troops to regroup and prepare for another attack.

If only they had some other way to deal with this.

"Weiss, look out!"

"Huh," said Weiss as she looked to where Ruby was pointing.

Just then, while Flowey was busy eradicating most of Swain's army, Velvet was making a mad dash toward them.

 _ **-POW!-POW!-**_

Due to the bunny girl's acrobatic finesse, both of Ruby's shots missed. Yet just as Velvet was about to front-flip over Link, Aladdin rushed in to intercept her, pulling one of his thief daggers back for a spinning attack.

" _ **DIDNEY WORL!"**_

Even with Velvet's enhanced reflexes from absorbing Neo's Batman fighting techniques, Aladdin was able to meet her blow for blow, almost managing to sweep the copied umbrella out of her arms.

Yet, just as Ruby, Weiss and Frollo were about to step into the fight, Velvet did a few back-flips back, and then held out her umbrella to keep her distance.

"Oh yeah?" said Velvet. "Well I like trains, bitch!"

Just then, Donald from _Thomas the Tank Engine_ came in from completely out of nowhere and slammed into Aladdin at over three-hundred miles an hour.

"You can't stump my Donald trump card!"

Even though half of the city was in ruins and dying, gamers throughout the country cheered at how much of an MLG pro-gamer Velvet was.

"Now that your pathetic little servant boy is dead, _YOU WILL BE MINE WEISS-SEMPAI! YOU WILL ROT IN MY LAIR OF SEXY GOODNESS AS I GIVE YOU ALL THE HUGGIES AND CUDDLIES AND SEXY TIMES! YOU WILL SERVE ME AS MY OWN PERSONAL SEX SLAVE AND EAT NOTHING BUT MILK AND CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES UNTIL YOU SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME! KYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

"Did Velvet…"

Before Weiss could finish her statement, Link stepped forward and drew out his master sword. "Well excuse me, princess, but you're gonna have to get through me before laying a hand on my friends!"

"Indeed," said Frollo. "Your skills and techniques are not your own, for you are nothing more than a wretched copy-cat."

" _AHAHAHAHAHA…!"_

In the midst of her laughter, the ground suddenly shook, causing almost everyone nearby to fall over.

"What was that?" asked Weiss.

At first, she thought it might have had something to do with the ritual up above, but even with the dozens of Beato and Medea clones stuffed into the compact barrier, nothing significant seemed to have changed, and the amount of ordinance unloaded at the shield wasn't enough to make any serious dents in it.

But then, when Weiss looked south, she saw Enoch's giant figure stumbling towards the square, carrying what appeared to be a nuclear submarine in his arms. The sub itself seemed to have a number of glowing blue lines on it. Furthermore, there also seemed to be some blue blob with a hand-axe sitting on the man's shoulder, wearing a horned viking helmet.

"We're saved!" said Ruby.

"Good golly!" said Flowey, "How much Burger King did you eat big guy? Holy tartar sauce, you're fatter than Fat Jack, and that's saying something!"

Enoch did not seem perturbed by the evil flower's remarks, for he kept on moving towards the square, ready to smack the submarine right into the flower's face.

As the giant slowed his momentum, the little blue blob leaped off his shoulder, and prepared to smash his axe into Flowey's TV screen face.

"MAC'S DEATH WILL BE AVENGED! EAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!"

But when Blooregard Q. Kazoo was about three-quarters of the way down, Flowey instantly shot him out of the sky, and then aimed his vine-like tentacles at Enoch.

" _ **EHAHAHAHAHA! NOW DIE, FAT MAN!"**_

Omega Flowey then unloaded his arsenal upon the lumbering giant, but Enoch was so fat that none of Flowey's bullets could penetrate through him or do any damage, and Enoch's sweat glands instantly doused any flames that glazed his skin.

"Oh, oh sweet Jesus! You're even fatter than Dr. Eggman!"

Just as Enoch was about to smash the submarine into Flowey's face, it transformed to reveal some sort of strange, experimental speaker-like setup.

"Well, this certainly is an interesting development," said the giant man.

As Enoch began to examine his new weapon, Ruby turned to the others and said, "Guys, we can use Fat Jack as a shield against all the machine gun fire!"

"Great idea!" said Link.

However, just as the four of them began to run towards Enoch, Velvet moved to intercept them.

"I won't let you get away, Weiss-sempai!"

As Ruby and Link moved to encircle the mad rabbit, Weiss conjured up one of her glyphs in an attempt to freeze Velvet in place, but Velvet simply danced out of the way and moved in to shank Ruby in the gut.

"Ruby!" cried Weiss.

Luckily, before Velvet could finish her attack, Frollo jumped in front of Ruby and deflected Velvet's laser umbrella with his own Valyrian sword.

"Go on ahead," said Frollo. "I'll handle this."

Now that they were free to move, Ruby, Weiss and Link sprinted over towards Enoch, who was still absorbing blows from Flowey's attacks.

"Yes, I think I understand how this weapon works now."

Enoch lowered the experimental submarine and aimed it at the giant renegade flower below, but just when he was about to fire, Nora Valkyrie, Maleficent, and a robo-sloth suddenly appeared right above Enoch's head, diving straight towards it.

Nora, in particular, was holding Gilgamesh's most sacred, ancestral sword, Ea.

Weiss noticed this all too late. "Oh…"

 _ **-KAPLOOOSH!-**_

Enoch's body exploded in a bloody, fat-laden mess that flowed throughout all of Vale's city streets, for not even Jack's fat could protect him against Gilgamesh's sacred ancestral sword.

For a minute, Weiss could neither see nor breathe as the tidal wave washed over her, though she could vaguely hear the metal clang of the submarine somewhere in the distance.

Although she wasn't quite sure where Ruby and Link had gone, she could vaguely see Cinder's dragon high up in the skies, raining fire and Grrm down upon Omega Flowey.

" _AHAHAHAHAHA!"_ The laughter of the now hundreds of Beato clones rang throughout the city, irritating Weiss even further.

Weiss propped herself up with Myrtenaster and slowly walked back to the corporate headquarters, spitting out Enoch's guts as she went. Off in the skyline, one of Archer's Noble Phantasm attacks struck the floating shield barrier, but barely made a mark. Flowey and Velvet were now beginning to focus their attacks on the dragon in the sky, which was now starting to go down quickly.

 _Just gotta live through this._

Ruby, Link, and Frollo were nowhere to be seen, and even though the site of the impact was clearly visible, she could not find Nora either.

Weiss never expected that her own petty feud with Nora would ever reach such cataclysmic levels of destruction. Already, so many of her comrades had died, and so many others had gotten caught up in the crossfire. Still, she would fight on regardless.

" _NOW,"_ said the witches. _"YOU SHALL SEE THE TRUE STRENGTH OF REMNANT'S ULTIMATE LIFEFORM! EYAHAHAHAHA!"_

In that very moment, the shield barrier expanded, and the many witch clones spread out to reveal a simple kobold standing in the center, carrying a hooked staff and wearing simple mage's robes.

"Need some help there, young maiden?"

A deep, masculine voice resounded from the building behind the heiress to her right. There, she saw Gaston, Roman, two random hookers, and one of Junior's old goons.

 _Well, at least he didn't call me a hobo._

"Alright," said Weiss, "I don't know how much help you'll be, but do you think you can do something about that magic barrier up ahead? Something bad's gonna happen if we don't do something about it."

"No problem, Miss Schnee!"

Gaston lifted up his rifle and took aim at the cluster of witches.

 _ **-POW!-POW!-POW!-**_

Seconds had passed, and out of sheer dumb luck, all three bullets had punctured through the shield, shattering it completely.

" _WHAAAAT?"_ cried the Beatos.

The red-dressed hunter blew at the end of his gun's barrel. "Nobody quick-scopes like Gaston!"

As Gaston prepared to take aim once again, all the witch clones began to panic, trying to conjure up another barrier before Gaston could blow it away again.

However, equally unexpectedly, a giant, Gurren-Lagann-Robot-Mecha-Shrek with a giant TV screen for a face flashed into existence, and then propped out an ogre-sized drill from its right arm.

As the drill began whirring up, Adolf Hitler's face flashed onto the screen.

" _YOU SHALL NOT ENCROACH ON HELL'S HOLY REICH ANY LONGER! GIGA-DRILLL-BREEEEEAAAAAAAK!"_

The many Beato and Medea clones tried to escape from Hitler's drill attack, but through the power of Hitler's sheer will and determination, his drill had pierced through them all. Although Weiss could barely see from where she was at, Pun-Pun too looked up in horror, and his whole body was shredded into a million pieces before he could call upon Pazuzu for aid.

Shortly thereafter, the flying mech swerved around and then drove straight for Omega Flowey.

"Fiddlesticks…"

Flowey too was torn apart, despite being in his super form.

"Who does he think he is?" cried Gaston. "Trying to steal all my kills when it was I who would kill the beast!"

Now that the area seemed to be safe, Weiss began running towards the central square. Minions and henchmen alike had drowned in the great flood, but Weiss did not have time to mourn over their deaths.

Even though Weiss had a rough idea how much of a bad man Hitler was, perhaps he could be reasoned with.

Once Weiss got up close, the top of the mech's cockpit opened up, and out from it stood Hitler himself, holding up a large megaphone.

"Puny Vale citizens, I have saved you from the terror of the witches and their evil Fairy Godmother. As rightful payment for my services, this Kingdom shall now be incorporated into the Greater German Reich! All your bases are belong to us! All those who oppose my benevolent dictatorship and all citizens of inferior races will face summary execution!"

At that moment, the great German dictator turned his attention towards Weiss Schnee.

"Like dirty, stinky, rotten, onion-smelling hobos!"

* * *

 **A/N: Well, somehow I managed to fit in everything I wanted to cover in this chapter. I probably could've managed the fight a bit better, though it's kinda difficult to keep track of everything when a million different things are going on at once. Been planning on writing this scene for a while, though I didn't really work out the details until now.**

 **Anyway, I might've made use of some material from asdfmovie or whatever that series is called, but the setup was just too good to pass up. I just figured I'd mention it here in case I forget to mention it in the final disclaimer, which I'll write once I'm finally done with this.**

 **Velvet entering the fight was kinda a spur-at-the-moment thing, especially since I didn't really have any plans for her for the rest of the fic, but now that her powers and stuff have been revealed, I figured I'd make good use of them.**

 **Now that the RWBY finale has come out, I'd figure I'd say a few things. I think it's pretty clear that the Weiss the Hobo continuity diverges sometime before the incident at the Amity Colosseum happens, as otherwise Pyrrha would not be in this fic. Also, I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say that Salem is not going to appear in this story. Even though she would be a great candidate for being the Fairy Godmother, this story is far too deep in its progression to introduce someone of her importance. It would just come completely out of nowhere, even though characters do tend to make dynamic entries in this story. Not sure if I'm gonna make use of Ruby's new Silver Eyes power, as we haven't really seen how she fights while in this form.**

 **Anyway, this chapter was quite a trainwreck, train jokes aside. For those of you reading this, I hope you've enjoyed this chapter and be sure to stay tuned, cause we're getting ridiculously close to the end of this story.**


	35. The Evilest Man in the World

"Weiss!"

The heiress then heard Ruby's voice call out from behind her as she came running out from one of the streets nearby. Luckily, the flood of Enoch's blood hadn't done anything to Ruby's biomechanical limbs.

 _"RAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!"_

Even though Hitler's cockpit was still open, he slammed down on one of the levers below, and his drill-mech came speeding down the lane straight for Weiss and Ruby.

"Ruby, look out!"

Weiss dove straight into her partner as Hitler's mech missed them by just an inch. As it skidded by, Weiss could hear the clink of Gaston's rifle shots, but they didn't seem to do any damage on the Führer's robot.

"You think your puny bullets will be enough to stop me? I have conquered all of Hell for Pete's sake, and I have slain every last one of the characters in Undertale, even Alphys and that stupid, annoying mutt! You are nothing to me!"

A pair of missile launchers shot out from the mech's shoulders, and with the press of a button, each one fired a live Klansman at Roman's crew on the roof.

"The South shall rise again!" the two live missiles said before exploding on the roof.

Luckily, Roman, his Servant, and everyone else had managed to jump out of the way before the Klan missiles hit, and the building itself was reduced to rubble.

During this time, Weiss and her partner were making their way down the street, where they were able to join up with Frollo. Velvet was also present, though she seemed to have been knocked out cold, and she no longer had a replica of Neo's umbrella.

Adolf Hitler then returned his attention to the fleeing girls. _"STALIN!"_

A Soviet T-10, which had attached itself to the back of the robot-mecha-Shrek, whirred to life. "You called, Komrade Hitler?"

"After them!"

Although Weiss and her friends could not see this from where they were standing, Stalin's T-10 sprung off the back of Hitler's robot and began chasing following Weiss's team down the street.

"Let's get to the roof!" said Ruby.

Leaving Velvet alone for the time being, Ruby, Weiss, and Frollo used their powers and weaponry to ascend the abandoned building right next to them, way above whatever angle Stalin's tank could reach.

"You think that is enough to defeat me, silly Americans?" said Stalin. "Ohohohoho! You have no idea of the true extent of my sexiness!"

Just then, several secret hatches opened up on the sides of Stalin's tank, and several hobo-seeking missiles shot out from it. As Weiss's team scrambled to dodge them, the main hatch on the tank's turret opened up to reveal Josef Stalin himself, dressed in nothing but a commissar's cap and a tight-fitting bikini. The Soviet ruler then struck a dynamic pose, showing off his manly physique by flexing his muscles. Even though there was barely any light shining through the skies above, Stalin's skin shone brilliantly, and every single one of his chest hairs sparkled from his sheer manliness and charismatic sexuality.

"Should I be worried for my own sexuality now?" Ruby asked.

"Why would you be worried about that now of all times?" Weiss replied.

"I dunno, I thought I was supposed to be asexual or weapon-sexual, but now I'm not so sure."

Several of Stalin's missiles plunged into the roof they were standing on, prompting the three of them to leap three buildings over.

"Weiss," said Ruby, "let's get back to base so I can hop a ride in Blake."

Weiss didn't see anything immediately wrong with the idea, as they could also use Adam, Arslan, and Daryun's help, along with the Mario brothers' assistance.

 _Why haven't they gotten here yet?_

After confirming the plan with Ruby and Frollo, the three of them began dashing across the rooftops. Somewhere out back, Weiss could see Cinder Fall and Archer rushing over to Hitler's position. Back in the main square, a large black dragon had emerged from the mound of Enoch's guts, and for some reason several strange missile vehicles, each of which had two strange arm-like structures with treads embedded in them, started flashing into existence as they struggled to traverse the battlefield.

Back over near Roman's group, however, things were more heated.

 _"POWER RANGERS,"_ the Führer commanded, _"DISASSEMBLE!"_

The modified Lagann mech Hitler was piloting then shot up from the rest of the robot and then landed right next to Gaston. Simultaneously, the Hag-1, which had formed the mech's main drill arm, and a TOG II, which had formed its left arm, detached from the main body. The Gurren mech forming the torso then sprung up from the robot's legs, which then transformed back into Optimus Prime.

"Autobots, roll out!"

Ruby and Weiss briefly turned to watch the chaos unfold, even as Stalin was still on their trail.

"Huh," Ruby commented, "whatever happened to the Maus?"

"We don't have time for that," Weiss responded, pointing to the T-10 just half a block away.

Stalin continued to tease them from atop his tank. "You cannot run from me, Komrades! Ohohohohoho!"

He flexed his muscles once more, causing his manly chest to burst out of his bikini.

"I think I'm gonna be sick after this is all over," said Weiss.

Far off in the distance, the giant black dragon rose high over Vale's cityscape and began to swoop over to Weiss and Ruby's position, breathing out sinister green flames.

Furthermore, Nora Valkyrie seemed to be riding on top, holding both her signature weapon and Gilgamesh's sword.

"Oh shit!" said Ruby. "Let's run!"

The two of them continued their trek across the city rooftops, until they came across the main river, where several missile trucks and heavy naval assets were stationed.

 _ **-CRASH!-BOOM!-**_

"What was that?" said Weiss.

When she turned to meet the noise behind her, the great green-eyed dragon had tore right into Stalin's tank, with the man now meeting it face to face. Now that it was closer, Weiss could also see a sloth animatronic riding beside Nora.

"You're not even supposed to be in this story!" cried Nora.

The vampire girl slashed straight through the air with Ea, causing everything in its trajectory to be annihilated.

Josef Stalin had easily sidestepped out of the way, and still looked on at Nora with determination.

"I may not be as sexy as Shrek, but I was born and raised in the harsh climate of the Soviet motherland. Now come, and face me like a…"

As Stalin was saying this, the sloth animatronic had taken the time to dismount from dragon Maleficent, flashstep behind Stalin, and then roundhouse kick him in the back of the head.

"Way to go, Ren!" Nora cheered.

A few seconds later Nora turned her eyes to Weiss, Ruby, and Frollo and waved at them. "Weiss! Let's form up as a team! Hitler's trying to take over as the main bad guy of the story, and we need to stop him before he wrecks everything!"

"Are you mad, girl?" Frollo replied.

"Yeah," said Weiss, "how do we know you won't stab us in the back later?"

"Come on, Weiss! Just for this one moment! Once we're done dealing with Hitler, we can go back to hating each other like usual. Temporary truce?"

"Alright, truce it is then," Weiss answered back.

Meanwhile, contrary to the laws of physics, both the TOG II and the Hag-1 were flying towards their position.

The voice of Winston Churchill came booming from the large British tank, "Well, it looks like we're going to be having a _whale_ of a time, aren't we?"

* * *

 _ **-POW!-POW!-**_

In spite of his professional quick-scoping skills, Gaston had to leap back from Hitler's rapid advances. With each step, Hitler's robot punched Gaston's bullets out of the air with its drill fists and swung at the French huntsmen.

"How is this possible?" said Gaston.

"Nothing is impossible if you fight for the greater glory of the German Reich! You French baguette cowards could never comprehend the great righteousness of our cause! We, proud members of the Aryan race, will reign supreme over all the inferior peoples of this world! This is our ultimate destiny, and there is nothing you or your pathetic friends can do about it!"

The Gurren mech leaped up from behind Gaston, and kicked the building's rooftop straight off.

"Yeah, bro!" said Kamina, who was piloting Gurren. "Your drill is the drill that will pierce the heavens!"

"You boys think you are tough and manly?" said Gaston. "No one embodies manliness like Gaston!"

As the battle raged on on the rooftops, Miltia had dropped down to ground level and had wrapped her vines around Optimus Prime's legs. However, the transforming robot easily tore through Miltia's binds, and began shooting her with the laser blasters mounted on his fists.

By this point, Roman was at least four rooftops away. "Okay, this shit's getting way too crazy for me."

From high up in the sky, Melanie watched the scene below, carrying Salt in her arms. Judging from her most recent experiences, Mel knew that trying to interfere in these fight would wind up badly for her. Melanie had a rough idea of just how powerful Hitler was, but now that Kamina was on his side, there was no way they'd stand a chance.

 _We're totally fucked._

If only she could get her sister to understand that. Unlike what happened in the _Star Wars_ movies, Optimus Prime wouldn't be so easily tripped by a bunch of cables. It would probably be best if they just let Nora and Weiss deal with them. Nora's strange red sword alone would probably be enough to level Hitler's robot-mecha-Shrek to the ground, judging by how it had leveled almost everything south of the river.

On the other hand, there were probably some survivors over by Nora's corporate headquarters who might be able to help out.

"Uh, Melanie," said Salt, "where are you taking us?"

"Gonna see if we can get help."

It only took about ten seconds for them to reach the main square, with dead Minion corpses and military hardware everywhere. There were also several dead witch clones lying about.

"General Swain?"

As Melanie lowered herself to the ground, Salt Peters jumped out of her arms and approached the General, who was poking one of the witch clones with his cane.

"Yup, they're all dead. Good riddance."

Swain's raven swooped down from his shoulder and started gnawing at one of the witch corpses.

"You know what they say, the early bird guts the worm! Heh."

"I kinda feel bad for her now," said Salt.

"Who is she again?" Melanie asked.

"I dunno, just some old lady at work who kept harassing my boss. Mr. Torchwick I mean. Like, she literally went out of her way to stalk him when we were out on a mission. It was pretty obvious they had a thing for each other, but you probably shouldn't mention that the next time you see him."

"Agreed," said Swain, "it would be best for all of us if we never spoke of her again."

"Speaking of which," said Salt, "I wonder where Emerald and Jericho went?"

"Other Jericho, right?"

"Yeah."

"Hell if I know. If they're not in the tower, they're probably dead or long gone by this point."

"Say," said Melanie, "do you think…"

Something began to ring in Swain's pockets.

"Sorry, gotta take this." He brought out his black, scroll-like communicator, and some bald guy came up on screen.

"Good afternoon, General. I hope I am not interrupting anything important, but we are detecting some rather anomalous signatures in the city, and we seem to have lost contact with some of our advance groups. As dedicated to the cause of the Great Shrekoning as I am, I would prefer not to needlessly risk the lives of our fellow brethren."

"Hitler's entered the city."

"What?"

"I wasn't expecting it either. Look, do you know if Stannis is in the area?"

"Guys! Help!"

Miltia's voice suddenly broke through the monotony as she came barreling down the street with a large red-and-blue truck chasing after her, blasting her with laser fire and missiles.

"Hold on for one second," said Swain as he closed his communicator. "Fuck it, let's just morph and eat them!"

Yet just as Swain was about to transform into his bird form, several Nod stealth tanks appeared around the outer rim of the square and blew Optimus Prime to pieces just as he entered it.

"Well," remarked Melanie, "that was convenient."

Just as she said that, however, a mighty roar came booming from the south side of the city.

"Was that Nora's dragon?" Miltia asked.

"Only one way to find out."

As the Malachite sisters flew back over the rooftops, desperate pleas for help could be heard from underneath the pile of rubble north of the tower.

"Uh, guys, could one of you please help me get this thing off? Anyone?"

* * *

Now suspended in some sort of oxygenated fluid, Adam Taurus looked at the controls around him. Surprisingly, the calibration process went over well, and according to Gendo, his biometric signature synced up much better than even Ruby's.

Without warning, the mech let out a mighty roar which shook all of Vale.

The Eva-mech ripped the cables and supports binding it in place. Blake Belladona's voice suddenly boomed throughout the cockpit. _"GODAMMIT ADAM! HOW THE FUCK DID GENDO EVEN LET YOU IN?"_

Blake's presence had shocked Adam. He was well aware that Gendo's Eva-mechs usually required a living person's soul for implementing the AT-field system, but seeing his ex-girlfriend integrated into the system was quite a surprise.

"Uh, hello my darling?"

Even without his awkward chuckle, the situation was well beyond salvageable. Blake was the last person he wanted to see, especially since there were rumors going about that Blake had taken up a living as a prostitute after Ozpin had gone missing. Unlike his canon self, Adam didn't have a creepy fixation for his former girlfriend; he was the one who broke up with her after all. As much as he would have liked to put this personal baggage behind him and continue his peaceful existence as a White Fang terrorist, it seemed the past had caught up with him.

 _Goddammit Gendo._

"What kind of lame pick-up line is that? You're a fucking wimp, Adam! Why can't you be more like Roman?"

"That guy? Why the hell would I wanna be like him?" The dude wore mascara and eyeliner, and he practically ran from every mission the two of them have been on. At least, that was what Adam could remember of him.

Blake sighed. "Well, at least you're not Neo."

"What did she ever do to you?"

"Bitch shanked me in the middle of an alleyway while I wasn't looking."

"Oh."

"So, where the fuck is Ruby and Weiss?"

"Long story."

Adam didn't really have the time to spare the details. The two girls broke free from Ironwood and a bunch of shit was happening at the SDC headquarters. Gwonam and Link went on ahead, Arslan and Daryun went off to negotiate with some of the guys on the coast, and the Mario Brothers went off to search for some star thing. The Eva-mech, or Blake-mech as it was now called, took an assload of time just to boot up, even though it was supposed to be active. Not to mention, he had not expected that the President of the United States would be showing up today.

"Anyway," Adam continued, "the girls need our help. Gendo hasn't fully updated me on all the details, but our job is to help them with whatever they're doing."

"Good enough for me."

"Alright, baby-doll, let's move out."

"Aren't you gonna make some ham-fisted battle cry like just about every other mecha pilot does?"

"Nah."

As a dragon's roar could be heard somewhere in the distance, Gendo's smug face came up on screen.

"Mr. Taurus, and Miss Belladonna, the President and I have done a preliminary analysis on the battlefield situation, and it is quite dire. I advise you to exercise the utmost caution, for the man you are fighting is none other than Adolf Hitler himself, the evilest man known to all mankind. Somehow, we have acquired the assistance of Nora Valkyrie herself, and there may be other freelancers working in the area. We also believe there are several Nod vehicles operating in the region, so I would advise that you do not approach the company headquarters for the time being.

"Your mission is to aid Weiss Schnee in destroying Hitler and his band of brothers. You are not to engage with anyone else until I give the orders. If you cannot defeat him, then you must only delay him. We have word of Britannian reinforcements coming over from the west shore, so they may be able to help you. Do you have any further questions?"

"None, sir," Adam replied.

"Then I wish the best of luck to the both of you."

With that, the screen displaying Gendo shut off, and Adam began to position the mech to get a clear view of the battle while staying under cover.

Even though he couldn't see everything, the battle was far more chaotic than anyone could have imagined. Not only was a large bus-tank and a drilling machine fighting against two girls, a sloth robot, and a giant black dragon, but almost everything towards the river had been leveled to the ground.

As Adam moved out to take a shot on the giant Gurren mech, a trio of planes came flying in from the far north.

* * *

" _GET 'EM RENNY!"_

Even as the flying magic schoolbus of a tank unloaded missiles on Nora's black dragon, Ren, in his sloth robot form, sprung off the debris of the commercial buildings nearby and then landed an uppercut punch to the TOG's side.

"Are you a madman?" shouted Winston Churchill. "Not even your skills with the oriental Kung-Fu magicks could penetrate the Iron Curtain that divides this continent!"

Just as the Hag-1 was about to drive into dragon Maleficent, Major Stroheim stood out from the digger's hatch. "What my British friend says is true! Not even you with the power of Ea could stand against the might of German Science!"

"Oh yeah?" said Ruby, flash-stepping onto the top of Stroheim's tank with Weiss trailing close by.

"What?"

 _ **-KABOOM!-**_

With a single shot from Ruby's Big Dick, Stroheim's head went splattering over the side of the drilling machine.

"Headshot!"

"You bastard savages!" exclaimed Churchill.

"Nice one," said Weiss as she landed on the top of the vehicle.

Just before Stroheim's body slumped back into the vehicle, Ruby used her scythe to fish it out and toss it overboard.

"Well, these quarters look rather cozy," remarked Frollo as the three of them stepped into the Hag-1.

"Just gotta hack into these controls and we'll be able to ram it into Churchill's school bus."

Ruby's stand extended from her fingertips into the primitive machine's console. After Frollo had stepped down, Weiss returned to the hatch to observe the battle above.

The TOG II was still maintaining cannon and missile fire upon Nora and her dragon. Nora at this time was also beginning to learn how to access some of Gilgamesh's other abilities, namely by skewering Churchill's tank with a bunch of tools from Gilgamesh's secret stash.

"Holy shit," said Nora, "Gilgamesh's dank meme stash is OP as balls! I mean seriously, I know I'm supposed to be the main bad guy and all, but now that I have both Dio's sexy vampire charisma and Prince Charming's collection of authentic Rare Pepes, there is nobody who can stop me. I, Nora Valkyrie, have all the unlimited power! _MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

"I'm not quite finished yet!" said the British Prime Minister. "Even if you hold the initiative, we, proud members of the German Reich, shall fight you until the very end! We shall fight you in the oceans and seas! We shall fight you in France! We shall fight you in Weiss's dirty underpants!"

"But I'm not wearing any underwear," Weiss remarked.

Judge Frollo cringed. "Disgusting. Just absolutely disgusting."

"And furthermore," Churchill continued, "we shall…"

 _ **-FHSOOO!-**_

A great beam of light cut through the sky from across the river, where Weiss now saw mecha-Blake standing.

"Ruby!" said Weiss, "Blake's online!"

"Ohmygod!" said Ruby, "The whole team's gonna get back together again!" Ruby screamed with excitement.

"But Yang's dead, remember?"

"Oh, right."

Ruby then returned to focusing on overriding the Hag-1's systems, though judging by the situation up above, the Hag-1's assistance would probably no longer be necessary.

Nora swept in close on her great black dragon, and readied Ea for one great sweep.

"This is for pancakes!"

But before Nora could connect with the attack, a Wolfen II fighter, a stealth plane, and a flying Putt-Putt with rockets strapped onto him zoomed by.

"Looks like today isn't your lucky day," said Wolf O'Donnell.

"Eat lead, bitch."

After Stewie's brief remark, both the Wolfen and the stealth fighter unleashed a hailstorm of missiles onto dragon Maleficent, interrupting Nora's attack.

"Ruby, pull back!"

"Okay!"

In a fit of panic, Ruby attempted to move the Hag-1 away from Nora's pet dragon, activating the machine's ground lasers and toxic gas exhaust systems in the process.

Coughing, Weiss retreated back into the tank, "Goddammit Ruby!"

"Sorry!"

As this was happening, Pajama Sam had smashed Putt-Putt straight into the base of the dragon's neck, sending it smoldering an a fit of black flames.

"I'm not afraid of the dark anymore, Nora."

Pajama Sam then climbed onto Maleficent's back, donning his mask and bringing out his trusty lunchbox.

"Looks like thunder and lighting aren't so frightening."

But just as Pajama Sam was about to confront Nora, the Valkyrie girl simply punched him in the face, sending him flying through several buildings down the street.

"Why is it that people are always trying to interrupt my cool finishers?"

During this time, the fighting between Hitler's forces and Gaston had spread across the river, with Gendo's Eva-mech now the target of Hitler's wrath. Furthermore, both Cinder Fall and Archer were providing supporting fire, though due to how fast the mecha-Shreks moved, Archer seemed reluctant to use his stronger attacks.

By this point, Ruby had managed to shut off the flying drill tank's laser and exhaust systems. "So, even though Nora's dragon looks like it's been Shrekt, you think we should go back and help Gendo?"

"If we can somehow avoid getting shot by those two fighters."

As Ruby spun the Hag-1 around, Nora turned her attention back to Winston Chuchill's pimp bus. "Now, where was I? Oh right!"

 _ **-KABOOOM!-**_

Gilgamesh's sacred ancestral sword leveled the TOG II instantly.

"Damn," said Ruby, "that thing is powerful."

"Agreed."

For so long, Weiss had endured through this arduous quest just to get back at Nora for stealing her job opportunities. Quite frankly, it was a terrible reason for going on a quest like this, but after suffering for so long, there was no going back.

They would have to fight eventually, yet seeing Nora's powers first-hand gave Weiss grave cause for concern. Even though she had emerged victorious many times over, even she wasn't sure whether she could stand up to such raw power, especially when many of her victories came from the help of others.

 _Maybe there is another way out of this._

Over on one of the nearby rooftops, Gaston was still making potshots at Lagann and Gurren, who largely seemed to be ignoring him for the time being. Archer and Cinder, however, seemed to have ran off to somewhere else, though it took Weiss a few seconds to register this.

Kamina's voice boomed from Gurren. "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE? It's kinda rude to interrupt other peoples' fights ya know."

Even as the mecha duo rushed at the Blake-mech with their powerful drill attacks, the black robot swiftly dashed out of the way, with Hitler and Kamina's attacks just glancing off her energy shield.

As the two fighter jets swerved around to support the mecha duo, Nora turned her attention back to the skies.

" _GET OUT OF MY SWAMP YOU FASCIST SCUM!"_

Within seconds, the sky was filled with thousands of Gilgamesh's treasures. While a stray halberd had blown up the Wolfen II, Stewie's stealth fighter had somehow slipped through.

"Ha! Victory is mine you fools!"

But just as the jet was about to unload its payload upon Nora, Ren sprung up from the city streets and landed a hard kick into the plane's underside.

"BLAST!" Stewie Griffin said just before his body was flung out of the cockpit.

During this, the Blake-Eva-mech had swerved through the city streets with swift maneuvers and had jumped right next to Ruby and Weiss's floating drill tank.

"Man, those two just won't give up," said Adam.

Ruby stepped out from the pilot's seat, ran past Weiss, and popped her head out of the hatch. "Adam, you're here! Where's Arslan and the Mario brothers?"

"Busy with other stuff. President Underwood is here, and we've got guys coming in from the shore."

"Damn," said Ruby. "Looks like this fight is gonna get serious really fast."

"You…"

Hitler's Lagann mech was hovering above the city skyline, looking over the dead husks of his comrades' machines. Now, seeing his comrades and lovers defeated, his eyes began to well up in manly tears.

" _YOU KILLED STALIN AND CHURCHILL!"_

Lagann instantly disintegrated, and an aura of powerful energy began to form around the Führer as he ascended into his Super Saiyan form.

" _NOT EVEN FEGELEIN WOULD DARE COMMIT SUCH HORRIBLE ACTS OF VIOLENCE! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! ERAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH!"_

In the flash of an instant, Adolf Hitler teleported over to Nora Valkyrie and knee-ed her in the stomach, sending her flying all the way to the north wall. Her boyfriend-turned-sloth-animatronic ran sprinting after her.

"Holy shit," both Ruby and Weiss said at once.

"I may be the evilest man in the world, and I may be the King of Hell, but there are some deeds so horrible that even I would not commit them."

Even Kamina could be heard crying from within his mech, "Yeah, you tell them, Aniki! JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE…"

 _ **-KAPOW!-**_

In the flash of an instant, one of Archer's thermonuclear gay bulge attacks came flying in from the southwest, slamming straight into Kamina's mech. Gurren shattered instantly.

"Aniki… fight on without me…"

Even though Weiss, Ruby, and Frollo now had a clear shot on the Führer, they were afraid of further provoking Hitler's wrath, especially after he had sent Nora flying across the city.

Hitler's rant continued. "No… YOU ANIMALS! YOU BLEW IT ALL UP! KAMINA WAS SUCH A BRAVE MAN AND NOBLE FRIEND AND YET YOU HAD TO GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO KILL HIM! DO YOU INGRATES HAVE NO SENSE FOR WHAT IS RIGHT AND JUST? KAMINA ALWAYS FOUGHT FOR WHAT HE BELIEVED IN AND YOU JUST HAD TO PUT AN END TO ALL HIS DREAMS! DO YOU HAVE NO SHAME?"

At this point, Bernie suddenly warped in behind Hitler, ready to decapitate him with her blue scythe, but, powered by his sheer will and determination, Hitler spun around and drove the back of his hand through Bernkastel's body in a move that splattered her instantly.

"A good man has died today," Hitler continued. "Though I may be the King of Hell and the evilest man in the world, I will mourn his loss, and I will continue to fight for what he believed in. That is what Aniki would have wanted; that is what anyone would have wanted.

"The time of the Great Shrekoning will soon be upon us, but I cannot let those who have committed such great crimes go unpunished. Just as you have slain my noble comrades, I shall destroy this city you hold so dear. All of you will perish. May God have mercy on your soul."

In the flash of an instant, Adolf Hitler disappeared from the skies, leaving Ruby and Weiss staring at the tank's screens in bewilderment.

"We've gotta get out of here," remarked Weiss.

If even her arch-nemesis Nora had been taken off-guard by Hitler's rampage, how could she, a mere hobo, stand a chance against the Big Bad Wolf that Farquaad had unleashed.

But just as Weiss had said that, everyone in the Hag-1 had been jerked forward as Adam's mech gripped it in its arms.

Adam's face came up on one of the screens. "We're going."

Ruby and Weiss did not pause to wonder just where Adolf Hitler had run off to, but almost seconds later, they saw Archer's corpse soaring through the skies, along with several Knightmare frames that had been torn to pieces by Hitler's energy blasts.

Weiss did not know the full extent of Hitler's powers, nor his effective power level, but things were looking increasingly hopeless.

 _Use The Force, Weiss... Use the power of The Force..._

Weiss Schnee had absolutely no idea why Gandhi of all people had popped into her head at that moment, nor did she remember him actually saying those words. But now seemed like the best time to put those words into action.

Weiss closed her eyes and sighed, holstering her sword and lightsaber and placing her hands in front of her. "Ruby, Frollo, Adam, brace yourselves."

As the heiress concentrated all her mental energy, she could hear the Blake-Eva-mech skidding outside as it was being pulled forward.

"Whoa, Weiss, how did you do that?"

But almost a second later, Weiss heard an audible flash within the tank.

 _ **-POW!-**_

The moment that Hitler's punch connected, Weiss went flying out of the Hag-1, crashing into several buildings until she landed in the rubble over by Nora's corporate headquarters. Even though Hitler hit like a freight train, she could tell he had been holding back, as his punch should have destroyed her instantly.

Weiss didn't come out unscathed, however, as her head was now rattling and she was bleeding profusely. Somewhere through her blurry vision, she could see her comrades flying through the sky, and some skinny guy with a nasally voice was trying to help her back up.

"Lady, you okay there? Thanks for freeing me, I must've been trapped under that pile of rocks for at least an hour. Guys, could you help me out here?"

Even though she was still dizzy and in pain, other figures began to gather around her. Yet, somewhere high up in the sky, she could see the soft glow of Hitler's blond Super Saiyan hair.

 _Is it over?_

Hitler's voice boomed throughout the city, "Do you know why they call me the Pillar Man? _IT IS BECAUSE, AS MASTER OF THE ARYAN RACE, I AM THE PILLAR OF HUMANITY! I AM THE ULTIMATE LIFE FORM! THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN POSSIBLY DEFEAT ME, FOR I HAVE NO WEAKNESSES!"_

As a man in dark robes brought a Red Medic to tend to Weiss's wounds, Hitler brought back his hands and prepared for his ultimate attack. _"WITNESS, THE POWER OF TRUE DESTRUCTION! KAAAA-MEEEEE-KAAAAAA-MEEEEE…!"_

* * *

President Frank Underwood watched the scene unfold from his Chinook transport high above Vale's southern district. Giving his sniper rifle one last polish, he lay down and strapped himself secure to the floor.

"Truly," Frank began, "I have never seen such a catastrophic clusterfuck in my entire tenure as President. Not even the fallout from the GamerGate fiasco could not compare to this.

"Now, I know you may have heard some things about me that may or may not be true, but I did not become the leader of FaZe Clan simply through my political connections. I'll have you know I graduated at the top of my class of the U.S. Navy Seals, and I have over 9000 confirmed kills on my _Call of Duty_ account. Don't let my charming looks deceive you, I am America's number one sniper, and I know all the ins and outs of Gorilla Warfare. And not only am I extensively trained in video game combat, but I have the entire U.S. Marine Corps to back me up.

"Hitler? He's nothing but another target to me. Mark my words, I will wipe Hitler out with precision the likes of which have never been seen before on this goddamn planet. Mark my words."

Frank Underwood then brought his face in close and peered down the rifle's scope. Once he had lined up his shot, he held his breath and pulled the trigger.

* * *

 _ **-BOOM!-**_

Although Weiss could not see where the attack came from, a single bullet sent straight through Hitler's upper spine, causing him to lose control over everything below his neck. Hitler's Kamehameha wave swept way over Vale's skyline as his body fell straight for the ground.

" _FUCK! WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THIS?"_

As Weiss began pushing herself up, she saw Nora Valkyrie riding atop robo-Ren's shoulders, largely unscathed from Hitler's attack.

" _HOW THE FUCK DID YOU SURVIVE THAT?"_

Nora replied instantly. "It's because I always make sure to eat a healthy balanced breakfast every morning. Now, Renny, let's finish him!"

With his hydraulic robot strength, Ren lifted Nora over his shoulders and then threw her straight at the Führer.

"It's all ogre for you now!"

Instead of making use of her abilities stolen from Gilgamesh, Nora lunged forth at Hitler, drove her fingers straight into his neck, and then absorbed all the moisture out of his body. Like Lord Farquaad before him, Hitler had been reduced to nothing but a dried-out corpse.

"Now I am the most powerful character in the entire universe! _MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

By this point, the Red medic had finally finished healing up Weiss.

"Thank you," she said, just noticing Melanie and Miltiades standing nearby.

Nora then turned and pointed her finger at Weiss, "Now, Weiss the Hobo, we must engage in Mortal Combat!"

"Really, do we have to now?" Considering they had just been allies a minute before, Weiss wasn't really in the mood for fighting, especially after seeing the havoc that Hitler had wreaked.

With a single swipe of her arms, Nora drew out both Ea and her grenade launcher, and with Hitler's strength was added to her own, her body was now glowing with immense power.

"My name is Nora Valkyrie. You killed my boyfriend. Prepare to die!"

* * *

 **A/N: Gonna give a shout out to _Until the End of Time_ , by Gofer-Chan, where the original idea for Super Saiyan Hitler came from. You should probably have a look at it if you haven't read it already. I was kinda planning this scene for a while, but I hope I'm not ripping off too much from that story.**

 **I probably could have made this chapter a bit longer, though I figure this is long enough, and it covers most of what I wanted to happen. Kinda worried that I'm letting the heroes get off too easily in these fights, but then again, I'm not really sure what you guys think about my character attrition rate.**

 **Tying President Underwood with the Navy Seals Copypasta thing was kinda just something I came up while writing this chapter. I probably could have written a version that was more like the actual thing, but I didn't want it to ramble on for too long.**

 **Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. The rematch between Nora and Weiss begins next chapter, and the conclusion to this story will come soon after that, so stay tuned!**


	36. The Ride of Nora Valkyrie

Roman strolled through the abandoned southern streets of Vale, smoking on a cigar he nicked from one of the shops.

Roman no longer gave a shit about anything at this point.

He could handle the fact the world was populated by criminals with unimaginable powers. He could handle the fact he had met Shrek and the Frenchmen from _Monty Python's the Holy Grail_. He could handle the fact he had somehow managed to summon Gaston as a Heroic Spirit, even though that should not have been possible. But now, after seeing Adolf Hitler teaming up with Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, Optimus Prime, Stroheim, and Kamina in a mecha-squad, he just plain could no longer give a shit anymore.

 _Well, this city ain't my problem anymore._

The longer he stayed in this city, the more likely he would get his ass kicked in by someone with god powers or timey-wimey bullshit, and unlike his ex-girlfriend, he was kinda fragile.

Now that that blonde witch was dead for good, he no longer had to worry about staying on a team for his own protection. Maybe he shouldn't have ditched Peters and the lady twins, but his own safety was far more important.

He was a survivor, first and foremost.

He could probably recall Gaston back to him if he ran into trouble, but he could defend himself well enough on his own. Neo was probably off with Weiss's group, so now seemed like the best time to bail.

The streets of Vale's southern districts looked absolutely deserted. Aside from the corpses that had been rotting there for weeks, there was no sign of anybody anywhere, and there was not even a single car or truck to jack.

Yet, even while Vale's gloomy, rotting stench lingering above the city streets, Roman for once was able to find peace.

"Just a few more miles until I'm finally free of this damn city."

Roman giggled with joy now that his own freedom was close at hand. Upon further reflection, however, it was clear he was starting to go insane.

 _I'm starting to lose it, aren't I?_

The sharply-dressed criminal began to spin his cane about as he skipped and strolled down the street, singing about _Singing in the Rain_ even though it wasn't raining.

Far out in the distance, where a thin fog began to grow, a shadowy figure began to strut towards him, its steps echoing throughout the streets.

At first, Roman thought nothing of it, but as it loomed closer, when he was able to make out its details more clearly, what he saw truly horrified him.

"Oh no… Oh no no no no…"

Holding her umbrella over her shoulder, Neopolitan Gasai emerged from the fog, her dead, mismatched eyes watching him ever so longingly.

Roman's eyes darted around in panic, looking for the best possible route for escape, yet every time he lifted his eyes off her, she moved in closer and closer, far too swiftly for her to have moved in just a few seconds.

Seeing an alleyway nearby, Roman began backing away. "Hey, Neo, watcha doing in this part of the city? The bank's all the way back that way… Huh?"

Just as suddenly as she had appeared, Neo was gone.

"Well, that was a…"

Of course, it was only a second before his mind began to register what had just happened.

 _Great, just real fucking swell._

As footsteps rapidly approached from behind, Roman made a simple sweep of his cane and blocked Emerald's attack.

"The hell do you want, Emerald?"

"Not telling!"

Emerald Sustrai made several slashes at the master criminal, but he simply blocked them all with his cane.

Out of the corner of his eye, however, something was coming down from above.

 _ **-BAM!-**_

Just before Bowser's hulking mass could smash him to a pulp, Roman rolled out of the way, only to watch as a schoolgirl wearing a white sailor's outfit came barreling at him from out of the alleyway with a billhook cleaver. Roman had absolutely no fucking idea who she was, nor did he recognize the maid who followed after her.

Roman had to block five rapid blows from the psychotic schoolgirl, unable to parry or gain the initiative. He had fought opponents of a similar caliber sometime in the past, but now that there were four potential adversaries, there was no way he would be able to hold his own.

It was a good thing he hadn't used any command scrolls yet.

Roman lifted his fist up close. "Gasto…"

 _ **-POW!-**_

Before Roman understood just what was happening, something heavy smashed into him from behind and pounded his face into the ground. With machine-like strength he felt his left arm rotated upward until it snapped.

"YEEEOOOOW!"

Even after the initial shock of pain, Roman's body, with a thick hand curled tightly around his throat, was thrown up against the building behind him.

"Okay! Okay! I give! I give! Seriously, what do you guys want?"

When Roman had opened his eyes, not only did he see Bowser, Emerald, and the two other girls, but Cardin, now reduced to a mere zombie, was the one holding him up. Of course, when Jaune also came into view, he knew he was fucked.

"Well fuck."

"What?" said the maid, whose voice he instantly recognized. "Are you not excited for our happy family reunion?"

"Yes," said Emerald, "a happy family reunion."

"We've got a special delivery to make for the Fairy Godmother. You're just gonna have to be the Pretty Princess for a while. GWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The three ladies laughed along with him. But in the midst of this, the girl in the sailor outfit stopped and said, "Why are we laughing again?"

* * *

In the blink of a moment, Nora came flying at Weiss at full speed, with Weiss just barely dodging a blow from Ea at the last second. Even though the attack blew a massive crater into the rubble and the buildings behind it, everyone but the goons trapped underneath had escaped unscathed.

With Nora's back exposed, Weiss used the power of The Force to fling her lightsaber from her hip, activating it in midair.

Nora, however, had other ideas. "Get a load of this, Weiss!"

With her immense, ogre-like strength, Nora swept Ea through the ground clockwise, causing the concrete streets to collapse into the sewers below. The air blast from the sword's momentum had repelled Weiss's lightsaber back.

"Everyone get back!" cried the Monarch, as the others tried to escape from the rapidly crumbling infrastructure.

Weiss quickly hopped onto one of her glyphs, while conjuring another one to shank Nora from behind, though Nora had simply back-flipped onto the conjured arm.

"Ha! You'll never catch me, Weiss Schnee! I'm the Gingerbread Man! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

As soon as she said this, Weiss felt powerful magical energies well up nearby, and she jumped up into the air as several treasures shot out from Nora's Gates of Babylon.

Phew, that was close.

"Weiss!" Velvet's voice shouted from behind her, "Let me help!"

As Velvet got close, she took a picture of Nora's gigantic, glowing red sword.

"Hey, this is supposed to be our epic duel! Don't interrupt our super-cool fight!"

"But Weiss is my waifu and I'm gonna protect the shit out of her so I can sleep with her and steal her underwear and sniff it every night before I go to bed!"

"I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that," said Weiss.

"That's gotta be the most bullshit reason I've ever heard, and that's coming from a girl who formed an evil team of supervillains just because somebody stole her precious pancakes! THEY'RE MY PANCAKES GODDAMMIT!" Nora sighed. "Okay, if you really, really want to join the fight, you can. You guys still won't be able to beat me with my evil sexy vampire powers."

"Oh really?" replied Velvet, who was now conjuring a replica of Ea with her weapon and semblance.

"What?" Nora said in shock. "How the fuck did you do that! Gilgamesh's sword is supposed to be un-copyable and stuff, and not even Shirou Emiya could do that even though he was the main protagonist and he had super copy powers! That's fucking bullshit!"

"Well, I just did it."

"I SHALL HAVE VENGEANCE! HIYAAAA…!"

Tossing her own grenade launcher aside, Nora stepped forward, gripped Ea with both hands, and then drove it straight toward the ground like a giant sledgehammer, though Velvet blocked the blow with her bluish copy.

 _ **-BOOOOOOM!-**_

The collision of the two sacred ancestral swords created a supersonic rush of air which sent Weiss flying backwards for at least a dozen miles or so. Much like her earlier encounter with Hitler, the world seemed to spin around her, until she came crashing down into the pavement, somehow mostly unscathed.

Once she regained consciousness, Ren's sloth animatronic was standing right above her.

 _ **-SCREEEEEEE!-**_

Weiss was quick to roll before robo-Ren's hard mechanical jaw punctured into her skull, and she quickly whipped out Myrtenaster for a swift counterattack.

Ren cartwheeled out of the way and then sprung back in to deliver two punches, followed up by a roundhouse kick and an elbow strike aimed for Weiss's spine, which Weiss was only able to deflect with a well-timed shield glyph.

Even though Ren's momentum had been stopped by the glyph, he recovered almost instantly and continued on, attacking Weiss relentlessly with a seemingly endless barrage of punches, kicks, and fancy Kung-Fu tricks. Ren might not have been nearly as powerful as Nora at this point, but he seemed to have grown vastly more powerful since the battle at Jerry's Bucktooth Cafe.

Whenever she had the chance, Weiss plunged her signature sword into the ground to try and trap Ren with her ice attacks, though robo-Ren was much too quick for her.

 _The hell do I do now?_

Weiss wasn't even sure what part of the city she was in, since Ren's constant harassment prevented her from investigating her surroundings, but it still seemed like she was somewhere in the main city. She wasn't quite sure whether she had passed by this area before, but almost everything looked wrecked.

Even with the clashes of battle ringing far out in the distance, this area seemed unusually quiet. By this point, Weiss had grown accustomed to her enemies' taunting and bantering, so, aside from the initial scream, Ren's unusual silence made her feel a bit uneasy.

Somewhere in the east, Roman's voice broke the silence.

Weiss instantly knew what she had to do.

"Sorry, I've gotta run."

Conjuring up a haste glyph underneath herself, Weiss propelled herself up the building just a few feet behind her, prompting a loud, furious, cry from robo-Ren. Even with his incredible agility, all Weiss had to do was prop up a glyph barrier to temporarily set him back.

Even though Weiss and Roman had barely met prior to this day, Ruby had often mentioned how they would need his help to take on Nora. Now more than ever seemed like the best time to receive another helping hand, especially with Ruby, Frollo, and Adam missing.

Somewhere out in the northern districts, a line of war mechs was advancing towards the company square, but a blast from Gilgamesh's sword thew many of them back and overturned everything in a ten-degree arc from the point of impact to the shore.

Once this battle was over, it would be a miracle if anyone would still want to live here.

Even with her deft maneuvers, Ren was still gaining on her, as Weiss could only run so fast while Ren had both his bio-mechanical legs and his rigorously honed Kung-Fu skills.

While leaping from one rooftop to another, Weiss tripped on a broken ledge, causing her to fall into the streets below with Ren close on her tail.

 _Shit!_

With robo-Ren just feet away from her, she would not have enough time to dodge the impact of his metallic bulk.

But, just at the most convenient time possible, a Chinook transport flew by.

 _ **-POW!-**_

The impact from the bullet sent Ren's trajectory off course, slamming him straight into the pavement and causing one of his arms to come flying off. Weiss was able to correct her own fall and thereby continue running as if nothing had happened. While ascending up the next abandoned apartment building, Weiss turned her head south, to see President Underwood overlooking the streets from the scope of his sniper rifle.

"Thanks, Mr. President!" Weiss called out.

"No worries, kiddo. Always remember you've got friends over in the White House."

Now that Ren seemed to be out of the picture, Weiss continued her trek over the city rooftops, and at about four blocks over, Weiss had found Mr. Torchwick and his fan club.

Before any of them had caught on to what was going on, Weiss whipped out her Calico, and fired straight at the skull of the cleaver girl from before.

Shortly after the girl started falling forwards, Bowser turned his head towards the heiress. "What the… Oh crap…"

Weiss emptied two more bullets into Bowser's head, landing on the back of his shell shortly after.

Even though Weiss had never seen the maid girl before in her life, she emptied a few more bullets just to make sure.

"Yo Ice Lady!" Roman called out, only to have his face slammed into the sidewalk by his two zombie bodyguards.

Even after her Weiss had just swiftly dispatched the rest of her gang, Emerald drew out her scimitar blades and rushed towards Weiss.

All Weiss had to do was encase Emerald in a solid block of ice, and she was completely neutralized as a threat.

"That was almost too easy."

Weiss stepped forth to challenge Jaune and Cardin's animated corpses, but neither one budged nor demonstrated any signs of letting go of him. She could probably encase them in another one of her ice attacks, or use some other technique to quickly dispatch of them.

Though, considering some of the individuals she had just dispatched of she had plenty of tools to choose from.

Weiss first attempted to lift up Emerald's scimitar-pistols, but for whatever reason, they didn't seem to move. The orange-haired girl's cleaver, however, was perfectly functional.

Although both Jaune and Cardin attempted to use Roman's body as a shield, Weiss was able to get the jump on them using her conjured arm glyph technique, thereby hacking them to pieces.

Watching out for any enemies waiting to ambush her, Weiss cautiously approached the white-suited criminal, holding his battered face up as Cardin and Jaune's bits and pieces fell to the ground in a bloodless mess. Although Roman still seemed to be alive, he was just barely breathing, and blood leaked from his once pristine face.

Considering Nora could be coming for her at any moment, the heiress allowed his body to rest.

Footsteps began to approach from down the block, even though there was no way anyone could have approached without her noticing, barring any magical means.

When Weiss turned to look, Italian Spiderman was standing just a few yards away from her, followed by Mario and Luigi. Out of the corner of her eye, Emerald's body seemed to have disappeared.

"Thought you might need this, pussy-cat."

Italian Spiderman pulled out the hilt of a lightsaber from his pockets and then tossed it to Weiss. She wasn't sure how he had managed to retrieve the thing, or how he had managed to find her, but then again he was Italian Spiderman, so just about anything was possible for him.

After briefly examining the object, Weiss holstered it to her side and curtsied. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me, I'm just here to fill up screen time."

"Gee whiz Mario! Look at that poor handsome gentleman!"

The two Mario brothers ran up to Roman and propped him up.

"Man, I would hate to see such a good kisser go to waste. Alright, Luigi, lets hand him one of those mushrooms we just got from the supermarket."

Propping Roman's right arm over his shoulder, Luigi fished a healing mushroom out of his pockets and force-fed it to the cane-wielding chap.

Although Roman's wounds were slow to recover, he slowly regained consciousness.

"He's alive Mario!"

The well-dressed criminal groaned as he struggled to reacquaint himself to his current situation. "Mario? Luigi? Freaking Italian Spiderman?" Torchwick was silent for a few seconds before focusing all of his attention on Weiss. "Shit! They got away!"

"Emerald," Weiss replied, "right?"

"Witch-lady was with her. I'm surprised they didn't gimp you on the spot. You fell for her illusion tricks easy enough." Roman squinted at Weiss. "Why the fuck do you have a beard?"

"I've had this for a while. I've tried to cut it off but it just keeps growing back."

Wriggling his arms out of the Mario brothers' grasp, Roman brought one of his fists close and then shouted, "GASTON TO ME!"

A reddish glow radiated from the back of his hand as he used up one of his command scrolls, and only a second later, Gaston appeared just a few feet away from the group.

"You dare interrupt me in the midst of my glorious hunt?"

Now that Roman's Servant had appeared before them, Weiss felt like a total idiot.

"Dammit, why didn't I think of that earlier?"

Weiss then called out Frollo's name, prompting him to materialize before them as well.

"Convenient timing. I was just wondering where you had run off to."

"Alright," said Weiss, "it looks like we've got quite a few people here. Has anyone seen Ruby or Adam?"

"My guess is that she landed somewhere in Forever Fall," Frollo responded.

"Yeah," said Italian Spiderman, "she's hurt, but recovering. She'll be back in the fight in a couple of minutes. Same with Adam and Blake."

"Blake?" Roman asked.

"It's complicated."

"Basically, she's been fused with a robot," Weiss added.

Roman shrugged, "Meh, I'll take any explanation these days."

Italian Spiderman then fished out a tray of smoothie-like drinks. "So do any of you guys want protein shakes?"

"I'll take one!" Weiss said as she eagerly swiped one of the larger drinks off the tray.

"Gladly!" exclaimed Gaston, as he and Frollo also acquired drinks.

"No thanks, we're kinda full already," said Mario.

Roman, however, seemed reluctant to try the shakes, "Uh, what's in those things?"

"Trade secret," responded the red-sweater superhero.

Roman backed away, still skeptical of the shakes' contents.

Weiss, in the meantime, was happily guzzling down her drink through her straw. Even though it was only a mere protein shake, she felt herself rapidly growing in strength and energy, as if at any given moment she could fly high in the sky. Her conflict with Nora Valkyrie seemed months away.

As a matter of fact, why wasn't Nora chasing after her now?

Weiss looked out far ahead, where the cataclysmic destruction wrought by the twin Eas seemed to have subsided. Now that she felt recovered, Weiss was ready to take on Nora and her Herculian might.

"Wait," said Roman, staring at Weiss as she began to levitate off the ground, "did you just…"

"I feel like a new man today!" Gaston proclaimed.

Gaston then flexed his muscles, causing his shirt to burst into shreds.

Flabbergasted, Roman obtained one of the shakes for himself. "I just hope these things don't come with any nasty side effects."

Italian Spiderman tried offering his shakes to the Mario brothers once again, but once again they refused. "Anyway, I've gotta go now. Catch you guys later."

In an instant, Italian Spiderman disappeared from existence.

"Well, we don't need any of those fancy protein shakes anyway," said Mario. "We've got some magic of our own, if ya know what I'm saying. Ain't that right, Luigi?"

"You said it!"

Weiss then felt a sudden surge of energy rapidly charge toward them from far up ahead.

Dragging her giant red sword through the hundreds of buildings on west side of town, Nora was gliding on Gilgamesh's golden Vimana like it was her own personal hoverboard.

"Weiss Schnee, it's all ogre for you!"

With her left hand, Nora fired several blasts of energy into the streets below, using her other had to raise Ea up high.

With her newfound sense of power, Weiss flashed forward and conjured up several glyphs simultaneously to deflect each of Nora's energy attacks back at her. Even accounting for the spare Dust cartridges she carried on her, the maneuver somehow did not use of any of her Dust. In fact, the cartridges installed in Myrtenaster seemed to be refilling on their own.

With a speed rivaling that of robo-Ren, Frollo flashed across the city rooftops and moved in to intercept Nora, dodging most of her Super Saiyan attacks.

"Begone from this Earth, unholy abomination!"

As Frollo prepared to strike Nora with his holy sword of vengeance, Nora simply knocked the hilt of Ea into his chest, causing him to be thrown deep down into Hell itself.

"Ha! Eat that creepy old…"

 _ **-KABOOM!-**_

The blast from Gaston's empowered rifle shot the golden Hindu spaceship from underneath Nora, who was now sent tumbling forward.

" _WAAAAAAH!"_

Forgetting to adjust her balance with her Super Saiyan reflexes, Nora's eldritch sword plunged into the ground, creating a rift so wide the entire southern half of Vale was split in two. Luckily, everyone had managed to get above high ground to avoid falling in, including the Mario brothers, who had now donned capes.

The rift opened ever wider, as Nora's growling could be heard from below. "This fight isn't ogre yet!"

Thousands upon thousands of golden-shining gates opened up down below, and an equally large number of Gilgamesh's treasures shot up into the sky. In spite of their inherent strength, Weiss was able to block them with her glyphs, though Gaston didn't seem to be so lucky.

"These are but mere flesh wounds!"

Roman's servant, who had stood in front of his master to block most of the treasures, ripped out one of the weapons lodged into him and threw it back like a javelin, even though Nora's position wasn't quite clear.

Standing atop a rooftop just a few blocks away, Luigi turned to his brother and said, "Alright Mario, let's use our power stars!"

The Mario brothers then fished out a pair of glowing yellow stars and then brought them close to their chests, whereupon their own bodies began to glow as well.

"It's time to kick some Koopa ass!"

While this was happening, Nora had flashed out of the rift, and then flew at Weiss faster then she could register.

"Guess what Weiss? I know Kung Fu too!"

In this brief instant, Weiss happened to notice that Nora no longer seemed to have Ea on her person.

Although Weiss tried to counterattack with Myrtenaster and her lightsaber, Nora, no longer burdened by her sword, was much quicker to the punch.

 _ **-POW!-POW!-BANG!-**_

After her three initial blows, Nora unleashed a flurry of punches and kicks the likes of which Weiss had never seen before. Only Yang's stand, Asura, had ever delivered a comparable beating, though that was such a long time ago that Weiss had just barely remembered it. Although the power from her protein shake allowed her to endure most of the damage, she was still getting pretty badly bruised.

Even though the others had tried to interrupt Nora's beat-down, Nora had simply thrown Weiss across the city and then teleported to where she was to continue the assault.

After what had seemed like an eternity, Nora had pulled back for one last punch. _"THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING TO STEAL MY PANCAKES, WEISS! TO THE MOOOOON!"_

Her fist filled with the full power of her Super Saiyan vampire strength, hatred, and determination, Nora Valkyrie struck her knuckles into Weiss's stomach.

 _ **-BLAM!-**_

Nora's final blow sent Weiss skyrocketing. Even though Weiss's hobo body had somehow remained intact, she was almost knocked out cold, and the blow to her stomach and ribcage caused her to choke out blood.

For a brief moment, Weiss's body heated up rapidly as it ascended through the atmosphere, but then turned cold. With every second that passed, Remnant grew smaller and smaller, until she could see the whole mess of continents quite clearly. Even though much of the rest of the world lit up with activity, there were sizable craters of destruction where America had been. In the midst of her daze, Weiss could see the remnants of Russia and Brazil to the far northeast and southwest, which had been ravaged by the great GamerGate fiasco. Yet, even though she was so far out, she could still see the spindle of Nora's tower poking through the atmosphere.

As Weiss began to freeze, she could see the piercing brightness of the sun off to her right. With what remained of her consciousness, she knew Nora wouldn't follow her while its shining beams radiated throughout space.

Seconds later, Weiss felt her body crash into Remnant's shattered moon, which broke down even further with the force of the impact.

Strangely enough, she had no trouble breathing even with the lack of the oxygen in the moon's atmosphere.

Although she was still badly hurt from the fight, she knew that she would still have to fight on.

Yet, the quietness and tranquility of space was ever so tempting.

 _Almost everyone is dead because of me. Still, looks like I gotta see this through to the end._

In spite of how pointless this conflict had become, Weiss mustered what strength she had left, leaped off the rock she had been resting on, and then gravitated herself towards Nora's tower.

A beacon of sorts.

Something about that word brought back memories of the times when Weiss had still been a student at that long forgotten academy. Everyone had been friends, working together to defend Vale and the four kingdoms against the ever encroaching Grrm. Even with the threat of evil ever present, things were peaceful and stable, and aside from the strife between Humans and Faunus, nobody ever really fought against each other.

When Weiss defeated Nora once and for all, she would strive to return things back to the way they were, or at the very least try to curb some of the chaos and destruction.

After abut half a minute, Weiss's feet had gently graced the side of Nora's tower, and she slowly began to run down towards the surface. Even though the windows were made of glass, it was too dark to see through them.

Her chest and legs cramped with every step, and her whole body was still cold, but still she sprinted on, until she felt the air itself rush back over her. Faster and faster she went, until air around her glowed red like fire. She felt the heat wash over her, undoing the frigid cold of outer space, but her own aura, somehow recovering on its own, protected her from most of its excesses. Although she did not pause to take notice of this, her skin also began to glow with vibrant energy.

 _Weiss Schnee, you are the chosen one._

With Gandhi's voice cheering her on, Weiss plunged deep into Vale's overcast skies. When she emerged from the clouds, she was once again in her home city.

The skies above Vale were covered in more explosions than a Philippine fireworks display. From all across the city, Knightmares, Nod stealth tanks, Fog ships, and freelancer terrorists unleashed their payload into the skies in their vain attempts to take down Nora Valkyrie. Somewhere at the northern edge of the city, Adam's mech was trying to hobble its way through the crowds of Minions, revolutionaries, and fanatics, trying to find some place to take cover.

Every few seconds, a loud clash could be heard from one corner of the city or another, as Gaston waged his fight against Nora. Stannis Baratheon, riding atop an ancient dragon, had also entered the fight, assailing the Valkyrie girl with his critical archery skills while warding against any attacks that came close. Ruby too had reentered the fight, zipping across the skyline with her Stand and semblance. Furthermore, a large particle-laser like weapon began to emerge from Enoch's sugar factory, which Weiss recognized as Gendo Ikari's Ripple cannon. The Mario brothers, however, were nowhere to be seen.

When she was just feet from the ground, Weiss conjured a glyph below her and used it to spring back up into the air, using her redirected momentum to launch herself into Nora's predicted trajectory.

As Nora was busy fighting against Ruby, the Dovahkiin, and a superpowered Gaston, she was not expecting Weiss to return to the fight so quickly.

Although Nora attempted to swerve out of the way and conjure a spiked warhammer to block her path, Weiss whipped out her lightsaber and moved in for a spinning attack.

"I'm not done yet!"

Weiss's lightsaber cut into Nora right above her stomach, and her follow-up pommel strike with Myrtenaster sent her flying backwards for miles.

"Way to go, Weiss!" said Ruby as she zipped by, landing on top of the ruins of a nearby building.

Gaston also gave her the thumbs up, though only seconds later, a fully recovered Nora reemerged from the agricultural district and rushed at Weiss.

"No fair!"

Nora, equipped with Ea and a golden hammer, slashed Gilgamesh's ancestral sword through the air. Although Weiss moved to dodge the attack, the wave of force that emanated from the red blade thew Weiss back towards the north side of the city, towards the company tower itself. Although Weiss was mostly unharmed by the attack, she wasn't sure whether the others were so lucky, especially when she heard the cry of Lord Baratheon's dragon.

Weiss's body crashed though the glass of the company tower, and was sent tumbling through several buildings behind it.

Luckily, Weiss was able to recover quickly enough to notice a large yellow steamroller flying straight at her.

"What the fuck?"

Weiss rolled out of the way as the construction vehicle crashed into the building right next to her. Seconds later, she saw Nora floating in the air about two hundred feet away from her.

"What kind of lame attack is that?"

"Just because I don't have any time-stopping abilities doesn't mean I can't pull off any super-cool tricks!" Nora replied.

The vampire girl then teleported right next to Weiss and then swung multiple times with her hammer before thrusting with Ea, creating large gaping holes in the buildings behind them.

Following that barrage of attacks, Nora raised Ea up high and said, "This is the end for you, Weiss!"

Although Weiss was able to zip out of the way of Nora's attack, the blow from Ea created a rift that went all the way to the shores past the Forever Fall forest.

Seeing as she still needed the support of others, Weiss used a series of glyph leaps to get herself above the city skyline.

"I have the high ground now!" Weiss proclaimed.

"No, I have the high ground!" Nora retorted after making a quick teleport.

As Nora charged at her once more, Stannis Baratheon came rushing in from the side, carrying two hand-axes.

" _ **FUS-ROH-DAH!"**_

The dragon shout threw Nora Valkyrie off to the side, allowing Weiss to fall back a bit and reexamine her surroundings.

Shortly after Stannis went chasing after the vampire girl, Nora came shot up from below and smashed into his crotch with her hammer, sending him soaring up past the clouds.

 _Oh crap._

"Now it's your turn!"

Once again, Nora came zipping after the hobo heiress, with Gaston and Ruby missing from action.

Although Weiss had managed to dodge out of the way of Nora's first attack, she didn't know how much longer she could keep this up, especially with the wounds accumulated from the first beating.

"Surrender now, Weiss, or prepare to…"

 _ **-POW!-POW!-KABOOM!-**_

Nora stopped in her tracks as Ruby and Gaston made potshots on her, with one of the shots dislodging the arm holding Ea.

"Fuck!"

Nora zipped down a bit to reattach the arm to her body.

"Stop interrupting our duel!"

Now with both arms securely fastened, Nora swept her all-powerful blade into the ground below, though Ruby and Gaston seemed to have ran away just in time.

As this was happening, however, a large, demon-eyed raven swept in from down below.

"Your reign of tyranny ends now, Nora Valkyrie," Swain said with a demonic tinge in his voice.

Although Nora turned to intercept her new opponent, Swain simply whooshed out of the way as three smaller ravens dove in and bit into Nora's vampire flesh. Shortly after, Swain tossed over another demonic raven at Nora, only this one had a sickly green glow.

"Ow! Stupid birds!"

Nora tried to beat the birds off her body, which remained firmly latched on in place. Weiss took this opportunity to switch her lightsaber for her Calico and emptied several rounds into her weaker joints.

"ENOUGH!" said Nora as she repelled Swain's crows off her body with her Super Saiyan might, "I'll destroy you once and for all! _MUAHAHAHAHA!"_

"You might want to reconsider that," said Swain as an additional pair of ravens deployed from his body.

Lasers fired from their beaks.

"What the? Why am I slowing down?" said Nora.

This was the final maneuver.

Swain stretched out one of his arms and a purplish sigil formed underneath Nora.

"Goddamn it!"

Although Nora tried to move out of the sigil's radius using her Super Saiyan speed, the ravens had slowed her down significantly. Furthermore, Weiss had taken this opportunity to follow things up with a glyph of her own.

After Swain's root took hold, Weiss's own attack had fully encased Nora in ice.

"Get back," said Swain as he began to dive for the ground.

Weiss had understood the signal, and she descended for the ground as well.

Nora Valkyrie, now held firmly in place, looked around as she tried to escape from her bindings. But even with her Super Saiyan strength and Gilgamesh powers, it had all been for naught.

"Well, it's been a good fight," Nora said, staring at the glowing hot energy radiating from Gendo's fully charged Ripple cannon.

 _ **-FSHOOOOO!-**_

For a brief moment, Weiss turned to watch as the solar beam burned Nora's vampire body to a crisp. Due to the beam being off by a few hundredths of a degree, Nora's head had somehow avoided being disintegrated by the beam, but the results were still the same.

They had won.

Weiss ran down the streets so she could deliver the final blow. Even though the heiress and her allies had finally defeated Nora for good, something about her victory felt hollow.

Nora's head landed in one of the streets nearby, away from any bodies she could use to recover.

Using only the muscles jutting out of her neck, Nora turned herself to face Weiss.

"Well, I guess that was that. Looks like you win."

Even though Nora had given her a beating only minutes before, Weiss couldn't help but feel pity seeing the former Queen of the Castle in her sorry state.

"Congratulations, Weiss. You really are…"

Without any warning, Weiss's older sister, Winter Schnee, dropped in from above, crushing Nora's skull under her firm heel. A golden-plated spider stood perched on her left shoulder, much like Swain's prized bird.

 _"NORA!"_ Weiss screamed.

Whether it was her sudden dynamic entry, the small metal rod she held in her hand, or the fairy wings sprouting from her back, something about her sister's presence startled Weiss.

"I'm surprised you've made it this far, sister."

With an eerily cold smile on her face, Winter slowly approached her younger sister. Even though Weiss could have sprinted away at any time, she felt some unimaginably strong force holding her in place.

After a few seconds, Ruby came running down the street, with a human Swain following after her.

"Weiss, what's…"

With a simple flick of her sonic screwdriver, Winter shot a ray of pure magic at Ruby, transforming her into a harmless donkey. The spider on her shoulder then tugged on some invisible string, which instantly cut Swain's body into hundreds of clean slices.

As Weiss watched this scene in horror, all the answers began to slowly dawn on her at once.

"You…"

"Yes, dear sister, I…"

"YOU'RE THE REASON I'M A HOBO IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

Winter at first seemed taken aback by Weiss's accusation, but then she laughed it off.

"I do suppose she's technically correct," said the spider on Winter's shoulder.

"It's been such a while since we've last met. I was actually going to say that I'm the Fairy Godmother, but I suppose that works too. Really, a brainless, A-cup dolt like you doesn't deserve the Schnee estate. I had to work for my power, while you just had everything handed to you on a silver plate."

"SHUT UP!" said Weiss.

"I'll admit, your progress has been quite admirable, dear sister, but I'm afraid the situation is quite hopeless for you."

"Why did you have to kill Nora?"

"She was no longer of any use or entertainment to me. I only used her so I could have someone convenient to shift the blame on should things get hairy, but after being bested by a mere hobo, I suppose I'll have to find another convenient scapegoat."

"YOU ASSHOLE!" cried Cinder from atop a nearby tower. "YOU TOOK SHREK AWAY FROM ME!"

"Oh look," scoffed Winter, "another poor peasant girl. Do your worst."

As Winter turned her attention towards Cinder, Weiss felt the overwhelming aura subside a bit, and she took this moment to charge at her sister with both Myrtenaster and her lightsaber.

As Cinder fired a volley of fireballs and Weiss drew close, the spider on Winter's shoulder ballooned into a giant, multi-armed golden statue-thing resembling some deity from Hindu mythology.

A great barrier of force also ballooned out from Winter's position and forced Weiss back. The grand deity Chakravartin waved one of its many arms, and Weiss was suddenly encased in a transparent sphere.

Furthermore, with another set of arms, the deity fired an array of powerful golden lasers at Cinder, one of which disintegrated the left half of her body instantly.

As Cinder fell down into the streets below, she called out to Winter. "You bitch!"

After Cinder had crashed, Winter returned her attention to Weiss, "Some people never learn."

The capsule holding Weiss then dissipated, and Weiss was lowered to the ground via the power of the Fairy Godmother's magic wand.

"I'll admit, I didn't expect Hitler's intervention, but my victory was never in doubt. I write the rules of this universe as I see fit. This world is my paradise and playground. I could intervene more if I wanted to, but there was never any hope for your victory."

"Pray to Shrek all you want, but he will never come to save you."

Bringing Weiss into her barrier, Winter leaned in close and whispered into her ear, confident that Weiss would be unable to resist, "Shrek is mine and mine alone. He would never love a stupid, stinky hobo like you."

"You might want to check on that lady."

Shrek came barreling in from down the street at supersonic speed, trailed by his flying blue police phone booth.

"Wha…"

When the Fairy Godmother turned her head, Shrek penetrated through Chakravartin's barrier and kicked her in the face, sending her tumbling down the street. Seconds later, Yang Xiao Long leaped out from the police box and stood beside Shrek.

"Yang?" said Weiss.

When Winter recovered from her blow, she looked upon Shrek in horror. "No, you're supposed to be locked up in my sex dungeon!"

"Oh really?" replied Shrek. "Then maybe you should check on your security next time."

* * *

 **A/N: Okay, that was that chapter. The last part might have been a bit rushed, but I hope it's alright.**

 **I swear, Weiss has a metric fuckton of plot armor. I was even planning on killing her this chapter and somehow she survived.**

 **I probably could have developed that last part a bit more, as I don't think I really managed to establish just how powerful the Fairy Godmother is compared to everyone else. Though, the next chapter should demonstrate some of this.**

 **Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. Be sure to stay tuned for more stuff to come!**

 **Shrek is love. Shrek is life.**


	37. The Great Shrekoning

Winter hissed in fury, "I thought you loved me, Shrek! You were supposed to be my adorable little sex toy for the rest of eternity! You were supposed to be mine, Shrek! MINE!"

"Jesus," said Shrek, "you're fuckin' crazy woman."

"Yeah!" Yang added, "You can't simply have Shrek all to yourself! Shrek's love has to be shared with everyone!"

"What she said."

In spite of being absolutely terrified of her only minutes before, Shrek's calming presence made her feel at ease. Now that Weiss could see things more clearly, it was downright ludicrous to see how her sister changed from a cool, collected mastermind into a Shrek-obsessed, yandere lunatic. It was just absolutely bonkers.

A new figure came in from down the streets, standing right beside Shrek with his cane in hand.

"Winter Schnee," said Professor Ozpin, "you have long overstayed your welcome."

Although Weiss had not seen him in over six years, she had not expected to see just how drastically different he looked, now that he had green skin and Shrek-like ogre ears.

"It's all ogre for you."

Mercury Black, also bearing similar genetic modifications, came circling around behind him. "The Robocop patrol is here to kick your ass."

"No," said Winter, "you two are supposed to be dead! How the hell are you still alive, and ogre-like?"

"Did ya forget?" Shrek answered, "I'm The Doctor ya know. Now hand over that screwdriver."

"Errrgghh! Enough of this you insolent fiends!" The Fairy Godmother leaped back, with Chakravartin still strapped on her back, and made a wave of her magic wand. "This wand is mine by right, and I shall not let any of you have it!"

"It was never meant to be yours, Winter."

 _"BAKA!_ You're just a stupid, handsome, smelly, ugly ogre!"

"You take that back, woman."

"And guess what? Ogres don't get happy endings! Ha! Now I shall destroy you in the most efficient manner possible!"

With a flick of her wand, Winter conjured up a death note, which fell into her hands.

 _"NO!"_ shouted Weiss.

But almost instantly after it was summoned, the death note burst into flames.

"What? How is this happening?" Winter then turned back towards Shrek. "It's because of you, Shrek! Why can't you let me have my fun?"

"It's because your fun hurts other people!" said Ruby as she trotted up to the assemblage of ogres.

"Dunkeh?" said Shrek. "Oh wait, no, that's just Ruby."

The Fairy Godmother let out a contemptuous snort, "Hmph! Well, I have other ways of dealing with you hooligans. Chakravartin, open fire."

The giant deity hovering behind Winter then reformed its arms to perform some sort of arcane, symbolic gesture, whereupon a glowing ball of pure energy began to form just a few inches before it.

"Everyone behind me!" said Shrek as he motioned the others to move.

Even though Weiss was still somewhat out of it, she quickly formed up behind the others, right in between Mercury and Yang.

"How are you alive?" she asked the brawler.

"Fought my way through Hell and back," said Ruby's sister. "Security's surprisingly lax down there."

Far down the street, as Chakravartin finished charging up his laser, Winter made another flick of her wand, opening up a rift in the space-time continuum just a few feet from her. A bald superhero wearing a yellow jumpsuit, red gloves, and a white cape jumped out from this rift, which closed immediately afterward.

"Oh shit," exclaimed ogre-Mercury.

Weiss turned and asked, "What is…"

 _ **-PSHOOOOOO!-**_

A great beam of light surged over the group, though instead of disintegrating them, the light seemed to curve around Shrek, who gathered Chakravartin's energy in the palms of his powerful ogre hands. Weiss had to shield her eyes from the light surrounding the group, which tore through the streets around them.

Through the deafening roar of the laser blast, Weiss could hear her sister's voice, "Saitama, eliminate them!"

"Yes, Fairy Godmother."

As soon as the blast subsided, the bald superhero dove in from up high to punch Shrek in the face. Although barely noticeable, his eyes glowed a slight shade of red, due to the Fairy Godmother's powerful love magic.

"Everyone get back!" said Professor Ozpin.

Just before the punch connected, everyone jumped off to the side, landing on top of the buildings flanking the street.

 _ **-KAPOW!-**_

Saitama's singular punch drove Shrek straight through the middle of the street, causing it to come crumbling down into the sewers below. Several buildings began to fall as Shrek's heavyweight body slammed into its vital underground supports.

However, even though Shrek's body had been bruised quite a bit, not even the titular One Punch Man could punch through all of Shrek's layers.

"Is that all you've got?"

The nigh invincible superhero smirked a bit, and walked forth to chase down his opponent, "At last, I have found an opponent worthy of my abilities."

As Shrek emerged from the rubble and charged at Saitama to deliver his own counter-punch, Yang jumped over to Winter's left side, and prepared to deliver her own punches. A ghostly figure of Asura rose up from behind Yang and began to mimic her movements.

"Feel my Hell-bound fury!"

Both Yang and her unusual Stand delivered a thousand blows into the barrier conjured up by Chakravartin. Although Winter returned to her usual calm, now that Shrek was occupied with Saitama, the barrier seemed like it was just about to crack.

Then out of nowhere, Italian Spiderman teleported right besides Yang, and then snapped his fingers right into her left shoulder, sending her flying towards the west shore.

"What?" exclaimed Weiss as Saitama had been thrown across the river by one of Shrek's punches, "I thought you were on our side!"

"I'm not on anyone's side, pussy-cat," Italian Spiderman responded.

Over on the ground, Ruby trotted back to her own scythe, and then lifted it up with her own Stand.

"You hurt my sister!"

In a seemingly futile effort, Ruby charged at the red-sweater superhero, who simply teleported out of the way before knocking her on her back.

 _ **-POW!-**_

A shot from Gaston's rifle punched into the cosmic barrier protecting Winter and her god-like Stand, but it did not seem to have much effect.

However, Gaston did not seem at all faltered by this, for he called out to the townsfolk of Vale even though most of them had likely perished in the chaos. "Who does she think she is, trying to take all of Shrek's love for herself? Not even the dreaded Yuno Gasai, she who bedded Yukiteru and gave birth to young Neopolitan, would ever engage in such foul play! Not only is this a crime against all human decency, but it is an affront to our great lord Shrek and everything he stood for!

"This woman who calls herself the Fairy Godmother has done nothing but inhibit the spread of Shrek's love! We cannot let this be, for like Tiberium, Shrek's love must spread across the world! Hear me, citizens of Vale! Today marks the day of the Great Shrekoning! Though many of you may be ghosts lingering through time and space, we must unite as one to defeat the Fairy Godmother!"

At this moment, Gaston suddenly threw his gun to the side before continuing his speech. "I may be but one man, but inside my chest of manhood lies an untapped pool of limitless resolve! When you believe in yourself and when you believe in Shrek, then there is nothing you cannot overcome! That is why I throw my gun aside, because not even the fire of a thousand machine guns could match the tempo of my punches!"

As cheers resounded throughout the land, Gaston leaped down to street level, dodging a fully-charged laser from Chakravartin.

As Gaston attempted to roll into his next attack, Italian Spiderman teleported behind him, and unloaded a hellfire of bullets into the back of his skull.

"You think you're tough shit, Sherlock? You ain't nothin' without me."

"Leave him alone!" Ozpin shouted as he ran up to Italian Spiderman. Yet although the superhero attempted to pull the same trick with the old professor, Ozpin simply pulled up his green barrier, wave-dashed, and then struck his cane into Italian Spiderman's stomach. Mercury Black followed this up with a few kicks of his own, just barely dodging some of Winter's magical beams.

Coughing up some blood, Italian Spiderman rolled off to the side and then used one of his teleports to stand back up. "How the hell did you sneak up on me like that? You fuckin' lost to Qrow, and he's at least a thousand times weaker than I am."

"I'm an ogre now, remember?" Ozpin retorted.

"And so am I," said Mercury.

"Fuck," said Italian Spiderman, "I knew I shouldn't have gotten myself involved in this mess."

"Prepare to get Shrekt!" said Yang as she emerged from the rubble.

Even though Italian Spiderman probably could have teleported away at any time he wanted, the three of them steadily walked closer, with donkey-Ruby also joining their ranks.

Winter was seething with rage by this point, "This is insidious! How is it that three measly runts like you are able to stand up to one of the strongest superheroes in the entire universe?"

"Give it up, Winter!" Weiss said as she leaped down to street level.

"You…" Winter growled, before using her Stand to encapsulate her sister into another bubble.

This time, however, Weiss, channeling the full power of the force into her two blades and fueled by her own determination, plunged through the barrier, shattering it completely.

"No! That shouldn't be possible!"

However, Weiss at this point was charging at Winter's barrier, ready to hack through it with her newfound strength.

Winter and her Stand suddenly rose up into the air, high above the city skyline, "Screw it!"

With another flick of her wand, Winter summoned at least two dozen Daleks around her, each of which made confused cries of "Exterminate?" to each other.

"Get them!"

The Daleks all united at Winter's command and then dove down into the streets, unleashing a barrage of disintegrating fire.

Following this, Winter tore another rift into the fabric of reality with her magic wand, out of which came Meta Knight and a horde of Waddle Dees and Waddle Doos.

As the Daleks and Waddle Dees moved to assist Italian Spiderman, Meta Knight dove down to confront Weiss.

"Hello, Miss Schnee," said Meta Knight as a Spanish guitar inexplicably played somewhere nearby. "I have been sent here to kill you."

Even though Meta Knight was much smaller than her, his attacks came with such shocking swiftness that even Weiss had difficulty blocking them. All of his swipes, strikes, and spins struck at her faster than anyone else she had ever known, and furthermore, all of his attacks received priority over her own. Meta Knight might have sounded like a cross between Antonio Banderas and Puss In Boots, but that did not make him any less of a formidable opponent.

Yang and the others were doing quick work on the horde of Waddle Dees and Waddle Doos, but their sheer numbers allowed Italian Spiderman and the Daleks to score a number of hits of their own, one of which had incapacitated Mercury.

"Fight on without me," he said.

Right at about this moment, Adam's mech, with many components in disrepair, appeared down the street, and fired into the horde with its bolter.

"Adam!" shouted Ruby, who had largely been ignored throughout the fight despite her vulnerability.

Although some of the Blake-mech's shots had destroyed some of the Daleks, Winter simply spawned in more.

"Giving up already, Miss Schnee?"

Meta Knight made several more rapid swipes at Weiss, before performing a spinning attack which knocked her backwards.

"I beat Gandhi and Nora. There's no way in hell I'm gonna lose to a schmuck like you!"

Weiss pushed herself out of the rubble. Even though Meta Knight could have rushed in and killed her then, he stood back, waiting until his opponent was ready.

Meta Knight drew out his sword once more, "En garde!"

As Weiss zipped out of the way of Meta Knight's next attack using the aid of one of her glyphs, four more figures appeared from the rooftops nearby.

"Don't worry Weiss," said Melanie as she dove down into the midst, "we're coming to help too!"

"Yeah!" shouted her twin sister, "we're still relevant!"

"Yo Weiss!" said a Banjo robot with Sun's voice. "Check it out! I'm fucking Mogar!"

Scarlet David then rested his arm around the Banjo robot. "Team Nice Dynamite is here to save the day!"

Briefly distracted by these sudden appearances, Weiss had almost gotten hit by another of Meta Knight's sword swipes, but she swiftly dodged out of the way.

As Scarlet and robo-Sun jumped down to help clear out the horde, Melanie swooped down with the aid of her feathered semblance while Miltia rode in on a series of conjured vines. A series of blasts from Chakravartin threatened to do them in, but the two of them were swift to dodge them.

At around this point, Saitama's body, now covered in dust, scratches and bruises, flew over the cityscape back into the northern districts, with Shrek soon following after him. In the brief instant that Weiss saw him, Shrek had also been pretty badly beaten up, but it still looked like he would endure.

In the brief moment that Shrek flew by, the Daleks stopped firing, and looked at each other confusedly.

"What is this that I am feeling?"

"No, we Daleks cannot live with this emotion."

"Being Dalek is suffering."

Weiss had no idea why the Daleks suddenly went awry, but in that brief moment, Ozpin, Yang, Sun, and Scarlet rushed through the wave of goons in an attempt to tackle Italian Spiderman.

"Enough!" shouted Winter from above, as her god-like stand sent another beam of pure energy down at the group below, tearing through the planet's crust and boring down deep into Remnant's core.

Although Mercury, Gaston, and Sun fell down deep into Hell, the others had managed to get out of the way.

"No! Mogar!" Scarlet cried out.

As this was happening, Melanie and Miltiades had moved in to assist Weiss, with Mel firing off a series of feathers and Miltia moving around to get into a better position.

"Your lack of honor is profoundly disturbing," said Meta Knight.

Although the elite star warrior was able to deflect every single feather with his golden sword, Miltia used this time to wrap her great vines around Meta Knight's round body, as he was too distracted to run away.

When he realized what was happening, Meta Knight attempted to cut through Miltia's vines, but once he was about halfway free, his sword got stuck in one particularly large vine.

"Curses!"

This provided Weiss just the opportunity she needed. Now that her opponent was mostly restrained, Weiss jumped on Miltia's vines and plunged her lightsaber into his thick armor.

"I have… been defeated."

The yellow eyes glowing from Meta Knight's visor then faded out, and the vines around him began to crumble into dust.

Weiss turned to the Malachite sisters, watching out from any more attacks from her older sister, "Thanks. But why did you two decide to help out?"

"Ozpin bugged us about it," Mel responded flatly. "When a guy who's supposed to be dead suddenly shows up as an ogre, you can't really afford to say no."

"Yeah," said Miltiades, "Shrek is really fucking strong! I bet he could take on Kung Fu Jesus and the Avatar without breaking a sweat."

In the meantime, Ozpin, Scarlet, Adam and Yang had cleared through the horde of Waddle Dees and Waddle Doos, and were now putting the pressure on Italian Spiderman.

"So this is how it's gonna be, eh?" said the red-sweater superhero. "Looks like it's time to get serious."

Italian Spiderman licked his lips, and then he pulled down his pants, revealing his ten-foot-long, fully erect penis.

"It's showtime!"

Floating just inches off the ground, Italian Spiderman twisted to the side and then spun round and round, his dick shredding anything it touched like a top-quality buzz-saw blade. Ozpin and Scarlet had managed to dodge out of the way, though the edge just missed Yang's hair by a quarter of an inch.

Ducking underneath the attack, Yang Xiao Long aimed her shot-gauntlets at Italian Spiderman's fully exposed balls.

 _ **-POW!-POW!-**_

The two shots sent Yang backwards, though they didn't seem to have any effect on the Italian superhero.

As his feet skidded across the edge of the sidewalk, Italian Spiderman slowly transitioned out of his spinning attack, turning to face his adversaries. "My balls are made of hardened steel! Now, let me show you…"

 _ **-BAM!-**_

Shrek, flying in from out of nowhere, slammed right into Italian Spiderman, crashing through several buildings nearby. The friction from Italian Spiderman's body hair created a twin trail of flames, and his dick tore a deep crack straight through Remnant's surface.

"Ow," said Shrek as he struggled to get back up. Even though he had not suffered any serious bodily injuries, he had suffered quite a few bruises to his face.

Saitama, also mostly unharmed, then flew in to deliver one final punch to Shrek. "You have fought well, friend, but I'm afraid that this will be the end for you."

"Oh, gee, you really think so?" Shrek replied back.

Just as Saitama was inches away from him, Shrek bent back, Matrix-style, and then grabbed onto Saitama's legs with his powerful ogre hands.

"Ogre my dead body!"

Quickly transitioning into his next move, Shrek jumped off Italian Spiderman's butt-cheeks and then began to swing Saitama round and around, like he was Super Mario himself. A localized tornado formed where he was standing, which began to collect any rubble or trash that had been nearby.

Once he had gained enough angular momentum, Shrek let go of One Punch Man's legs and said, "So long king baldy!"

When Shrek released his grip, Saitama was sent flying at Winter with such speed that not even _he_ had enough time to adjust his trajectory.

Saitama's body instantly shattered the barrier protecting Winter and Chakravartin, though through sheer luck, Winter just barely dodged a direct hit.

Shortly after, the remaining Daleks began to jitter uncontrollably from Shrek's ogrewhelming presence.

"Help us!" one of them cried out.

"No! This is emotion is too unnatural for Daleks!"

"It burns us! It burns us!"

As all the Daleks all began to scream in unimaginable pain, one by one, their salt-shaker shells began to fall to the ground as the flesh inside them gave out. As the Daleks had been creatures forged from pure hatred and dreck, their bodies could not handle the sheer magnitude of Shrek's ogre love.

"No!" said the Fairy Godmother. "How is this possible! Saitama was supposed to be the strongest superhero in all of history! How could an ogre like you defeat someone like him!" Winter seethed with pure rage, and the Stand on her back began to charge several lasers at once. "Fine, if I cannot defeat you directly, then I shall destroy the whole universe instead!"

Winter's body soared higher and higher, and once she was at least five miles above the surface, she waved her arms downward, prompting Chakravartin to do the same.

"Farewell my love! _AHAHAHAHAHA!"_

 _ **-FSHOOOOOOOO!-**_

All of Chakravartin's many golden arms then fired their golden lasers deep into Remnant's surface like an apple slicer. Parts of the clouds that covered Vale gave way after Winter's attack but even now that the sun shined on Vale, the battle was still far from won.

But, now that Winter's threat had subsided for the moment, Weiss got down onto her knees and took a breather. Even though the dark clouds were not completely gone, there was something mesmerizing about seeing the bright blue sky above Vale after it had been gloomy for so long.

"Uh, where did Italian Spiderman go?" asked Miltia.

"Don't you worry about him," said Shrek. "We've got a lot of business to take care of."

Weiss heard Ruby trot over to where she was, leaping over the great rifts lining the city, but in the midst of her trance, she suddenly saw Chakravartin grow rapidly in size, until he eclipsed all that was visible above Vale's surface.

"Guys…" Weiss warned.

"How big is he?" asked Ruby.

"Pretty darn big," said Shrek, "though I betcha he's compensating for something."

"I've heard of something like this," said Adam as he stepped out of his Blake-mech. "If this is anything like that movie I saw the other day, then the Fairy Godmother and her pet are sitting right at the edge of the universe."

"You sure?" asked Yang.

"That's like a bajillion miles away!" Ruby added.

"I'm positive," said Adam. "That doesn't mean we can't take him, though we'll have to find some way to get there."

"Yeah," said Ruby, "but how long have we got?"

"Plenty of time," said Shrek.

All of a sudden, the great Ogrelord walked over towards Weiss and grabbed her, "Alright, Weiss, hold still for just a moment."

"Wha…"

Shrek then swept Weiss over and leaned in for a deep kiss. Despite the strange onion-flavored aftertaste on Shrek's lips, Shrek was a surprisingly good kisser.

"Oh wow…" Weiss remarked.

After a few seconds, Shrek leaned back, and put Weiss back upright. However, after a few seconds more, Weiss began to float up into the air against her own will, and she felt a surge of energy well up inside her much like when she had drunk Italian Spiderman's protein shake.

"It's happening…" Ruby said.

Everyone in the immediate area began to look upon Weiss with anticipation. Weiss could feel a faint, yet serene chorus lingering in the background, though she could not tell where it was coming from.

Once she was at least two feet off the ground, her arms and legs began to shine outward with a heavenly light, and the whole world began to glow much brighter than before.

As the whole world turned to white, Weiss heard Ozpin say, "This is the power of True Love's First Kiss."

Weiss could not tell what was going on around her, nor did she understand just what this spell was doing to her. She had given up on trying to find an explanation for things a long time ago. Still, she felt herself growing stronger and stronger, and she knew that, whatever Shrek had done to her, it would be beneficial somehow.

Eventually, the light had subsided, and Weiss felt like a person reborn.

"My beard, it's gone!"

Furthermore, Weiss's skin had turned green like Shrek and Professor Ozpin, and she had become a bit pudgier than usual.

"I'm… an ogre?"

When Weiss reached her hands up to where her ears had been, she instead felt whatever those green tubular things were in their place.

Even though she had seen similar results on Ozpin and Mercury, she was more than baffled to see the same procedure performed on herself.

"But, why?" asked Weiss.

She didn't mind the power gained from this new transformation, but she couldn't understand why she of all people would have received this gift, especially since she hadn't been one of those Shrek fanatics.

"It's what's in the heart that counts," said Shrek. "Besides, it'll really mess with your sister's head when she sees your new makeover."

"Can I be an ogre too?" said Ruby.

"Sure you can!"

Shrek then swept up donkey-Ruby in his arms and then gave her a hard kiss, which initiated her own transformation sequence.

"You know," said Yang, "you could transform back anytime you want to. That's what I did, cause those ear-things really messed with my hairdo."

"Eh, I'll keep this form for now," Weiss replied. "I kinda like Shrek's reasoning for it."

"We'll take the free power-ups too!" exclaimed Miltia.

"There's plenty more where that came from!" said Shrek. "But before I get to you ladies, there's still a couple more errands I need to run. Just wait here for a second."

Weiss watched as Shrek sprinted down the street to where Nora's rotting head remained. Using some sort of strange magical powers, Shrek lifted Nora's remains off the ground, and then reformed her head back into its proper shape before kissing it.

"The Great Shrekoning has begun," Ozpin remarked.

As Shrek ran down the street towards Adam's mech, a great light formed in the shape of Nora's body as her head floated off the ground, and about a minute later, Nora had been reborn, not as a vampire, but as an ogre.

 _"I live! MUAHAHAHAHA!"_ Nora said as she slowly descended back to the ground.

"Please tell me this isn't going to end badly," Weiss remarked.

"Hi Weiss! It looks like I'm one of the good guys now! Ugh, I can't believe Winter took over my role as the main bad guy of the story! Can you believe it? I mean this story was supposed to be about the epic battle between you and me over you stealing my delicious pancakes, but now there's actually a legitimate bad guy who's a threat to the whole universe!"

"We get it, Nora!" Weiss and Melanie shouted in unison.

Nora then looked up into the sky, finally noticing Winter's enormous Stand. "Oh… So how are we gonna deal with that?"

"Beats me," said Ruby.

"I think that Hindu god thing is similar to my Stand," Yang replied, "so we shouldn't have too much of a problem defeating it. The only problem is actually getting to it before it destroys everything."

At around this moment, a short, nearly bald teenage boy with a baggy white suit and rose tinted sunglasses wove his way into the group wearing a smile that could kill any man or woman he laid his eyes on.

With a single graceful stride and a snap of his fingers, Eddy turned around to address the rest of the group, "So, any of you fellas looking for a ride in our new spaceship?"

* * *

"Explain to me how I got roped into this again?" Roman asked as he fiddled with the bizarre array of controls before him.

"Well, you seem to be the most likely person that would know how to drive this," said Ruby. "Besides, it looks like you're doing a pretty good job."

"You know," said Yang, "we could have just taken the TARDIS."

"Or Gendo's old ship," Adam Taurus added.

"What are you talking about?" asked Eddy. "This baby cruises like a lean, mean, dream machine!"

"Err… I'm not so sure about our prospects, Eddy," said Double-D.

"Eh, it works, somehow," remarked Weiss.

In spite of the fact the ship was literally made out of plywood, cardboard, duct tape, and styrofoam, somehow it was cruising faster than the speed of light without any signs of structural failure, even with Ed banging his head on the walls. Although Weiss found it hard to believe, it somehow had managed to clear the edge of the galaxy in less than two minutes, even though almost all of modern science claimed such a feat was impossible.

Even more curious was the fact Shrek and Nora Valkyrie, who had somehow retained her powers from absorbing Gilgamesh and Hitler, were managing to keep up pace.

"Well," said Blake, "I'm just glad to have my old body back."

"The whole team is back together again!" Ruby cheered. "And we're all ogres too!"

"I'm sure that is something we can all celebrate," said Ozpin.

Adam shrugged, for even though he had been present at the initial gathering, he had not been turned into an ogre like the others.

"Did we forget Scarlet?" asked Miltia.

"I think he went down into the pit to look for Sun, or Mogar, or whatever his name is," answered Mel.

Weiss looked out through one of the side windows, which was actually just an empty space instead of glass or some other transparent substance. Even though only ten or so minutes had passed, their home galaxy was far, far away now. Looking through the cockpit, Winter, using the power of her Stand and magic wand, had been crushing several galaxies together, using the explosive power of their stars to send solar beams into other galaxies and create larger chain reactions. Although barely perceptible, she had also conjured forth a sticky-ball from _Katamari Damacy_ , using it to collect the rubble from the cataclysmic destruction she wrought.

Yet, in spite of the sheer size and power of their opponent, they were more than ready.

"Shit, we've got incoming!" shouted Roman.

In the flash of an instant, the ship suddenly jerked downward as an unseen comet flew by overhead.

Chakravartin's voice echoed throughout the universe. "So, you have finally come." It was hard to tell whether it was the god speaking or whether Winter was speaking through him, but the result was the same either way. "Prepare to meet your maker!"

With the hands currently unoccupied with performing elaborate ceremonial gestures, Winter's subservient god unleashed a battery of lasers in the ship's general direction, which tore through several unseen galaxies in the way. However, even though they were all concentrated on the ship, Shrek zoomed forth and blocked the laser beams with his palms, creating a small zone of safety through which the ship could travel. Although it was difficult to see through the vast reaches of the cosmos, the parts of the beam Shrek could not block disintegrated innumerable stars, planets, and galaxies behind them, though Remnant itself and the galaxy it inhabited were spared.

"Did ya really think that trick would work when it didn't work last time?" Shrek called out.

"How can you take such pride in your victory when everything you love is dying around you?" echoed Winter's Stand. "Stars and planets are dying by untold undecillions, and yet you can still laugh as if it were nothing?"

"Eh, I can fix it later. I'm The Doctor after all."

"Insolence!" Winter exclaimed through her all-powerful deity. "I am The Master of all things! Your ass is mine by right!"

"You mean Dunkeh? You _could_ have him if you'd like."

"Why couldn't you just stay locked up in my pretty little sex dungeon like a good little boy? I could have given you anything you wanted!"

"Jesus," said Roman, "she sounds crazier than Neo, and that's saying something."

"Can I have a chicken?" Ed asked the Fairy Godmother.

"Perhaps, if you're willing to eliminate these fools for me."

"But chickens are my friends and they are so cute and cuddly!"

Ed then dropped down, spinning and laughing on the floor.

"Useless ingrates…" murmured the Fairy Godmother.

"Give it up, Winter," Shrek called out.

"Yeah!" Ruby added.

"Errggh… very well," spoke Winter. "It matters not how far your willpower has brought you. I have attained divine mastery over the powers of creation and destruction. No matter how long you continue to resist, you _will_ bow before me!"

With a flick of her wrist, Winter and her enormous Stand sent a galaxy spiraling towards the spaceship at over a trillion times the speed of light. Although many of its component stars, planets, comets, black holes, and asteroids had threatened to tear the ship apart, Roman's swift maneuvers, combined with Nora and Shrek's help, allowed the ship to pass through safely.

One of Chakravartin's many arms then swept across, and several large planetoids appeared right next to him. Although sheer distance made it difficult to make out, several cracks began to open up in each of these planets, and several large stone beak-like shapes began to form on their surfaces.

Bright light began to form in the middle of these beaks.

"Heads up Roman!"

Upon Melanie's warning, Roman swerved the ship down do dodge the incoming beam fire from the multiple Gohma Vlitras and Winter's bound god.

"Hmph…"

With another flick of her magic wand, the Fairy Godmother then conjured a wormhole just a few light years ahead of the group.

As the spaceship and its escorts had less than a millisecond to react to this new obstacle, they were all sucked into it.

"Shit!" said Ruby. "What are we going to do?"

"Don't worry," said Nora, "I've got this!"

Nora then drove Ea into the surrounding walls of the rift, cutting it open and thus preventing the wormhole from taking them wherever it was going to take them.

Once they were out, Nora made another swipe at Winter's planetoid monstrosities. Even though Winter and her conjurations were at least a few septillion light years away, Nora's attack had cleared the distance in just a few seconds, destroying the multiple Vlitras almost instantly and creating a sizable cut into Chakravartin's glowing chest.

 _"OGREKILL!"_ Nora cheered.

As the Ed boys' space ship crossed through the cosmos, Winter threw several more galaxies in its way, this time pushing several quadrillion stars into premature supernova to cut off any windows of escape. However, the ship itself seemed to pass through unfazed.

"How the hell are we surviving through all this?" wondered Melanie.

"See?" said Eddy. "This baby runs like a dream!"

However, that brief celebration was interrupted by the sound of Italian Spiderman's body slamming into the cockpit.

"I'm back, bitches!"

Weiss was about to ask how Italian Spiderman had managed to cross half the width of the universe so quickly, but then she remembered that he was Italian fucking Spiderman.

Although the collision initially slowed the ship down, it had managed to quickly regain the momentum it had lost. Italian Spiderman then propelled himself backward until he was stationary relative to the ship's frame of reference, his ten-foot-long dick in full plain view.

Yang stepped towards the front of the ship, and then looked out the window towards Shrek. "You think I should help?"

"Nah, we'll be…"

"Feel my ogre wrath!"

Nora then swerved on her golden craft and attempted to drive Ea through Italian Spiderman, but once it made contact with his fully erect penis, it shattered instantly.

"What? How is that possible? That was supposed to be Gilgamesh's sacred ancestral sword which is the most powerful sword in the entire universe! How the fuck did it break?"

"I guess it wasn't quite hard enough."

As Italian Spiderman attempted to drive his penis through Nora's side, Shrek intercepted his attack, blocking it with his left forearm.

"Oh yeah?" said Shrek. "Well two can play at that game!"

Shrek then lowered his pants and whipped out his twenty-four-foot-long, seven-inch-diameter, fully eshrekt, ogre-sized penis.

"Holy shit that is big!" Roman remarked.

Italian Spiderman tried to teleport in to touch Shrek with his erect penis, but he could not overcome Shrek's immense reach. Each time their dicks made contact with each other, Italian Spiderman yelped out in pain, for his penis was nowhere near as hard as Shrek's ogre-sized cock.

He then warped away and said, "Fuck it, looks like I'm gonna have to use my ultimate technique!"

As Italian Spiderman began to lift up his shirt, Adam looked on in horror. "No… It can't be…"

Although Shrek tried to sweep in and stop him, not even he could prevent the terror that was to be unleashed.

Italian Spiderman began to do the Truffle Shuffle.

As the near naked superhero performed his arcane dance, the whole ship shook with unimaginable seismic fury. Almost everyone tried to shield their eyes from the unspeakable horror that was unleashed, but no one could cleanse the nefarious image from their minds.

"Ewww! Ewwww!" Ruby cried out.

"I think I'm gonna hurl," said Miltia.

"That is quite frankly the most disturbing thing that I have ever seen," Blake said flatly.

Whole cardboard sections of the ship began to collapse in on themselves, and almost everyone had been consumed by a fit of absolute panic.

"Eddy!" cried out Double-D. "The hull integrity has been compromised! We need to evacuate or we're all gonna die!"

"Relax," said Eddy. "This ship can handle it."

"How on earth do you expect this thing to hold when we made it in a cave with a box of scraps?"

"I wanna go home!" cried Ed.

As the chaos unfolded around him, Roman could only look on in abject horror as Italian Spiderman's mystic dance enthralled him.

However, after a few seconds had passed, Shrek had managed to close the distance, whereupon he then sliced Italian Spiderman in half with his hard ogre penis, sending his body flying far out into the distant cosmos.

"Well, that takes care of him then."

Shrek then put his pants back on and turned around to face the others.

"Let's finish this once and for all!"

Now that everyone had been freed from Italian Spiderman's bizarre spell, the spaceship continued on its course, growing ever closer to Winter and her Stand.

"H-how the hell did you survive that?" Winter's voice echoed throughout the universe.

"I eat six bowls of mashed potatoes and gravy for breakfast every morning!" Ed exclaimed.

"Before anyone says anything," said Adam, "nobody quote that fucking Kamina guy, alright?"

"You have some beef against him?" Yang asked.

"Just… don't."

Ruby shrugged and then moved to the front of the ship, "We're a lot tougher than we look, Fairy Godmother!"

As several resounding cries of "Yeah!" echoed across the ship, all of Chakravartin's arms spread out in mimicry of Winter's motions.

"Ugh!" echoed Winter's voice through her all-powerful deity. "Why won't you just die already?"

All of Chakravartin's glowing arms were then flung down, and over two septillion celestial bodies came flying towards the ship and its crew.

Yang then ran up to one of the side windows. "Nora, let me in on some of the action!"

"Sure thing!"

Nora then let her golden glider slide up to the side of the ship. When Yang jumped out an took the helm, Nora backflipped off, entered into her Super Saiyan form and began firing energy blasts and the incoming shower of celestial bodies.

"I'm helping too!" Ruby said as she ineffectually shot some of the planetoids with her sniper-scythe.

As Roman made deft maneuvers to dodge everything and Weiss stepped forward to block some of the smaller asteroids with her glyphs, Yang zipped around on her new craft and punched at the incoming projectiles with her now deployed Stand.

Although the ship had managed to dodge most of the initial projectiles, some of the planetoids and stars were spiraling into much greater masses, until some of them began to form enormous black holes.

Most of them were too far away to make any significant impact, but even with Roman's expert piloting skills, one of them began to loom close.

"Shit!" said Roman. "I can't fucking turn for some reason!"

"We're all gonna die!" screamed Double-D.

"No need to worry yourselves over nothing," Shrek reassured.

As panic began to slowly set in once more, Shrek then zipped forward a billion light years ahead to where the black hole was and then grabbed it with his powerful ogre hands. Without breaking a sweat, Shrek spun around like a bladed top, and then hurled the black hole towards Chakravartin like an Olympic shot put player.

"He isn't called the Ogrelord for no reason," said Ozpin.

Throughout all the chaos Weiss had almost forgotten that Professor Ozpin was still there, seeing how rarely he spoke. She didn't understand why he, Adam, Blake, or the Malachite sisters didn't contribute much to the fight, but then again, she wasn't sure whether they would make much of a difference, judging by Ruby's performance.

Seconds later, the black hole Shrek had thrown landed right into Winter's giant Stand, creating a sizable hole in his shining body.

"No…" Winter cried out.

"It's all ogre for you," said Shrek.

Shrek zipped across the cosmos to collect the black holes Winter's deity had thrown, and then launched them right back at him using his immense ogre strength. With every blow that landed, Chakravartin's divine body began to crack further and further.

" _HOW DO YOU CONTINUE TO DEFY ME? ERAAAAGHHHHH!"_

Now that the group was only 20,000 quadrillion light years away, Winter then threw her great Katamari ball towards the ship.

"Dear god," said Adam.

During the time that the Ed boys' ship had traveled across the universe, the Fairy Godmother's giant ball had grown to encompass a radius of over nine thousand galaxies, densely packed to the core. Although Nora attempted to pepper it with her super-powered energy bolts, they seemed to have no overall effect on the ball's momentum. Even Shrek seemed reluctant to approach it, considering how much greater in size it was than any black hole he had encountered thus far.

"Wow," said Roman. "Where the hell is Charles Barkley when you need him?"

It was true. Nothing short of a Chaos Dunk could take down a motherfucker of this size and magnitude.

Yet, as hopeless as it seemed, Weiss stepped forward to the helm.

"Let me try something."

Using the lessons that Gandhi had taught her, Weiss closed her eyes brought both her hands forth. She concentrated all her might and willpower into the giant ball ahead, using the power of The Force to push it right back.

At first, the massive sphere did not seem to budge, but with the help of Weiss's newfound ogre strength, slowly and surely it began to decelerate.

"The old man taught you well," said Adam.

After about a minute or two, the ball came to a complete stop, and then began to drift back towards Chakravartin.

 _"BAKA!"_ screamed Winter. "Quit interfering with my plans you stupid, idiot sister!"

"Wow, Winter," said Weiss as she awoke from her trance, "you've really lost it."

Weiss couldn't imagine how this was the same person who had regularly chastised her during childhood. As prone to petty grudges as she was, Winter usually maintained a calm, if stringent, composure.

"Yeah," said Yang, "all that power's really gotten into your head."

"Quiet you!"

Winter then blasted the super-sized ball with her magic wand, splintering it into a trillion pieces. Once the ship had passed the wreckage, Winter was now visible in plain sight, even if she was only a tiny speck at this distance.

"Get ready guys," said Shrek as he drifted close to the ship.

"You may have made it this far," said the Fairy Godmother, "but this will be the end for you!"

As Chakravartin swung his arms at the ship, Winter swept her magic wand and summoned an array of flak frigates. Furthermore, she dove deep into her Stand's belly as if plunging into a pool of honey.

Shrek approached the great god and spoke. "You think your pretty-boy Prince Charming will save you? I've fought more puny Rumplestiltskins that are tougher than you are! I have slain dragon armies by the thousands of billions, and if you think you are safe in the highest window of the tallest tower, think again! Your time is ogre! Repent Fairy Godmother, or bear witness to the unholy fury of our Great Shrekoning!"

Professor Ozpin pressed up his glasses and looked onward. "It begins."

Nora Valkyrie, Yang Xiao Long, Ruby Rose, Professor Ozpin, and Shrek all rushed forth to take Chakravartin head on. The ship then made a sudden swerve, just barely missing Chakravartin's gigantic body. Blake ran up to one of the side windows and then anchored Gambol Shroud into the god's skin, dragging into it as the ship circled round.

"Get on!"

At Blake's cue, both Adam and Weiss then leaped onto Blake's narrow ribbon and then used it to glide down onto the god's belly. Although it was much too big for their weapons to have much effect, Weiss ran toward where she last saw Winter, dodging Nora's Super Saiyan bolts.

"How long do you think it will take?" asked Adam.

"No idea."

With each second that passed, Chakravartin's skin crumbled and cracked due to the combined assault from Weiss's allies. As much as the deity's arms and Winter's escort ships tried to bring them down, their attacks did not seem to have much effect.

The divine glow from Winter's giant Stand began to fade, and soon Weiss saw Winter lurking deep down in Chakravartin's body, shielded by a thin spherical barrier as she conjured up a portal to some unknown dimension. Even though her Stand had been taking significant damage, Winter seemed largely unharmed.

When Winter saw Weiss, she whipped her magic wand, causing a series of spikes to shoot out from the surface and send both Weiss and Adam flying.

Seconds later, Weiss found herself holding on tightly to Ruby's scythe.

"I've got you, Weiss."

As the heiress waited for her partner to fling her back down, she saw just how extensive the destruction that her friends had wrought really was. Although Nora and Ozpin were doing decent structural damage with their combined ogre strength, most of the cracks seemed to have resulted from Shrek and Yang's rapid punches.

"Ready?" Ruby asked as she began to turn her scythe back.

But just then, several of Chakravartin's arms began to break off.

"No," said Winter's Stand. "How can this… Curse you Fairy Godmother!"

In his final moments, the effects of the Fairy Godmother's love potion were beginning to wear off, and he once more he remembered who he truly was. But it was too late.

"It's all ogre."

Shrek delivered one last punch to Chakravartin, and his whole body disintegrated to dust.

"Wow," said Ruby, watching the spectacle in front of her.

For Weiss, however, there were more important matters.

Now that her deity no longer protected her, Winter was now vulnerable.

"Ruby, now!"

"Right!"

Using the recoil from her Big Dick, Ruby spun round and around, and then threw Weiss straight at Winter and her shield.

"You're dead Winter!"

The Fairy Godmother grit her teeth, made a flick of her magic wand to finish her portal, and then leaped into it, disappearing into a white void.

"She's getting away!" Ruby cried out to the others.

From high up above, Shrek plunged down through the Fairy Godmother's barrier, reached his hands around the portal as it was closing and then held it open.

"Get in!" Shrek called out.

Even though Shrek was by far the strongest individual Weiss had seen, even he was having trouble keeping the portal open, as it was steadily trying to close on its own via the Fairy Godmother's powerful magic.

Weiss quickly conjured up several haste glyphs underneath her, used the power of The Force to propel herself forward, and then jumped into the portal to Winter's demiplane.

However, just a second after Weiss had jumped in, the portal swiftly closed shut, slicing both of Shrek's hands in half.

"ARRGGGHHHHH!" the Ogrelord howled out in pain.

The others had rushed to follow the heiress into the portal as well, but they were far too late. Even with Shrek's immense ogre strength and his dimension-traveling police box, not even he could reach the demiplane Winter had created.

"Weiss…" Ruby cried out.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry for the late update. This chapter took a lot longer to write up than I expected. I hope it was worth the wait.**

 **Gonna give a shout out to _Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden_ , by Tales of Games. The actual title's much longer but I don't feel like typing it out. You should probably check it out if you haven't already, as it's a pretty decent game.**

 **I was considering on including Cinder in the space battle, but I kinda decided not to. I was already losing track of who was on the space ship as is.**

 **Anyway, the next chapter might also take a while to write, depending on how much stuff I have to cover. Be sure to stay tuned!**


	38. It's All Ogre

At first, there was only pure whiteness, but after a minute the void transformed into a long, column-lined hallway lit up by dim torchlight. A small window containing that same white nothingness shone at the far end where the door should have been, yet its light did not shine on the walls or floor nearby.

The whole place was quiet.

Winter was nowhere in sight, but Weiss was not so foolish as to try to call her out. If Winter did not know where she was already, doing so would only alert her to her presence.

Weiss instinctively jumped back towards one of the nearby columns, careful not to make too much noise on the hard tile below. Compared to the distant reaches of outerspace and the lightness she felt while soaring over Vale, the pull of gravity here seemed much stronger.

Although the heiress had never been here before, something about the place seemed familiar. Perhaps if Shrek had not graced this world with his presence, Ozpin and Cinder would have fought here over the inheritance of the Fall Maiden. But Shrek did come, and so those events never came to pass.

At the far end of the hall ahead was a large pair of metal doors where the life support machinery for the Fall Maiden should have been. Although instinct told her otherwise, it was possible her sister might have been hiding there.

Weiss cautiously made her way towards it, with both her lightsaber and Myrtenaster in hand.

"Hello again, sister."

That same, overwhelming sense of dread overcame her, but this time around, Shrek was no longer around to protect her. Weiss turned around uneasily as her more powerful sister approached from behind.

"Do you like it? I have made this place into my private sanctuary, for me and me alone. Much like The Doctor's TARDIS, I can use this facility to traverse through the multiverse as I please. I have never let anyone other than my most loyal servants inside this place before, so consider yourself lucky, sister.

"I'll admit, I do get quite flustered whenever my dear Shreky-chan is around, but now there will be no more interruptions. This realm is now cut off from all the others, so that means none of your friends can save you. You are all alone, exactly where I want you."

For a moment, the Fairy Godmother's spell loosened its grip, and Weiss shook her head to snap out of it. "Talk all you want, but we've beaten you every step of the way here!"

Winter chuckled at her sister's declaration. "Yes, yes, you've had your little victories here and there, but I was never in any real danger of actually losing. And besides, how can you call upon the power of teamwork when your teammates aren't around to help you?"

Winter gestured at the empty space behind Weiss, who simply looked on with fury.

"I may not have my Stand to back me up, but face it, Weiss, you're absolutely helpless!"

"SHUT UP!"

Conjuring a glyph underneath herself, Weiss propelled herself forward and prepared to strike down on her older sister, only to be met by a block from one of Winter's summons in the shape of Ruby.

"Do you have any idea of how predictable you are? I could see that type of move coming from a mile away!"

With the power of her ogre strength, Weiss kicked through the crystalline conjuration, and then followed up her attack by launching her lightsaber at Winter and firing a spray of Calico bullets. Winter simply flew out of the way and then lunged at Weiss with her own blade swipes, launching Weiss into one of the columns.

"How pathetic."

Weiss slowly pushed herself back up, and then backed off before Winter could land another blow.

"I'm an ogre now, sister…"

"Yes, I can see it quite plainly! How is it that a filthy, talentless runt like you gets to become an ogre before I do?"

It then occurred to Weiss that Winter's sonic screwdriver was incapable of transforming people into ogres, despite having no problem with other creatures.

"I was meant to be Shrek's beloved companion! How is it that disgraceful sluts like Cinder and Yang get to go on adventures with him instead of me? I was meant to have Shrek and his ogre powers, so why do you get to inherit that legacy? You were never meant to be the chosen one!"

Even as Weiss was still recovering, Winter kicked her in the gut, sending her tumbling down the hall.

Yet, in spite of this, Weiss stood back up. "Hit me all you like, but even if you hit me with all of your magic spells, I will not surrender to the likes of you!"

"And so what? Try all you like, but in the end your death and defeat are inevitable!"

Weiss once again leaped at Winter with her two blades, this time conjuring up an extended arm behind her should she try to retreat. However, her older sister simply fluttered out of the way, and then launched a blast of raw energy from her magic wand, which Weiss blocked with her lightsaber.

"Do you think the power of your own determination alone will suffice to defeat me? I have worked toward your demise ever since the day you were born, so don't even think about lecturing me on that willpower bullshit!"

With two sudden wave-dashes, Winter circled around Weiss and then punched her in the face with one of her blades in hand, sending her spiraling into the ceiling. As the younger sister began to fall down, the Fairy Godmother followed up with a blade skewering through her stomach, after she threw her back towards the ground before Weiss could make an opportunistic decapitation.

"I made it this far," Weiss said as she struggled to get back up. "I'm not going to give up just because of you. And even if I die here today, my friends will hunt you down!"

"How adorable," Winter chuckled. "What does it matter if Shrek is the strongest being in all of existence if he can't even reach me? I can pick and choose my battles at my leisure and even if he does find me, I can simply pull back into my own pocket or reality and then reappear in some other plane of existence! I'm the Fairy Godmother, remember? So long as I…"

The moment Weiss saw Winter draw her sonic screwdriver once more, she left Myrtenaster dangling in the air, and then fired upon it with her Calico.

Though, with a swift flick, Winter simply swept the wand out of the gun's line of fire, and then put it away.

"Dammmit…" whispered Weiss.

"Of course, it would never be that easy," Winter continued. "If a simple fluke like that were all it took to defeat me, I would have been long dead by now. Face it, Weiss, I am stronger than you, I am smarter than you, and I am far more pretty than you ever will be!"

"Well if you're so goddamn pretty," said Weiss, "why did Shrek abandon you?"

Winter's eyes twitched at this.

"I might not know all that much about him, but Shrek doesn't seem like the sort of person who would abandon just anyone." Weiss paused for a moment, reflecting on some of the stories Yang had told her on the way to the spaceship. "Qrow hated Shrek for almost his entire life, yet Shrek still came for him in the end."

"That's enough!"

Winter whipped out her magic wand once more, preemptively swerving out of the way in case Weiss attacked, and then tried blasting Weiss with it, tearing a wide, gaping crack in the middle of the hall.

"Shrek would never love someone as haggard as you or Qrow! I love Shrek! I love Shrek with all of my heart and soul! None of you bastards are worthy for the likes of my handsome Ogrelord!"

Winter made another wide sweep with her wand, launching forth a wide golden beam which tore right through the middle of the room. Parts of the floor began to collapse inward, revealing a large, round chamber made of crystal tile down below.

"You have nothing! You are nothing! You're just a stupid, worthless, unkempt, vagabond! There will be no happily ever after for you!"

As Winter made another attack, Weiss dodged out of the way once more. "You know, I didn't really give a crap about Shrek until just recently. But hey, I'll take any help I can get."

"Errghh! How can you possibly be so insolent?"

The Fairy Godmother made another lunge for Weiss with one of her blades, but Weiss simply leaped down into the large chamber below, whose glassy windows looked out into a bright, snowy abyss.

In her descent, Winter sheathed her blade, reached into a pouch strapped to her hip, and then drew out a single Pokeball.

"Pikachu, I choose you!"

Once the ball had enlarged in her hands, Winter threw it on the floor below. A stream of bright light then flew out of it, and the infamous rodent materialized just a few feet away from it.

Without saying a word, the yellow Pikachu swayed from side to side with a dead look in its eyes. There were bruises, cuts, swellings, and splotches of blood in several places.

Even though Weiss didn't really watch that much anime, she recognized the creature instantly.

"You…"

Winter merely giggled at her sister's horror. "Yes, Weiss, this is Ash's Pikachu. I have traveled to realms far and wide, collecting whatever things I found interesting. I'll admit that I had to use a bit of coercion to get that pesky rodent into the blasted Pokeball, but now, I am a genuine Pokemon master."

"You heartless bitch! Couldn't you have at least captured a Pokemon for yourself without stealing someone else's?"

While saying this, one of Pikachu's arms fell off, after which the yellow rodent attached it back on with the help of the Fairy Godmother's magic.

"What? It would have been far less satisfying doing things the old fashioned way. Besides, there's more where that came from!"

Winter pulled out two more Pokeballs from her pouch, and then threw them on the ground below.

"You see," said Winter as the balls poured out their contents, it was never my intention to fight you by myself when there was just the slim possibility of you besting me in a duel. I brought friends just for the occasion."

When the flashes cleared, two all too familiar human figures emerged as opposed to actual Pokemon.

"What the…" said Weiss. "Okay, now this is just bullshit."

Saber, fully donned in her anti-magic combat armor, stood at the ready, with wind gusting around where her sword should have been. Although maintaining her stoic composure, there was a glint of pink in her eyes due to the effects of the Fairy Godmother's love magic. Aside from her longer side-tails, her hairdo looked kinda similar to that one person whose name Weiss kept forgetting, though it seemed to be a lighter shade of blonde.

Standing next to her appeared to be a young, roughly Japanese-looking warrior with blood-soaked bandages wrapped over her eyes. She did not seem to be armed with any weapons, though that was a moot point, seeing as she was the princess of the Fire Nation.

"Recognize them?" said Winter. "They'll be the last thing you'll ever see!"

As dangerous as her opponents seemed, the situation did not seem entirely hopeless, as Weiss figured she could line up their attacks against each other.

After deploying two more Pokeballs, containing an over-farmed Veigar and Fox Mccloud, Winter made another flick of her wand, which caused the whole room to pulse with a turquoise hue.

"Ah yes, sister, I have disabled friendly fire for this dimension, so now we shouldn't have any more pesky complications."

Weiss grit her teeth. Although she could not tell whether the spell had the effect described, Weiss had no reason to believe the Fairy Godmother was merely bluffing.

Weiss was vastly outnumbered and outclassed, and furthermore she did not have any allies to fall back on. On top of that, as the former heiress was examining her situation, Winter took this opportunity to deploy her last remaining Pokeball, containing a hulking Frankenstein of a monster whose nigh infinite health pool only cemented her advantage.

"You weren't the only one who was busy, sister," said Winter. "As you were having fun going off on your little adventures, I was making sure my minions were properly fed and cared for. It might have taken a few hundred thousand sacrifices in terms of manpower, but I'm sure the costs were well worth the eventual payoff."

"You think the darkness is your ally?" said Veigar, who began to step ahead of the rest of the pack. "You've only discovered its existence! I was born in it! Raised by it! And when I discovered…"

Weiss simply looked on dumbfounded. "The fuck?"

Even as the little black mage continued to ramble on and on, there didn't seem to be any signs that he had been possessed by the Fairy Godmother like the others.

Sometime during this, Winter used her magic wand to silence Veigar and then began to speak herself. "Okay everyone! Mommy needs you all to do a special favor for her. I know many of you are just itching to go, but I'd like for you all to try not to get in each other's way, okay? Now, my children, eliminate this wretched delinquent from my sight!"

All of Winter's underlings then turned their eyes back towards Weiss, who slowly backed her way towards the edge of the chamber.

Winter then unmuted Veigar's voice. "…and so even if you may think otherwise, Shrek will never come to your aid! And now that the tables have turned, I will show you no mercy!"

Veigar then lifted up his rod and then launched a baleful strike of pure cosmic energy towards Weiss. As much as she tried to dash out of the way, the bolt continued to follow her.

Azula, hearing her movements, then channeled a shot of lighting towards her general direction, prompting Weiss to leap up onto one of her glyphs as the others rushed forth. Seeing as she would be unable to dodge Veigar's bolt, Weiss conjured a glyph to shield herself. Yet even though it had saved her from the brunt of the force, the resulting explosion threw Weiss back to the far end of the chamber, crashing through the window and out onto the snowy hillside.

Weiss felt the cold instantly, though it was nowhere near as cold as being out in outer space. She had half-expected to land into a void like when she had initially entered the demiplane, but she didn't pause to reflect on it too much.

Shortly after, several more crashes followed as Fox, Sion, Saber, and Pikachu chased after her. Something about the crystal dome she had fallen from reminded the former heiress of some old observatory she had visited in Atlas, though its proportions and dimensions didn't look like it could house the initial hall she had entered through.

Weiss was still quite wounded from her skirmishes with Winter before, but she was quickly recovering due to her innate ogre will.

Fox was the first one to reach her, and before she could react, the professional space furry delivered a rapid barrage of kicks, sending her into a boulder down the rapidly descending slope. Even in her fall, Fox came after her, though Weiss was quickly able to roll out of the way before he could continue his combo.

As Weiss struggled to stand back up, she felt the hard edge of Saber's sword cut into her, followed by an electrical discharge from Pikachu. Because of the sword's innate anti-magical properties, it not only tore but seared through her chest. Even Weiss's innate ogre healing seemed to be unable to mend the wound.

Weiss thought that she could try and isolate each of Winter's minions now that she was outside where she could take advantage of the terrain, but their constant pressure made that maneuver difficult, especially with Fox, Pikachu, and Saber's swiftness.

Farther upslope, she could see Sion, Veigar, and Azula running for her, with the Fairy Godmother high above them.

"What do you have to gain by continuing to oppose me, sister! No matter how hard you try, you will never have your happy ending! Just consider yourself lucky I don't have enough Pokeballs to unleash the hounds upon you!"

With a few flicks of her wand, Winter conjured a platform for Azula to stand on and provided Sion with thick, adamantine armor and a pair of eagle-like wings.

While Weiss had been distracted with these recent developments, Fox dashed in from down the slope, throwing her aside, and then spun around to blast her with his laser pistol.

The former heiress tried recovering from this, but Sion was rapidly descending upon her. As he charged, a blast of raw energy burst forth from his axe and came hurtling down toward her.

Weiss instinctively projected one of her glyphs to block the attack, which dissipated instantly upon contact, and then rolled out of the way before the giant could cleave his axe into her skull.

However, this maneuver had allowed Pikachu to quick-dash right underneath the heiress, and then prepare his ultimate attack.

" _PIKA!"_

 _ **-KABOOM!-**_

The thunderous blast sent Weiss hurtling up towards the sky, and while it distanced her from Saber's next assault, it left her wide open to a fiery spear from Azula, pushing her farther down the high hill.

Weiss's whole body was numb with pain. The whole world spun around her as the chill seeped into her skin.

 _Am I done for?_

Weiss immediately snapped out of her state of helplessness, springing herself back onto her feet. Even though she ached, she had survived much more significant injuries.

She just had to concentrate all her might and determination.

Using the power of The Force, Weiss was able to push Sion back a bit by focusing on his axe, though the others continued their advance. For whatever reason, she seemed unable to soar through the air as she had done against Nora, but that fact did not discourage her.

Far in the distance, Winter had conjured up a soft, pillow-like cloud for Veigar to ride on.

Weiss didn't have any immediate plans to fall back on, as she had only gotten this far through sheer dumb luck. The terrain wasn't steep enough for an avalanche to have any significant effect, and Weiss was mostly on flat ground by this point anyway.

Before Weiss could finish her thought, Saber came leaping in once more, her invisible blade raised up high. Weiss tried blocking the attack with one of her glyphs, but the sword simply slid through the glyph as if it were nothing, though luckily Weiss was able to rolled out of the way preemptively.

As the heiress backed herself further away, all seven of her adversaries drew in close.

"It's all ogre for you!" said Winter. "Do you not see how pointless your endeavors are? In this world and all others, my magical powers are unrivaled by any god or man, and with these powers, _I HAVE MADE ANIME REAL!_ The whole cosmos and multiverse bows to my whims! What chance do you have when you're just a dirty old vagabond whose talents consist of nothing but swinging a pointy stick?"

Weiss seethed in fury as her older sister continued to taunt her. As much as she would have liked to strike back, the others would simply rush in and intercept, so there was not much she could do.

She could run and try to evade her adversaries, but there did not seem to be a solution in sight.

In her desperation, Weiss prayed to Shrek, but no answer came.

 _What do I do now?_

She could fight on, but sooner or later, her own dust supplies and stamina would eventually run dry.

And then, a voice came to her.

 _Weiss Schnee,_ Gandhi's voice echoed, _only you can defeat the Fairy Godmother._

It wasn't the most useful advice at the moment, but any encouragement at this point was better than nothing.

Another voice came soon after.

 _Trust your inner senses,_ said Master Yi as Weiss imagined his visage floating before her.

At first, the statement puzzled her, but in the span of that very moment, Weiss had achieved enlightenment.

Weiss threw aside her lightsaber and Calico and then held Myrtenaster with both hands. An eerie green aura began to form around her, and as the heiress closed her eyes in meditation, her open wounds began to seal. A thin white glow formed along the length of her blade, and a low hum radiated from it.

Winter instantly realized something was amiss. "The hell is going on? Minions, stop standing around and stop her!"

Saber was the first to dash towards Weiss, but Weiss would not budge. When Saber swept her blade into Weiss's side, Excalibur simply bounced off Weiss's body, even though the heiress had no armor to speak of.

"H-how is that possible? Not even Shrek can resist the power of Saber's anti-magic!"

Winter made a graceful sweep of her wand and channeled a great beam of plasma towards her younger sister. Yet even though the landscape burned around her, whatever burns Weiss suffered began to heal up instantly.

Weiss's sister looked on in horror as the theme to _Space Jam_ began to linger through the air. "No… This cannot be…"

When Fox moved in to deliver a series of rapid kicks, Weiss exited her trance and drove Myrtenaster through Fox's skull. His body made a soft thump on the exposed soil. Weiss stepped forward, and then turned her rapier horizontal as if it were a samurai sword. Even though most of Winter's henchmen had been compelled by her love magic, even they were reluctant to approach the heiress in her new heightened sense of awareness.

"Do something!" Veigar screamed to the Fairy Godmother as he moved away on his cloud.

Winter used her magic wand to revive Fox Mccloud and then tried casting a flurry of spells at her sister, though none of them seemed to do any permanent damage.

"We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!" screamed Veigar.

"Get a hold of yourself!" Winter shouted back. Even though she still wasn't sure how Weiss was able to shrug off her attacks, she knew panicking wasn't an option. Yet when Winter turned back to face Weiss, she saw a visage so serene and disinterested that it chilled her to the bone.

"You know," said Weiss, "I don't really know if the world would have been better off had you not intervened. Maybe I was wrong to have stolen Nora's pancakes, but it was through your interference that it escalated to this level. You thought you could play the role of the Fairy Godmother, watching me suffer as you relaxed on your corporate throne, but I am not your goddamn entertainment, sister! The whole world is in shambles because of you!"

"SHUT UP!" screamed Winter as she fired a beam of silence towards Weiss, who simply deflected it with a slight tilt of Myrtenaster.

"I may not be as strong as you, sister. I may not have as many pets who can do my bidding or take my wounds for me, but I will destroy you. I do not care how much you love Shrek, I will destroy you for all the suffering you have wrought and for all the pointless deaths this war has brought!"

As she spoke, the glow around Weiss grew stronger and stronger, and her own ancestral blade began to crackle with strange, spiral-like energy. During this time, Sion had attempted to tackle Weiss and stun her with a concussive blow, but the combined power of Weiss's determination, Force, and willpower threw him back like a nuclear blast.

"I might not be as strong as Nora, Shrek, or Yang, and I may not know know to copy weapons and techniques like Velvet, but I am more than a match for you, Winter. For the longest time, all of these so-called Shrek disciples have claimed that I was the chosen one, and now I know why.

"I do not know which one of us has worked harder over the years, but the suffering I have endured over these past years more than makes up for your lifetime of scheming! While you were sitting comfy in your high corporate tower, I've been fighting for my damn life! With every skirmish I have been through, with every person I have slain or defeated, I have been growing stronger, even if I needed my friends to help me. Maybe if I had taken the time to examine my own talents, I would have used these skills earlier. But it does not matter. In these last few weeks alone, I have earned more than enough experience to take you head on!

"I have wandered the lands of Remnant to fight for the common hobo. I am a highlander and Jedi Master, heiress to the legacy of the ancient Indian chiefs. I have trained under the guidance of Gandhi, Master Yi, and Muhammad Avdol, from whom I have learned the arts of Kung Fu, Wuju, and Yu-Gi-Oh. My sword is the manifestation of my soul and will.

"The songs of spring sing in my favor, for your time is now ogre, Winter. I am your judge, jury, and executioner. Heaven's Great Shrekoning bears down upon you, and I shall show you no mercy."

" _EAAAAAAAGHHHHH!"_

In a fit of panic, Veigar leaped down from his high cloud and tried capturing Weiss in his Event Horizon.

But already it was too late.

"There can only be one!"

As Weiss's jam reached its full height and her spirit took on the demoknight's immortal grace, the heiress closed her eyes and held her blade upright.

"Wuju Style: Alpha strike!"

Just before the mage's stunning circle could land on her, Weiss dashed through the air with blinding speed, faster than even Sanic the Hedgehog. Saber, Sion, Veigar, and Fox all felt the full brunt of Weiss's attack, with Fox going down instantly.

" _NOOOOOOO!"_

Veigar awkwardly tried running away with his stubby little Yordle feet, but when Weiss was done, she landed right next to him, and then sliced him in two.

With two additional kills on her hands, Weiss reactivated her ultimate once more.

"GET TO THA CHOPPA!" Sion called out with a voice that resembled Arnold Schwarzenegger.

With Saber close behind him, Sion sprinted towards Weiss while activating his powerful shield. The Fairy Godmother nearly dropped her wand, shocked at Weiss's newfound surge in strength.

Once again, Weiss swept through the air at impossible speeds. Although she was not able to penetrate through Sion's shield or Saber's armor, her strike obliterated both Pikachu and Azula instantly.

Seeing her defeat was imminent, the Fairy Godmother rose high into the air and summoned an ogre-sized, well-farmed Nasus, even though doing so risked creating an opening for Shrek to break into the demiplane. He let out a mighty ogre roar, and a whirlwind of sand began to circle around him as he conjured a circle of fire down below.

"Your soul will be measured, for now we approach a time of Great Shrekoning!"

Weiss leaped down from Azula's platform, raising Myrtenaster up high as she accelerated her reflexes and attack speed for a third time. Even as Sion tried to block her attack, Weiss punctured through his shield and armor with several dozen consecutive strikes, all in the span of a single millisecond.

When Sion tried to strike her down with a concussive blast, Weiss blocked it with a glyph, and used the force of the blow-back to propel herself towards Saber, whose sword slowly turned visible.

 _ **-CLANG!-FSHOO!-**_

The initial clash of Myrtenaster and Excalibur threw Weiss back a bit, but almost instantly she rushed back in and continued her onslaught. Even though Excalibur was vastly superior to Weiss's own sword, the heiress pummeled Saber much faster than the Servant could adjust to block her. With an attack speed equivalent to ten-thousand Meta Knights, Weiss struck at each and every weak-point in Saber's magic-resisting armor, until she was able to land several blows into the Heroic Spirit herself and eviscerate her into dust.

"The cycle of life continues, but your time is now ogre!"

When Nasus landed nearby, Weiss turned her attention back towards the giant hound dog and rushed towards him, just barely evading a cleave from Sion and jumping out of the way of one of Winter's blasts. Yet even as she felt the sands of time tear through her ogre flesh and felt the withering effects of Nasus's immortal curse, she was not impeded in the slightest.

Nasus roared. He then swung down with his siphoning staff, but before it could hit, Weiss conjured a block of ice to take the blow for her. Activating her ultimate once again, Weiss began to ascend up Nasus's giant form, slicing and dicing every cubic nanometer of his body with her ultra-fine blade until he collapsed into nothingness.

She then turned her attention back towards Sion, leaped off what remained of Nasus's body, and struck her rapier into Sion's hulking chest. The powerful warrior attempted to power through Weiss's attacks, but even with his nigh infinite health pool and monstrous regeneration, Weiss struck with quadrillions upon quadrillions of blows, negating whatever advantages he may have gained through his eons of farming common minions all within the span of less than a minute.

Once Weiss had finished her assault, the green menace simply tipped over and said, "I'll be back."

"NO!" cried out Winter. "This can't be happening!"

The Fairy Godmother fled out into the horizon and conjured up twelve dozen miniature suns and a golden barrier to shield herself with, followed by an arsenal of ten billion nuclear warheads, hurling them all towards her sister.

Yet, ignoring the fallout from the nukes that landed nearby, Weiss began sprinting through the air, occasionally running across some of the warheads as they passed by.

In desperation, Winter used her magic wand to summon forth a Tarrasque, Pun-Pun, fifteen battlecruisers, Gandalf, Dumbledore, Abraham Lincoln, Andross, Mewtwo, Baby Bop, Kevin, Theodore Roosevelt, Avatar Aang, Luke Skywalker, and Kung Fu Jesus. Yet for every person or object she summoned from another dimension, there was always the risk of Shrek penetrating through her layers.

Even with their combined strength, Weiss slew them all.

Once the former heiress was within a few hundred feet of her older sister, Winter backed off once more, unleashing a time-stopping spell and a burst of blue flame, yet neither of these slowed Weiss's advance.

"Prepare to get dunked, Winter!"

The Fairy Godmother backed off once more, and a duel disk appeared on her left arm. In a final act of desperation, she reached into her pouch and pulled out five cards containing the five component parts of Exodia.

As she slapped each card onto her disk, the Egyptian juggernaut appeared behind her, reaching its arms out forward.

"EXODIA, OBLITER…"

 _ **-SLASH!-**_

With a single strike, Weiss struck through Winter's duel disk, tearing through her Yu-Gi-Oh cards and puncturing into her arm. Weiss then roundhouse kicked her sister in the side, and then slashed into her at least a million times before striking her down into the snowy landscape below.

 _ **-CRACK!-**_

In her fury, Weiss heard a loud, audible crunch as her enchanted blade struck through Winter's wand and shattered it completely. As Winter descended, her wings began to break apart, and the image of Exodia began to dissolve.

Now that she had defeated her opponent, the surge of power from Weiss's highlander status began to dissipate, and slowly she descended to where Winter's corpse had landed.

"It's all ogre now," Weiss remarked to herself.

At last, Weiss had managed to eliminate the source of all her ills, yet as she looked at her sister in her lifeless state, there was something profoundly unromantic about it. Was she expecting her sister to die in an explosion of brilliant light, fitting for her demise? Was she half expecting that landing the final blow would magically erase all of society's woes now that Winter's magic could no longer work its ill will? Or was she expecting that somehow magic would fade away once the Fairy Godmother was no longer there to maintain it?

Weiss did not know the answers to any of these questions, but for the first time in her life, she finally felt that she could be at peace. Yet, if this was all there was to the Great Shrekoning, was it truly worth all that she had struggled for? There was also the question of how Weiss would get back to Remnant, seeing as she was unfamiliar with the nuances of inter-dimensional travel.

Yet, before Weiss could fully reflect on her sister's death, a portal opened behind her, and out from it came Shrek, Yang, Ruby, and all the rest of Weiss's comrades.

"Weiss!"

Ruby ran up to her partner and gave her a great big hug.

"Well, I'm certainly glad to see you."

Weiss returned the favor.

"She's gone for good, right?" asked Ruby.

"Looks like it."

The others began to spread around the area.

"Sweet Jesus!" said Roman, "What the fuck happened here?"

"Yeah Weiss!" said Nora. "You've gotta tell us when we get back!"

"Looks like you've been doing a lot of cleaning up around here," Shrek added. "I guess you really are the chosen one."

"Sorry that we're late," said Ozpin. "It took us a while to crack into the Fairy Godmother's secret dimension. I'm just glad that you're alright."

"Yeah," said Yang, "we were worried sick about you."

"Well," Weiss responded, "I'm alive, somehow. But thanks for rescuing me, everyone. I'm not sure I would have been able to find my way out without you."

"So," said Shrek as he picked up what remained of the sonic screwdriver, "I guess we should all start heading back. We've got a lot of stuff to fix up once we get back, especially with all the damage from that last fight."

As people began heading back towards the portal to Shrek's TARDIS, Weiss looked back around the snowy, wreckage-filled landscape, before turning her attention towards the dome back on top of the hill.

"Hold on. There's a few things I still want to check out."

* * *

 **A/N: This part took quite a bit longer to write than I expected, though I wasn't rushing to fill my usual deadline. I was originally going to write this part and the next part as one long chapter, but this part bloated a lot more than I expected. The next chapter is mostly going to be tying up loose ends and providing some sense of closure.**

 **While I was writing this, I was looking up flavor text for some of Sion's abilities, and I noticed that his toolkit has changed a lot from what I remembered when I was playing LoL. I don't know how much everyone remembers of past!Sion, but since past!Sion is what I'm more familiar with, past!Sion is what I used when writing this chapter. His W and E abilities look similar to what is current incarnation looks like, namely being a spellshield and a max-health-gaining mechanic, but his other stuff looks different. I don't remember what his passive was, but his old Q, I think, gave him a smart-tracking stun (or whatever the right terminology for that is), and I think his ultimate gave him life-steal and attack speed. It's been years since I've played LoL, so my memory might be a bit fuzzy on that account.**

 **I was initially going to introduce the infinitely scaling trio (Veigar, Sion, and Nasus) sometime while Roman was hanging out in Nora's headquarters, but I never got around to doing that and I couldn't find a good way to insert them into the plot until now.**

 **I hope that Weiss acquiring Master Yi's abilities isn't too much of a Deus ex Machina. The idea came into my head while writing this chapter, and since the idea was sufficiently flashy enough, I figured I'd might as well use it, seeing as Weiss had trained with him much earlier in the story. I probably could have come up with some other way for Weiss to defeat the Fairy Godmother, but I figured this solution was well-grounded enough, especially considering the sheer madness of some of the previous chapters.**

 **I don't know if I executed the conduct of this fight well enough, or if this fight was sufficient to live up to the chaos of the previous battles, but I hope it was acceptable.**

 **I know that the big fight is now over, but I hope you'll all stay tuned for the final chapter/conclusion of this story, since there's quite a few things that I need to wrap up.**


	39. Masters of the Universe

The pair of doors lay in front of her, and now that it was unprotected by the Fairy Godmother's magic, Weiss pushed them open.

"What is this place?" Ruby asked.

Before them was a large, circular control room, whose overhead lights gave the room a deep, bluish glow. A single, leather-bound seat stood on a high column overlooking the rest of the room, with a keyboard control panel jutting out from one of the armrests. Television-like screens lined the circumference of the chamber, though at the bottom of the pit, there were more specialized workstations, accessible via ladders lining the central column. What these stations were for was an even bigger question, but then again Weiss wasn't familiar with the nuances of inter-dimensional travel. The only ways in and out of this room, aside from trying to break through the walls and screens, were through the way they came in or through two side entrances, all three of which were connected to the central column via metal bridges. Both of these side exits also had a simple digital display screen similar to those used for listings in movie theaters.

The group began to cautiously walk towards the center, the sounds of metal clanking underneath them.

"This setup kinda looks like a TARDIS," Yang remarked.

"It's a lot cleaner, that's for sure," said Melanie.

When they all got to the central pillar, Ruby bolted ahead of Weiss and then leaped into the seat.

"Ruby, don't touch anything!"

"What, it's not like anything bad is going to happen now that the main bad guy is out of the picture. Besides, we've got Doctor Shrek here to help us."

Shrek waved.

"Good point."

"Isn't story logic great?" said Nora.

Ruby pressed what appeared to be the console's power button, prompting all of the screens in the room to light up. No sound came out of them, though one of the armrests opened up to reveal a pair of ear-buds.

"Damn," said Roman, "if I knew how to run this inter-dimensional traveling machine or whatever it's called, this would make a sweet getaway vehicle."

"Don't even think about it," said Blake.

"Jealous?"

"Yeah," Eddy added, "just think about all the cash we could make with this thing."

"I like the way you think."

"Huh," remarked Weiss, as she used her glyphs to approach some of the screens. She had nearly forgotten forgotten about the Ed boys during her fight with Winter, but it seemed they were still here, and alive.

Many of the screens depicted landscapes and places that Weiss was unfamiliar with, though every so often, she recognized a few faces. Occasionally, she would recognize a scene she had seen in a movie or video game. The screens would flicker whenever Ruby flipped through the list of possible options to view, and often times screens depicting the same universe under different circumstances would cluster up together.

However, there was one group of screens in particular that caught her interest.

"Ruby, go back to that last one! There!"

The rest of the group began to gather around the edge of the walkway to get a better look at the screens Weiss was pointing to, though Miltia had conjured a vine to help people cross. Ruby too, leaped off her seat, but as she approached many of the screens within that sector of the room began to change as well.

All of those screens displayed what was recognizably Remnant, though not quite the Remnant they were familiar with.

There was something surreal about watching themselves on screen. In many cases, their personalities had remained largely intact, though in others they acted quite differently. Many screens recounted the experiences from the girls' initial trials at Beacon, though in many of these cases there was an outsider or more than one outsider. Some of these screens were outright pornographic, so Ruby quickly switched these instances to other potentialities. Others displayed more mundane happenings, such as shopping or looking at a computer screen, though occasionally there were flares of chaos similar to what Weiss had experienced in the past few weeks.

"There's so many of them," remarked Miltia.

"But how?" asked Melanie. "I thought there was just one Remnant."

"Parallel universes," replied Shrek. "For every dark dinghy hole in the galaxy, you've got million more just like them. Sure, they might look similar, but no two are ever quite the same, unless you want to get into all that theoretical nonsense."

"Look guys!" Ed called out from the other side of the chamber, "We're on TV!"

While the Ed boys were walking over to the screens displaying their humble cul-de-sac, Ruby turned to Shrek and said, "So can we go visit them?"

"It ain't that easy," said Shrek. "You see, whenever you try to interfere in the affairs of one universe, it instead sort of verges off to form its own parallel universe. Sometimes things get muddied in the split, sometimes things don't go as planned, but usually you can try to make things better. But, no matter how hard you try, you can never actually change what happens in the universe you want to change; you can only hope to make the best with what you've got."

"Oh," said Ruby.

Double-D turned away from the screens of the cul-de-sac and began approaching the rest of the group. "Very interesting. I believe I am somewhat familiar with the subject, but would you have any recommendations for books or papers on the subject?"

"Eh, I just figured these things on the fly. There's plenty of time to learn all this stuff when you've been locked in some crazy lady's sex dungeon for six-and-a-half years, plus I've got my own time machine."

Shrek tapped one of the screens, causing it to flip over to a series of footage where Beacon and Vale were under attack by the Grimm, the White Fang, and Cinder's underlings. Yang, who was standing near the chair, pushed a button to allow the audio feed from the screen in question to echo throughout the room.

"Huh," remarked Roman.

"Oh wow," said Blake. "Damn we look weak."

"I'm calling bullshit," said Melanie. "Since when were the Grrm an actual threat?"

"Dear god, I look like a demented creep," Adam commented.

Ozpin stepped forth, adjusting his glasses, "This is what would have happened, had Shrek not graced this world with his blessing."

Shrek knocked on the screen a few times more. "Yes Ozpin, this was the world I saw when I came here. So much of this world was filled with hate, fear, and mistrust. I saw how fragile this world really was, and like the good Doctor I am, I tried to change it. I worked to wash away the dark malice that lurked deep in Remnant's depths and spread my love to everyone. I wanted to make this world's people tough, like ogres, so they could fight back against the boundless hordes of evil."

Pyrrha's death flashed on the screen, though after all the bloodshed Weiss had been through, it didn't particularly faze her. A few screens over, there was footage of Qrow, Cinder, and Shrek having a three-way in a cheap motel, all three of them having the time of their lives. The screen immediately next to it depicted a similar scene, except Qrow seemed to be fleeing from Shrek, with a strange glint in his eye. For a brief second, Weiss thought she saw Winter peering in from one of the windows, though she quickly dismissed the thought.

The heiress promptly tried erasing these images from her mind. Yet, watching the screens each play their own different narratives, Weiss couldn't help but wonder if Shrek's intervention had ultimately been a good thing.

"But are we truly better off?"

"I don't really know the answer to that, Weiss," Shrek answered. "Maybe in some far-off, distant universe, things went over more smoothly. But here, something went wrong. I don't know how the Fairy Godmother got her hands on a time machine of her own, or how she was able to imprison me and steal my sonic screwdriver, but I get the feeling that I may have somehow contributed to her rise in power."

"I guess it's possible," said Blake.

"But hopefully that problem is now past us. We might not be able to change the past without her interfering, but maybe now we can finally let this world heal in peace." He then placed his heavy ogre hand on Weiss's shoulder. "Let's head back home. The universe isn't going to fix itself you know."

Everyone watched as Shrek headed out of the chamber. Even though the Ogrelord had given the call to go, there were still many questions about this place. Although Weiss had been exhausted from her adventures, the ability to look into alternate universes wasn't something that could so easily be dismissed. Weiss and her friends would continue examining the features of Winter's dimension-traveling machine, eventually discovering the controls for accessing other dimensions directly. After some time, everyone eventually filed out and returned to Shrek's TARDIS, ready for the journey home.

* * *

"Alright," said Shrek, "that should be the last of them."

As the TARDIS hovered itself just a few feet above the ground, a fully recovered King Harkinian and Snoopy jumped out of it.

"King!"

"Mah Boi!"

The hero of Hyrule ran up to King Harkinian and gave him a great hug. Within the span of an hour, many of Weiss's allies who had long since been dead were now fully breathing with life, thanks to Shrek's ogre love.

However, even at the rate at which Shrek was proceeding, there were a few noticeable absences.

"What about Neo?" asked Ruby.

Although it took some time for her to remember, many of those Weiss had met in the Al Qaeda base had not been resurrected, even though Shrek could have easily done so while he was there. Furthermore, even though Leonidas and Pyrrha had been brought back to life, Chuckie Chan and Gwonam were nowhere to be seen, along with many other minor players.

Shrek sighed, and then gave Ruby a stern look. "She ain't coming back."

"What do you mean?" said Ruby. "I mean, you have the power to resurrect people, right?"

"I don't think it's that simple," said Weiss.

"Your friend's got it right," Shrek answered. "Sure I can bring your friend back to life, but that doesn't mean she'll come out alright. When I went to pick up her pieces, I saw a deep taint in her soul, almost as strong as that of the Fairy Godmother. My love might be powerful, but even the power of True Love's First Kiss has its limits. If I let her live once more, there's no telling what sort of havoc she would bring."

"But she's our friend," Ruby objected.

"I have to agree with Shrek here," said Blake. "She's too dangerous to let back into the world of the living, and Shrek might not always be here to clean up the mess."

"It might not be the right thing to do," Shrek continued, "but someone's got to make the judgment call. I might have the strength to rival gods, but there's only so much that a single ogre can do. There's a whole universe that needs fixing, and I can't be at every single place at once."

"So Jaune is gone forever?" Pyrrha asked as she approached.

"Jaune's got it as well, I'm afraid. I could bring him back, but he'd be nothing more than an empty husk. It's the same case with Glynda and the others."

"I understand."

Pyrrha looked back at the corpse her father held in his arms. Even if she did not understand the full nature of the taint that afflicted Jaune's soul, she could understand why Shrek would be reluctant to use his powers on him.

"Well," said Weiss, "it looks like those Minions are fixing things up rather quickly."

All around the city, Minions were busy at work, leveling the ruined wreckage to make room for new infrastructure. Now that their leader Bernie Sanders had long since perished, the Minions now flocked under Weiss's command. One of the first things they did was haul all the Minion corpses into a common cremation center, since Shrek's love didn't seem to have much of an effect on them. Soon after that, they began recycling whatever scraps they could find and began collecting a stockpile over by the industrial district. There were also a number of dead Atlasian soldiers and Britannian mecha pilots found in the rubble, who Shrek quickly revived whenever he saw them.

Strangely enough, they didn't find many common citizens in the wreckage, even though Vale supposedly had a population of at least a few million.

"Yeah," said Yang, "but where is everybody?"

"Probably holed up on south side," replied Roman, who was being escorted by at least twelve Minions. "Anyone with half a brain would have fled the city than deal with this shitstorm, especially with what happened after the Cataclysm. Once things are back to normal, they'll start moving back in. In the meantime, I'm gonna set up my own casino. See ya!"

As Roman walked away, looking over a floor plan that one of the Minions had come up with, a fully revived, ogre-fied Ironwood took his place.

"The boy knows where the money is at."

"Is there anything else we need to do?" asked Melanie. "I for one think Mr. Torchwick's casino would be a worthy investment of our time."

"Even more than our… space ship enterprise?" Eddy leaned in close as he said this.

"But we could be showgirls!" said Miltia. "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!"

"Really?" said Weiss. "That kind of work sounds exceptionally degrading."

"The pay is good; that's all I care about," Melanie answered.

Weiss groaned. "Knock yourself out."

The Malachite sisters then waved goodbye and headed off after Roman, who was halfway down the block by this point.

"So is there anything else I need to stick around for?" said Shrek. "I'm not really good at this city-building mumbo-jumbo, so if there's anything else you need, feel free to ask it."

"Have you seen Arslan or Gendo?" Ruby asked.

"The boy should be safe with the prince of Britannia for the time being. As for the old man, I think he's still in the factory."

There was a lull in the conversation. Even though the rebuilding process seemed to be going smoothly, Weiss didn't really have the slightest idea of how to run or reestablish a city, though Ironwood could probably be of assistance in that area.

"Actually," said King Harkinian, "there are still a number of issues that need to be taken care of. The matter of who shall inherit the Iron Throne is still in question, and if what I have heard is correct, we still have the issue of the invaders to deal with."

"Yes," added King Leonidas. "My daughter and I must also return to our homeland to reestablish order, so that we may be ready should the Serbs or godless Turks try to take away our freedoms."

"Speaking of which," said Cinder, "whatever happened to Stannis?"

"He's alive… and well," Shrek replied. He then looked at Leonidas and said, "I shall take you back home as soon as this is ogre, but I still haven't figured out how to deal with this Iron Throne bullcrap without making a mess of things."

"Why not just let King Harkinian have it?" said Ruby.

"Or Nora!" Nora said, suddenly appearing right in between Ruby and Weiss. "Actually maybe that might be a bad idea because running a whole kingdom is a whole lot of work, and I know because I've actually had to run stuff even though Winter actually did most of the work."

"It's complicated," Shrek responded. "Stannis's forces already occupy the city, and having anyone else would create another clusterfuck."

"Perhaps I could offer a suggestion."

President Underwood, escorted by Meechum and a number of elite FaZe clan members, approached the rest of the group.

"Mr. President, what a surprise to see you."

"Please, call me Frank." The two of them shook hands. "As for my proposal, why not have the people of King's Landing decide for themselves? We must introduce the spirit of democracy and republican tradition to the peoples of the Iron Throne. If they are going to have a king, then by all means let them decide, and whoever is elected shall have my full support as the American President."

"Eh, works for me," said Shrek.

The other two kings present nodded in agreement.

The President turned to the others and said, "Weiss Schnee, I thank you for eliminating the perpetrator who gave Gandhi the codes to the Pentagon Defense system. It would have been preferable if we could have tried Winter before an international court of law, but you did what you had to do. And Nora, I apologize if I may have judged you earlier, but now I realize that you had no power to prevent what had happened, considering what Winter was capable of."

"Yeah," said Nora. "Maybe I shouldn't have taken on such a big and important role. It was way too much work."

"If it is any consolation to you, Mr. President," said Shrek, "I will try to save as many people who died from the radiation as I can, even though it might cause some other problems down the line."

"I appreciate your concern," President Underwood replied. "In the meantime, I shall be returning to the White House. But know that you have full U.S. support if you are in need of any aid. I guarantee it."

Everyone watched as the President returned to his transport copter.

Soon after, Ozpin cleared his throat and said, "Well, I guess now we'll be on our way."

"Yes," said a fully revived Mercury. "It is time that we fulfilled our calling."

Shrek nodded his head and said, "There is much that still needs to be done. It's a shame I couldn't find Russel for ya."

"I'm sure we'll find him some day," said Ozpin.

As the two of them moved to step into Shrek's TARDIS, Ruby pushed her way through the group and said, "But wait, who's going to run Beacon? Who's going to train the next generation of hunters?"

Ozpin briefly turned around, adjusting his glasses. "That will be up to you to decide."

Lie Ren, now a full-sized ogre instead of a sloth animatronic, circled his way to the front of the group and said, "Perhaps I could volunteer for that position."

"I used to run the academy over in Atlas," Ironwood added. "Actually, now that I think of it, whatever did happen to Atlas?"

King Harkinian made an audible "Hmmm…" in contemplation, though the answer seemed apparent to those who had visited Winter's demiplane.

Leonidas tugged on his daughter's arm. "Let's go."

Pyrrha nodded, and then the two of them jumped into Shrek's floating blue police box. It was a shame that they wouldn't be able to make much use of the dimension-crossing features of Winter's demiplane, now that it was fused to Shrek's time machine, but the Ogrelord likely had his reasons.

"Farewell," said Shrek.

"So long, Shrek," said Yang.

"Thanks for bringing back my boyfriend!" Nora added.

As Shrek waved goodbye, many others waved back, and Ruby broke down crying.

Shortly after the TARDIS had disappeared from existence, Link rolled his eyes and said, "Boy am I starving!"

"Who wants some meatballs and lasagna?"

Right on cue, the Mario brothers came forth with a large tray of Italian cuisine. Almost everyone rushed forth, including Ruby, though Adam quickly organized everyone into a line before the chaos caused one of the dishes to spill over.

"Man," said Yang, "all this talk of politics and city planning is making me hungry." She then wrapped her arm around Weiss's shoulder and said, "Say Weiss, wanna bang after all this is ogre?"

Weiss, evading the glare from Yang's wink and smile, briefly glanced toward Ruby before responding. "Eh, sure, why not?"

* * *

And so the Great Shrekoning had come to pass, but even though Weiss's journey had come to an end, life continued on Remnant in its endless web of intrigue, politics, and mayhem.

To everyone's surprise, the people of King's Landing had elected neither Stannis nor Harkinian, but General Jericho Swain instead. This upset prompted outrage from Lord Baratheon, who returned to his homeland and assembled the Nords of Skyrim to invade King's Landing. But in spite of his claim to the throne, his foreign intervention was widely unpopular back at home, leading to widespread protest outside of Windhelm and Dragon's Reach. After Stannis's crushing defeat in the Battle of Antlers, Queen Elsa of Arendelle seized this opportunity to unite the crowns of Norway and Skyrim. Cries of witch-hood abounded, but her widespread popularity vastly outweighed whatever dissent there was.

Shortly after Leonidas and his daughter returned home, Sparta too faced its own dilemmas. Seeing the royal family's absence as a sign of weakness, the Serbian Empire attacked Sparta. But even with their control of the seas, the Serbians soon realized that Sparta was much too strong for them to handle. On top of that, the Turkish Sultanate followed up with a declaration of its own, using Serbia's unwarranted aggression as justification for its intervention. While Sparta had managed to make some gains on the Serbian homeland, the Kebab menace emerged much stronger than before, adding the lands of Moria, Syria, and the Caucasus to its domains. Turkey's now dominant position prompted the Spartan Kingdom, Egypt, and the Russian Confederation to form a defensive pact of their own, but only time would tell if this pact would be effective in deterring the growing threat of the Kebab menace.

With the death of Fire Lord Ozai and Azula's disappearance, the Fire Nation erupted into turmoil. Although the newly instated Prince Zuko was able to restore order in the homeland, the navy's crippling defeat at the hands of Vale and Britannia left it unable to project power into its far flung tributary states. For instance, the death of Pajama Sam prompted a fanatic uprising within the provinces of Manchuria, especially after Zuko had condemned him as a Nazi sympathizer. Fire nation troops were able to contain some of the initial outbreaks, but prolonged gorilla warfare gradually drained at the Fire Nation's manpower, until Zuko formerly recognized the new Korean superstate, which encompassed Korea, Manchuria, and parts of northern China. China and Brazil seceded soon after, though the Fire Nation's territories in Bengal, Tibet, Southeast Asia, and Ireland remained firmly under Fire Nation dominion.

The Britannian Empire suffered a similar fate. Although Britannia had arguably emerged victorious from the Vale proxy conflict, the unexpected assassination of Prince Lelouch plunged the Empire into chaos. Without any clear successor to the throne, vying contestants to the throne drove the Empire into civil war. While some less reputable sources have argued that Lelouch had still been alive and had gone into hiding, there is little evidence to support this.

The conflict was further compounded by secession movements within the territories of Vacuo and California. While Vacuo's secession proceeded relatively peacefully, California's split was another story. While a small portion of the continent's population wanted a unified state, the sheer multitude of mutually antagonistic factions, namely _The Order of the Iron Parrot_ , _The Society of Good Christians, ISIS, The Disciples of Shrek, The Illuminati_ , and _The Association Against White Cis-Male Hegemony, Patriarchy, and Privilege_ , made a unified independence movement quite difficult. In the end, a multi-state solution was proposed, dividing the state along the areas each major faction controlled.

Only through foreign intervention from America, Vale, and France was Britannia able to achieve stability and peace. Saxton Hale emerged as the clear victor from the conflict, but only through diplomatic input from outside powers was the Britannian Empire able to retain a semblance of a constitution. Outside support was also needed to help combat militant animal rights groups, who, with aid from a newly formed ISIS, committed violent acts of terrorism and caused the shedding of many manly tears. But in the end, Britannia was able to retain most of its holdings in England, Indonesia, Japan, and Australia.

The assassination of Prince Lelouch vi Britannia would have further repercussions beyond the Empire's borders. Crown Prince Arslan, who was under Lelouch's protection at the time, had also been killed in the immediate crossfire, though this fact was not established until long after the violence had settled. Shortly after the assassination, Crown Prince Hermes, who had long been thought dead, had usurped the throne of Iran as its only legitimate claimant, though some suggest he had been aided by Vale under Nora Valkyrie's directorate. Several other players in the region recognized the prince's legitimacy, due to his role in ousting Al Qaeda from the region. Shortly thereafter, Iran integrated portions of Iraq, Afghanistan, and western India into its domain, actions which would prompt sanctions from outside powers and contribute to the reemergence of ISIS in India and the rest of Remnant.

After the ascendancy of Weiss Schnee to the seat of Queen-Mayor, Vale would reemerge as the world's leading Dust and sugar supplier, while also developing one of the world's most lucrative spaceship industries. Furthermore, Vale city itself overtook Las Vegas as the world's leading capital for casinos and gambling. Vale's ties with the United States, the Iron Throne, France, Sparta, and Hell allowed it to emerge as one of the leading economies of the world, in part aided by the South Vytal Agreement Pact and Vale's renewed infrastructure investments, particularly the underworld lift transit system. While Vale itself was rarely attacked under Weiss's rule, the kingdom would play a major role in conflicts abroad, due to its long established hunter tradition.

Although Gandhi's nuclear strikes had destroyed most of the American heartland, America was able to recover thanks to Shrek's aid, though the Subterranean Development Initiative had performed a major role in mitigating most of the damages. President Underwood's role in defeating the Fairy Godmother and subduing Adolf Hitler allowed him to stay in office for another term. The signing of the SVAP, combined with renewed ties to Britannia and the Silicon Valley Directorate would ensure America's continued status as a world power. While the fallout from Gandhi's attacks would have unintended consequences in the future, America would continue to prosper under President Underwood, though it would not be until the presidency of Cory Baxter that America would reach the height of its power.

The unexpected resurrection and defeat of Adolf Hitler would put an end to Nazism and Aryan Supremacy for many years to come. Morale among Nazi sympathizers shattered after Adolf Hitler's death, allowing combined American and Vale forces to inflict crushing defeat after defeat, until they were finally no more. Some would turn their energies towards one of the many Shrek cults that emerged after the Great Shrekoning, but most were unable to adapt to the demands of the modern world.

Furthermore, the disappearance of Lord Farquaad led to the subsequent collapse of Disney World, as many of its inhabitants had entered into the Nazi coalition after Hitler's resurrection. Once the Nazis were defeated, Disney World returned to its rightful place as Shrek's Swamp. Although Shrek would not return for many years to come, the lands were declared a site of utmost holiness. Believers could come and go as they wished as they liked, so that they may please and give thanks to the Ogrelord, but no nation or country could ever encroach on its borders. Most nations simply chose to abide by this agreement, as they did not want to incur the wrath of the great Ogrelord.

Indeed, the years after the Great Shrekoning were quite hectic and hectic, yet even so, no one had anticipated what would happen in the years to come…

* * *

The forests north of Shrek's swamp glistened with an almost heavenly serenity. Only the occasional bird calls and cries of locusts broke through the silence, but the tranquil peace that hung over the lands felt like something out of a Miyazaki film.

Remnant was pure once more.

Kirei Kotomine wandered through these woods as if he had stumbled upon some grand cathedral. He was once a more violent man, prone to deeds most ill and foul, but since then, he had found his true calling in life.

Far ahead, a small cliff broke through the landscape. As alone as he seemed, he could call both Lancers to his side whenever he wished, limited only by the number of Command Seals embedded into his body. The vessel of the true Holy Grail had long since disappeared, though perhaps things were meant to be that way.

Although he did not see what events had transpired with his own eyes, he had lived to bear witness to the Great Shrekoning.

It had pained him to serve under Lord Farquaad, but in the end, the world was better off for it. By summoning Hitler into this world, he was able to bridge the layers between Hell and Remnant, and thereby allow Shrek to escape from the Fairy Godmother's grasp. He would have gone into Hell himself, or he would have sent a specialized team to do the work for him, but in the end circumstance was fortunate to him. Hitler's reappearance had also paved the way to end Nazism for good.

He would have liked to reap some more profits of his own, and use the Holy Grail's powers to fulfill his own desires, but the chaos wrought during the Great Shrekoning was more than enough to satisfy him for now.

For once, Kirei had done good.

Now that he had reached his destination, the priest entered the dimly lit cave embedded into the rock.

In the far back end of the cave was a makeshift shrine, with a small stone statue that had been preserved since the days of the ancient Indian chiefs.

The false priest knelt before it, closing his eyes. It was said there were many prophesies about the Great Shrekoning, many of which contradicted each other. The diverse amount of literature made it difficult to determine what was certain and what was not, but in the end there was only one truth.

Prophesies did not come about simply because one believed them to be true; prophesies could only come about through one's direct actions. Kirei made his prophesy come true.

Although he may have aided Shrek's enemies by bringing about the second set of Servants, in the end he had aided Weiss in her quest to defeat the Fairy Godmother. Kirei had not anticipated all that would happen, but in the end, he was able to make most of his hopes become reality. Not many would recognize his contribution to the Great Shrekoning, but he had played a vital role all the same.

This knowledge satisfied him.

Kirei Kotomine got down on his hands and knees, and prostrated himself before the statue of Shrek. Some people could claim that they were more devoted to Shrek than he was, or that their faith was more pure, but that did not invalidate his own deep devotion to the Ogrelord.

"Thank you, Shrek."

* * *

Emerald Sustrai and her companion entered the great palace of Ecbatana. It had been a week or two since the two of them had left Vale for Iran, but in the end they had made it all the same. In spite of their involvement in Winter's dark enterprise, no one seemed to recognize or care who they were. Vale's troubles were long gone.

The two of them had entered the palace with little resistance, as some of the guards seemed to recognize they were coming. How the guards were able to anticipate the girls' arrival was anyone's guess, though considering both Port and Red Spy were missing, there were few places where they could find help.

They passed through a long, column-lined corridor, illuminated only by the light fanning in from the open courtyard to the right. White-robed handmaidens, dressed in local attire, passed by along the way, gossiping among themselves. Emerald didn't speak their language, but it was clear they were commenting on the newcomer's strange attire.

Emerald should have adapted herself to some of the local customs, having lived in Egypt for most of her early life, but custom didn't really suit her, especially when she much preferred the life of a street rat to noble etiquette. Beato obviously looked out of place, even though she could change her outfit at will. It was a shame they weren't able to bring Neo along as a pet, though reviving her wouldn't be too hard if they could secure her remains.

They ascended a flight of stairs once they reached the far end of the court. Although they had already passed one of the entrances to the throne, Hermes's main office was on a much higher level.

The room itself wasn't too difficult to find, seeing it was guarded by two heavy cedar doors littered with motifs of Persian design and two foot soldiers wearing heavy plate armor.

"You two are the associates from Nora's Enterprise I presume?" one of the guards asked.

Emerald didn't bother to ask how Hermes or anyone else knew they were coming, seeing as she would probably have her answers very soon.

"We are."

"Er… We would like to speak with Lord Silver Mask, if that wouldn't be too much to ask." Beato was currently using her 'Shannon' persona, which was much better at not pissing people off.

"His majesty is currently meeting with some very important guests at the moment, but I shall see when he will be ready to receive you."

The guard slipped inside, but after only a few seconds, the guard pushed the door back open and said, "Lord Silver Mask will see you right now."

"That was easy," remarked Emerald.

The two of them stepped into the office as the doors opened wide, but what they saw inside was well beyond their expectations.

"Good afternoon, ladies. Would either of you like a glass of martini?"

Brian Griffin, author of the bestselling novel _Faster than the Speed of Love_ and Sultan of the Turkish Empire, sat across from Hermes on a warm green sofa, with his bodyguards Wreck-It Ralph and Nep-Nep standing by his side, both of whom were wearing fezzes. Although few had ever seen him in person, he was the most serene of all doges, his head adorned with the turban from his time at Peter's Playhouse. Standing clockwise from him was the Red Spy and Professor Ratigan, much larger than his film debut would suggest. The two of them blocked the sunlight coming in from the window behind them, though it was likely the window itself was an illusion.

Hermes sat by his lonesome self, breathing heavily with his hands planted firmly on his knees. A guard stood watch from the corner, but there was not much he could do in the face of such giants.

"Your… holiness?" stuttered Beato.

"Red Spy?" said Emerald. "What is going on here?"

"Ah, don't mind us gentlemen," Brian said as he placed his glass on the table in front of him, "we were just discussing the ethics of gaming journalism. You know how touchy gamers can get when their favorite hobby is under threat."

"I got free pudding!" shouted Neptune.

"You goddamn extortionist!" The King of Pars stood up, pointing at Brian in accusation, but a swift palm from Professor Ratigan pushed him back in his seat. Ralph also clenched his fists menacingly.

Hermes briefly looked at Beato and Emerald, hoping their combined power could relieve him from his situation, but Brian made a swift gesture to diffuse the tension.

"I have been watching the conflict for quite some time now, and I've gotta say, I'm quite impressed with the skills you two possess."

"So it was you who foresaw our arrival?" Emerald asked.

"My nose knows everything, and my eyes are everywhere. So yes, as a matter of fact."

Hermes looked away, angry at the fact he was just another pawn in the game of thrones.

"But let us not dwindle on such questions for much longer. Come, have a drink."

"Indeed," said the Red Spy, "there is much business to discuss."

Emerald and her companion approached the large tray sprawled out on the table. Emerald picked up one of the glasses and examined it with caution. On one hand, the drink could have been laced with poison or some other strange substances, but on the other hand, it was free.

In spite of being in her gentler persona, Beato gulped down her drink instantly, causing her to let out a great roar of laughter.

Before her companion started going on a drunken rampage, Emerald quietly sat down on the adjacent sofa, a few seats away from the Iranian Lord.

The Turkish sultan fished out a pair of reading glasses, and then began looking over a journal he pulled out from some invisible space.

"As many of you well know, the Fairy Godmother is dead, and as people of calamitous intent, you no longer have a sponsor."

"I do not need help from the likes of you," hissed Hermes.

"But you would find it beneficial, would you not? Think about it. Shrek has appeared in this world. The good guys have won. Now that you no longer have a demi-god to back you up, the world isn't safe for hooligans like you, and you're going to need all the help you can get."

"I'm all open for business," said Emerald, examining her glass, "but why would you want to help all of us?"

"I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for the Fairy Godmother, and I intend to return her the favor. If you are willing to work with me, I can grant you whatever power or fortune you may desire.

"It is often said that the pen is mightier than the sword, but if a half-assed article based on the sexual escapades of Lois Griffin can incite the world into global warfare, then who knows what we can accomplish if we work together."

"Even Shrek may fall if our timing and coordination is right," added the Red Spy.

Emerald looked up at Ralph's raw, burly strength, and then turned towards Neptune, whose childish appearance disguised her inner strength. Even the Sultan himself, who was arguably the weakest of the three, was a political force to be reckoned with.

"I'm interested," said Emerald. "Just as long as the pay is good, I'll tag along with your little scheme."

"Of course we'll join!" Beato shouted from behind he sofa. "What kind of incompetent moron would skimp out on an opportunity like this? Weiss shall suffer for refusing to kneel before our authority! The whole Kingdom of Vale shall burn in the fires of Hell, and Battler-kun shall be mine once again! _WAHAHAHAHAHA…!"_

Everyone watched as Beato tumbled onto the floor in a drunken stupor. Ralph took this moment to transfer the tray to the side.

"Should I…"

"Don't worry, this is normal," responded Emerald to Brian's utterance. "So, what is it we have to do?"

Brian turned to the Red Spy, who now held a large, metal briefcase in his arms.

"Ahem," said the Red Spy, "ladies and gentlemen, I have a proposition to make."

The cunning saboteur laid the briefcase onto the table in front, opening it up for everyone to see.

"What the…" Hermes uttered.

"Provided that everything goes according to plan," continued the Red Spy, "not even Shrek can stop us, for with this, we shall become masters of the universe."

* * *

 **A/N: Holy cow, I am finally done with this story. I hope the ending was alright, as I was kinda sleep-deprived while writing some of the last parts. Despite the sequel hook, I do not intend to write a sequel to this story or a continuation of it.**

 **I hope this was a satisfying enough conclusion to the story, and I hope I was able to tie up most loose ends. I didn't want for Shrek to just simply revive everyone and solve everyone's problems just because of his abilities, as I kinda wanted to make some of the losses a bit more meaningful. I hope that the reasons and explanations for stuff are acceptable enough. I don't really know whether this chapter offers a truly complete conclusion to this story, or if I should have expanded on some parts. Some of the stuff might seem cynical, but I do want to note that the heroes and Vale are arguably better off, even though bad things still happen and some of the damage might be difficult to repair.**

 **I was planning on introducing Brian Griffin sometime earlier in the story, but I couldn't find a good way to incorporate him into the main plot. I don't know if I conveyed this well enough, but it's kinda implied he was a primary instigator of the GamerGate Fiasco in this story.**

 **I was also considering doing a scene where Roman chats with Coco and Grif, though I kinda felt writing it would be unnecessary. I was considering putting Coco into a faction with some schmuck from Psycho Pass, but I never really took the thought seriously, and I didn't really have a role planned for her in the story. Nor did I ever have any serious plans for Professor Oobleck or the other members of team CFVY.**

 **So, now that I'm done with this story, I'm not sure what I'll do next. Maybe I'll actually get to reviewing other stories once again, but I probably won't be writing that much fanfic for a while. Maybe stuff for other fandoms, but probably not as much RWBY stuff unless I get random ideas for troll/crack fics.**

 **I'm not really sure what else I've got to say right now. If you've got any questions, I can probably answer them through PM. I was thinking of making a map of the world for this story, but I haven't gotten around to actually making it.**

 **So, considering all the crap I've crammed into this story, I've made a final disclaimer for this story below. I'm not really sure who I'm supposed to credit for each franchise, and I probably didn't list everything that was crossed over in this fic, but I've made a semi-comprehensive list below. I don't know who the original creators were for the Navy Seals copypasta or Jeff the Killer, so I didn't list them below. I've also previously mentioned the Charles Barkley/Space Jam game a few chapters ago, so I didn't feel the need to include it.**

 **So anyway, I'm spent right now. I hope you were all satisfied with how I ended this story. I probably could have said more, but even though this story might not be as popular as stories of comparative size, I'm glad you all took the time to read through this. Thank you all once again.**

 **Final Disclaimer: I do not own any of the following:**

 _ **300**_ **(Frank Miller/Zack Snyder);** _ **Aladdin**_ **(Disney);** _ **Arpeggio of Blue Steel**_ **(Ark Performance);** _ **Arslan Senki**_ **(Yoshiki Tanaka/Hiromu Arakawa);** _ **Asura's Wrath**_ **(Capcom);** _ **Avatar: The Last Airbender**_ **(Nickelodeon);** _ **Banjo-Kazooie**_ **(Rare);** _ **Barney & Friends**_ **(Sheryl Leach);** _ **Batman**_ **(DC Comics);** _ **Bear in the Big Blue House**_ **(Mitchell Kriegman);** _ **Beauty and the Beast**_ **(Disney);** _ **Black Lagoon**_ **(Rei Hiroe);** _ **Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo**_ **(Yoshio Sawai);** _ **Call of Duty**_ **(EA);** _ **Civilization**_ **(Sid Meier);** _ **Code Geass**_ **(Goro Taniguchi/Ichiro Okouchi);** _ **Codename: Kid's Next Door**_ **(Tom Warburton);** _ **Command & Conquer**_ **(EA);** _ **Cory in the House**_ **(Disney);** _ **Death Note**_ **(Tsugumi Ohba);** _ **Despicable Me**_ **(Universal);** _ **Doctor Who**_ **(BBC);** _ **Downfall**_ **(Oliver Hirschbiegel/Bernd Eischinger);** _ **Dungeons & Dragons**_ **(Gary Gygax/TSR/Wizards of the Coast);** _ **Ed, Edd n Eddy**_ **(Danny Antonucci);** _ **The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim**_ **(Bethesda);** _ **Family Guy**_ **(Seth MacFarlane);** _ **Fate/stay night**_ **(Type-Moon);** _ **Five Nights at Freddy's**_ **(Scott Cawthon);** _ **Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends**_ **(Craig McCracken);** _ **Frozen**_ **(Disney);** _ **Full Metal Panic**_ **(Shoji Gatoh/Gonzo);** _ **Girls und Panzer**_ **(Actas);** _ **The Great Mouse Detective**_ **(Disney);** _ **Harry Potter**_ **(J.K. Rowling);** _ **Hercules**_ **(Disney);** _ **Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni**_ **(07th Expansion);** _ **House of Cards**_ **(Netflix);** _ **The Hunchback of Notre Dame**_ **(Victor Hugo/Disney);** _ **Hyperdimension Neptunia**_ **(Idea Factory);** _ **I. M. Meen**_ **(Animation Magic);** _ **Italian Spiderman**_ **(Alrugo Entertainment);** _ **Jojo's Bizarre Adventure**_ **(Hirohiko Araki);** _ **Kirby**_ **(Nintendo/HAL Laboratory);** _ **League of Legends**_ **(Riot Games); The Legend of Zelda CDi games (Animation Magic/Nintendo/Philips);** _ **The Lord of the Rings**_ **(J.R.R. Tolkien);** _ **Mirai Nikki**_ **(Sakae Esuno);** _ **Monty Python and the Holy Grail**_ **(Monty Python);** _ **My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic**_ **(Lauren Faust/Hasbro);** _ **Nanatsu no Taizai**_ **(Suzuki Nakaba/A-1 Pictures);** _ **Neon Genesis Evangelion**_ **(Hideaki Anno/Gainax);** _ **OFF**_ **(Mortis Ghost);** _ **One Punch Man**_ **(ONE);** _ **Pajama Sam**_ **(Humongous Entertainment);** _ **Peanuts**_ **(Charles M Shulz);** _ **Pokémon**_ **(Satoshi Tajiri/The Pokemon Company);** _ **Putt-Putt**_ **(Humongous Entertainment);** _ **Red vs. Blue**_ **(Rooster Teeth);** _ **Rozen Maiden**_ **(Peach-Pit);** _ **Rugrats**_ **(Klasky-Csupo);** _ **RWBY**_ **(Monty Oum/Rooster Teeth);** _ **Shrek**_ **(Dreamworks);** _ **Sleeping Beauty**_ **(Disney);** _ **A Song of Ice and Fire**_ **(George R. R. Martin);** _ **Sonic the Hedgehog**_ **(Sega);** _ **Space Jam**_ **(Warner Bros.);** _ **Spongebob Squarepants**_ **(Stephen Hillenburg);** _ **SPY Fox**_ **(Humongous Entertainment);** _ **Starcraft**_ **(Blizzard Entertainment);** _ **Star Fox**_ **(Nintendo);** _ **Star Wars**_ **(George Lucas/Disney);** _ **Super Mario Brothers**_ **(Nintendo);** _ **Team Fortress 2**_ **(Valve);** _ **Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann**_ **(Gainax);** _ **Thomas the Tank Engine**_ **(Britt Alcroft/Wilbert Awdry/Christopher Awdry);** _ **Transformers**_ **(Hasbro/Takara Tomy);** _ **Umineko no Naku Koro Ni**_ **(07th Expansion);** _ **Undertale**_ **(Toby Fox);** _ **The Venture Brothers**_ **(Doc Hammer/Chris McCulloch);** _ **Winnie the Pooh's Home Run Derby**_ **(Disney);** _ **Wreck-It Ralph**_ **(Disney);** _ **X-Ray and Vav**_ **(Rooster Teeth);** _ **Yellow Submarine**_ **(George Dunning); and** _ **Yu-Gi-Oh!**_ **(Kazuki Takahashi).**


End file.
